Am I BU or is MIL - Kids and junk food?

[eardefender]

DD1 is 10 and 'plump'. She is currently with MIL in MIL country for half term. I am fine and relaxed about her having treat food etc she is with granny and on holiday however i have just spoken to her and i am a bit pissed off about the food she is eating. She has just come back from a walk and she is having a 'snack' of a huge bowl of donut, squirty cream and custard plus a hot chocolate. Last nights dinner was macdonalds, night before was movie with a mountain of sweets it seems to be each meal and snack is junk, sugar and sweets all the time.

When MIl visits us she takes her out for the day and all i get are whatsapp pictures of my daughter eating mountains of junk food, i mean 4 times like DD just asks and gran says yes to everything no moderation around food. The irony is that MIL only eats a very restricted diet of veg and protein, some fruit and porridge and black tea. MIL is very thin. MIL had a deprived childhood and would not have had any treat or junk food as a child at all. I feel like part of it is that she wants my DD to love her by saying yes to anything my DD wants (demands) and also somehow enjoying the treats herself, but via DD. However, it is not OK for me and not loving to treat a child like this as its putting your own needs first. This stuff is unhealthy and addictive. She knows we don't allow DD coke but sends a picture of her with a full can on the flight. DD will probably come home in a foul mood on a sugar low wanting burger king for breakfast and a bag of sweets for lunch.

She loves dd and i don't want to fall out with her but this is not OK. I have told DH to sort it and he completely agrees. I don't want this to cause tension between DD and me and her dad. Cant help feeling that MIL wants to be the popular one here which isn't really fair on us or DD.
We also have a three year old who has a really good balanced diet with a few treats ere and there in moderation and on special occasions and i don't want MIL doing the same to her when she is old enough to look after her.

Hmm, you can learn from this and not send her back there?

I’m of the opinion that you cannot ask someone to watch your child and then dictate to them what they eat which is exactly why I wouldn’t send my kids anywhere with my Mum for a week.

If you’re not happy with MIL then don’t leave your child with her.

I suspect you have misplaced anger. If your child is overweight that’s not caused by good she is eating on holiday.

Maybe send mil info about how dc get bullied and suffer health issues when overweight....

Are you implying your daughter is "plump " due to the food she has with Granny ?

Agreed. If the MIL lives abroad in another country then of course she wants to treat her grand daughter on the occasions she gets to see her and given how little she realistically sees her she's not at all to blame for your daughter being 'plump'.

I'd let it go for a week. I remember the adventures at my grandma's it was always such a treat. It didn't harm me.

I think this is a fair reply, when we had normal treat food in the house my DD would mainline the lot in minutes including anything i got for her sister. Because of this we have really cut back on casually having treat food around and recognise that we haven't really paid attention to DD developing unhealthy habits. As a result most of the food much to DD annoyance is now unprocessed and cooked from scratch, varied and loads of fruit etc. So yes there absolutely is a backstory. I also told MIL that DD has a tendency to overeat junk food and food in general and that we didn't want to shame her or make a big deal out of it we just made sure there was loads of healthy food as we recognise that junk food is unhealthy and addictive and we need to make that less available as DD is only 10. DD does lots of sport and is not huge but we don't want her to get even bigger if that makes sense.
MIL knows all this but last time she came back i almost felt i could see that DD was bigger. The coke has irked me as DD has never had soft drinks really and i don't want the effect on her teeth.

If you'd educated your daughter on healthy eating, and had raised her to enjoy healthy food rather than unhealthy food, this wouldn't be an issue because she wouldn't be able to eat this way meal after meal, day after day.

Your DD didn't arrive in MIL's country "plump"; you allowed her to be that way already and are now angry with your MIL for making a bad situation worse.

Your DD clearly doesn't eat properly at home.

This is on you, not your MIL.

she sees her about 3 times a year and i do want DD to have a lovely time in another country. But each meal and snack is a huge junk fest, its too much for a 10 year old to eat like that for a week and considering MIL eating habits i cant help but feel there is a need being fulfilled there at the expense of the child's wellbeing.

I'd still let it go. 3 weeks out of the year won't be game changing. Or just don't let her go if you're not happy about it.

I’m also not sure about this, you read it and your first thought is oh, bad gran

but then you think about it and realise if the child is overweight that’s on the parents. And the fact she’s asking for all this junk, demanding it using the ops words, says something is very wrong here, mine enjoy junk like everyone else’s, but certainly wouldn’t demand or wish to eat it all the time.

so whatever is wrong here, it’s not your mil war to fight. You need to sort your own house first.

Please see an earlier post re DD plumpness. I completely accept this point
Yes i am annoyed with MIL for making the situation worse. That's exactly why i am posting.
As for educating a ten year old to eat healthily have you ever met a ten year old 😁

It's awkward. Our diet goes to pot when we are on holiday, it's part of the experience. So from that perspective I would say grin and bear it if it's yearly, and not something that happens every week.

But if you really don't want it to happen, then DD doesn't stay with granny.

If your daughter is stroppy because of a sugar low, then have a talk to her at a later date - not when she is in the throes of it - and point out how this affected her behaviour.

Is she bothered by being plump? I was a plump child, but then had a growth spurt around 12/13 and it all fell into proportion. My DS would also fill out before growing upwards.

we absolutely have. I really don't think its ok for a thin woman with a very restricted diet to be allowing a 10 year old free rein on addictive junk food at each meal and snack. I don't think that is responsible. I have never and would never let DD or any child eat the way she does with Gran. There seems no moderation and the portions are huge.
I take the points of the thread and hopefully DH will sort it with her and DD can go there and enjoy herself without this ridiculous eating thats been going on.

I’m sorry but this is your fault. Focus on DDs diet 49 weeks of the year and the other 3 weeks won’t be a problem. Simple.

If you are genuinely bothered by this as much as you have said here and I would suspect you're more bothered than you're saying, then you won't send your daughter again. Your daughter cannot advocate for herself, it really is up to you. Step up to the oftentimes very difficult plate.

It's excessive, I'll give her that

Yes, I've had two of them. Neither of them was or is "plump", and neither could stomach the sort of food you describe other than extremely rarely.

If you don't like your DD spending time with this grandmother, for whatever reason, don't send her. Simple.

If you accept the point, there's no dilemma or room for irritation with your MIL. It's not inevitable or indeed "normal" for children to like junk food. Once in a while, sure - but that wouldn't make a child "plump", especially if she's sporty.

The facts speak for themselves. You've normalized eating junk (or "treat") food. At 10, the child has a high metabolism and can burn through calories easily. Fast forward another 10 years and it won't be the same. You know this.

Stop focusing on your thin MIL's neuroses, and start focusing on ensuring your child doesn't develop any of her own.

Ignore the snipers, OP.

I get what you are saying. You are trying to deal with a DC who has a tendency to be greedy and overeat on junk food. And you are being undermined.

No one is saying that the DGM shouldn't treat her own DGC but there's something very odd about a very thin woman who follows a restrictive diet practically force feeding huge amounts of junk food on a DC who is already plump.

I think your DH needs to get tough with her. Surely she can see that she is doing her DGD no favours by giving her food that WILL make her fat or overweight.

I think most of us have on here yes. Rhe clue is in the title. Mumsnet. No need to be condescending to posters

as a pp said, concentrate on the other 49 weeks of the year. You need to educate your child, understand why she’s overweight, and why she is craving junk so much,

this is your responsibility. Not your mils.

I am afraid I agree with other posters - if your child is overweight, that is not due to 3 weeks a year with her grandmother. A child that is a healthy weight, would not be disadvantaged by a blow out week with their grandmother a few times a year. My mother actively looked forward to being able to indulge her grandchildren in a way that she would not have indulged us. As she only saw the children for a few weeks a year, I let it go. If she had seen them weekly, it would have been more of an issue.

If you are working on teaching your daughter healthy habits, then the message when she comes back needs to be, "it's okay to treat yourself to less healthy things now and again and you've had a marvellous time with Granny, but now we have to make sure we're eating healthily again!"

I have had numerous offspring, allowed them treat foods and fizzy drinks, made sure that their 3 main meals and 2 snacks were healthy, encouraged to listen to their bodies and not just eat because it's there, and I never made them "finish what was on their plate" as that's a fast track to disordered eating!

None of mine were "plump". If DD enjoys being with her grandmother and that feeling is reciprocated, then all you can do is make sure that it's healthy eating when you control the menu and you relax about what's on DD's menu when you aren't around. If DD was eating g healthy, nutritious food at home, then she would suffer from gastric discomfort eating this way with grandmother.

You can only change the things in your control and what DD has when with grandmother isn't one of them!

There seems no moderation and the portions are huge.

so how did she get overweight on your watch? It didn’t happen over night.

and why are you so focused on your mil weight. You are incredibly focused on weight. Do you have a personal issue in this regard?

I think considering MIL sees her 3 times a year YABU really.

Whatever she eats while on holiday with MIL ins't having a huge impact on her health or weight throughout the year.

I think this really resonates with me. DD will be fine at home, we eat healthily and i would like her to eat like her sister eats with the odd treat and special occasions, her sister is normal and not that bothered about treat food. me and DH are treat once in a while people. DD has a different view. We can manage this as a family and it is up to us to set the boundaries etc but a full week total blow out is not helping. I would hate my DD to miss out of visiting her gran but i am a bit worried as Gran had a tendency to let her own kids do what they wanted to the point of neglect so i am a bit wary and i think the quantities of crap have shocked me a bit this week.
I think the deeper issue is that gran was emotionally distant to her own kids and would allow them to have and encourage them to have excess food drinks and smoke as young teens which didn't serve any of them well as adults. The irony again being that MIL did not drink or smoke or overeat herself.
I feel there is something in the feeding of my DD which has everything to do with MIL and not much to do with my DD.