Am I BU or is MIL - Kids and junk food?

[eardefender]

DD1 is 10 and 'plump'. She is currently with MIL in MIL country for half term. I am fine and relaxed about her having treat food etc she is with granny and on holiday however i have just spoken to her and i am a bit pissed off about the food she is eating. She has just come back from a walk and she is having a 'snack' of a huge bowl of donut, squirty cream and custard plus a hot chocolate. Last nights dinner was macdonalds, night before was movie with a mountain of sweets it seems to be each meal and snack is junk, sugar and sweets all the time.

When MIl visits us she takes her out for the day and all i get are whatsapp pictures of my daughter eating mountains of junk food, i mean 4 times like DD just asks and gran says yes to everything no moderation around food. The irony is that MIL only eats a very restricted diet of veg and protein, some fruit and porridge and black tea. MIL is very thin. MIL had a deprived childhood and would not have had any treat or junk food as a child at all. I feel like part of it is that she wants my DD to love her by saying yes to anything my DD wants (demands) and also somehow enjoying the treats herself, but via DD. However, it is not OK for me and not loving to treat a child like this as its putting your own needs first. This stuff is unhealthy and addictive. She knows we don't allow DD coke but sends a picture of her with a full can on the flight. DD will probably come home in a foul mood on a sugar low wanting burger king for breakfast and a bag of sweets for lunch.

She loves dd and i don't want to fall out with her but this is not OK. I have told DH to sort it and he completely agrees. I don't want this to cause tension between DD and me and her dad. Cant help feeling that MIL wants to be the popular one here which isn't really fair on us or DD.
We also have a three year old who has a really good balanced diet with a few treats ere and there in moderation and on special occasions and i don't want MIL doing the same to her when she is old enough to look after her.

I remember someone saying on the radio to someone with a similar problem‘it’s her job to be the cool granny’, it’s yours in your home to be the person who watches their food. I agreed but I think there’s a difference between the odd time and someone staying with someone and dumping that amount on them, I don’t think that’s ok. My relative once did this and then ds got sick, I was secretly happy (not happy he was sick of course l) as she never did it again and even now says ‘we might only have one’. I’d say talk about it but without it being a big deal

Op, loads of folks eat more than normal on holiday. You’re deliberately avoiding the fact that 3 weeks makes no difference, it’s the rest of the year that counts.

and it is becoming very clear you simply dislike your mil and are heavily focused on the fact she’s slim.

Thank you, its this exactly. I think from now on we wont send her for a week its too long probably just do 3 days at a time as a compromise and get DH to speak to MIL about the food and for her to tone it down a bit. My concern is DD has this tendency and as we know UPF is designed to be addictive and children are vulnerable to this. and no, MIL wont touch the stuff herself with a barge pole.

Oh for heavens sake a ten year old child is not in charge of what they eat. The stuff is addictive, it does matter, its not OK. How on earth is it clear that i dislike MIL? How am i in any way 'heavily focused' on the fact she is slim. I actually think good for her. Typical angry AIBU reply. You do get the traffic but you also get overinvested nutters replying.

"I feel like part of it is that she wants my DD to love her by saying yes to anything my DD wants* Probably not. She probably just doesn't want her GC to be deprived of the things that she was deprived of in her childhood.

Im of the opinion that the odd week isn't going to harm her. So it wouldn't bother me.
If she is plump she is getting that from her day to day life with you not from a week with grandma

You can speak to grandma and me tien that she's overweight and you're trying to to make a big deal of ot. So could she give her healthy treats instead of sugar and fats

How on earth is it clear that i dislike MIL? It's clear the way you ascribed the feeding to MIL wanting to feel good about herself, and wanting to live her life through your GC, rather than MIL wanting to give her GC a nice time.

Replace MIL with DH and this was my problem too. 🤦🏻‍♀️

DH is very skinny and has food issues himself so eats a self imposed very restricted diet. When DH looked after DS (if I was out), he would give DS a ridiculous amounts of sweets and unhealthy foods as he doesn’t ever cook so it’s easy fast food and mountains of crisps and sweets and canned fizzy drinks.

Luckily, DS only put weight on briefly during the Pandemic as he wasn’t going out and getting any exercise. I had lots and lots of arguments with DH about the long term implications of this unhealthy diet and eventually, I think it started to sink in and he stopped buying excessive quantities of crap although would still offer sweets as a pudding instead of fruit, yoghurt etc. and cans of fizzy drinks.

Also, when DS started secondary school he started to become more interested in eating healthily and since having aligners on his teeth, as soon as he’s eaten his dinner around 7pm, he’s off to clean his teeth and replace the aligners and won’t touch anything other than a glass of water until bedtime.

With any luck, your DD will pick up your healthy ways of eating and will want to be more like her sister and friends and hopefully, get to the stage where she tells Granny NO to sweets and fizzy crap.

In the meantime, your DH needs to keep playing the broken record to Granny about healthy food choices.

I mean your child is overweight because of what you feed her in general not what she eats on holiday with Granny. I would work on improving her diet and activity levels at home so she can enjoy a holiday treat with Granny like normal children.

My MIL has disordered eating, she also has always filled my dc full of sugar.
Thankfully never for more than a week at time so it doesn't do any harm.
One week of totally junk food won't hurt.

But she's not having normal treats with Granny, that's the point of me posting. perhaps i haven't been clear about the amount of treats and that these are meals and snacks. Each meal plus snacks are huge portions of junk food on the upper scale of UPF foods, which are addictive. After walk snack was a huge portion for a ten year old and it shocked me, this wasn't a meal or pudding treat this was a pre lunch snack. Donut, cream and custard and hot chocolate, enough for an adult. Macdonalds for dinner. Cans of coke. I don't think i am BU to be worried about this amount for a ten year old. I think this is beyond a treat and more about MIL deeper level needs. It must be otherwise why would you feed all this to a ten year old all week unless you were a neglectful moron. Lots of treats , fine. This much, issues.

MIL just whatsapped me, they have been baking....... 36 cupcakes with lots of buttercream icing and chocolate chips..... MIL wont touch any of them.

this is not the odd treat with Granny.

I think this is actually disordered eating.

Are you "plump" Op?

My MIL has disordered eating, is very thin and made her own dc while they lived with her fat.

But for DGC who only spend one week max with her it isn't an issue. No one gets fat in week.

Op mine wasn’t an angry reply, you just read it like thar and you’re refusing to deal with the real issue of why your child is overweight. You’re so focused on your mother in laws weight and eating habits.

as such I also wondered if you have a weight problem,

Sorry this is getting a bit bizarre, how am i 'refusing to deal with the issue' of my DD being slightly overweight. How am i 'so focused' on my MIL eating habits and weight, i have no idea what she weighs, i have never thought about it. I think you are really projecting here. I feel a bit ick about being pressed to discuss my weight by randomers online. Why do you want to know? what does that have to do with my MIL overfeeding my DD too much junk food? Do you want to know my DH weight as well or is it just the women/mother?

Your MIL is making memories with your daughter, memories they'll both treasure. What a delightful time she must be having!

I do think your being really unreasonable & unfair. Reducing the holidays to 3 days to what? Punish them both?

As for the 'addictive' UPF hysteria, it's literally a political/ideological term, so wide reaching as to be meaningless. A can of coke is nothing to have a panic about. A can every day of the year? Sure - that's not sensible, but on holiday? Even weekly?

So long as the rest of her diet is OK (& that's down to you!) it doesn't matter a jot what she eats on holiday. It just doesn't. In fact, it even helps cement those foods as situational.

OP, you are transferring your anxiety about your overweight daughter and making it your MIL’s fault.

For lots of us, holidays involve indulgence. It is what happens day to day that matters. And that’s on you.

Three weeks out of 52 aren’t a problem. That’s not what’s making your child “plump”.

I get you’re lashing out but for someone who has never thought about her mils weight or eating habits , here is what you’ve told us..

The irony is that MIL only eats a very restricted diet of veg and protein, some fruit and porridge and black tea. MIL is very thin. MIL had a deprived childhood and would not have had any treat or junk food as a child at all

But each meal and snack is a huge junk fest, its too much for a 10 year old to eat like that for a week and considering MIL eating habits i cant help but feel there is a need being fulfilled there at the expense of the child's wellbeing.

I really don't think its ok for a thin woman with a very restricted diet to be allowing a 10 year old free rein on addictive junk food at each meal and snack

The irony again being that MIL did not drink or smoke or overeat herself, I feel there is something in the feeding of my DD which has everything to do with MIL and not much to do with my DD.

MIL wont touch the stuff herself with a barge pole

this is not the odd treat with Granny. I think this is actually disordered eating

I think this is beyond a treat and more about MIL deeper level needs. It must be otherwise why would you feed all this to a ten year old all week unless you were a neglectful moron. Lots of treats , fine. This much, issues

Again, I don’t see a child having a custard donut with a hot chocolate on holiday an issue. McDonald’s is a weekly after swimming treat here too so again I don’t see the problem!

What actual meals is granny making her? But more importantly what are you feeding her at home as that is the root cause of the issue?

So many utterly bizarre and really quite aggressive replies on here.

OP you have every right to be concerned by your MIL’s behaviour around food with your DD. It sounds awful and way beyond any normal level of grandparent treats. I can absolutely believe it stems from her own food denial/disordered eating.

And whilst all the posters seems desperate to tell you three weeks a year won’t be an issue I would refute that on two levels.

Firstly there is evidence that ‘holiday weight‘ from excess eating can be very hard to shift afterwards and leads to cumulative weight gain.
Secondly some children and adults have really poor self regulation and an enhanced attraction to junk type food (sugar, trans fat). Many kids can just stop when full but many will seek out and eat as much as they can get hold of. We know obesity is complex and you can’t just tell people to eat less.

If as you say you are already struggling to work with your DD to eat in moderation and make better choices, then a week where she is literally plied with constant junk food is not going to help you one bit.

Honestly the replies on here are so strange

I completely agree with @THisbackwithavengeance. People are being unnecessarily unkind. You’ve noticed a problem with DD, have taken steps as a family to change your habits (without making DD feel uncomfortable about her weight) and MIL is completely undermining that. As you say, she clearly has her own neuroses and it isn’t as though they’re both indulging in these treats together, which would be more understandable.

I’m all for children having treats on holiday but your description of what’s she’s eating seems almost grotesque. Any grown adult with any sense knows roughly what a 10 year old should be eating. 1 doughnut is a treat, the rest is excessive. And washing it all down with a hot chocolate! WTF?!

If DH can’t get through to her, I’d have to limit the visits. She may not have got ‘plump’ on MIL’s watch but she isn’t helping the issue. Poor DD.

Your daughter is overweight because of you OP, not because of a 2 week holiday with her granny. She was overweight before she went. You have some neck blaming the granny when you have been letting her eat shit to the point of being overweight. Absolutely bizarre judging what the woman is feeding while on holiday! Look at yourself! You have control (or lack thereof) for 50 weeks of the year yet you blame granny!

Hi OP, I think you need to just keep consistent with DD at home and reinforce healthy eating with occasional treats, explain why it’s important etc. I have a 12 year old DD and I’ve always done this- it’s not impossible and there’s no way she would eat all the stuff your DD has eaten at MILs.

I wouldn’t make a big deal of it to your DD but I would address it in a calm way regularly so that hopefully she will feel more able to regulate her eating and make better choices when away from you (and I mean generally, not just at MILs). And separate to this, I would be insisting DH speaks again to MIL. Nip it in the bud asap if you can as it does sound v excessive.