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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he being toxic or WIBU?

58 replies

JellyPopz · 26/10/2023 14:54

DH wfh today, returns from shop this morning at 9.15am with a bunch of flowers. I jokingly say "aww were they giving them away?!" and he jokingly replies "you're not getting a kiss now!". He then seems a bit short later bit says nothing is wrong. A little later he shows a photo of the flowers on the kitchen table with the words 'guess she's not a flower person, been on the table for 2 hours' for a social media post. I said not to send that as it looks mean, like he's shaming me. He acts confused but doesn't share the post. About half an hour ago he has asked if I don't want the flowers as I haven't yet put them in a vase. I've had a shower and wfh so have been meaning to but haven't got round to it. He said he would give them to his Mum if I'm not bothered. I said I am bothered but he can just give them to her if he's annoyed I didn't jump and put them straight in a vase.

He's put them in the passage to take to his Mums and gone upstairs. So I've put them in a vase now and will continue with the notion that I didn't realise he'd be offended that they weren't out straight in a vase.

WIBU, is it an etiquette to put them straight in water? I guess I should have.

I feel his actions and comments of giving them to his Mum is a bit toxic? He gave me some flowers then wanted to take them away because I hadn't acted exactly as he wanted!

OP posts:
ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 26/10/2023 14:57

It doesn't take long to grab some form of vessel, be it a vase or a cup, pour some water in it and put the flowers in it.

I can't say I blame him being hurt. He has made a nice gesture, got a sarcy remark back then seen them just thrown on a table for hours left to die. I'd not sense a lot of gratefulness and I wouldn't be impressed if it was me either.

JustTalkToThem · 26/10/2023 15:00

This is all on you. I think you were pretty mean in the face of a sweet gesture.

aretok · 26/10/2023 15:00

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 26/10/2023 14:57

It doesn't take long to grab some form of vessel, be it a vase or a cup, pour some water in it and put the flowers in it.

I can't say I blame him being hurt. He has made a nice gesture, got a sarcy remark back then seen them just thrown on a table for hours left to die. I'd not sense a lot of gratefulness and I wouldn't be impressed if it was me either.

this

OP, did you say anything else besides "were they giving them away"?

Bboy1234 · 26/10/2023 15:01

I think you've hurt his feeling, he's obviously taken your initial comment to heart and then the fact that you left them on the table does give the impression you didn't really want them. I would always pop them straight in a vase (or a glass or a jug).

I don't think his behaviour is in any way toxic and I'm sure you didn't mean to offend him, it's just a case of mis understanding each other

VyeBrator · 26/10/2023 15:02

YABU

Love how him telling the truth is ‘shaming’ you 🙄

ManateeFair · 26/10/2023 15:04

If I'd bought someone flowers and all they did was make some sarcastic remark about 'Were they giving them away?' and then just left them on the table and ignored them, I'd be pissed off too.

MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 26/10/2023 15:05

I always get flowers straight into water.... why wouldn't you?

If he brought home ice cream would it not go straight in the freezer? Same kind of thing

funbags3 · 26/10/2023 15:08

Why would you class his actions as toxic? Sounds a bit excessive.

Hatty65 · 26/10/2023 15:08

You were horrid. He bought you flowers out the blue and you were bloody rude, ungrateful and hurtful. What did you get out of it?

You sound like the toxic one in the relationship.

ManateeFair · 26/10/2023 15:11

MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 26/10/2023 15:05

I always get flowers straight into water.... why wouldn't you?

If he brought home ice cream would it not go straight in the freezer? Same kind of thing

Exactly - even if for some reason I didn't have time to get a vase out and arrange them, I'd at least make sure the stems were in water somehow, even if it meant propping them up in the kitchen sink. And I'd be grateful to the person who bought them for me and I would explain that I was keeping them fresh for a few hours until I had a chance to get a vase out later.

ClarkGablesMoustache · 26/10/2023 15:13

He did a lovely thing, buying you flowers. You were sarcastic and dismissive, and ignored the flowers. He said he'd give them to his mother instead.

How on earth is that HIM being toxic??

I wouldn't bank on him making nice gestures in future in that's how you respond.

backtowinter · 26/10/2023 15:13

Sorry OP. I think YABU

He did something nice and got it thrown back in his face

Poor sod

itsmylife7 · 26/10/2023 15:14

Do you always make "jokey " remarks when bought gifts ?
you're in the wrong here OP.

pinkyredrose · 26/10/2023 15:15

How the hell is he toxic? You could've said thanks

Strictlymad · 26/10/2023 15:16

He’s perfectly right to be hurt, he did a nice thing, got a snarky remark and you couldn’t even be bothered to pop them in the sink of water even if you needed to properly arrange later. Flowers die fast and need constant water and not to bother looks unappreciative. Plus from your story it seems like you suggested his mum in the first place, not him jumping to it. Imo he needs a big apology

JustTalkToThem · 26/10/2023 15:16

If this ends up being a reverse, I’ll hulk smash something.

bombastix · 26/10/2023 15:17

I would have placed them in water immediately. Flowers are an unnecessary gesture and in consequence when you get them, it's polite to show your appreciation by attempting to keep them alive.

OhDoSitDownAndShutUp · 26/10/2023 15:18

You were ungrateful and dismissive. He did something nice and spontaneous and yu should have put the flowers in a vase. I'd bloody love it if my husband came in with flowers. In 43 years of marriage, he's done that twice.

JoanOfAllTrades · 26/10/2023 15:20

JellyPopz · 26/10/2023 14:54

DH wfh today, returns from shop this morning at 9.15am with a bunch of flowers. I jokingly say "aww were they giving them away?!" and he jokingly replies "you're not getting a kiss now!". He then seems a bit short later bit says nothing is wrong. A little later he shows a photo of the flowers on the kitchen table with the words 'guess she's not a flower person, been on the table for 2 hours' for a social media post. I said not to send that as it looks mean, like he's shaming me. He acts confused but doesn't share the post. About half an hour ago he has asked if I don't want the flowers as I haven't yet put them in a vase. I've had a shower and wfh so have been meaning to but haven't got round to it. He said he would give them to his Mum if I'm not bothered. I said I am bothered but he can just give them to her if he's annoyed I didn't jump and put them straight in a vase.

He's put them in the passage to take to his Mums and gone upstairs. So I've put them in a vase now and will continue with the notion that I didn't realise he'd be offended that they weren't out straight in a vase.

WIBU, is it an etiquette to put them straight in water? I guess I should have.

I feel his actions and comments of giving them to his Mum is a bit toxic? He gave me some flowers then wanted to take them away because I hadn't acted exactly as he wanted!

Your DH buys you flowers just because and you don't say thank you, or put them in water, you leave them on the table for 2 hours, then you accuse him of shaming you and you think he's the toxic one?

Dear me, you are so far from the picnic, you're not in the same field!

You absolutely must apologise to him, explain nicely that your mind was elsewhere on work, you do appreciate* *and love him and you love the flowers.

Examine and reflect on the interactions this morning, be honest with yourself, put yourself in his shoes and think about how, if the situation was reversed, you would have felt about your actions. Marriage is hard, you have to want to make your spouse feel special and loved. He did that for you, but you failed completely.

Littlelucas · 26/10/2023 15:22

Wow, am I the only one who thinks he sounds like a big attention seeking baby?

You made a (maybe bad) joke and he then proceeds to sulk and go on SM to try and garner sympathy from randoms coz you didn’t immediately fall to your knees and suck his cock because he bought you a bunch of garage carnations?

The OP may have made a bad joke but this man must have toilet paper-thin skin to then drag out his upset over this for the whole day. My dh would’ve laughed along with the jokey comment and made a witty retort, your dh sounds like a bit of a dick OP. Does he punish you often/sulk over such petty things?

Mylovelygreendress · 26/10/2023 15:23

Toxic ??
Your DH buys you flowers and you can’t even say thank you ?

Coffeerum · 26/10/2023 15:24

I said I am bothered but he can just give them to her if he's annoyed I didn't jump and put them straight in a vase.

Bit of a difference between him expecting you to jump and 5.5 hours later though.
You made a snarky comment when he first brought them back and then you just left them to wilt on the table for most of the day, but somehow he is in the wrong!

Pashazade · 26/10/2023 15:24

So you left them on the side, without water for 5 hours.....it's not unfair of him to think you didn't want them. Did it not occur to you to say thank you when he brought them home? I might have made the joke and after his response then said thank you they're lovely and put them in water. Can't blame him for his feeling put out really, you effectively ignored a nice gesture. Btw I would have slung them in some water and arranged them later but just leaving them lying there really signifies you're not interested in your gift.

bombastix · 26/10/2023 15:24

Don't be surprised if your flowers get taken out of the vase and off to his mother.

Mylovelygreendress · 26/10/2023 15:25

I don’t think you have to worry about your DH buying you any more surprise gifts .

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