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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend had a baby & friendship has changed

119 replies

BVIre · 26/10/2023 09:38

Hi! So I am currently pregnant with my first baby but have no other kids so don’t know if I am being unreasonable or not & would genuinely appreciate advice!

My really good friend that I lived with all through university & love to pieces- we were each others bridesmaids and everything! She had a baby at the start of August, the baby was a bit of a surprise but her & her husband were super excited and I was delighted for them. Since we left uni, unfortunately we live quite far away from each other (approx. 2 hour drive).

We normally see each-other once a month and we meet in a place that is half way for both of us & it has worked really well our whole friendship. Throughout her pregnancy I offered to come closer to her because she was quite unwell but she said she didn’t mind & made comments along the lines of ‘sure once the baby is here you’ll be coming to me all the time’- which I didn’t really think much about.

Fast forward and she has her lovely wee baby and she is doing so well but the friendship has massively changed. I have only been down to see her once since she had the baby and when I arranged to come down and see her I only had an hour with her before she had arranged other plans to go to her mums for dinner which was fine. So it’s a 2 hour drive to her house, and she’s confused why I can’t come and see her more often. My job doesn’t finish to 5:30pm and with traffic I wouldn’t be able to get to her until 8ish and then have to bare in mind that I am a 2 hour drive away from home so I am kind of reliant on weekends which are incredibly busy for me.

I’d love to see her more but she’s made no offer to meet me even 1/2 hour closer and the baby is now 3 months at this point. I also want to tell her that I don’t mind if the baby doesn’t come if that’s what’s keeping her but I don’t think her husband is at home all that much to give her a night off, I also don’t want to offend her but telling her it’s her I want to see & not the baby.

The other point is I am also now 16 weeks pregnant & she has no idea because she’s the type of person to get offended if I text her that news as she would expect to be told in person. I am now not seeing her to next week and I know she’s going to be so upset that I’ve waited so long to tell her (she told me at 7 weeks) but I’ve always been the more private of the 2 of us and I also feel stuck because I would text her the news but she has made comments before that she would be annoyed if I text her news like that so I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

We are also not big texters and I feel like I have been making a huge effort to check in via text with her but I get quite long paragraphs from her back with about 600 pictures of the baby and they feel more like a Facebook post life update than a conversation with a friend and she doesn’t really ask me how I am back.

Just wondering if I am being unreasonable to be upset at how much her becoming a mum has changed our friendship already or if anyone has advice?

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 26/10/2023 11:03

Tough one. Her baby is still very young and finding the energy (or being awake enough) to drive too far or make plans too far in advance is a challenge.
It was however very rude of her to arrange other plans after only an hour of you being there when you had driven so far to see her. I’d be very upset by that.
Take a small step back from the friendship for a while. Keep in touch but you probably won’t see each other as often for a while. Maybe switch to video chats? Once your babies are a bit bigger you may be able to see each other a bit more.

Notellinganyone · 26/10/2023 11:04

OP - the first year is pretty intense. I didn’t leave my DD with anyone until she was 18 months old and was breastfeeding most of this time. If she’s your friend then cut her some slack. You will know what it’s like once you have your baby.

ChillysWaterBottle · 26/10/2023 11:04

Congrats on your pregnancy OP! Please revisit this thread in approx 8 months time lol. Her baby is only 3 months! She's still in the thick of post-partum adjustment, baby's sleep likely won't have settled, it's a huge life and body change to adapt to. I didn't leave the local area for at least 3 months after mine was born, I was exhausted and overwhelmed, so everyone came to me every time no questions asked and they always brought food and presents as well. I am so lucky for all my lovely friends (some parents themselves, some not) and they mean a lot to me so it made a huge difference having them there. I wouldn't have been massively impressed if any of them had lacked understanding at that point or centred their own feelings. Births, weddings, big birthdays, babies, big job changes or family issues or bereavements or health issues etc - there are times when it's important to prioritise your friends. It's important friends prioritise you back when you need it too.

I say this kindly but if you can't give grace and compassion at this point in her life you wouldn't be much of a friend. I do get the dilemma with announcing your pregnancy but I would reframe it internally as telling a good friend about a pregnancy is a lovely happy experience and you don't want to turn it into something to get annoyed about in your head. Why do that to yourself? x

IvyIvyIvy · 26/10/2023 11:24

The focus for the first three months is keeping everyone alive. Literally 100 percent goes into that. You'll understand once you've been through it. She's just working it all out at the moment. Give her time. The great thing is that she'll be a big source of knowledge and support when it's your turn- even if just via video calls and messages in the short term.

Wednesdaysotherchild · 26/10/2023 11:29

Once friends have kids I just expect to lose them. They may come back in a few years but they get trapped in a self-focused bubble for a while. I also avoid new mums myself due to recurrent losses so I don’t make the effort either (but my friends do know this and understand). It’s a phase of life thing but basically not all friendships last forever! It does mean the ones that do last are really special though.

Isheabastard · 26/10/2023 11:48

My only opinion is that many people became obsessed with their babies. This is normal. They also think the whole world revolves around the baby. This also normal.

As the other poster said, it’s a bit shit to drive all the way there to have so little time with her.

May I make a suggestion? I’m much older and had my child a long time ago.
Before texting became a thing it was phone calls and visits. I myself have succumbed to the texts, occasional phone chats and visits.

While you are pregnant and she still has a very young baby,you should suggest regular phone chats as a way to keep up to date. I warn you though, she will only want to talk about her baby, or tell you all about her own pregnancy. This normal.

Text her to tell her you want to chat (even say you have some good news?) I do this with my Dd as she is much busier than me. When you do call her/she calls you, tell her about your pregnancy and go from there.

aSofaNearYou · 26/10/2023 11:53

My only opinion is that many people became obsessed with their babies. This is normal. They also think the whole world revolves around the baby. This also normal.

I find this a bit unfair - I don't think it's usually that people are obsessed with their babies, I think it's more common that they're all consumed by how exhausted they are by their babies.

Knitgoodwoman · 26/10/2023 11:55

The answer is see her at weekends if you’re too tight on time in the week due to work.

squashi · 26/10/2023 11:57

Her life's changed, as will yours - I'd suggest trying to adapt, accepting that some things will be different/more difficult for a while because of the new circumstances.

Vexxa · 26/10/2023 12:20

Can't you call her? Or arrange a video call?

PinkPink1 · 26/10/2023 12:28

I have a 3 month old and wouldn't want to drive 2 hours to someone's house, stay an hour and then drive another 2 hours home. I chat to my best friend on the phone because we don't live near each other.

Freshair1 · 26/10/2023 12:28

Mate.... You've absolutely no idea what is coming, have you? Your friend's life has completely and utterly changed. Develop your social circle in the meantime. She'll emerge from the newborn fog in her own time.

Original poster
BVIre · 26/10/2023 12:54

Thanks everyone for the comments & advice, tbh I know things will have changed but as mentioned I don’t have that perspective myself yet so just wanted to check.

I also think it’s hard because she’s always saying how good her baby is and how well she is sleeping and how easily content she is so I do feel like that’s why I was partly upset was because she’s been saying how good she is- but totally understand that might not be the whole picture.

for the record I absolutely do not expect her to do the 2 hour trip to me, I never said that & also for those who asked she’s not breast feeding either. I have booked in a date with her next Saturday as this was my first free Saturday, my issue was more around she very much put the expectation on me to drive 2 hours after work & then 2 hours home which we’ve never had that expectation in our friendship before.

but thanks again for all those who were nice & advised me to be patient!

OP posts:
ShalalaInTheMorning · 26/10/2023 12:56

A baby is a baby at that age - it’s all mindblowingly hard even if the baby is ‘easy’!

Spinet · 26/10/2023 13:02

Also - people don't go on about how easy their baby is if they really are that easy, tbh.

heldinadream · 26/10/2023 13:03

When your friend says "My baby is so good" you have to translate this into "Fucking hell I'm only just hanging on but at least she sleeps for four hours at a time so I'm not totally insane". The more often she says her baby is good the more likely she's just incredulous that they're all still alive.
Slack, cut! You'll get it soon.

MintJulia · 26/10/2023 13:05

Her baby is less than 3 months old. With ds at that point I was lucky if I got to the local Tesco and back without him having a liquid poonami or projectile vomiting across the car.

She may well be surviving on a couple of hours sleep per night, and not really fit to drive. I was also leaking milk at that point and felt awkward in public.

If she had a difficult birth, she may not be physically comfortable driving yet.

I don't mean to put you off, but the first four months can be very difficult & messy.

Perhaps cut her some slack and arrange to meet just before Christmas

fitzwilliamdarcy · 26/10/2023 13:06

Wednesdaysotherchild · 26/10/2023 11:29

Once friends have kids I just expect to lose them. They may come back in a few years but they get trapped in a self-focused bubble for a while. I also avoid new mums myself due to recurrent losses so I don’t make the effort either (but my friends do know this and understand). It’s a phase of life thing but basically not all friendships last forever! It does mean the ones that do last are really special though.

I agree with this - almost none of my friendships survived, unfortunately.

I hope for a better result for you - the fact that you’ll both be mums will probably make a huge difference.

BitofaStramash · 26/10/2023 13:11

A 2 hour trip with a 3 month old baby is a complete faff.

If baby is breastfed she can't leave baby for more than 2-3 hours a a time.

She's probably completely sleep deprived.

Your expectations of her are completely unrealistic. Don't be hurt. Be understanding.

BitofaStramash · 26/10/2023 13:12

Spanglemum02 · 26/10/2023 10:42

Maybe phone her with your news?

A good suggestion

GloomySkies · 26/10/2023 13:12

I tried SO HARD to keep friendships up like before when DC1 came but my baby would scream incessantly if we were in the car for more than 15 minutes (sometimes less) and would feed very frequently. Plus we got sod all sleep. It was too hard. Some days I even struggled to get dressed, and my flat was a tip. Some people's babies are super portable and have predictable routines, some aren't, mine wasn't. My baby also wouldn't take a bottle - I went to a&e one night and was there for about 12 hours when she was small, she took one after about 7 hours of screaming (NOT exaggerating), threw it up all over herself and refused any more. I went to the hairdresser and when I got back I could hear her screaming from down the street. So with the best will in the world, I couldn't keep up the same level of friendships. Plus no money and no energy. I really really appreciate the friends that tried to understand that I was struggling and it was temporary.

Original poster
BVIre · 26/10/2023 13:13

Sorry just going to reiterate because I think it might have got lost in the last message- she isn’t breastfeeding & I do not expect her to drive 2 hours to me nor did I say that.

OP posts:
Original poster
BVIre · 26/10/2023 13:17

Also any advice for when we are texting all she texts about is her, her updated & pictures of the baby? I dutifully respond to every photo with ‘how cute’ and ‘awk look at her’ and make sure to reply with appropriate responses to whatever she’s telling me in her lengthy updates, but she has stopped asking about me & my DH looked through the messages and also agreed that he does find it a bit rude that she hasn’t asked once how I am or what’s new with me.

she then also proceeded to get annoyed when I hadn’t told her that my other friend got engaged and she found out via Instagram and why didn’t I tell her (they are not friends, their only connection is that they were both bridesmaids at my wedding), but felt that was info I should’ve informed her about but she doesn’t ask how I am or what’s new with me?

OP posts:
Original poster
BVIre · 26/10/2023 13:24

on those who mentioned about her arranging to go to her mums for dinner after I drove to her house the first time- I agree.

this has been a pattern in our friendship before because she says I’m her only ‘chilled out’ friend which has translated to she’ll flake on me to keep someone else happy because I’ll make less of a fuss, this has been an issue our whole friendship.

so yes I took a half day off work the first time to see her, drove the 2 hours down & arrived at 5ish and she had arranged to have dinner with her mum at 6:30pm- she arranged this after confirming it was okay for me to come down, I was about 6 weeks pregnant at the time myself. Her mum lives 5 minutes away from her and she sees her 2-3 times a week but my friend said she had to go round because she didn’t want to upset her mum.

so whilst I understand everything that everyone has said, there has been other instances where I can’t help but feel that this has turned into a totally one sided friendship but in her texts she is telling me how lonely & bored she is and how her friends in her local down don’t come to see her at all.

I am going down on Saturday the 4th which was my first free Saturday and genuinely looking forward to telling her my news but I do feel like she’ll be upset that I’ve waited so long to tell her but nothing I can do about that. she is quite sensitive and sometimes can be difficult, on her wedding day she also asked me to remove my wedding ring so I didn’t upstage her on her wedding day (I got married 6 months earlier), in which I politely declined.

I love her dearly and I am trying to be understanding so thank you to all who have genuine helpful advice.

OP posts:
BlueEyedPeanut · 26/10/2023 13:26

3 months is simply too early to expect flexibility. 2x one-hour drives with a baby is a big risk. Especially if it involves motorways. The baby's routine at that age will still be being established. Feed times, nap times, bedtimes etc. She needs to stay close to home where everything she needs is. And unless her partner has been with the baby, and knows the baby, and is known by the baby as much as she is, it will be too distressing for the baby to be away from her and therefore she won't feel comfortable leaving the baby.