Friend had a baby & friendship has changed

[BVIre]

Hi! So I am currently pregnant with my first baby but have no other kids so don’t know if I am being unreasonable or not & would genuinely appreciate advice!

My really good friend that I lived with all through university & love to pieces- we were each others bridesmaids and everything! She had a baby at the start of August, the baby was a bit of a surprise but her & her husband were super excited and I was delighted for them. Since we left uni, unfortunately we live quite far away from each other (approx. 2 hour drive).

We normally see each-other once a month and we meet in a place that is half way for both of us & it has worked really well our whole friendship. Throughout her pregnancy I offered to come closer to her because she was quite unwell but she said she didn’t mind & made comments along the lines of ‘sure once the baby is here you’ll be coming to me all the time’- which I didn’t really think much about.

Fast forward and she has her lovely wee baby and she is doing so well but the friendship has massively changed. I have only been down to see her once since she had the baby and when I arranged to come down and see her I only had an hour with her before she had arranged other plans to go to her mums for dinner which was fine. So it’s a 2 hour drive to her house, and she’s confused why I can’t come and see her more often. My job doesn’t finish to 5:30pm and with traffic I wouldn’t be able to get to her until 8ish and then have to bare in mind that I am a 2 hour drive away from home so I am kind of reliant on weekends which are incredibly busy for me.

I’d love to see her more but she’s made no offer to meet me even 1/2 hour closer and the baby is now 3 months at this point. I also want to tell her that I don’t mind if the baby doesn’t come if that’s what’s keeping her but I don’t think her husband is at home all that much to give her a night off, I also don’t want to offend her but telling her it’s her I want to see & not the baby.

The other point is I am also now 16 weeks pregnant & she has no idea because she’s the type of person to get offended if I text her that news as she would expect to be told in person. I am now not seeing her to next week and I know she’s going to be so upset that I’ve waited so long to tell her (she told me at 7 weeks) but I’ve always been the more private of the 2 of us and I also feel stuck because I would text her the news but she has made comments before that she would be annoyed if I text her news like that so I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

We are also not big texters and I feel like I have been making a huge effort to check in via text with her but I get quite long paragraphs from her back with about 600 pictures of the baby and they feel more like a Facebook post life update than a conversation with a friend and she doesn’t really ask me how I am back.

Just wondering if I am being unreasonable to be upset at how much her becoming a mum has changed our friendship already or if anyone has advice?

3 months is still very little and especially if she is breastfeeding she won’t be able to leave the baby for long.
it can be quite an effort when they are that little and feed regularly to do long trips as timing it around feeds is hard and if she isn’t comfortable feeding out of the house she won’t want to go for long.

it sound like you are only trying to see he in the evening, can you go on the weekend instead?

I've experienced this with friends who've had kids (I haven't yet but TTC). Honestly I've just stepped back from the friendships. I've felt very hurt by it as friendships are very important to me. I have many other friends who have kids and still make just as much effort as before so it is fully possible. It's so sad, and I am sorry for you. She sound very precious in not wanting pregnancy news by text. Honestly I'd tell her by text, pointing out that you would have prefered to tell in person but she hasn't made the effort, and stop making any effort yourself.

Honestly at 3 months my DS was a nightmare… feeding every 2 hours and constantly screaming.

It was so much easier to stay at home/ have people visit. I wouldn’t have been able to meet in a cafe or anything like that because he would just scream.

3 months was still very much in the sleep deprived fog for me. I know driving half an hour to meet a friend seems perfectly manageable, but for me, at that time it really wouldn’t have been. Just keeping myself and the baby fed and alive took all my mental strength.

Try not to take it personally. I know I was a total bore for a few months, just focussed completely inwards and couldn’t really retain information/think of anyone else fully. Hopefully it will pass.

Although I will say that only seeing you for an hour after you drove 2 hours was shit of her. All I can say was maybe she got plans muddled in the sleep deprived haze. Was she apologetic at least?

I completely understand your point of view. When you have your baby you will completely understand hers. If the friendship is worth keeping (and it probably is, good friendships are hard to find) it is worth holding tight through this bit. That doesn't mean you have to do anything that makes you feel like a handmaiden but equally give her a bit of a break. A baby is lifechanging in ways you don't realise until it happens.

I don’t think it’s necessarily about not making an effort. Every baby is different and if hers isn’t sleeping well then she’s probably exhausted and might not feel safe to drive for half an hour there and back or if the baby doesn’t do well in the car and just screams . What may be ok with one baby might be a lot harder with another.

I didn’t leave my local area for the first 3 months at all, apart from going to my mum who lived an hour away, and that was when DH drove me and I would then spend a couple of nights at my mums.

It is hard to explain how difficult the first 3 months can be. Some people have very easy babies who sleep easily and have no feeding problems, but lots of people deal with intense sleep deprivation in those first few months, together with a baby who doesn’t latch or has colic. So it is not at all unreasonable for her to have been distant over the past few months, and to not want to venture too far away.

If she is breastfeeding, she can’t leave the baby with dad for long at all so that’s not an option either.

I never understood how intense those first 3 months could be until I went through it, so you’re not being unreasonable either for feeling put out and as though you’re the only one making an effort, as you most likely are.

You should tell her you’re pregnant over message. I know it’s not ideal but circumstances have changed and if it’s difficult to meet, you don’t know when you’ll next see her. I have a good friend who I wanted to tell in person, but due to various circumstances I never saw her for several months. It got to the point where I was 8 months pregnant and she still didn’t know, so I told her over text and explained that I had hoped to tell her in person, but I was now very pregnant that I couldn’t wait until we meet. Can you send that sort of message to your friend?

Maybe phone her with your news?

YABU. You can't complain that she hasn't brought her very tiny baby on the 4, or even 2 hour round trip to see you when you've said you're too busy to go to her at weekends! At this point it's much easier for you to do the travelling than her so if you value the friendship then you need to find time at weekends I guess.

Well of course it has. You’ve e dropped down the list of priorities, rightly so.

Kindly, YABU. You’ll probably feel the same when your little one arrives. Congratulation!

She’s got a tiny baby and everything has changed. Give it time. Just be really clear why you can’t travel to her more often. And keep texting.

I hear you, but don’t throw it away because you feel irritated by her now - having a baby is a massive shift, plus exhausting beyond belief.

Life changes after kids. You will see. Like and love hearts to all the FB posts of baby will see you through. Text her that you want to see her as you have news of your own! Go at a weekend.

Once you have kids, they become your centre of life, most intensely so when they are babies, but it doesn't have to mean the end of the friendship. Just go with the changes.

congratulations on your pregnancy!

i wouldn’t have wanted to do a 2 hour trip for a short visit with a 3 month old, I think it’s to be expected that friendships change when there’s a newborn as there’s such an adjustment to routine, hopefully it will normalise as the baby gets bigger and your friend gets more sleep! If you really want to tell her your good news face to face I’d suggest going to see her?

I think when people have kids they fo often change and that includes socialising and the shift to mum friends for some.
I would just adapt if the riendship is important. When her child is older her focus will change and you may both have more time to commit. I would make more use of texting and calls to keep in touch.

I’d love to see her more but she’s made no offer to meet me even 1/2 hour closer and the baby is now 3 months at this point. I also want to tell her that I don’t mind if the baby doesn’t come if that’s what’s keeping her but I don’t think her husband is at home all that much to give her a night off, I also don’t want to offend her but telling her it’s her I want to see & not the baby.

OP, this will sound patronising but you will understand when your baby is born.
Driving an hour or so to meet up half way with a baby sounds like hell.
And 'I don't mind if the baby doesn't come' is equally unrealistic considering she had a baby in August!

You’re expecting way too much of her. She’s only 3 months post partum and her baby is tiny. When you have your baby (congratulations!) you’ll understand.

You are both being unreasonable.

Your expectations are totally unrealistic - frankly it would be perfectly normal for her to not see you for a year after having a baby because she's drowning a bit and struggling to prioritise anything other than muddling through. The best kind of friendships are the ones where people can accept that and pick up where you left off when the new mum gets a hold of her life a bit more.

But in fairness, she sounds hard work too. All this "would be offended", can't tell each other things over text etc. It's too much. You should both be able to accept you're busy and going through a lot of changes without being pissed off with each other.

Yabu as you will soon discover when you have your own baby. 3 months is 12 weeks roughly. 12 weeks is nothing...she has squeezed a baby out of her body and may have had injuries you know nothing about, she could be not sleeping, she could be breastfeeding and not able to leave the baby for long (my babies would not take a bottle or dummy, they had to be by my side until they could drink out of a cup). She very likely still adores you and needs your friendship but it just can't be a priority right now because she is keeping a very tiny and vulnerable human alive.

Give her a call, tell her your news, and let her be excited for you. And give it time. I was the first out of all of my friends to have children and I felt lonely and hurt by their lack of understanding that I couldn't just leave my 16 week old baby to go to a hen weekend. Years later my friendships are stronger than ever.

Your friendship has changed because EVERYTHING has changed for her. I know it's annoying to hear this because I've been there too, but it really is not something you can understand until you've been the mum. And I think in a few months when you have your baby you'll read this back and understand. I want to reiterate that's not a stick to beat you with, or anything you've done wrong, it's just how it is. I used to care for my nieces 4 days a week and 1 night and I thought I knew what being a mother was - I didn't!

At 3 months the baby is still small, feeding often, trying to be in a routine and possibly not driving in a car seat well at all. And 2+ hours in a seat isn't great for them for a social call.

Just hang in there. It will get better.

The first 3 months with a newborn are all about the newborn and trying to be clean and dressed yourself. Anything more is a huge effort. It’ll calm down but yabu. Unless you’re offering to drive to her house with food then clear up afterwards you’re expecting too much.

Honestly kids do that to friendships especially to ones that aren't local, its not like you can just pop by for a tea and a check in.

I didn't drive due to illness the whole of my pregnancy so getting back into the car with a baby who was crying was terrifying and stressful for me, even now at almost 2 we try and plan longer car journeys around naps.

Your friend has no right to be upset about when you chose to share news, frankly is nothing to do with her. So shut any comments down regarding that.

If you want to maintain the friendship I'd suggest booking a Saturday catch up every few months well in advance and chances are some of those will get cancelled from both sides now that you are starting a family. Even offer to meet via train so takes cars out completely but again this has its own problems.

I hope your friendship endures but in all honesty it will probably have to change and effort from both sides over next couple of years but think of the weekends away together with you and your little ones once they are older, yearly trips and things lovely

Priorities change with a baby and once a baby is the centre of the parents universe quite rightly, it can be hard for parents to see that their child isn't the centre of all their friends universe.

I think friendships do change when kids come along but this one is totally salvageable because you will soon be in the same boat. I doubt she is doing any of this on purpose. For some people having a baby is a bit like being hit by a truck, it is utterly life changing.

I were you I would send her a message like this. 'Dear friend, how are you doing? I really missing catching up with you often but between new motherhood and my crazy job it's a logistical nightmare. Anyway, I have some exciting news to share, are you free to meet up halfway any time soon? Even just for a quick cuppa, I'd love to catch up in person x'

Then I think you need to accept that given the distance and the demands on her time and soon yours, your friendship might need to change a little. Maybe when you are on maternity leave you can create some new routines like a monthly Mum and baby catch up day, or maybe even weekly. Find a play cafe or park halfway. Congratulations by the way!

YABU and you'll only realise this once your own baby has arrived and you'll be mortified for thinking this way! Your friend's priorities have completely changed, her baby is still tiny. You live 2 hours away, you need to make the effort to go see her right now or just arrange a phone call every so often. The distance is just too far once you've had a baby.

I just think generally that when people say the friendship changed, it's both parties that contributed to it, not just one. Just takes a little change in the energy from one and reciprocated on the other side, until there is no friendship left. Women seem to be especially bad at this as our lives change - one has a partner/the other doesn't, one has a job they love/the other doesn't, one has a baby/ the other doesn't, and each one thinks the other won't understand their situation, instead of realising you are both different people at the end of the day and can't be everything for everyone.

The above is also a note for myself!

You will understand when you have your baby 💜
My Dd had comic for the first almost 3 months, it was horrendous, that plus trying to breastfeed, being sleep deprived, getting used to a new life etc…you’re just hanging on for dear life at times. There’s no way I would have driven for an hour. A nice thing would be to go up and see her on a weekend day