Friend had a baby & friendship has changed

[BVIre]

Hi! So I am currently pregnant with my first baby but have no other kids so don’t know if I am being unreasonable or not & would genuinely appreciate advice!

My really good friend that I lived with all through university & love to pieces- we were each others bridesmaids and everything! She had a baby at the start of August, the baby was a bit of a surprise but her & her husband were super excited and I was delighted for them. Since we left uni, unfortunately we live quite far away from each other (approx. 2 hour drive).

We normally see each-other once a month and we meet in a place that is half way for both of us & it has worked really well our whole friendship. Throughout her pregnancy I offered to come closer to her because she was quite unwell but she said she didn’t mind & made comments along the lines of ‘sure once the baby is here you’ll be coming to me all the time’- which I didn’t really think much about.

Fast forward and she has her lovely wee baby and she is doing so well but the friendship has massively changed. I have only been down to see her once since she had the baby and when I arranged to come down and see her I only had an hour with her before she had arranged other plans to go to her mums for dinner which was fine. So it’s a 2 hour drive to her house, and she’s confused why I can’t come and see her more often. My job doesn’t finish to 5:30pm and with traffic I wouldn’t be able to get to her until 8ish and then have to bare in mind that I am a 2 hour drive away from home so I am kind of reliant on weekends which are incredibly busy for me.

I’d love to see her more but she’s made no offer to meet me even 1/2 hour closer and the baby is now 3 months at this point. I also want to tell her that I don’t mind if the baby doesn’t come if that’s what’s keeping her but I don’t think her husband is at home all that much to give her a night off, I also don’t want to offend her but telling her it’s her I want to see & not the baby.

The other point is I am also now 16 weeks pregnant & she has no idea because she’s the type of person to get offended if I text her that news as she would expect to be told in person. I am now not seeing her to next week and I know she’s going to be so upset that I’ve waited so long to tell her (she told me at 7 weeks) but I’ve always been the more private of the 2 of us and I also feel stuck because I would text her the news but she has made comments before that she would be annoyed if I text her news like that so I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

We are also not big texters and I feel like I have been making a huge effort to check in via text with her but I get quite long paragraphs from her back with about 600 pictures of the baby and they feel more like a Facebook post life update than a conversation with a friend and she doesn’t really ask me how I am back.

Just wondering if I am being unreasonable to be upset at how much her becoming a mum has changed our friendship already or if anyone has advice?

Sorry op i haven’t had time to RTHT but please understand your friendship may change for a bit as babies are hard in many cases.

I have just been to visit my friend with a 2 month old baby, close to her home, we tried lunch in a cafe and she couldn’t eat her lunch. Baby was crying, she fed him, still crying, i tried to help, he iust constantly wanted to be on the move. In the end she got a takeaway box for her lunch. This is on top of sleep deprivation etc.

I am currently 35 weeks pregnant (with my 2nd) but i know how hard it is which is why i was more than happy to take the 1hr30 train journey to see her.

I’ve been on the opposite side where my child-free friends stopped giving a shit about me once I had a baby, so anyone who doesn’t have kids but can still appreciate your new lifestyle is a true friend IME

3 months is very early days. I think you can expect her to appear to be a bit self absorbed for a year or so. As you are so far apart I think you will have to accept that you may only see her once or twice during that year and then only if you go to her.

Maybe she is just quite a selfish person or maybe she's having a hard time.

But I wouldn't expend too much emotional energy worrying about it especially as you are also pregnant and things will naturally change again soon. . Give her some space but keep things friendly and hopefully it will get better in future. If not, you will make loads of new, more local friends through your baby so may not find it matters too much.

When you have your baby you will understand as it's all consuming. Face time and tell her. Get used to not being able to meet at short notice etc. Two hours in the car with a baby can be difficult. Find somewhere kid friendly an hour in between or go with your partner and get the dads to look after kids for a bit.

When our first baby came, our roaming range dropped from about 100 miles to 100 metres for a while. When yours comes, you won't want to travel for four hours round trip with a newborn very often. You'll know what I mean when you're in the deep end of sleepless nights in about 11 months time. Tell your mate on FaceTime so it's more personal than a call or text. Tell her you're desperate to tell her, and just couldn't wait until you see her next as not sure when that might be. Don't mention her baby as the reason for that though. Good luck!

I think you’re both being a bit unreasonable tbh. Driving 2 hours to only get 1 hour is a bit unthoughtful. She could have at least given you a window to work with if she really needed her space. Also expecting you to make the drive on a monthly basis isn’t something to expect out of a friend.
where you’re being unreasonable is expecting her to offer to come see you at such an early, hard, vulnerable time. The new born stage is short but rough with being underslept basically an around the clock feeder. I think the better option would have been to offer help when the baby was born (cleaning home? Getting groceries? Cooking?) those are the important things

Ha! I thought the new post was just going to be OP "OK I get it now."
Hope everyone's doing well

Babies are a bit all consuming though aren't they? I get it, I had my daughter extremely young. I'm in my 30's now and she's a teen so I have a lot of free time, but all my friends are just now starting to have their first babies, and yes our friendships are changing as their priorities change.

Is it a bit jarring? Yeah. Will they be back if you stick around? Also probably yes! The first year can completely take you over, especially with a first baby. Just try and find other ways to be there for eachother. Stay in contact but accept that physical meetings and outings are going to be more sparse and difficult while she's adjusting to life as a mum. Try not to take it personally, a little human who is entirely dependent on her has just rocketed to the top of her priority list.

There’s a lot of fair and good advice here, but I’d have been absolutely livid at driving for two hours and being allowed to stay for an hour. That would really make me rethink this friend, along with the ridiculous text instructions!

@Nottherealslimshady unfortunately not, I wish that was the case.

My baby is now 2 months old and she has not offered to come see us once. I have stopped trying to reach out as I felt the friendship was unreciprocated & from the day my baby was born I had been getting passive aggressive comments left right & centre. Such as suggesting I will be a bad mum for returning to work full time once my baby is 9 months & that anytime I say oh ‘DS is a good sleeper ’ I am immediately met with responses such as ‘we’ll see how long that lasts etc.’ and a general judgement over my decision to breastfeed. I have stopped reaching out and it has now been 3 weeks since my last message with no effort from her at all. I offered to drive the two hours to her when my baby was three weeks old because she was ‘dying to meet him’ but upon learning that other friends had met him first she took the hump and became dismissive in text, there was never an offer from her side to even meet half way. Unfortunately I think my initial thoughts were right & am saddened to lose a friend, one who I think genuinely has not been the same since having her baby and is having a tough time but not admitting it but there comes a point where I draw a line at how I will allow myself to be treated. I met up with her when I was 40 weeks pregnant and she cried to me how lonely she was during her maternity leave and she has not instigated one message to me since I had my son. If that was me and I had such a horrible mat leave/post partum period I would be constantly checking in on my friend who is at the beginning of that journey but I suppose everyone is different.

My husband also has lost respect for her at her treatment of me as she continued to demand that I drive to her even when I was past my due date but I didn’t mind because I thought my understanding & behaviour would be reciprocated when I had a newborn. Her mum also has reached out to me to apologise for her daughters behaviour and is also sad because she would’ve liked the chance to meet my baby.

I think you are right not to contact her, but that doesn't have to be forever. No need to open yourself up to being treated badly, but you don't have to cut her out. When the kids are bigger she may come back, and you might feel like catching up again. Life is difficult sometimes isn't it.

Thank you @Spinet i am known to be hot headed and have thought about phoning her or messaging her something quite stern but have talked myself down. She is a good friend and I am hopeful she will reach out soon with a different attitude but yes for now I am done making the effort.

Her baby is THREE months old! Yes. YABU.

Wow she is very self-absorbed isn't she? She doesn't want to make any effort yet gets pissy when others aren't fawning over her. Sadly you have lost a friend, but it happens.

Becoming a parent does not make someone a good person or friend and sometimes it can bring out the worst in some people, making them even more selfish and self-absorbed.

Congratulations on your baby! Just leave her be, don't contact her and if she wants to turns things around down the line, she can do so.

@BVIre you're right to leave it alone. Don't contact her, you will open the door to more aggro. It'll just make things worse.

I’m very sad for you OP.

It seems a lot of posters very dismissive and some actually patronising of you earlier in the thread - perhaps as a result of their own experiences and you’ve turned out to have sadly been correct.

Your friend was selfish and wanting everything her own way all along.

Trust your instincts.

Just read the whole thread, I got the sense she was going to become like this OP once your baby was born. I don't think she likes you having your own baby.

Just like your wedding ring at her wedding, she thinks your baby takes attention away from her baby.

In short, she's a total twat. Please don't offer to drive to her again. The playing field is level, you both have babies. If she wants to meet you, she can suggest it and she can drive half, or shock horror for her, come to you.

She just sounds like a dick tbh, this seems to pre-date her baby and it’s just her. Can’t believe she asked you to remove your wedding ring?!