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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Back with ex. I'm sick. No sign of him..

101 replies

itsalogbasket · 25/10/2023 21:25

AIBU to think he could have driven 1.5 hrs to see me and
Look after me ? He has no commitments in the evening bar Netflix ...
I've always been there for him and ironically this is why we split up many moons ago.
Now to be fair , it's a chest infection . I'm not dying but could have done with some TLC.
Thoughts ...

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 25/10/2023 21:46

I would never ever expect someone to do a 90 min drive after work then get up and do another 90 min drive the next day because I was ill.

However my DP last week drove 4 hours home (we live together and he was supposed to be away for a night for work) after a 12 hour day and then got up at 4 am to drive back down because I was ill and he didn't want to leave me on my own to deal with everything when I was ill. He has waited on me hand, foot and finger and kept me well stocked with fluid and meds etc. he has done everything around the house and animals and got up in the middle of the night to open window as I had a fever/got me tablets/drink etc. When he went back down to work he rang me every couple of hours to check I was okay.
I would NEVER ask or expect that. But I'm so glad he did as I felt awful. And I would do the same to make him feel better.

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 25/10/2023 21:47

Well, at least now you know. I’d put him back in the ex- category if he’s not meeting your expectations.

KateyCuckoo · 25/10/2023 21:47

You're too needy to have a LDR. That's ridiculous to expect some to drive that far for an evening.

Nowherenew · 25/10/2023 21:48

I wouldn’t be going anywhere near my partner if they were ill.

You sound difficult because you want him to be a mind reader and guess that you want him there.

It you need something or you want him to come over, just ask him.
Don’t just get annoyed over something he has no clue over.

I’m sorry you’re feeling poorly but YABU to expect him to come over when you’re poorly and to read your mind that you want him there.

Ratfinkstinkypink · 25/10/2023 21:48

When he was ill did he ask you to come and look after him or did you do it off your own bat?

cocksstrideintheevening · 25/10/2023 21:49

You want him to drive for three hours and look after you? How unwell are you? Needy.

Doyoumind · 25/10/2023 21:50

itsalogbasket · 25/10/2023 21:41

Yet when he was unwell I dropped everything ... I thought it was how we were . I have small kids . He knows I could have done with a little support and kindness . Very unbalanced as I see it now . Needy or not , this is how we behaved the last time .
Me running g to help.
Him full of words with zero action.

But did he expect you to drop everything and run to him, or is that a thing you think is important?

YABU to expect anyone to do that trip when you have a chest infection, and YABU to continue in a relationship you already know doesn't suit you.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2023 21:51

Unless you are totally incapacitated I wouldn't expect someone to come for a 3 hour round trip on a work night and potentially get ill too. It sounds like you need comfort and moral support more than someone actually waiting on you though.

I have learnt the hard way that waiting on men and putting them first to my own detriment and blurring my own boundaries definitely does NOT mean they'll be willing to do the same for me. This is a lesson in putting yourself first. Whether you stay with him or not, don't do any favours expecting the same in return only do them if you truly have the time and energy to give .

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/10/2023 21:52

Is he the father of your children?

TheShellBeach · 25/10/2023 21:52

Ignore everyone telling you you're being needy. It's a bit unfair when you're feeling miserable already.

I'd get rid of this man again, OP. You do more for him than he does for you. And it's upsetting you.

Goodornot · 25/10/2023 21:53

I travel 90 minutes after work about 3 times a week to my mums hospice because she is dying. I don't know how long she has.

My boyfriend on the other hand: I would not travel 90 minutes after work to see him to wait on him for a chest infection. In fact I wouldn't want to get it.

What are the issues that made him your ex?

BravoMyDear · 25/10/2023 21:54

Expecting someone to make a 3 hr round trip in an evening when they’ve got work the next morning is ridiculous.

I agree with PP, you’re too needy for a LDR.

Janieforever · 25/10/2023 21:55

What do you expect him to do. I don’t really understand, what’s he supposed to do when he comes over, what does this minding you translate to? I genuinely don’t understand

Parky04 · 25/10/2023 21:56

Dacadactyl · 25/10/2023 21:34

He is who he is. He hasn't changed. If it's important to you for a man to drop everything, then it doesn't matter if we think YABU. If it's important to you, then you need to find a man who will treat you that way.

Best of luck finding one!

Janieforever · 25/10/2023 21:57

It sounds like you need comfort and moral support more than someone actually waiting on you though

how do you give comfort and moral support to someone with a chest infection? Do you sit there saying you will be ok and stroking them? I didn’t even know this was a thing. That you’d give someone with a chest infection moral support.

StarDolphins · 25/10/2023 22:02

I would insist that someone didn’t drive 1.5hrs if I had a chest infection & I wouldn’t do it either (& I’m v supportive).

If it was something serious & I absolutely needed assistance then yes.

Aquestioningmind · 25/10/2023 22:02

What did you do with your kids when you ‘dropped everything’ to look after him?

Hbh17 · 25/10/2023 22:06

You've got a bit of a bad chest - why does anyone need to drive a 3 hour round trip on a work night? I'd be mortified if someone thought I needed looking after in that situation.

winniethedoo · 25/10/2023 22:06

If my partner lived 100 miles away, I had a chest infection and he was working at 9am and I called him at 9pm there is no way o would expect him to come over.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 25/10/2023 22:09

Are the kids his? If so I can understand why you would have appreciated hi, comI g over to help out, although you should have asked rather than be angry he didn’t read your mind. If they’re not his kids I think YABU, I wouldn’t expect him to drive 90mins after work to go over for one night and drive back before work tomorrow to care for kids that aren’t his. I also wouldn’t think that would be in the best interests of the children, presumably if he is an ex you are wanting to take things slow in terms of him being involved with the kids until you are 100% sure it will work this time.

anonimoxyz · 25/10/2023 22:11

I don't know. Wouldn't expect it personally- what do you want him to do? However, if your standards expect this then finish it as you're not evenly matched in expectations and you can't communicate what you need. Not your fault, but a bad match. Feel better soon!

Ggttl · 25/10/2023 22:16

I don’t know anyone who would drive for 3hrs to look after an adult with a chest infection. I think your expectations might be a bit unrealistic.

CrazyHedgehogLover · 25/10/2023 22:16

You dropped everything because you chose to, it doesn’t mean he has to follow suit..

YABU to expect him to drive when he has work the next morning, just enjoy the peace and starfish in bed!

diamondpony80 · 25/10/2023 22:17

I wouldn’t do it for someone else unless they were seriously ill and certainly wouldn’t expect them to do it for me. Especially if they were working at 9am the next morning. We’re all adults for goodness sake and it’s only a chest infection.

Catza · 25/10/2023 22:21

Just because YOU elect to drop your child to look after an unrelated adult (unprompted, I presume) does not give you the right to expect him to reciprocate. Neither should you expect anyone to be reading your mind. Ever.

Who in their right mind would ask someone to drive 1.5h on a work night just because they feel a bit sorry for themselves? A phone call would suffice.