To not do DD school pick ups on EX-DPs day

[didistutter56]

I’ve posted about DD’s Dad before on here, but after a falling out and the usual barrage of abuse I get off him every few weeks, I’ve finally put my foot down and told him I won’t be collecting DD from school on his days.

We are supposed to have a 50/50 childcare arrangement (through choice so he doesn’t pay maintenance as he struggles with money), yet it never ends up that way because on some of his days I end up picking DD up from school until he finishes work at 6pm. This happens a minimum of once a week, usually twice if it’s his 4 day week.

Im self employed and work from home, and I’ve worked my ass off to get my business to the point where it supports both me and my partner (he works with me, not just being a cocklodger). On the days where ex-DP can collect DD from school, I work until at least 5pm, sometimes well into the evening catching up. Meaning when I do him the favour and collect DD for him, I stop at 3, get her home, entertain her and make tea until he collects her at 6.30, missing out on the working hours id usually get.

i don’t think I should do him the favour anymore as it’s affecting my working, he contributes nothing financially for DD, even at his own home he expects me to hand over clothes I pay for to keep them there, or he’ll just keep them when she goes over. He never books time off in school holidays, doesn’t contribute to anything towards school like trips or anything else, and pretty much does the absolute minimum in making sure she’s fed. Weekends are a rarity, so his 50/50 agreement is him having DD 2-3 school nights a week with half of them being me collecting her until 6.30.

He’s also an absolute prick. If I don’t do what he wants, I’m a c*nt, a bitch, a disgusting parent..

This has only really been an issue since he got a promotion in the summer, which he knew would affect his working hours and how often he could collect and see DD, but went for it anyway and instead of getting his family to pitch in or using an after school club, apparently I’m the one who should be helping because i work from home and only live 10 minutes away.

AIBU?

YANBU but unfortunately you can’t make him not be a prick, and inevitably if you put your foot down, you’ll get a call from school wondering why she’s not been picked up. Even if you make clear to them which days are “his”, it sounds like he’s the kind of prince who won’t answer his phone.

Go to CSA. If he's not doing 50:50 he shouldn't be paying nothing. He had a promotion, after all.

YANBU but if he is a such a dick it might be difficult to enforce this. Perhaps give him the choice of booking her into an afterschool club or whatever childcare is available, or say that you will continue to do it but that he will have to reimburse you for the lost hours worked.

Oh and yes go through CSA if he is not actually doing 50/50.

He doesn’t have set days and I usually only find out on the actual day when he’s having DD anyway, so there would be no risk of her being left at school as I expect to pick her up most days.

You shouldn’t have done this in the first place. I agree he can’t have it both ways. I’d be careful in recording things as you proceed though, as if he doubles down you don’t want it to look like you’re blocking contact. I’d write him an ‘official’ letter stating you cannot continue your work whilst doing his pick ups on his days. From now on he can pick his dd up on his days, if he doesn’t and you get contacted by the school to collect her, then it is clearly no longer his day and you will be keeping her.

I think what I would do was tell him that if I collect the bairn on his day, then I keep her and put a claim in for CM as 50/50 isn't working.

You can't just leave the bairn to be left at school, he knows this. But I wouldn't be handing her over when he decides to show up.

You need to have set days in writing then. From your thread it’s sounds like you’ve got court ordered 50/50 contact and you’re doing him a favour and breaking the order by collecting her early for him

Sounds a bit petty to be honest

Oh whoops, no it’s not court ordered! We’ve always generally been able to arrange contact ourselves. It used to be 2 nights a week, and when he started struggling with maintenance 2 years ago I suggested he had her more often so wouldn’t need to pay, which was like getting blood out of a stone at the best of times anyway. Since then he’s changed jobs a few times and has gone for a better role so can’t keep up with 50/50 anymore but expects me to help out for him.

@didistutter56 why does she have to see him? Does she want to? Is she loved and looked after while she’s there?

I wouldn’t send her if he’s such a terrible arsehole - sounds like he doesn’t really care much about her. If it’s crap for her, I wouldn’t make her go, do it all, and claim for money off him.

He does, doesn't he? Sound petty.

All sounds a bit ad hoc and chaotic; I think you need to sit down with him and get a concrete timetable so it’s truly 50/50 and, if he can’t actually do 50/50, claim maintenance. Set days may actually benefit DC especially as they get older and have clubs, hobbies, friends and want to know where they’re actually going to be each night.

It is a bit chaotic truthfully. DD goes to school asking who’s picking her up and by the time we’re half way through the day, it’s changed. It didn’t used to be so bad, I used to know at the beginning of the week but these days I find out at around 12pm of the day that he can have her.

I’ve tried to go with it because DD does genuinely seem to enjoy going, and I had a lot of therapy as a teenager from my Dad abandoning us, so I’ve probably kept that in mind when trying to maintain a relationship between them both (in reply to PP about does she have to go).

He says he can’t do set days because he works shifts. Yet he’s the manager and he does the rotas.

For your daughters sake you need to get the rotas out of him and a schedule in place. I'd also just go to CSA and ask them to do an assessment contesting (and evidencing) that he isn't doing 50/50. Even if it's a £100 a month you end up with it's better than what you're getting now.

You are being so mugged off.

Why are you allowing this? Surely him treating you like a dick was at least one of the reasons you split.

Go to court, go to CMS, block his number until he can be civil.

I’d discuss with your daughter more in depth. Perhaps it would be better all round that he takes her out for a meal, to the cinema etc? It must be unsettling for her not knowing where shes going? I’d talk to her to see if she DOES mind and how she is feeling and I’d base my decision on that.

DD goes to school asking who’s picking her up and by the time we’re half way through the day, it’s changed.
That's bad, really bad. You will be making her feel insecure and anxious with these adhoc arrangements. That is not fair on her.

It's time to get both your contact times and responsibilities written down and kept to. If it isn't then it's time for a court order. If DD is old enough then get her input, ie if she hates sleeping at his then 4 days in a row would be awful for her but she could still go for her tea or manage 2 nights etc.

Edit - I see you have had therapy over your own childhood experiences so you must know how anxious your DD will be feeling. Dont continue the cycle

2-3 days is not 50/50. So open up a cms claim and tell him that’s what you are doing. She should be doing one week at yours, one week at his or something similar. He has clothes toys etc at his house, and you at yours and that’s it

no I wouldn’t be collecting her on his day, nor would I be accommodating last minute notification, hence set days or a week to get proper 50/50. I would also be expecting him to coug( up 59% of school uniform , trips etc

he either does a proper 50/50 or pays child maintenance

He needs to pay for after school club or arrange for someone to collect her on his days.

If not doing 50/60 then get a claim
Into CSA.

You are not his partner. You do not need to facilitate anything for him

There are quite a few levels here, with it seems like probably the least important being the main topic of your OP - the impact on your work.
I am not saying that your work isn't important, of course it is. But the other issues are higher priority:

• the impact on your dd. You don't say how old she is, but at any age this lack of stability and routine is going to be having an emotional impact in her. I understand your wanting to do whatever you can to avoid her experiencing the abandonment that you suffered, but this sort of chaos over a prolonged period can be just as, or even more, damaging. Children need predictability.

50/50 can be very hard for children- is is usually done in the interests of the parents rather than the kids (as you say, only the situation so he would t have to pay, but she is paying the price). It works best when they are at each parent for a run of days, with a strict routine. Not alternating days. Sorry to be blunt about this, but is seems that possibly by holding her 'best interests' at heart, somehow they have got lost.

• his abusive behaviour towards you. I can see why you left him, and we'll done for getting out. But he is still controlling you and getting his way through bullying you. I realise it's hard but for both of your sakes you need to find a way to stand up to him or avoid having to deal with him directly. You don't have to listen to the abuse. Some co-parents make all contact email only... You can find other ways to come to an arrangement. You may need mediation/court/csa but the current situation isn't working for you or dd. It is only suiting him.

Please find your 'no'. And I don't just mean about picking her up from school - that is a distraction from the main issues. You need to find a completely different access schedule, taking dd wishes into account if she's old enough.

It sounds so hard, 💪

Wow, OP, you’re being waaaaaaay too accommodating to this truly awful man.

I can’t believe he calls you those vile names and yet you’re still interacting with him and jumping to cover his responsibilities.

The contact with him is for the benefit of your DD - not him. If you’re certain she’s enjoying it then I’d have a total reset and massive separate your life from his.

He needs to provide work rotas in advance either weekly or monthly to arrange contact time and then stick to it. He also needs to arrange childcare if he cannot collect from school - and that does not mean you picking her up.

It sounds like he has no intention of doing 50:50 properly, so do open a case with CMS and you will get the payments regularly, instead of him withholding.

If he doesn’t approach all this in a collaborative and polite way then you might want to get a court order and consider having a family member to help with comms and handovers, so he doesn’t get to verbally abuse you for fun.

Also agree with all that @allgrownupnow says. You say he doesn’t do school hols so it’s impossible to be doing 50:50 over a year. Also, he’s absolutely controlling and abusing still. Time to get tough.

You need to compromise.

The days he has her need to be agreed on Saturday, then on his days, if he cannot collect her he pays for after school club.

If he doesn't finish until 6pm and after school club finishes 5pm then perhaps you could collect her from after school club?

Why can't he do weekends?

Totally understand what you’re all saying, thank you for all your advice. I’ve spoken to DD after collecting her from school and she’s said she only wants to go to her dads twice a week and that it upsets her when the plans change because she’s excited to be at Mummy’s and then it changes and it upsets her. She’s 8 years old.

i will be relaying all this information to her Dad tomorrow. No doubt I will be told I’m turning her against him and made out to be the bad guy again, but I’m happy to take the brunt of his shit to make DD happy.

I know I need to get my big girl pants on and put my foot down, I definitely have people pleasing tendencies and that needs to stop now for both mine and DDs wellbeing.