To not do DD school pick ups on EX-DPs day

[didistutter56]

I’ve posted about DD’s Dad before on here, but after a falling out and the usual barrage of abuse I get off him every few weeks, I’ve finally put my foot down and told him I won’t be collecting DD from school on his days.

We are supposed to have a 50/50 childcare arrangement (through choice so he doesn’t pay maintenance as he struggles with money), yet it never ends up that way because on some of his days I end up picking DD up from school until he finishes work at 6pm. This happens a minimum of once a week, usually twice if it’s his 4 day week.

Im self employed and work from home, and I’ve worked my ass off to get my business to the point where it supports both me and my partner (he works with me, not just being a cocklodger). On the days where ex-DP can collect DD from school, I work until at least 5pm, sometimes well into the evening catching up. Meaning when I do him the favour and collect DD for him, I stop at 3, get her home, entertain her and make tea until he collects her at 6.30, missing out on the working hours id usually get.

i don’t think I should do him the favour anymore as it’s affecting my working, he contributes nothing financially for DD, even at his own home he expects me to hand over clothes I pay for to keep them there, or he’ll just keep them when she goes over. He never books time off in school holidays, doesn’t contribute to anything towards school like trips or anything else, and pretty much does the absolute minimum in making sure she’s fed. Weekends are a rarity, so his 50/50 agreement is him having DD 2-3 school nights a week with half of them being me collecting her until 6.30.

He’s also an absolute prick. If I don’t do what he wants, I’m a c*nt, a bitch, a disgusting parent..

This has only really been an issue since he got a promotion in the summer, which he knew would affect his working hours and how often he could collect and see DD, but went for it anyway and instead of getting his family to pitch in or using an after school club, apparently I’m the one who should be helping because i work from home and only live 10 minutes away.

AIBU?

From your Dd's point of view she needs to know who is picking her up each day. This needs to be set in stone by Sunday night at the latest. No ad-hoc late changes as this will be causing her no end of unnecessary anxiety. If your exH cannot commit to collecting her 50/50 then the arrangement needs to change.

I would ignore the impact on your work when discussing this with exH (he won't care and may enjoy being disruptive for you) just focus on predictability for your DD which is entirely reasonable.

Yes, he sounds incredibly petty. Imagine not wanting to pay for your child and expecting other people to run after you because you can’t fulfill your commitments. OP, I’d keep shtum for a month, do every single pick up and drop off he asks, offer to keep her over, bring her back AND keep a note of every single day - build an evidence base demonstrating you do the bulk of the care. Go to the CSA and get paid through them - don’t rely on his largesse. It’s not a discretionary payment. It should be money he automatically pays to support his child.

Be strong, OP. 8 is the brink of school and homework getting much more serious. The last thing she needs is to be messed around in the week.

she’s said she only wants to go to her dads twice a week
I'm glad you've spoken to her. Does the above involve sleeping over? Otherwise perhaps decide on him having her after school on Wednesdays (all day in hols) and Friday night with sleepover until Saturday evening? Keep it fixed every single week so all three of you know, and start a cms order. Any afterschool care or pickup then he organises and pays.

Good luck!

He’s clearly not doing 50-50 so I’d get maintenance too

Since he has form for being abusive,

Email him, very short and clear not accusatory. Don't try and tell him by phone

state preferred times as per your DD and rationale like stability, she doesn't want to be anxious etc

If he responds back with abuse, then you have a basis for court. It does't sound like he'll be cooperative to be honest, but this adhoc arrangement needs to stop

Just seen the updates and I agree in speaking to him. It’s very unfair to your DD if she’s thinking she’s at home then goes to her dad’s. If he can’t commit to set days a week in advance then I’d say two evenings only. Whether you ask for maintenance is your choice, but he should certainly be paying it. He’s had a promotion yet isn’t spending much at all on his own daughter. He can’t have it both ways

He is not doing 50 50 so te him that you will be putting in a claim for child maintenance. I would be telling him if he wants dd on those days he must pick her up or arrange childcare. If you have to pick her up she sleeps at home.

I think it's unfair to put it on your daughter to be honest. He will probably confront her about that.

The fact of the matter is that he can't have her if he isn't able to pick her up or arrange suitable cover. You aren't childcare for him you are DD's mum. Either he commits to days he will have her and therefore sorts it all or he doesn't and you have her 80% of the time.

when he started struggling with maintenance 2 years ago I suggested he had her more often so wouldn’t need to pay

Did you think this would be in your DD's interests?

What is happening at the moment is chaotic and unsettling for her. She's only 8. Forget about work for a minute (I know that's easier said than done) and think about what is best for her.

You say you are a people pleaser, but the one person you are not currently pleasing is the one person whose needs and feelings matter more than anyone else's.

This has only really been an issue since he got a promotion in the summer, which he knew would affect his working hours and how often he could collect and see DD, but went for it anyway and instead of getting his family to pitch in or using an after school club, apparently I’m the one who should be helping because i work from home and only live 10 minutes away.

If the whole reason for him doing 50/50 was to avoid him having the cost of contributing because he couldn't afford this, then his promotion (which presumably means him earning more) makes now a natural time to revisit that.

FWIW, I'd suggest she see him one evening for dinner, and for a set period on one day at the weekend (either to do something fun together, or for him to take her to ballet or swimming or whatever activity she might do). She sleeps at home with you, and she basically lives with you, but has a routine of seeing her dad. He will have to pay CM.

You also mentioned your partner. It sounds as if your daughter has had a lot of disruption already, and your ex is obviously not going to do anything to help her, so I'm afraid the onus is on you.

You need to set boundaries. He is abusive and he is taking advantage.

Why? The OP is having stop work, pick up her child and look after them until the parent who has chosen to have them that evening can. Which he's only doing as he wants to save money.

OP honestly speak to him. Tell him she only wants to go there twice a week, he can seemingly only have her twice a week, he's not paying for the things he should be therefore you need to go back to him doing 2 days a week - he can let you know his schedule when he gets it and then he pays maintenance for the rest of the time.

Make it dependent on him confirming his working hours when he gets them and then you'll be felxible.

@didistutter56 We have a family barrister in the family. My understanding is: The most frequent arrangement for child care is 5 nights with the non resident parent out of 14. So resident parent has 9 nights. Therefore 50/50 doesn’t work for most. This should be worked out in advance around rotas and weekends. Most parents manage it. Establish what the days will be each week and stick to it. Don’t use your child as a proxy in an argument and get this legally sorted out. It’s not fair on DD.

Why would you have a child with him I'm sure this isn't the first time he showed u he was up and down

🙄 He’s a narcissist. If you know anything about this, you’ll know they lovebomb and do anything they can to win someone’s affection before turning. We had 4 good years until he turned within a few months of me getting pregnant. Comments like this aren’t in the slightest bit helpful.

Thank you to everyone else who has been helpful! I know better than to ever discuss things on the phone with him, everything is through messages and saved. I’ll discuss it with him tomorrow, he can’t have DD for the rest of the week and he can have half term to either put a plan into action or not bother.

I have an ex who is not dissimilar.

You absolutely would not be wrong to refuse to collect on his days.

I expect he still won't collect and you will have school phoning and to protect your daughter you will end up collecting her so she doesn't feel rejected. I have a court order saying which day is ex and I'm still the one school phone on his days and I still collect most of the time because I know if I don't no one will. Somehow school see it as mothers fault if you don't collect just because "it's not my day" regardless of the impact on your work

An “agreement” to collect is worthless if it leaves DC upset and in the middle of arguments when no one turns up. It’s really up to parents to stop putting Dc at the centre of arguments. Use a child minder or school club to be consistent. Find a way.

He ended up having DD yesterday as she had an after school activity I dropped her off at and he could get there in time. After I picked DD up from school today I asked whether she had a good time at daddy’s, to which she promptly burst out crying that they had gone to Grandmas and he was complaining about me infront of her calling me a bitch.

Ive sent him two messages today, outlining that DD wants to reduce contact to 2 days (I wonder why!) and that we need to know by Sunday evening what days those will be for the following week. I also mentioned how he should be controlling his temper around DD so she doesn’t feel torn between two parents and like she’s almost the referee between us. His response was “No.. and no”.

Tell him to take your to court then. He will have to commit to certain stipulations like letting you know which 2 days a week in advance. He's been taking you for a mug and I am not surprised that dd has had enough. My kids would have lost their shit long before. When you go to court make sure school holidays are set up so that he is responsible for the whole day 9am onwards not 6pm.

You've been far too nice to him and he's taken advantage of that. It is best for dd to have a regular routine even if it means seeing dad less than before.

Totally agree with @BoohooWoohoo

What a fuckwit he is. Gloves are off, now OP. Make him fight for contact.

Yanbu.

Regardless of what you decide to do with school pick ups on his days, you need to contact CMS and begin a claim, and tell them what you have put here. You're expected to do most school pick ups, restricting your earning potential, and in school hol, and buy all her clothes etc.

He's taking the piss and you're letting him!

The amount of dads now wanting 50/50 to dodge paying their fair share of the finances is despicable, but if they're not actually PAYING 50/50 then CMS can decide they still owe you child maintenance.

Just read your further posts op.

Def time to put your foot down on the contact and the finances. What a tool he is.

He sounds awful. I would messege something along the lines of 'Its a shame to hear that you don't want to control your temper infront of DD. Please let me know which days you would like to have her each week going forward so we can all have abit more stability.' If he refuses tell his that's a shame, I pick her up each day and am happy to discuss things in mediation once he is ready. Then make a CMS claim.