Sorry to post this on here but I just don't know what to do with myself.
I feel like I'm failing at every single aspect of my life.
I have two very young kids ( under 4 ). I have a husband and I have a family. I have a career too. But I feel like I suck at all of these things.
I don't feel like I play with my kids enough and I feel bad when I discipline them. I don't feel like a good mum. My oldest sometimes asks for her dad when I've told her off or put her in time out and I feel so bad about it. The last few nights she has woken me up at around 3 am and just stayed awake until 5 am for no apparent reason. One of the nights she asked me for chocolate milk and I shouted at her and then the next night I could tell she wanted to ask me again but she knew not to ask and it just made me feel like the worst human ever. Eventually I asked her is she wanted chocolate milk and she said ' yes please '. To be fair she always wants chocolate milk, but that's not the point. Last night my youngest was playing up, like he does every night at bed time, so I put him in his cot as punishment ( as he hates it in his cot ) and he was crying and my older child was also crying because he was crying. I felt bad again. My older child kept asking for her dad.
Speaking of dad. Dad works like an absolute dog away from home 5-6 nights a week and doesn't get in until 9pm. He's exhausted and has nothing to give. He is not happy with me and just wants me to give him sex, which I can't do because it brings me to my next point- I keep gaining weight. I used to be quite attractive and I suppose I don't actually look that old. I have quite a few years left of being reasonably young and I could be much better looking but I just can't seem to pull myself together and I absolute hate what I've become now. It's just not me and I cannot be touched by my husband when I look the way I do. I really am vile. I try to eat better but I just keep fucking it up.
This brings me onto work. I just can't concentrate on my work. I suspect I have adhd to be honest. It's always been very difficult for me to concentrate. I have some better days but it's a huge slog and I constantly feel like I'm not doing enough and like I'm absolutely rubbish at my job. I talk to people a lot in my work and I listen back to some of my conversations and I'm just absolutely awful. I'm nervous, unsure, under-confident and I don't know what I'm talking about. I sit and try to learn and train myself to do better and sometimes I do feel slow improvements but overall- I'm not where I should be.
This brings me to my house keeping skills. I do ok some of the time although my drawers and cupboards can be a bit messy. I do like to keep a tidyish house as I just cannot even begin to function properly otherwise. But I notice that I'll keep it all quite tidy for a few weeks and the it goes down hill. It's never as consistent as I would like. To keep it tip too tidy, I literally have to be clearing up and tidying constantly. I already have a cleaner once a week and this barely touches the sides. I also outsource the ironing of my husbands shirts.
Cooking - I'm not great at. I can't be bothered really and it's more mess than it's worth but it's a necessary evil. My husband is really into food so he is pretty much always disappointed in what I make. Oh he also thinks I don't feed the kids good enough food and always makes that clear.
Anyway, I know life is hard at this stage with two young kids, a husband that's not there really ( I do everything for the kids for 5-6 days a week ) they go to nursery thankfully. But all night wakings, all dinners, all getting ready in the morning, nursery runs, cooking, laundry, buying nappies and new clothes etc etc ( I do all of that stuff ).
I have a reasonably flexible job that allows me autonomy over my time. But it's pretty high pressured and results driven. It's definitely a challenging but rewarding career.
In any case. I know many many people have it much worse than me. I live in a big house and I have a big salary, so does my husband. But the drudgery and the exhaustion of everything is driving me insane and I want to scream most days.
Above all I want to be more present for my kids. I love them so much. Could I be depressed or is this just life that I can't deal with?