Why can't I just be happier ? Am I actually depressed ?

[unhappiemum]

Sorry to post this on here but I just don't know what to do with myself.

I feel like I'm failing at every single aspect of my life.

I have two very young kids ( under 4 ). I have a husband and I have a family. I have a career too. But I feel like I suck at all of these things.

I don't feel like I play with my kids enough and I feel bad when I discipline them. I don't feel like a good mum. My oldest sometimes asks for her dad when I've told her off or put her in time out and I feel so bad about it. The last few nights she has woken me up at around 3 am and just stayed awake until 5 am for no apparent reason. One of the nights she asked me for chocolate milk and I shouted at her and then the next night I could tell she wanted to ask me again but she knew not to ask and it just made me feel like the worst human ever. Eventually I asked her is she wanted chocolate milk and she said ' yes please '. To be fair she always wants chocolate milk, but that's not the point. Last night my youngest was playing up, like he does every night at bed time, so I put him in his cot as punishment ( as he hates it in his cot ) and he was crying and my older child was also crying because he was crying. I felt bad again. My older child kept asking for her dad.

Speaking of dad. Dad works like an absolute dog away from home 5-6 nights a week and doesn't get in until 9pm. He's exhausted and has nothing to give. He is not happy with me and just wants me to give him sex, which I can't do because it brings me to my next point- I keep gaining weight. I used to be quite attractive and I suppose I don't actually look that old. I have quite a few years left of being reasonably young and I could be much better looking but I just can't seem to pull myself together and I absolute hate what I've become now. It's just not me and I cannot be touched by my husband when I look the way I do. I really am vile. I try to eat better but I just keep fucking it up.

This brings me onto work. I just can't concentrate on my work. I suspect I have adhd to be honest. It's always been very difficult for me to concentrate. I have some better days but it's a huge slog and I constantly feel like I'm not doing enough and like I'm absolutely rubbish at my job. I talk to people a lot in my work and I listen back to some of my conversations and I'm just absolutely awful. I'm nervous, unsure, under-confident and I don't know what I'm talking about. I sit and try to learn and train myself to do better and sometimes I do feel slow improvements but overall- I'm not where I should be.

This brings me to my house keeping skills. I do ok some of the time although my drawers and cupboards can be a bit messy. I do like to keep a tidyish house as I just cannot even begin to function properly otherwise. But I notice that I'll keep it all quite tidy for a few weeks and the it goes down hill. It's never as consistent as I would like. To keep it tip too tidy, I literally have to be clearing up and tidying constantly. I already have a cleaner once a week and this barely touches the sides. I also outsource the ironing of my husbands shirts.

Cooking - I'm not great at. I can't be bothered really and it's more mess than it's worth but it's a necessary evil. My husband is really into food so he is pretty much always disappointed in what I make. Oh he also thinks I don't feed the kids good enough food and always makes that clear.

Anyway, I know life is hard at this stage with two young kids, a husband that's not there really ( I do everything for the kids for 5-6 days a week ) they go to nursery thankfully. But all night wakings, all dinners, all getting ready in the morning, nursery runs, cooking, laundry, buying nappies and new clothes etc etc ( I do all of that stuff ).

I have a reasonably flexible job that allows me autonomy over my time. But it's pretty high pressured and results driven. It's definitely a challenging but rewarding career.

In any case. I know many many people have it much worse than me. I live in a big house and I have a big salary, so does my husband. But the drudgery and the exhaustion of everything is driving me insane and I want to scream most days.

Above all I want to be more present for my kids. I love them so much. Could I be depressed or is this just life that I can't deal with?

You are not a bad mum. It took me years to realise you are not a bad mum if you snap at them when they sleep deprive you. You are a normal human pushed beyond your limits. You are not a rubbish mum if she asks for her dad when you are cross with her. That's fair enough. She has two parents. You are not a rubbish mum for saying no to chocolate milk, or for giving in occasionally - children need to learn parents are human too. Parents make mistakes, get upset, are sometimes inconsistent. Long term, you are there for her, providing her with care and love and security.

It's okay to say to her: I get grumpy when I am tired so please don't wake me up in the night. Put some water and oatcakes or bread and butter by her bed if she wants something to snack on in the night. Chocolate milk has to wait.

OP, I think many women with young children, absent husband and a career will relate!

If I were you I’d throw money at the housekeeping issues and focus on three things:

1. Self-care - prioritise your well-being ; look into intermittent fasting and some form of lunch time exercise. Outsource as much as you can from the grunt work
2. Be more present and attuned to your children
3. Focus on feeding the family well - this will help you too. Look into batch cooking or easy/quick cooking from scratch (e.g. when you work from home set up a slow cooker or fix up a cottage pie to be ready for the evening)

The weekend situation is just ridiculous - he can't make a fuss about your hobby but then refuse to do even engage with the children.

Just go out and do your hobby.

God he's an utter dickwad.

He does engage with them, but I still feel like I need to excuse myself somehow and he can just keep doing his own thing and fleeting in and out if that makes sense.

I get it - you're on duty all the time, he can suit himself unless he's specifically asked to take care of his own children. That needs to change.

OP I think you need to have a long hard discussion with your DH. Yes, it will get easier when your children are a bit older and sleep better, but that doesn't change the glaringly obvious imbalance here. And if that imbalance isn't addressed no doubt you'll carry resentment even when things are easier, and rightly so. Having it all cannot possibly equate to doing it all - eg man goes out to work, woman does all the domestic stuff and also goes out to work.

You're supposed to be a team. The two adults in the family need to be sharing the parenting, domestic and mental load equally (by equalling I mean within the time when you're not both out at work if that makes sense).

Gosh I feel so sad for you reading your posts 😞 We women have really been sold a lie haven’t we. How on gods earth are you supposed to be able to do ALL that on your own?!

I agree with others too, your DP isn’t playing fair at all. Long hours or not. Your hours never stop!! Your hours go on all day and all night. And half of them unpaid too!

You sound utterly exhausted and burnt out and it makes me angry that our patriarchal, late stage capitalist society has led us to this.

Sending love and solidarity 💐

You are putting so much pressure on yourself no wonder you feel overwhelmed! You sound like you are doing a great job juggling life!

You need to give yourself a break. You’re actually doing so, so well in juggling work, very young children and the bulk of housekeeping and the mental load. Its really freaking HARD to do even 2 of these three ‘jobs’ and youre naturally exhausted trying to keep all the balls in the air.

Ive not read the entire thread, but is there any spare cash in your budget or family around to help a little? A cleaner once a week? A family member who could prepare you a couple of batch cooked meals a week so you get nights off from cooking/ thinking about what to eat every day? A couple of hours to yourself when youcan sleep/do a workout/go for a haircut/or just be alone for a bit?

It does get easier, I promise it does. I was you when my kids were little, overwhelmed, overweight and unhappy. I’m now 3 stone lighter, loads more energy and getting back to remembering who I was before marriage and kids.

You’ve got this…but you NEED to carve some time out for you…to feel like a human being.

And your stupid other half can do one…he’s lucky he gets fed at all, you work AND take the bulk of the childcare/house so that he CAN work 5/6 days a week. Tell him to pull his socks up and either chip in and help or put some of his salary into helping you. You are his partner, not his cook.

I'm so frustrated again today. I just don't get one fucking moment of peace unless it's work time.

The kids are just constantly and I mean constantly making a mess. It never ends. I literally could just scream right now.

I can't even have a coffee in peace, the little one climbs on the tables and kitchen island and the older one finds the jar of Nutella whilst I'm in the loo and now there is Nutella everywhere. All over both of them! I had just got them dressed. I've got so much laundry, it's insane. I probably have to wash at least 7 -8 loads a week.

My little one's nursery get through two outfits a day ( i don't know how ).

I know people say just to leave the mess, but having a reasonably tidy environment helps to keep me balanced. Honestly I don't know how I'm supposed to carve out time for myself as everything will go down hill.

Soon I'm taking the kids to visit my family for a couple of weeks and I'm really looking forward to that. I'm happiest when we have family round. I really hate it when it's just me and the kids. But even when husband is there it's just a bad vibe most of the time. He's grumpy a lot and overwhelmed and it's just not a great vibe because I'm also on edge because I'm frustrated at his lack of doing much of the mundane stuff I just have to keep doing every weekend too. I need to get him to do batch cooking at the weekend like someone suggested. He can go out to the supermarket too and get all the ingredients and actually help out properly.

Yes. Yes he can. You aren't his staff. He is a grown adult man who needs to feed himself.

How would he do it if he was single? Spend a lot of money on takeaways and eating out I suspect.

Things went from bad to worse and little one had a poo explosion with poo all on the floor.

Thankfully it's half term so it didn't make us late for preschool

I feel overwhelmed and exhausted just reading your posts. I don't think there's anything wrong with YOU in an innate sense but your environment is not one where you can flourish. If you put a plant in a dark cupboard with no water or light and it wilted and became weak, we wouldn't say there was something wrong with it, but rather its conditions. Your conditions aren't ones in which you can flourish. You need to be able to nourish yourself with friendships, hobbies, time to yourself...

Is there the possibility of your going part time, so you have more time? You could use the time the kids are at nursery when you would otherwise be at work to do things for yourself. (Your partner should make up your missed pension contributions in this instance, though, so that needs to be factored into the cost.)

Definitely take back that time for your hobby at the weekend.

You need to find ways for you and your husband to reconnect. (I'm trying to be generous to him here!) The first step, before you get onto things like date nights and weekends away, has to be honesty. Can you tell him how you are feeling - miserable, exhausted, frustrated - and that you want to work as a team to get to a place where you are happy as individuals and a couple? It's a long road from there but at least you'd be setting off together.

Can you tell him how you are feeling - miserable, exhausted, frustrated - and that you want to work as a team to get to a place where you are happy as individuals and a couple? It's a long road from there but at least you'd be setting off together.

I have told him countless times tbh and he just doesn't get it. He says he's doing all he can and can't do anymore than that. He has barely any time to himself too and I can't even imagine how hard things are for him at work and how exhausted he is. I don't know what he has to go through every day either, that's what he says. He has become a bit better, he doesn't shout at me anymore / lose his cool if I haven't managed to get dinner ready on time or if he can't find his clothes or something like that. I put a stop to that behaviour, at least. But he's basically just as miserable as I am and says that if we had sex regularly he would be so much happier and he'd do whatever I wanted. I think he resents me hugely for not wanting to be intimate with him. I think he's extra shitty towards me because of that sometimes.

You absolutely have to talk about this with him. I don't know if men just are hard-wired not to notice this stuff. My DH who is a good man, would go to the gym, just assuming that was fine, while I had been literally housebound with two tiny children, one of whom had special needs and was very ill most of the time. I was so worn down I couldn't even confront him on it. I remember being delighted when I got serious root canal issues and my face swelled up because it meant I had to have two two-hour dental appointments where I could lie in a chair.

Eventually I got my act together and explained to him that I needed time off too. If he gets X hours a week to do evening footy and to teach soccer to kids, you should have the same amount of time off too, non negotiable. Don't demand he cuts back, just calmly insist on the same for yourself. He can't argue with that. And don't let him play Mr Helpless just as you walk out the door. It's his job to puree food/mix formula/ pick up sufficient nappies etc. He can learn how to do it, just like you did. If he finds it stressful, point out that he's right - it is, that's why you need a break from it - vcan he imagine doing it 24/7 while you waltz off to sports fixtures, without feeling resentful? If he can't, why would you?

It's hard, especially if you are constantly sleep-deprived and having to do everything because DH is away so much. I've been there so understand. As the kids waking during the night is probably causing a lot of problems because it makes you tired and less able to feel on top of things, why not co-sleep, at least when DH is away overnight? It will hopefully give you more sleep and more energy, and also perhaps make the children a bit calmer.

You also need to make sure you get a bit of time to yourself at the weekend.

As for your DH, he needs to pull his weight more when he is home. That can start with doing some a batch cooking at the weekends, and holding the fort while you go out for a couple of hours.

I think you are doing the best you can and by the sounds of it you know your husband works long hours so you don't want to burden him further.

Life will get easier, you have still a young child. It's all hands on deck and can feel like an eternity m. But all of a sudden your youngest will slowly become more independent and more understanding. Parenting is hard and draining and exhausting. And it will become easier.

Defo have a MOT at the doctors. Do some mindful exercises keep some positivity for home life.
These beautiful children depend on their mummy and probably feels like the zap they life out of you emotionally and mentally some days.
But where would they be without you? They won't be dressed or fed. You are literally those kids backbones and it's such an achievement.
See motherhood as a reward, before you know it they are off out with their mates not wanting to be home.

Sometimes we need to remind ourselves this

@unhappiemum I'm sorry that sounds so hard for you. It does sound like he is worn out and miserable too perhaps? Certainly he is not happy with how things are (although his proposed solutions are naive and hurtful, like saying if only you had sex more it would be ok - erm, sex is an outcome of feeling happy and feeling good in yourself and towards someone else, not the other way around!)

Ultimately it sounds like you would benefit from some couples counselling where you can work this through together. If you are both on good salaries it should hopefully be something you could afford. The question is whether he would be up for it.

So sorry to hear this OP. This sounds awfully hard. You need to reflect on yourself and find some love within yourself, stop trying to find it and approval from outside sources. Look at your life: two wonderful children, a husband, a career, a home.
That is my absolute dream! I am not saying you are ungrateful, I mean you have achieved a lot and should be very proud of yourself ❤️ there is a reason you are in your job; because you are good enough and you can of course do it

Your children will love you forever, so please do not be upset about these small things and remember you are their parent not their friend. You are doing amazingly.

As far as everything else goes, definitely hire in some help. If I were you, I’d track down local teaching or nursery assistants and offer them work as an au pair/housekeeper. You may have some luck. Be open about your needs and make sure they’re willing to do things like homework help, tidying up (not cleaning as you have one), preparing a meal, washing etc. Might cost you but you’ll feel much better for it. It will also be nice to have somebody in the house you can talk to for a change. I’m a TA and I have done this for a while, I have gotten really close with the lady whose children I look after. I get paid £25ph and do it for 2 hours every day after school. X

you also sound very alone in your marriage and it is time to have a frank conversation with your husband regarding responsibilities. If he is working this much, I would assume you can afford this additional help between you?

I have ADHD. Elvanse has helped me massively and it actually has reduced my appetite so much that I am down to my ideal weight. Go private but be aware that you will not be able to get medication on the NHS at all because the NHS won’t accept shared care for private ADHD diagnoses. It is £100pm for the medication.