Why can't I just be happier ? Am I actually depressed ?

[unhappiemum]

Sorry to post this on here but I just don't know what to do with myself.

I feel like I'm failing at every single aspect of my life.

I have two very young kids ( under 4 ). I have a husband and I have a family. I have a career too. But I feel like I suck at all of these things.

I don't feel like I play with my kids enough and I feel bad when I discipline them. I don't feel like a good mum. My oldest sometimes asks for her dad when I've told her off or put her in time out and I feel so bad about it. The last few nights she has woken me up at around 3 am and just stayed awake until 5 am for no apparent reason. One of the nights she asked me for chocolate milk and I shouted at her and then the next night I could tell she wanted to ask me again but she knew not to ask and it just made me feel like the worst human ever. Eventually I asked her is she wanted chocolate milk and she said ' yes please '. To be fair she always wants chocolate milk, but that's not the point. Last night my youngest was playing up, like he does every night at bed time, so I put him in his cot as punishment ( as he hates it in his cot ) and he was crying and my older child was also crying because he was crying. I felt bad again. My older child kept asking for her dad.

Speaking of dad. Dad works like an absolute dog away from home 5-6 nights a week and doesn't get in until 9pm. He's exhausted and has nothing to give. He is not happy with me and just wants me to give him sex, which I can't do because it brings me to my next point- I keep gaining weight. I used to be quite attractive and I suppose I don't actually look that old. I have quite a few years left of being reasonably young and I could be much better looking but I just can't seem to pull myself together and I absolute hate what I've become now. It's just not me and I cannot be touched by my husband when I look the way I do. I really am vile. I try to eat better but I just keep fucking it up.

This brings me onto work. I just can't concentrate on my work. I suspect I have adhd to be honest. It's always been very difficult for me to concentrate. I have some better days but it's a huge slog and I constantly feel like I'm not doing enough and like I'm absolutely rubbish at my job. I talk to people a lot in my work and I listen back to some of my conversations and I'm just absolutely awful. I'm nervous, unsure, under-confident and I don't know what I'm talking about. I sit and try to learn and train myself to do better and sometimes I do feel slow improvements but overall- I'm not where I should be.

This brings me to my house keeping skills. I do ok some of the time although my drawers and cupboards can be a bit messy. I do like to keep a tidyish house as I just cannot even begin to function properly otherwise. But I notice that I'll keep it all quite tidy for a few weeks and the it goes down hill. It's never as consistent as I would like. To keep it tip too tidy, I literally have to be clearing up and tidying constantly. I already have a cleaner once a week and this barely touches the sides. I also outsource the ironing of my husbands shirts.

Cooking - I'm not great at. I can't be bothered really and it's more mess than it's worth but it's a necessary evil. My husband is really into food so he is pretty much always disappointed in what I make. Oh he also thinks I don't feed the kids good enough food and always makes that clear.

Anyway, I know life is hard at this stage with two young kids, a husband that's not there really ( I do everything for the kids for 5-6 days a week ) they go to nursery thankfully. But all night wakings, all dinners, all getting ready in the morning, nursery runs, cooking, laundry, buying nappies and new clothes etc etc ( I do all of that stuff ).

I have a reasonably flexible job that allows me autonomy over my time. But it's pretty high pressured and results driven. It's definitely a challenging but rewarding career.

In any case. I know many many people have it much worse than me. I live in a big house and I have a big salary, so does my husband. But the drudgery and the exhaustion of everything is driving me insane and I want to scream most days.

Above all I want to be more present for my kids. I love them so much. Could I be depressed or is this just life that I can't deal with?

Would you be happier without the big house and the big career?

You sound completely overwhelmed to me. Could you go part time, or take a job that’s less stressful?

I have the big house, three young DC, pets, etc but I am a SAHM. No way could I cope with a Big Job as well. It’s exhausting, and if DH isn’t around (mine works away for weeks at a time) then it’s totally understandable you are finding it hard.

I agree with PP, be kind to yourself and think hard about your own needs being met somewhere in all this.

@NoSquirrels I know we all say this. It should be equal. But he's just not here as much as I am. So I pick up a lot of the slack.

Although a few weeks ago I was working out of the house and still had to keep doing all night shifts etc etc.

I think I could maybe get him to do batch cooking once a week. Seeing as he's the foodie.

Honestly, when I was on maternity leave I probably struggled even more. I feel so bad saying that but work gives me a break away from the kids.

You sound at rock-bottom. I'm sorry.

If you have a big salary and can afford it, outsource as much as you can, even the cooking.

M+S do some healthy ready meals. Get stuff delivered if you can. Or that Freshbox thing for ideas and ingredients. Don't overthink it.

A service like this, maybe?

Catering Services from your own Personal Chef (cooksathome.co.uk)

You've got the cleaner and the ironing sorted.

I know nothing about kids, so sorry if the following is not possible, but is there someone who can help you work with the children on their sleep schedule? Sounds like things have got out of control there with some bad habits borne of desperation for sleep which is totally understandable (referring to the choc milk here). Choc milk contains caffeine, so that definitely won't be helping.

Sleep and Your Child: How You Can Build Healthy Sleep Routines | ECLKC (hhs.gov)

I hope things get better for you soon.

Really sounds like all work no play.
Is there any times you go out together as a couple?
Let your hair down, relax, laugh.
It's imperative you reconnect.

If he’s not there to do his share, he must accept that he has to pay for help to even up the workload. That’s why I’m banging on about a nanny-housekeeper.

If you didn’t need to be the one organising the shirt outsourcing, taking the kids to childcare and picking up, if the toys were always tidied and someone else put the food shop away and gave you one night a week‘a babysitting so you could go to the gym or see a friend - or just sit alone in a pub with a good book and a glass of wine - then the night waking and being present and happy for your children would be easier.

You need more help. If it’s not him, you need to pay for it as a family.

We sometimes have a chat if the kids have gone to sleep and I haven't also fallen asleep. That's it.

The kids sleeping issue is really hard and I don't know how to solve it. Long story short they both want to sleep with me / on top of me.

It's like musical beds for me every night. I have an ok stretch of sleep until maybe 2 am and then it's pretty disrupted by them both waking at different times and needing me to fall back to sleep.

I really for you. There's nothing wrong with you at all, that is just literally more than a person can sustain on their own. Speaking from experience, when it's all drudge work and no real leisure or space for yourself - you will run out of steam. It isn't sustainable.

I know it feels impossible but you need to carve out real space for you alone, away from the kids and housework and work.

I think pp are right - you need more help, in the form of a nanny or similar. It might be difficult where you live but that's what you need to do. Can you ask around? Or even just make a list for yourself of things to do to try to get someone, and then do them one by one. I'd be hopeful it isn't impossible?

Thich Nhat Than line: 'The greatest legacy a parent can give their child is their own happiness.'

Life of course is full of chores and can't ever be expected to be easy or always enjoyable. But what you've just described is too much for anyway, it really is. You need some leisure back in your life - some proper space for yourself.

Do the children share a bedroom?
I've always opted for lullaby's in there room ALL night sound on low.
You have to find strength to keep the routine the same, return back to bed. It will be even more exhausting trying to rectify the pattern for a few days.
Is there anyway if putting a drink in your daughters room and explain this is your drink if you wake up. As the shop has run out of chocolate milk.
Your mentally preparing her that there is none available.

They have their own bedrooms but because they can't fall asleep by themselves, we all fall asleep together in one room. Then I usually move the little one to his room.

The chocolate milk isn't an every night thing at all tbh. It goes through stages. But it's a good idea to give her a drink of water and make her aware it's there. But I still think whenever she wakes up, she wants me to give her a cuddle. She gets scared in her room on her own, even though she has a really nice night light and also calming low volume music. The waking up and needing me is an every night thing, the chocolate mil is an occasional thing that's come up again recently.

My 18 month old on the other hand drinks quite a bit of milk at night. I don't know how else to get him to fall asleep again. He probably takes two bottles of milk every night.

And if I try not to give him milk, he doesn't stop crying and vomits from crying so much. So yes I've opted for the easier options. He hates his cot, he cries until he is sick in there ( I tried very gentle sleep training ). He can't settle without milk, so I give him that.

It's the only way I can get some sleep.

You sound like a perfectly normal exhausted parent.

It's exhausting isn't it?!?

Do what works for you. If they need milk to go to sleep then go with it. My daughter always used to go to sleep in my bed then I'd move her! Or I put her mattress on the floor next to me!

I hate cooking too. Boring! I either use Gousto or that Cook shop that sells 4 person frozen family meals - so easy and really nice! Just have to cook the rice!

You do need a hobby though. It's important to still be you and not just become someone else's mummy! I took up kick boxing 5 years ago and love it!

I have a hobby I absolutely adore but I haven't been doing it recently because I can't do it in the evenings because of taking the kids to bed and I was doing it a lot during the day and found I wasn't working as much as I should have been.

At weekends my H was resenting me going off to do my hobby ( it's a sport ). So I haven't done it recently and I definitely feel worse for it.

You’re working, looking after 2 children under 4 alone & doing all the housework. That’s why you’re miserable OP.

Get the kids out to knacker them out, even better with company so you can vent/chat if that’s possible. You’re not being harsh on your kids, kids need boundaries that’s not mean. Stop beating yourself up. Give yourself a break!

Your husband has no right to resent your hobby! You work all day and with the kids. You have the same right as him to some time off!

I suggest both of you get a 4 hour slot of me time at the weekend.

I agree you’re probably just wrecked with it all! One thing I would say is that kids say stuff, they ask for the other parent, they act like you’re cruel when you don’t give them what they want, you have to develop a way of not letting that get to you

I mean - your husband sounds like a dick.

He hates your cooking but makes no effort to sort the food out himself.

He works long hours leaving you alone with the kids but resents you having your own time at the weekend.

OP, as everyone says, you're clearly exhausted because you're doing absolutely everything.

I get it, your DH is out of the house longer than you so you're picking up the slack on the domestic/parenting front when he's out, BUT by the sounds of it you're doing all the domestic work and parenting all the rest of the time as well, including through the night. The fact that you have said a couple of times that you 'outsource the ironing of HIS shirts' makes me suspect that you're carrying the entire mental load for the household too which is very tough, and exceedingly unfair.

So, you've said your DH doesn't get home until 9pm - when does he leave in the morning, and what are your work hours? When you're both there and not working, eg evenings, through the night, at weekends, that stuff needs to be split equally. All of it. And you said he resents your hobby at the weekend so you've stopped doing it.

Fuck that shit frankly. you a) need some me time, and b) you said it's sport. So so often women prioritise everyone else in the family so never have any time left for themselves, including to exercise (whilst their husband merrily goes to the gym / plays his sport at weekends etc). Does your DH have any 'me' time to do something of his choosing (even if it's just doing nothing at home, because you're doing all the parenting etc) - as you should be getting equal.

From what I've read it seems like your husband:

Totally prioritises his career and leaves everything child and house-related to you
Constantly wants sex and doesn't care that you're too exhausted to want it
Criticises your cooking but doesn't bother his arse to lift a finger to sort it

No wonder you feel so fucked off. Having small, non-sleeping children is total hell, but you eventually get through it. If you have a partner who just isn't at all bothered about your health or needs then that's a different thing - chances are, once things settle down (and they will, even though it doesn't seem like that now) you'll have such huge resentment towards him that it'll be hard to get past.

He needs to cop on and start behaving like an actual dad and partner.

He doesn't do much for himself however, I feel like it's still always me who's stuck with the kids all weekend. He flits in and out of the kitchen and living room to have long showers, just lie on the bed for a while / he does man jobs that mean he's outside and not with us. So even tough he doesn't go out particularly, he isn't really present with us, all that much. He's forever leaving the room and I don't know where he goes. Whereas I stay out and do the usual cooking and cleaning up after everyone.

Or if we go out, he has a very long shower etc and looks all lovely. In the time he's showering, I'm cleaning up / getting the kids ready and then have like a 5 minute window to sort myself out. I always look pretty awful tbh. And I'm someone who usually takes a lot of pride in my outfits etc. granted I can't anymore cos everything looks bad anyway, but I don't have time to prioritise it when we go out anyway.

Or if I do go up first sometimes, I end up paying for it. By the time I come down, everyone is still in pjs, dishes everywhere/ mess everywhere. Nothing is done or things are half done at best. It's frustrating.

I'm sick of my life.

OP, I totally get it and so will 99.9% of mothers reading your post.

Have you read this book: https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-book

The blurb:

I can relate to so much of this, especially the partner working hard but then everything else is on me & it’s a lot just like you are finding. What has helped is mine are a bit older & sleep better, this has improved my productivity at work so I am not always feeling bad about that. If you don’t want to get a sleep consultant can your husband do even 2 nights a week (if he doesnt, obv he should be doing half hut as a start) so that you know you can sleep through every few days. And also having a babysitter one evening a week to go swimming really improved stuff for me. It’s not easy to find someone and it’s not easy to leave the kids if they would rather I am there but it has brought some joy back and thats what can go missing when you never get time for yourself.
Also I think you’re being the best mum you can, don't feel guilty about it but recognise you need to replenish yourself by putting yourself first so you can avoid shouting etc if you dont want to. I have found Anna Mathur really helpful on this, she has a podcast or I think her book Raising a happier mother is worth the investment.

Sorry to be blunt but the message screaming out from this post is your husband is a dick.

Sorry posted too soon. I can't really iron very well. My husband irons his own shirts and he would outsource this. We both work and the tasks get shared equally

Why not let your husband read this thread and see what he thinks? Have you actually told him how you feel?