To not visit MIL for 60th bday?

[amandanorgaard]

So for context, DPs parents live in Ireland, a short flight away from us in England. DP and I have been together 8 years and lived in both countries, for the last 3 years we've bought a house in England and have an 11mo DD. We normally visit 2-3 times a year and vice versa. Since having the baby it's obviously a bit more of an effort to go over but we've visited twice and they've come over several times to see her. We have a good relationship and I'm very grateful for that.

Our next planned visit is in January. In December it is MILs 60th. They are having a surprise party for his mum and DP has booked to go over. I have one day of annual leave left (my emergency childcare day) which I could take to go over too with the baby, but I feel like it's a lot so close to Christmas when we're all going in Jan, plus the expense of the extra flights, luggage and dog boarding when we are only just about getting by financially (literally month to month, no luxuries or savings).

AIBU not to make the effort? I will of course send a thoughtful gift from me and DD, probably handmade e.g crocheted throw blanket. I feel awful but honestly we can't afford it and it's a surprise anyway, I'm hoping she'll be pleased to see DP and look forward to seeing us all a couple of weeks later? She's a very laid back type of person but does love spending time with her family.

Any ideas for thoughtful gifts from DD much appreciated!

Ditch the gift and go see her on her birthday. Life’s too short

Can your DP take DD?

Definitely not a hand crochet blanket! She is 60 not 80! A nice picture of the grandchild and a trip out somewhere nice when you next see her.

Can you change your January plan to December instead? It would be a shame to miss it, I think.

Why are you going in January if her birthday is in December?

So this was booked ages ago, we normally go in Jan as we both work in the public sector and time off in Dec/Christmas can be difficult! At the time I never even thought about her birthday! Stupid really.

I wouldn’t worry - she’ll be overwhelmed with people and it will be nicer to see her with baby in January. Honestly I wouldn’t fret. It’s nice that her son is going. What does he think you should do?

As a grandmother I'd be happy with that, I can't really remember what we did for my 60th but I think my kids and GC all came and we went out for a meal but honestly if a DIL was missing I can't remember it.

If I was choosing a gift for my DIL to give me I'd love a photo book with photos of you all but with a special focus on the first year of DGDs life.

This!!!

Thanks for this - he's happy to go alone and I think secretly quite pleased, he'll be able to go out with his friends from home without feeling guilty about leaving me at his mums house with the baby!

He could and he would, but it is quite difficult flying solo with a baby! She's also breastfed, she does take a bottle so it would be fine but he's never been used to having to make up formula etc out and about and I think he'd struggle. Plus I'm not 100% how she would settle at night in a strange bed without breastfeeding... she may be fine but I'd feel awful. I'd rather go I think if she was going!

Thats understandable, if DD went with DS MIL would end up looking after her too, which im sure she'd love but not while trying to celebrate. It may take the shine off it. Really MIL would be really happy if you all went and made the effort but if you genuinely cant then dont feel bad.

Hopefully she'll understand, it does make sense.

I know they're not to everyone's taste, but how would she feel about a ceramic e.g. a mug with DDs hand prints on it?

I think your plan sounds lovely, she get some time with her DS and then has your trip as a family to look forward to as well

If you are able to crochet a throw, then that is a wonderful gift..I wish I could do something that cool

@amandanorgaard , this, this

Is your DP ok about you not going?

I think it’s fine.

Would the blanket be made by you? I would love something like that made by my DIL. Lots of crocheted blankets these days are gorgeous.

Let DP go on his own - I bet he’ll love it and his mum will get to see him and can enjoy it knowing she’s seeing you all in January.

Yes he's fine, and I think quite looking forward to having the time to go out and catch up with old friends in the pub without leaving me and the baby at his mums! Yeah I love crochet and sewing, it's the only hobby I've really been able to hold on to since becoming a mum!!

Love this idea! Would go lovely with my gift too. She's not the type to say anything if it did offend but I obviously don't want to upset her!

Honestly? Go. It's a big event and it is special. You'll regret it later if you don't.

And if your DD is anything like my DS he loves the photos of him with special people at big events, even if he was too young at the time to have any idea or remember.

A photo of your DD with her DGM on her 60th - priceless.

Sorry but that’s really thoughtless. Change the arrangements and go and see her on her birthday

I’d much rather see you than have a blanket.

If it's a big party is it going to be you taking the baby home half an hour after mil arrives and sitting at home on your own?
Far better to let dp go and she can properly spend time with her grandchild in January

I turned 60 earlier this year, and what meant the most to me was having my close family with me. I don't have grandchildren.

I wouldn't want the blanket or any ceramic with handprints.

Rearrange your plans and go for the birthday celebrations. I have missed a dear relative's big birthday and in my head I was being all sensible and practical at that time. It was the last birthday they had and I bitterly regret it now.