To not visit MIL for 60th bday?

[amandanorgaard]

So for context, DPs parents live in Ireland, a short flight away from us in England. DP and I have been together 8 years and lived in both countries, for the last 3 years we've bought a house in England and have an 11mo DD. We normally visit 2-3 times a year and vice versa. Since having the baby it's obviously a bit more of an effort to go over but we've visited twice and they've come over several times to see her. We have a good relationship and I'm very grateful for that.

Our next planned visit is in January. In December it is MILs 60th. They are having a surprise party for his mum and DP has booked to go over. I have one day of annual leave left (my emergency childcare day) which I could take to go over too with the baby, but I feel like it's a lot so close to Christmas when we're all going in Jan, plus the expense of the extra flights, luggage and dog boarding when we are only just about getting by financially (literally month to month, no luxuries or savings).

AIBU not to make the effort? I will of course send a thoughtful gift from me and DD, probably handmade e.g crocheted throw blanket. I feel awful but honestly we can't afford it and it's a surprise anyway, I'm hoping she'll be pleased to see DP and look forward to seeing us all a couple of weeks later? She's a very laid back type of person but does love spending time with her family.

Any ideas for thoughtful gifts from DD much appreciated!

Hehe - yup I'm 59 and 60 next year - hopefully not going off that soon.

Also - so many rude comments about the crochet blanket!!

I would love that OP - especially if hand made and colourful. Stick to your plans re January visit. Sounds fine to me.

Isn't it sad that something handmade with love is dismissed. With cost of living crisis and trying to keep bills down a nice crocheted blanket will be a lot more use than many presents.

I agree.

As an owner of a handmade small business I think its rather crass that so many people look at it as tacky and cheap. Don't get me wrong there are a lot of handmade goods out there that do look like they've been made by a child 😂 but... if the OP can crochet well then she could make a beautiful item which could be worth more than any of the gifts suggested already. My business is not crochet but I do it as a hobby as well so understand the value of what a finished piece would sell for.

@amandanorgaard
I don't have grandchildren, but I do have adult children.They have lovely partners and we spend a lot of time together. I would not admit this under torture, but I TREASURE the times I see the kids on their own! I think it's fine for your dp to go alone. I'm about the same age as your mil-and, assuming you're not talking a acid coloured acrylic striped lap rug, I'd love a crochet blanket. Also, be careful about framed photos. Does she have that sort of thing about? I have great nieces and nephews I love but I confess my heart sinks if I unwrap a framed photo! I'm quite minimalist, and I just don't have that sort of thing on display. And it's awkward thinking about when it's OK to take it down!

Yes the seats defo are! However by the time you've added on your infant and your luggage for 2 adults and a baby, plus paid for the dog to be look after it does add up!

Thank you!
Oh what a lovely idea I'll look into those!

OP I think your idea is fine, she won't get to really see you if you go for her birthday. Baby is likely to be cranky at an evening event, and as a fellow breastfeeding mum I understand what you mean when you worry about her settling in an unfamiliar environment at that age if you sent her with your DP.

Save your emergency day and go 2 weeks later when you'll be able to spend quality time together, maybe plan a nice lunch out somewhere or day trip with her to somewhere she may not usually go.

I agree, could you do this? You say MIL is laid back and loves seeing her family, I’m sure she’d love to see you and her granddaughter on her special day. A gift, even a hand made one doesn’t compare with the gift of time and your physical presence on her birthday.

Thank you everybody for your opinions!!

General gist I'm getting is - most think it's ok, to miss this time and spend almost a week quality time with her a couple of weeks after, which I honestly think we will all enjoy a lot more!

I can appreciate handmade gifts aren't for everybody - however she is a difficult person to buy for and I know she'd appreciate a handmade item.

Love the extra ideas for gifts too, thank you!

Can understand why people are saying just to go, or change plans though. And still feel guilty!

I can see it being hard work with a baby that age. Could you not celebrate with her in January with family lunch or afternoon tea out somewhere?

I can see you chasing about looking after the baby while DH gets pissed.

I'm 60 in a couple of years time and would really not appreciate a hand crocheted blanket. Straight in the charity bag

@Justcallmebebes that's you, other people like them

Project yourself into the future and imagine what you would want on YOUR special day...
I feel that this is one of those occasions when you should put aside any thoughts of how inconvenient it is for you. It's not about you.

Sorry, but I am feeling a bit grumpy about the posters who think that MiLs only really want to see their sons, and grandchildren if they have any. I love my two DiLs very much. Luckily I live very close to one of them, but the other lives a few hundred miles away so I can't see her (and my other son and grandchildren) so often.

My husband and I never stay at their's when we visit, but we do visit as much as possible, after discussing with both of them a time when we can meet up for at least one meal out, and a coffee on another day. So we visit their area 4 or 5 times a year, for between 3 and 5 days.

Anyway, I really miss my DiL as well as my Son and Grandchildren in the inbetween times, so I would be very disappointed if I didn't get to see her when we visit, but if anything made it difficult for either my Son or my DiL to see us on any particular visit, I would understand, and not let them know how disappointed I was.

So please dear Mumsnetters, don't assume that all MiLs only want to see their own children and Grandchildren.

Depends on the type of surprise party - if it’s an all day event at someone’s house, loads of family kids of all ages attending etc, yours would be the only missing grandchild etc, then I’d be more inclined to go. If it’s an evening do in a pub, bar, restaurant etc, where it’d be hard for an 11 month old even if you lived nearby, and it’s nearly all adults going, then no stress stay at home.

And boo hiss to the blanket haters out there - I’ve been getting and loving blankets as presents and gifts to myself, both shop and handmade, since I was 17. Love them. Just maybe don’t if you can’t picture her ever using one, or you can imagine her taking offence. Make sure the colours work for her decor etc.

Totally reasonable as long a DP is going.

make like a baby painting (like Halloween, you dip their butt into orange paint, use them as the stamp, and turn it into a pumpkin) - but birthday. I don’t know.

recent first steps? Dip kiddos feet into paint and have them walk over a canvas. Give ‘first steps’ as a gift.

pintrest will have something.