To not visit MIL for 60th bday?

[amandanorgaard]

So for context, DPs parents live in Ireland, a short flight away from us in England. DP and I have been together 8 years and lived in both countries, for the last 3 years we've bought a house in England and have an 11mo DD. We normally visit 2-3 times a year and vice versa. Since having the baby it's obviously a bit more of an effort to go over but we've visited twice and they've come over several times to see her. We have a good relationship and I'm very grateful for that.

Our next planned visit is in January. In December it is MILs 60th. They are having a surprise party for his mum and DP has booked to go over. I have one day of annual leave left (my emergency childcare day) which I could take to go over too with the baby, but I feel like it's a lot so close to Christmas when we're all going in Jan, plus the expense of the extra flights, luggage and dog boarding when we are only just about getting by financially (literally month to month, no luxuries or savings).

AIBU not to make the effort? I will of course send a thoughtful gift from me and DD, probably handmade e.g crocheted throw blanket. I feel awful but honestly we can't afford it and it's a surprise anyway, I'm hoping she'll be pleased to see DP and look forward to seeing us all a couple of weeks later? She's a very laid back type of person but does love spending time with her family.

Any ideas for thoughtful gifts from DD much appreciated!

Just go. Your presence is the gift

To be honest, yes most probably 😂 she doesn't do very well out of routine. I'll also most likely be driving, either going home early or staying late with a cranky overtired baby to take others home!

But what would MIL prefer? Seeing her grandchild in passing over a busy party night? Or having her grandchild for a calm weekend when all the celebrations are over.
If it's one weekend or the other will she be more disappointed to see the baby briefly in the crowd and then the planned visit be cancelled?

Your plan sounds perfect OP.

She's free to have a great time at her surprise party.
She'll receive a lovely gift from you and get to see her son.

A few weeks later you'll all spend some quality time together and she can be in Granny mode.

Imagine having a surprise party and your grandchild not being there. I’d be so disappointed if that was me.

As someone quite a bit past my 60th whose wider family didn't actually bother (close family did) I'd be quite happy to see you all so soon after so don't worry about the dates. I had lots of different things going on so I wouldn't have been able to spend enough time with you

If you know she'd like the blanket then go ahead but definitely something 'personal' from the baby too.

And facetime on the day

Do you have an iPad or something that you could use to FaceTime or Zoom? I’m guessing that maybe the party will start once your DC is in bed for the night, could maybe have a virtual presence for her arrival, get a little glass of wine and say your happy birthday and can’t wait to see you in January for our own little celebration sort of thing?

I thin on you're being reasonable. I think a lovely personalised gift would be nice 😊

It’s fine.

Not the blanket though, she isn’t 96

I mean, I’m guessing her surprise party is more about grown ups and booze and music and nice food. So not really the place for a one year old.

At least I hope it is, or it will be a very disappointing surprise party..

How mother-in-law is 59 at the moment. Let's hope her life isn't really too short.

Fine not to go to the party - it's her son she'll really want to see..
But hold on to that crochet blanket until she's 90! I can't think of anything I'd have found more depressing at 60. It's akin to a deposit on a hip replacement.
I wouldn't want a mug either, with or without handprints. Believe me, by 60 you have acquired so many mugs, you're hoping to break some.
When you reach that advanced age and find that you're not decrepit and have more energy than you've had for years, you'll want whatever you wanted when you were 30 and couldn't afford it. Whether that's a good bottle of wine - or what my friend treated herself to at 70, a sports car. Endless amusement seeing the faces of envious young men as granny zooms past! Not saying you can run to a sports car - just that your barely-owning-up-to-middle-age mother-in-law does not have one foot in the grave quite yet.

I think it's fine so long as DH is going. You can always call DH the next day and have a chat with her, get the baby to gabble down the phone at her etc.

So, the son overlooked his mother's birthday, but his wife is the thoughtless one, and needs to sort it out?
By cancelling her holiday, in favour of dragging a cranky baby to a party, while she sits around sober, waiting to drive a load of drinkers home?

Aw, I think it will be fine if you make a fuss of her on her actual birthday, video call etc. Make a point of saying that she can have a second celebration with you all in January etc.

She'll be overwhelmed I'm sure with a surprise party and her son flying home to be with her etc.

Lucky lady 🙂

If you do decide to go, you will have to check out the rules for the place the party will be. We're quite strict about children in pubs at night. There are allowances for hired rooms and even then it's not late. You may find yourself leaving as soon as getting there.

If it were me I'd leave it until January, your mil will have her son there and other family members. In January it'll be something to look forward to for everyone and won't be as chaotic as a party. What I'd do is print up something for something nice, like a lunch out, or whatever she'd like, put the January dates on it, your DH can give it to her when he sees her, you can always ring, message, facetime the day after the birthday so as not to let it slip about the party.

Everyone will be able to relax properly, your DH can meet with his friends, catch up with family and not be worrying or feeling guilty re you and the baby and if you both are ok, you won't be worrying about the baby and feeding and getting them to sleep, if the baby will sleep, feeling tired, worrying about dropping people off. You can have a nice relaxing time at home.

I think the blanket sounds lovely, and there's no age requirement on that! But it's a special birthday, so I'd go, definitely - take it in person.

There seems to be trend at the moment for sweaters/hoodies with “mum” “grandma” etc appliquéd on, with the fabric for the lettering coming from baby clothes.

Could you do something like that but frame it instead?

I'm in Ireland

Flights to/from the UK are buttons particularly if you are prepared to fly at a less convenient time.
Ditch the gift and be there in person.

I think your plan of sticking to the original visit in January is ideal.

Let your DP go and party it up for a weekend with his mum and see his friends. I think she’ll enjoy special time with you and the baby when things are more calm and there’s more time to relax with the LO. I was just at a celebration in Ireland and it was non stop pubbing and partying, and if you can’t be out enjoying the festivities with the baby, it’ll be no fun for you.

And an idea for a gift is a digital picture frame where you can email the photos whenever you have new ones, so granny can see baby as she grows. Not sure if they cost an arm and a leg though!

Your DP absolutely needs to be there, if the whole family can't make it.

Let's not forget how special birthdays should still be even at an older age.

It sounds fine to me. She will have plenty of family and friends to celebrate with, and your DP will be there.

There is a lot of dramatic nonsense on here about you missing her "big birthday". On my 60th birthday I went out for dinner with my DF, as usual on a birthday, while my DM, who had slight dementia, actually completely forgot my birthday as she didn't see me on the day (I was working). That was it. Somehow I survived without having a breakdown!!

Your mil will get more quality time with your child in January rather than when she has a big party going on and is busy seeing other people aswell so I think it’s fine for your husband to go alone for the birthday and you and your child go in Jan.

A surprise party can be quite overwhelming and she wouldn't get much time with you or the baby. It weill all be a bit of an amazing blur. Good idea to send DP on his own then have relaxed time together in January.
Also separate issue, it is time for DP to upskill and get more competent and confident with his own child.

I think not turning up and then sending a handmade crocheted blanket ‘from you and DD’ would be pretty crass, especially if your husband is then going to be spending time and money out drinking with his friends during what sounds like an already very short visit. If you’re not going he should be taking a classy (almost certainly not homemade) gift from all of you, and potentially a little extra handmade thing ‘from DD’ if your MIL would genuinely like that.