To expect him to say sorry? Even for the little things?

[AllllTheQuestions]

I’ll start off by saying that I adore my husband. We have a good life and so I’m being petty but this is a pet hate of mine..

He never says sorry. For example:

Forgot to take key out the door locking me out, “whoops!”

Ordered me the wrong meal (notice when I get home)” “oh, I ordered double Mac not bacon burger”

Accidentally left the front door open when clearing out the car which let out all the heat and meant the dog went out “I thought the door had closed”.

I know it’s petty, but why can’t he just say sorry? I find it disrespectful that he doesn’t give a shit and can’t just say sorry.

When I tell him he’s not apologised he just says what for, when i explain “sorry” and shrugs his shoulders like I’m being mental.

YABU - let it go. Why does it matter?

YANBU- it’s rude to not apologise

doesn’t look “great” to me

far from it in fact

Has he never done anything that truly warrants an apology by any measure?

1. How long were you locked out for? That us just a whoops unless it was 2am in a rainstorm for hours.
2. Is a meh
3. An accident like you say.

Why do you link them to 'respect'?

My DP will not say sorry and neither will my teenage DS.

I don't know why, it's just that word. It's almost like it costs money to say it. They'll apologise in other ways, but not with that word.

My DS will only say sorry if I say sorry too, even when I have absolutely nothing to apologise for.

I do my best but here we are.

I think it stems from how you were brought up. We were made to apologise - DM would never have backed down on that. DB and I have no problem apologising.

Different matter with DH. As a result, I don’t apologise to him any more. Bit petty, but I’m making a point.

@Paltrypam yes, so if he’d accidentally tripped me up or something like that he’d say sorry!

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose only 5 minutes and i have to admit I was livid as I was cold 🤣 we laugh about it now!

I don’t know why I find it disrespectful, maybe as I feel like my feelings don’t matter?

ha ha @ the McDonald mistake being MEH- I really wanted that bacon!!!

@Maray1967 yes I think you’re right. I was definitely expected to make a show of saying sorry growing up. I now say sorry at least 5 times if I’ve messed up!

I will defo be trying to not be so generous with my sorrys. I don’t think he will care mind as he isn’t really bothered by things like that!

I wouldnt expect anyone to apologise for letting heat out of their own house. I'd NEVER apologise to someone for that. It's my house, my mistake, absolutely nothing to do with respect. So for that one you are being really petty.

Every single one on your list warrants an apology

also - the examples reveal him to be bloody thoughtless

But if a loved one for cold as a result?

@AnaisMae even if that resulted in your partner coming downstairs to be being cold (and windy!) in the house and then having to get the dog back in/ on the lead?

Just seemed inconsiderate!

I’d say they all warrant a sorry. But sorry is an important word to me. It would show he acknowledges your feelings, that he felt regret at those things. So in a sense without saying it it shows he doesn’t regret those things and doesn’t feel sad he made you feel or treated you a certain way.

Do you children together?

@Orchidbloom79 that really put in to words how I feel, thanks.

You were locked out. Presumably extremely inconvenient

You we’re looking forward to your meal but he hasn’t bothered to listen to your order and got you something different

He didn’t care that you came downstairs cold

I think a lot of this comes down to how you were raised, and how you view the word sorry. I would absolutely apologise for locking my husband out, but he wouldn’t want me to. In fact he’d see it as unnecessary and views my tendency to ‘over apologise’ as one of my more frustrating qualities.

@Paltrypam exactly. But some ways he is the kindest and considerate person ever! He buys me considered gifts, generous with his money, will collect me from anywhere at any time and never moan, tidied up the house if I’m having friends over, notices out out of my favourite juice and will pop to the shop to get me a top up.

but can’t say sorry?m for the little things?!

The problem you'd have now though if he did start saying sorry for even little things is that it might sound insincere as he's not used to saying it iyswim. Though I agree with you about feeling like he doesn't regret mistakes and it upsetting you

I would also be hurt by a lack of sorrys. But given that he is clearly respectful, thoughtful and caring in other ways I think I’d let it be one of those things you learn to live with! Maybe he feels defensive about being expected to say sorry, in which case it feels like you could both just end up unhappy if you focus too much on it?

Do you have children together?

Have you ever raised this with him? If so, his response?

@Paltrypam i am choosing not to answer that question as it’s not part of my question 🙂

@Oxfrog yes I think you’re right.

My guess is they both see saying sorry as a loss of status. And status is very important to them and at the same time maybe a bit tenuous so they cling to stuff like not saying sorry hoping that will keep them in what they hope is "top dog" status.

Or I could just be making up stuff here :)

Apologies I didn't catch the part where the dog got out, yeah I'd say sorry for that.

Sorry I see from another thread you do

A huge part of parenting is being able to apologise to your child when you have perhaps over reacted to something

also your child will see how he never apologises to his mother for thoughtlessness