To expect him to say sorry? Even for the little things?

[AllllTheQuestions]

I’ll start off by saying that I adore my husband. We have a good life and so I’m being petty but this is a pet hate of mine..

He never says sorry. For example:

Forgot to take key out the door locking me out, “whoops!”

Ordered me the wrong meal (notice when I get home)” “oh, I ordered double Mac not bacon burger”

Accidentally left the front door open when clearing out the car which let out all the heat and meant the dog went out “I thought the door had closed”.

I know it’s petty, but why can’t he just say sorry? I find it disrespectful that he doesn’t give a shit and can’t just say sorry.

When I tell him he’s not apologised he just says what for, when i explain “sorry” and shrugs his shoulders like I’m being mental.

YABU - let it go. Why does it matter?

YANBU- it’s rude to not apologise

I bet he’d get cross with a teenager if they had locked him out or left the door open and made the house cold

These threads really surprise me because the one thing my wife and mother had in common, and boy did they not get on, was neither ever said sorry for anything.

Until I became a MN fan, I had wrongly assumed it was a woman thing, now I realise it is a people thing. Sorryfor my previous prejudice.

Wait until you are old. My friend ( mid seventies) was caught by her daughter apologising to the dish washer when she accidentally knocked it.
I find myself starting a lot of sentences with 'sorry' these days. Saying sorry all the time can be counter productive

No girlfriends before your wife?
no female colleagues?
no friends that are girls?

My DP is the exact same (and my eldest DC has followed suit). I agree with PPs who have said it’s about how you were brought up. They’ll apologise in their own way, but that only really works when it’s something big. How do you “apologise in your own way” for leaving the key in the front door? You can’t. It’s infuriating!

Sorry, I don't understand your point.

Is this it? I think you need to get over yourself...🙄

Seriously

you thought women never apologised because your wife and mother didn’t

presumably you have no other relationships or interaction with women. Ever

Wrong thread?

@Zebedee55 🤣🤣 did my thread title give the impression this thread would be something much bigger?!

@Summonedbybees you should see how much I grovel to the dog when I’m late home to give him his dinner or nearly step on his paw!!!

@DrinkingMyWaterMindingMyBiz infuriating indeed!!! I might turn the tap on when he’s next in the shower, it won’t be me my apology by I’ll feel better (jokes, kinda)

I went to an all boys school, worked in a predominantly male environment and married the first girl/woman who would have me.
In my limited experience men were expected to apologise more than women, but it was a very odd world I lived in and I am fairly pleased that it is almost as extinct as the dinosaurs.

@Happypotatoman thanks for your perspective x

Saying sorry excessively isn't normal, I'd rather my DH never say sorry than feel he has to over apologise.

Why don't you ask for an apology? He seems to explain these accidents/mistakes openly, so say "I understand, but please be more careful and apologise when things do happen" a simple fix!

@botheredand oh I definitely apologise too much. He just doesn’t apologise enough. We need to meet in the middle!

I do ask him to apologise, he seems bewildered that I want an apology for getting me the wrong McDonald’s, but I’ve seen some better ways of expressing that to him through this thread so I’ll try them next time!

I think it's a vulnerability thing. A defence mechanism. By saying sorry you open yourself up to feelings of guilt and shame, which is hard to deal with if you have low self-worth or feelings of inadequacy. Does he try to make it up to you in other ways? Either by doing things or being extra nice?

Right on.

@BlueEyedPeanut he’s generally quite thoughtful anyway. I’ve not noticed him up it/ trying harder after he’s got something wrong/ accidentally done something.

You could be on to something with the vulnerability/ defence mechanism thing.

Have you asked him?

I have similar with DH. I think it's that if it's a mistake, he doesn't think he needs to apologise because apologies are accepting responsibility and he doesn't think that he needs to accept responsibility for mistakes, especially relatively minor ones

That's a bit of a circular argument and drives me absolutely crazy.

For me, the "sorry" is about acknowledging that whatever it is he has done has impacted me negatively.

Yes, he just shrugs his shoulders and says “sorry”. He doesn’t ever actually answer it.

I had an ex who used to apologise for everything, used to do my head in.
My mother never used to apologise for anything. But she was a controlling, emotionally absent woman.
I say sorry when I'm wrong and my kids do too.
Sometimes people say sorry, just because. Like when you nearly walk into each other around a blind corner. My answer is always not your fault.
The trouble is, the more you mention it the more meaningless it becomes and then you start to question whether they actually mean it or are they just paying lip service.
And don't even get me started on ' I'm sorry but...'

Yes, same here!

Saying sorry is admitting you are wrong and showing respect to the person affected. It takes a humble, respectful and decent person. It’s also just basic manners!!
Those that don’t apologise when they should are unable to admit they are wrong and are disrespectful-usually have too much pride bordering on arrogance. Really annoys me and I can’t help but think less of someone if they’re clearly in the wrong, they know it but can’t bring themselves to just apologise.
Generally (and it is a generalisation) in society women have been encouraged to be “nice” and over-apologise for everything, men not so much (at all). I do think wev all as a society lost some basic decency the past few years seems to be since covid people have become selfish and entitled and think they are above apologising.

I’m not sure all of those examples are sorry worthy. Definitely worth acknowledging his error but not necessarily accompanied by an apology.

I say that because if you apologise at every little thing, then it minimises the impact of an apology, and can become quite insincere. It becomes a word just casually thrown around rather than one said with any real intention.

Just say "an apology would be appreciated", each and every time he ducks up and doesn't apologise. With a glare as well if it's not immediately forthcoming.

He's not used to doing it so doesn't think to do it, and a prompt will hopefully help get him into the habit.