To expect him to say sorry? Even for the little things?

[AllllTheQuestions]

I’ll start off by saying that I adore my husband. We have a good life and so I’m being petty but this is a pet hate of mine..

He never says sorry. For example:

Forgot to take key out the door locking me out, “whoops!”

Ordered me the wrong meal (notice when I get home)” “oh, I ordered double Mac not bacon burger”

Accidentally left the front door open when clearing out the car which let out all the heat and meant the dog went out “I thought the door had closed”.

I know it’s petty, but why can’t he just say sorry? I find it disrespectful that he doesn’t give a shit and can’t just say sorry.

When I tell him he’s not apologised he just says what for, when i explain “sorry” and shrugs his shoulders like I’m being mental.

YABU - let it go. Why does it matter?

YANBU- it’s rude to not apologise

This. Small word, big meaning. Usually reflective of a persons pride or humility.

Read @Mamma2017 post. Women are definitely socialised to apologise more. There’s actually been various studies carried out which back this assertion up. https://amp.scmp.com/yp/discover/news/article/3081862/studies-show-women-say-sorry-more-men-why

Saying sorry is an admission you were wrong. Some people mentally cannot handle the idea that they are wrong about anything.

My husband will also never ever say the worse sorry. Drives me mad but realistically he's not had anything serious to say sorry for.

My ex would never ever say sorry. Not for anything. It just wasn't part of his makeup although we were very happy for very many years. It was a huge bug bear of mine. If he forgot something I'd asked for, not doing something.. can't even think of examples now.. it would just be ' I was tired I've had a hard day' or 'you didn't write it down' or 'I just forgot I've got a lot going on at the moment' Every single time. For years. I hated it.

It sounds like he might have a bit of 'an attitude'. (I had this with my last partner.)

What's the rest of your relationship like? Are there other problems?

If you have to ask for an apology then it’s not genuine. If he says sorry then keeps doing the thing he’s apologising for, then he’s not sorry.

Sorry is just a word and is pretty meaningless if it doesn't come naturally.

I would rather he changed his behaviour and didn't lock me out or let the dog out in the first place, tbh.

People like this see the word 'sorry' as weakness. I know as women we're socialised to apologise too much, but it also waters down the meaning compared to those who see it as this massive loaded word.

I'll say sorry more than most, used correctly it can be disarming and smooth relationships - even when I'm not profusely apologetic *

*That sounds way more manipulative than I intended but I haven't had my first coffee yet. What I kind of mean is, acknowledging the impact of his actions on YOU and apologising is such a small thing, but makes a big difference to how YOU feel. And all he can think about is how big an effect saying a simple word has on HIM.

DH doesn’t either and it really winds me up. 9 times out of 10, he even comes up with a reason for it to have been my fault.

I am sorry = a feeling

I apologise - is expressing regret and taking responsibility

The apology that really annoys me is,

I am sorry you are upset

The problem here is not me and my bad behaviour.
not even that you are upset about it,
but the problem is in fact that you are making a fuss about it - when you should just “suck it up” and let me continue to behave in a way that suits me!

Also often the reason there is failure to take responsibility when something happens due to “an accident” actually caused by a careless act is because the “Perp” only thinks that they should be responsible if they deliberately tried to hurt you.

Not “I am sorry” but “I didn’t mean it”
Making the issue that you are wrongly accusing them of bad Intentions!

A real apology goes like this

“What I did was wrong
I feel sorry
And I won’t do it again!”

Mmmm!

@BlueEyedPeanut that’s a really interesting point about the vulnerability.

My partner also struggles to say sorry. I think its a struggle to admit he was wrong or made a mistake. His dad is even worse though. I don't think he's ever said sorry in a genuine unprompted way. We've had to call him out on things that have genuinely upset us, and then he'll do this song and dance about saying sorry and it feels like he's then just mocking us.

So I know where my partner gets it from!

I don’t think my father has ever apologised either. About the closest he ever gets is a dismayed grunt. That’s probably why I fell head over heels in love with a man who could.

Yes. Well put. “I’m sorry you’re upset” is a declaration of war.

Blaming others for mistakes is so annoying and so common that, although it sounds like a really low bar, I think I’d put up with someone who didn’t apologise just as long as he didn’t blame me.

Slightly different and I don’t mean to infantilise your DH here but I am currently going through something similar with DS10 which may explain it. Basically intent vs impact; it doesn’t matter if what you did was an accident, a mistake, or you didn’t mean to do it, and it doesn’t matter if you said something but didn’t mean it to be offensive, if your actions or words cause hurt or upset (regardless of your intent) then you really should say sorry. He had got into a cycle of “but I didn’t mean to do it!” and believing that my request for an apology was suggesting that he had done x, y, or z on purpose. Perhaps this is similar with your DH? He views these things as genuine accidents, he didn’t do them on purpose, so doesn’t feel you are owed an apology?

Sending you sympathy though, it’s hard enough dealing with it when it’s your child, let alone your partner!

Saying sorry acknowledges a fault and says you care that it had a negative affect on some else. He seems to be acknowledging fault but not actually showing that he cares that he inconvenienced you, which would annoy me too.

I know a few men who refuse to apologise as they 'see it as a sign of weakness'

Give him a taste of his own medicine.

I went to a friends wedding many years ago (30+) and still remember the vicar's speech.

He talked about the 3 most important words in a marriage.... he all assumed the obvious... but then he surprised us with. "I am sorry"

Your DH obviously wasn't in the congregation that day.

@AllllTheQuestions sorry is an absolutely over rated word and is usually said because it's expected or out of politeness. Of course he wouldn't want to lock you out or get you the wrong food, do you really need to hear a sorry to know that? If he ever does anything really bad and does say sorry at least you'll know he really means it. Let it go, life's too short!

My ex-husband couldn’t apologize. The reason was that an apology for him growing up didn’t mean “I’m sorry that my actions have led to an undesirable outcome” it meant accepting that he was generally incompetent; a fool and someone deserving of contempt. There was very high levels of shame associated with it. He tried to bring that into our marriage- just another way that he ended up destroying it.

So that brings us to you and the dynamic of what an apology means in your relationship. When I read your OP I am getting very strong vibes that apologies could be weaponised- e.g. they have to be given multiple times before being accepted; they infraction is brought up again to prove a point; there is an undertone that he should grovel a bit and know he’s a bit shit. Maybe he has unwittingly repeated that dynamic.
I certainly reached the point in my relationship where I was unwilling to offer any apology because that act, which can be used to draw a couple together, was used as a stick to beat me.

Does he know that you can receive an apology with good Grace are you a begrudger?

I totally agree it’s the way you were brought up. I will say sorry for anything and everything- DD is the same.

Having said that, if your DP tells you that something you do is bothering them, it’s up to you to change it. Especially ordering the wrong food for you, how can he not apologise for that?!

Would he apologise for bigger things? Like if he banged into you by mistake?

Mines the same he will NOT apologise no matter what. He’ll bring flowers or something similar but never the actual words sorry 🤦‍♀️