To ask what your childhood was like if you grew up to be emotionally healthy?

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I grew up to be a total mess emotionally. I have a son and I am a single parent, he’s 2. I worry that I don’t have the tools to ensure he grows up emotionally regulated and content. Even now, I am all over the place emotionally which I try to hide from my son. I’m not as bad as I was and I have therapy but I know I’m not normal. I’m anxious, extreme in my emotions, despise feeling vulnerable etc. Please help me not put my son through the same stuff?

Stability, consistency and my parents were not my friends.

However I would suggest it is chance as well. My sister is not a emotionally stable and had the same home life. We have lots of mental health issues in our family I am just fortunate not to have inherited them.

This book and and podcasts by the author may help with more practical advice.

The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) by Philippa Perry

Loving, endlessly loving, stable, organised, my family were my safe space, my safety net

My parents were not “cool” and not my “friends” and had no qualms with discipline and rules

I'm the youngest of 3. My parents trusted us, and gave us a lot of independence- whilst obviously being in the background if we needed them. They weren't overbearing. We talked about things. I don't remember ever being punished but we were pretty straightforward kids who were bright, pretty mature, liked school and wanted to succeed.

Loving, firm but fair. Like I now am to ds's. But I am more robust generally than both my older brothers. Thus I'm a believer in rather than 'nature vs nurture', it's clearly both.

I didn't grow up in an emotionally stable house mainly due to my mum, who didn't really want children and had to give up her career that she loved for us (it was different back then!).
What I notice in close friends homes (where I spent a lot of time growing up) was kindness, they were listened to, clear rules but not draconian and stable.
But the main thing I see is when the parents recognise the needs of the child they have rather than the child they want. They're also not endlessly compared to siblings 'DS is the academic one but DD is more into sport' or similar. It makes that child feel like the thing they're 'not' isn't for them at all which isn't healthy or helpful.

Strict, distant and cared more about what other people thought than what really matters. My mother fell out with family all the time. I remember not being a house that laughed and had fun and where support and love was lacking.

Consistency, consistency and more consistency
loving but not smothered
encouraged to try things told I was capable but never pushed
as others have said parents weren’t friends, they were there to guide but expected respect but they were fair

Confident parenting, always interested in us. My mum is a bit of a genius with small children. She is good at heading off problems before they start, because she pays attention; she can see a child losing interest or getting tired or overexcited, and steps in to change focus or get the child to take a break etc.

Can you say something positive that happens today between you? Did your son wake up in a good mood, did he eat breakfast? Tbh are you with him right now or (sorry) on your phone...?

Sorry but this question can't help you. You have to do tailored individual work on yourself.

People who self-declare as 'normal' or 'healthy' will include people who are anything but. Respondents will potentially skew towards the repressed, which is unhealthy in a different way.

You are also looking back a generation, in effect fighting the last war.

What you need is to understand how YOU progress to provide the right environment for your child in the current times.

Keep up with the counseling and read as much about positive parenting in the 21st century as possible. Focus on the needs of your son.

Also, anxiety doesn't define you. A parent with anxiety who focuses on their child can be a better parent than a parent with no MH issues who focuses on work, status, money, themselves. What matters is what you do each day.

Discipline and a united front. I couldn’t play one off against the other.
Lots of love and interest, but never the feeling that I was their whole universe, so I didn’t grow up thinking the world revolves around me. I knew I was loved and important, but also that there were other people and things going on that were important to them.
Good values when it came to work. I was expected to get a full time job when I left education.

Dad passed away when I was 5 so brought up by mum who never remarried. We moved in with grandparents, so had family unit. Mum worked PT but don’t think I ever knew that as she was always there to take me to school and pick me up. Mum massively championed me, always had my back and believed me regardless of anything. Smacked me when I was naughty - I knew there were boundaries that I must not cross. Encouraged me academically and told me I was amazing, but didn’t mind/reassured me if I wasn’t good at something. Gave me every opportunity she could even when she must’ve struggled financially. Never felt I missed out by not having a dad or siblings like all my friends did (80s baby)

Spot on

Find a man.

I think primarily we always knew we were loved. Unlike some PPs my parents were ‘cool’ as in quite laid back and I did consider them friends (and still do). There weren’t many rules however we did know where the lines were and not to cross them. I think that is key. There was mutual respect and we felt listened to and understood. Don’t feel like things have to be perfect all the time. I think my mum struggled a bit with emotional regulation herself (due to her own childhood). There were definitely arguments when we were teens but we’re all still very close now and have very positive relationships. Maybe because arguments were always resolved by apologies (both sides) and understanding and hugs. Meditation can really help to emotionally regulate.

The fact you are even asking OP

is a very very promising sign

I love that quote, focus on the needs of the child you have not the child you want.
As pp have said you won’t necessarily get useful information from this thread, but it’s a good starting point and the fact you’re thinking about family dynamics and questioning whether you’re equipped is fantastic. You’ll get there!

My parents are kind, hugely dependable, honest, calm, funny.

They were also fairly strict. They had very clear values and this imprinted on me. On the whole this has been helpful.

I went to a small private school & had a very happy, secure group of friends.

I am emotionally stable, very happy. But actually in my teens/20s I was generally attracted to needy men who needed "fixing". My parents didn't have any tools/the kind of relationship with me to help me with that. So I think my life could have been different.

I try & be more open and honest with my kids, and more interested in their lives at that level. But I am not as kind as my parents are by a long way. They also just gave up a lot of their lives for us. Still do and I'm in my 40s.

My brother tho has likely undiagnosed autism & he has chronic anxiety and struggles in life. So agree really with nature vs nurture.

Good luck OP, you obviously love your son very much.

I grew up around alcoholism and abuse. But I’m ok! I’m a big believer that there is no ‘normal’ and having emotions is fine. Even anger. It’s what we do with those emotions that counts. No emotion is inherently good or bad, though some are definitely more uncomfortable than others. I’ve taught my kids that all emotions are welcome (but we never lash out in anger at other people.)

you can be a brilliant mum, I promise. You already are. Therapy is great. It’s brilliant that you’ve recognised you need it and you’re doing it. Plenty of people don’t.

We’re all human, trying to live in a world that often tries to dull down our humanness. Try to be as kind to yourself as you would be to your child. You can do this.

I didn't grow up in an emotionally stable home. I was never sure where I stood, never listened to , never felt cared about or valued, never hugged , never felt important and really I was never loved.
I think children need love , consistency, to be valued and heard , boundaries and fun. There was no fun in my house only fear and I think that's the most important of all. I don't want my children to fear me.

I would advise you not to move in a man during his childhood and never in a month of Sundays blend families

just focus on him. And yourself

Both parents, both lots of GP, lots of time and encouragement given.
My DM once said 'it's not a bad thing for your child to be just a little bit scared of their parent'. Maybe that's true?

Stable family and parents who imposed boundaries/weren't afraid to tell us off. They would have been considered reasonably strict by others and it paid off - my siblings are all happy and doing well and we get along.

Parents who supported each other, backed each other up and worked as a team. A family ethic that prized hard work and being proud of your achievements. Everyone expected to help with chores.

Zero tolerance for squabbles between siblings. Not being bought whatever we wanted - no games consoles etc at all.

What does “emotionally healthy” actually mean?

What determines whether we are or we aren’t?

Loved, secure, encouraged. Enough money to meet every need but not enough to meet every want. Dad was a gentleman and a feminist.