To ask what your childhood was like if you grew up to be emotionally healthy?

[Uu1]

I grew up to be a total mess emotionally. I have a son and I am a single parent, he’s 2. I worry that I don’t have the tools to ensure he grows up emotionally regulated and content. Even now, I am all over the place emotionally which I try to hide from my son. I’m not as bad as I was and I have therapy but I know I’m not normal. I’m anxious, extreme in my emotions, despise feeling vulnerable etc. Please help me not put my son through the same stuff?

What you're doing right now - admitting your vulnerability and limitations, trying your best, seeking out help, trying to learn - is all good.

I consider myself mentally and emotionally healthy.
I was raised by a single mom who had 4 part time jobs to keep a roof over mine and my DB head (I remember I often had to go to work with her, sometimes in my PJs as she had no childcare and one of her jobs was working nights as an operator in a taxi rank), I really think this has helped to shape my strong work ethic today. My F was very domestically violent with my DM and I do have memories of this unfortunately, she eventually got him out when I was around 4.
Although my DM suffers with depression from time to time, I've only come to learn this later on in life. I can't remember seeing her sad or emotional when I was young so she must have hid this very well from me.

Everyone is different OP, everyone deals with things differently, but try not to stress about your LO. Just love him and focus on making happy memories everyday, don't let him see you sad, but make sure you have support from someone, somewhere xx
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How lovely. I'd love to meet a man like this, let alone have one for a dad. What you describe sounds like an ideal upbringing.

I had a wonderful childhood. My Dad went out to work and Mum stayed home and made a career of being a housewife and Mother. She used to be up by 6 O'Clock every morning and in the winter used to hang my sister and my school uniform on the fire guard to make it warm to put on. She always cooked us scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast. My Gran kept hens so Mum got free eggs. We lived near primary school about 400 metres away so came home to a cooked lunch every day. Meals like Shepherd pie and 2 vegetables Dad had often grown in the garden, fresh fish with a homemade batter mashed potatoes and peas, beef stew with dumplings, homemade quiche and vegetables etc. and often a rhubarb crumble or apple pie and custard for dessert. In the evening, which we called tea we often had fresh home made soup or a sandwich and home made cake. Mum baked 3 times a week. Cakes and scones twice and pastry once a week. Mum made the best pastry I ever tasted. She'd make Quiche, pasties, sausage rolls and cheese straws. My Mum baked for my Aunty too because she went out to work from 6 am until 2pm every weekday. We had roast dinner every Sunday. Mum always baked cakes on Friday afternoons and my sister and I both took friends home who were given cakes too and often some to take home as well. In the summer holidays my sister and I were allowed to bring all our friends over and our house was the one we all hung out in. We'd be given a season pass for the swimming pool by my Aunty and we'd go most days for a couple of hours. We had roller skates, pogo sticks and played out in the street french skipping, juggling 2 or 3 balls, or we played tennis and badminton across the road as not many cars were around in those days. Every summer we went on a week's holiday to Cornwall. We lived in Devon and also went on the train for day trips to the seaside. We didn't own a car so we all walked everywhere. None of our friends had cars either so they walked to. In the evening we played Drafts or Cludo or Monopoly. We watched children's hours on TV. My Aunty lived very close to us and she didn't have a DC of her own. Basically she was like a second mother to me and my sister. My parents were not well off but my Aunty always paid for our comics on Saturdays and took us to Saturday morning cinema. She took us to the circus and fair and pantomimes. Looking back I guess Mum and Dad just couldn't afford to go. Mum and Dad took us on long walks and we'd pick blackberries or wild flowers. They took us to the park every few days as not far from where we lived and once or twice a year to the museum. Basically things that were free. My Dad played football with us and took me to the cricket and Mum read stories to us. We went to Brownies and 1 club each. I went to the swimming club and my sister did gymnastics. We didn't get much new clothes and Mum knitted our cardigans and jumpers. My Aunty used to buy ilus new summer sandals each year and sometimes a winter coat too. My sister and I spent hours in her house every week. When I was about 11 and my younger sister was 7 my Aunty got a car and used to drive us to places some weekends. I always felt loved and accepted. Both my parents and Aunty encouraged us to work hard and dream big. My Aunty gave both me and my sister money when we passed our A levels and more when we went to University. In those days we also got a full grant too. I know my Aunty made a huge contribution to my childhood and I know without her and her generosity I would have had a lot less, both materially but also in terms of enrichment.

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this is what is missing in the hole inside of me that I spent years filling with booze, dysfunctional relationships, drugs, hoping those things would make me feel better

I would consider myself to very emotionally stable, and it’s often commented on when people find out about my childhood.

Born to young parents who barely knew each other. They were together for a few years then split up so there was me, my younger sister and my mother. She had a lot of mental health issues and she was not a mum in any way that mattered. Finally went into full time care at 7. Lived with grandparents for a few years then separated from my sister and placed in various foster houses and then a children’s home at 14. It was not like Tracey Beaker. My childhood was chaotic and very little love or support. No role models.

as soon as became an adult I took on responsibility for my own life, got a job, worked hard, made lots of friends, had romantic relationships (some more successful than others but that’s true of most people). I was strong and independent and didn’t look back.

I had some concerns when I became a mum myself that I wouldn’t find my way but I did. And I love being a wife and mother and have a very lovely life full of love and laughter and everything else that matters.

A perfect childhood (if it exists) does not guarantee a good life and the opposite isn’t true either.

@Aydahayda, I'm so sorry your parents did not give you what I got and what all DC deserve. I agree a happy childhood gives a DC a solid foundation upon which to build emotional stability.

Responsible, kind parents who put us first. They were far from perfect but they got the important things right.

I'm not sure what emotionally healthy means in real terms. I've had periods of poor mental health (usually triggered by external events), but I wouldn't say I am in poor emotional health. I know how to treat it, I know what behaviours can be triggering, and when I compare myself to others I am aware that I am in a good position. My parents were firm, fair, not massively approachable about 'taboo' subjects, very academically motivated. Both my siblings are similar to me - periods of poor mental health but with a handle on it - I suspect they might be non neurotypical but not ever diagnosed, which might explain the mental health. That said, high achieving girls in the 80s and 90s were generally ignored...

Human children spend about 18 years of their life living with parents. They have very little independence (depending on age, obvs). They have no where else to go, no options but to stay in the family home (usually).

Children are so vulnerable. There's no such thing as perfect parenting, but even in the best of families, one thing will happen that will cause a degree of damage on the child. It's almost inevitable.

Don't be too hard on yourself, OP. Take all the support you can get, and be open with your kid from the start, telling him you're trying to do better and your extreme emotions/ anxieties are never his fault (kids do tend to blame themselves).

Consistency and knowing what was expected: lying was a massive no-no, answering back also, needing to wait until one person has finished speaking. We were loved but we were children and they were the adults.
Definitely not spoiled. Only ever bought modest gifts and only on birthday and Christmas...but many many bike rides,walks, trips to relatives , seaside, visits to free attractions and maybe we got an ice-cream sometimes.

My mum still says she feels guilty they had so little money when we were young..I'm glad of it.

@Martin83 I find plenty, they’re all pretty dire! 😂

Thanks for the replies. I like to think I do provide consistency and I definitely accept and love the child I have rather than one I expect or want… he is who I want and I don’t intend to encourage him to be anything he isn’t. I just hope my own emotional instability does affect him as I can feel very uneasy and stressed a lot of the time, though I’m told people don’t notice this on the outside.

70s /80s upbringing. Mum and Dad happy together. I’m youngest of 3. Dad worked Mum was sahm . Loving but firm. Lived in a normal end of terrace around lots of other families and had access to fields and parks and we all played out together all the time.
DPs grew up in central London in early WW2 with very little money and running to the underground platforms for cover at night. Your life can be different. Try to get support for you xx

Caringcarer that sounds so utterly beautiful. Melted my heart.

Mine was lovely. Loving parents, both teachers, we had a very happy childhood. We didn't have a lot of money, but we had more than enough to live comfortable and buy everything we needed. We never went short of anything.

we went on a camping trip to France once, then a shared villa 2 years later in Spain which had a swimming pool, and my two elder brothers thought we'd died and gone to heaven. I went to brownies and then guides. We were out riding our bikes and playing on a death slide. My mum was a great cook and can make anything. In fact she's brilliant at everything and she used to make a lot of my clothes. Both parents had cars. Happy. Then went to uni. I was the last year that got a grant. By mn standards my normal loving childhood is rare, which is such a shame.

@caringcarer thank you. I’m glad you had parents that prioritised you, that you felt loved and have lovely memories of your upbringing

@caringcarer my DM was similar. She’d put out clothes on the radiator so I did this for my two too. Hot water bottles in our beds on cold nights. These little things don’t cost much but are so kind. She made some of our dresses and curtains too. I know my DM didn’t get this treatment as she was the eldest of 6 and was expected to help with the others.

I had issues as a child growing up in the 50s. Father had issues from WWII, we didn't have much money, lived in a rough inner city area where we fought an endless battle with cockroach infestations. By the time I was 7 I'd been to 3 schools and had 6 teachers. Had tragedies with a very tragic death of uncle when I was young plus death of father when I was 12 then an unhappy relationship with stepfather.

I think the thing that saved me was I knew I was loved, I knew whatever happened my family were there for me. I made some bad decisions, married the wrong man when I was too young was the main one but I survived it all and have a great family and I still feel loved.

I had a terrible and neglectful childhood on the whole.
After doing some deep work and ‘reparenting’ myself, I consider myself to be a healthy adult. It is possible op- good luck

Critical , cold, no support. But now I see it as a blessing in disguise as it made me independent and resilient. Sister who was indulged can't stand in her own two feet and can't form relationships as it has to be all her way .

What kind of advice is that? How will that help?