To ask what your childhood was like if you grew up to be emotionally healthy?

[Uu1]

I grew up to be a total mess emotionally. I have a son and I am a single parent, he’s 2. I worry that I don’t have the tools to ensure he grows up emotionally regulated and content. Even now, I am all over the place emotionally which I try to hide from my son. I’m not as bad as I was and I have therapy but I know I’m not normal. I’m anxious, extreme in my emotions, despise feeling vulnerable etc. Please help me not put my son through the same stuff?

I didn't grow up in a happy or loving household.

What I needed - stability. Stability in adults emotional responses to me and each other. I don't mean the same thing each interaction but knowing that I
They would always love and care for me regardless of what had happened. My mother was hugely volatile. The smallest 'indiscretion' would set off a violent chain of events that could last for days

My dad had addictions and my mum was emotionally aloof, not good with children and only had us I suspect as it was expected. I still see both parents but I don't really like them and they are poor grandparents as are not good with children, and my children don't like visiting them. I didn't really feel loved and was very insecure, as my dad's addiction caused huge issues and changes to our lives. My childhood was about them and their problems, and I was not protected from what was going on. We were financially poor too, so had few toys, didn't go on holidays and days out and lived in a deprived area. We didn't get new clothes, and I look back at school photos and feel very sad as we don't look cared for.

Now I am in a stable marriage, post graduate educated and live in an affluent area. My children are well cared for, know they are loved and have a very stable homelife. As an adult I am not fussed about materialism but security and looking after what we have.

Biggest thing that helped is to accept my childhood was their issue not mine. And I am not carrying their issues into adulthood and have it spoil the things I can control. As a child you are passive having to live the live your parents provide. As an adult you are free of their control and can choose your own path. Stability, consistency and joy are the things childhood should be made of. I think having a bad childhood means your roots are not strong and I have great sadness about it. If I see family groups out or mum's and daughters shopping it causes me great sorrow, but I will have that with my own children, and I can't change the past so have to let it go. My parents have not helped as grandparents, and I have had no support from them educationally. Everything I am I have achieved myself despite them, and I think that is something to be proud of.

Almost exactly the same as the first poster, loving, secure, encouragement ... but yes, my DPs were strict. They never aspired to be my 'friends' .. although we've always had a great relationship ... my DM is still around at 90 but I would never describe her as my 'best friend'. She has her friends & I have mine, we have never been 'enmeshed' or emotionally dependent on each other ... she is off to stay with her 90 year old friend of 70 years today!
Both my DPs were great at making, and keeping, friends which I think is very healthy behaviour (& not as common as you might think). Family is important but so too is the wider world and community.
They modelled strong values, encouraged hard work (ie part time jobs, tutoring for academic subjects where we were weak ... I hated it at the time but it got my through my maths O level & I did exactly the same for my DS!).

@FlannelandPuce why do you subject your children to them?

Very loving, accepted me for who I was not who they wanted me to be, stability, we did move house a bit and I changed schools but stability came from my home life, present and involved dad and grandparents, 100% trust in my parents. They weren't perfect but I look back on my childhood as a very happy and safe place.

I was loved and listened to. I had everything I wanted for the most part but wasn’t just given it. I had rules and boundaries, but they were reasonable and I could negotiate against them if I had a reason to feel they were unfair. Even when my parents divorced they prioritised me and my brother, they were a team as parents.

but it must be luck too as a PP says, or other factors, as my brother has some mental health challenges and isn’t generally as capable when functioning day to day.

@Paltrypam I think it's because we all pretend everything is normal.
But also as much as I really dislike the parents from my childhood, I see them as different to the people they are now, who play no part in my life unless I let them.
I don't think anything about the situation is normal or understandable.

My parents were (and still are) very loving and caring. I had a mainly happy and secure childhood. Academic success was a priority.

I'm emotionally stable as an adult, but my brother struggles more. He had a harder childhood than me despite having the same parents, due to bullying at school and possibly his natural personality as well.

Why are you all over the place emotionally?
Many posters are all over the place emotionally due to bad relationship with DO/DM/ILs/ - but you don’t mention them, just your lovely little DS!

But you say they aren’t good with children and, more importantly, your children don’t want to spend time with them

You don’t like visiting them
They aren’t good with children
Your children don’t like visiting them

i am struggling to see the why?

You can make the change @FlannelandPuce

I disagree with some of this, certainly agree with the last paragraph.

Although there is no point in fighting yesterdays war in many cases as the next generation will always deviate from the last, but building blocks will often remain the same. Love, warmth, consistency, boundaries and kindness should not change.

^Just wanted to highlight this great post.

Self-awareness is the best thing you can develop, OP. In my opinion, it's the most important attribute of a good parent. If you know and understand yourself, then you have space to know and understand your child. Parents who are hung up on their own issues are the ones who don't have room to support a child.

The best way I know to develop self awareness is through counselling, and lots of it. Find a good therapist and go regularly. I'm talking months or years.

It might be expensive, but find a way to prioritise it if you possibly can - your mental health is the most important thing, especially if you have been through some difficult things. You have to process your own 'stuff' before you can properly support a child.

I grew up in a less than ideal home, and left (huge relief) at the first opportunity.
I'm also a single mum with a ds. I've taken the simple route of doing the complete opposite to my parents.

I talk to my ds, show him affection, tell him I love him, every day. Have a calm home routine. I ensure he has the opportunities that other children have, his friends are always welcome in our house. He goes on school trips, has hobbies out of the house, is included in things at school.

Now he is older I ask his opinion and include him in some decision making - holidays, food, clothes etc. Allow him to choose his own GCSEs.

Just remember the things your parents did that made you miserable, and avoid them. Remember what you needed but didn't happen. You'll be a great mum xx

@Paltrypam I think it's hard to explain but they are not the same people they were when I was a child, and in my head I have separated them so I meet my parents as they are now not holding onto the past. I don't often take my children to see them, maybe in the holidays or if their cousins are there too.
I think as I child I was powerless in the family dynamic, now as an adult I see them on my terms.
I do understand none of it is normal, and I am struggling to explain it. I guess as parents to small children they were not the best, but as older people to pop in and see now and then for a cup of tea they are ok

Self evaluation isn't reliable, so who knows. You'll know things that are a problem. Constructive, critical self evaluation on how to resolve those scenarios along the way will help.

I think the thing to look for is repeating problems and responses that don't stop them. My experience is we can have a habit of justifying our response to a problem, despite it not helping with preventing repetition.

Generally, I think kids need a stable environment. Not perfect or problem free but those problems dealt with calmly and responsibly as much as possible.

I'm not liking references to not a friend and distant. I'm a decent parent, I think, through childhood and adulthood now I've tried to be close and do things with both girls. A lot of time chatting, being interested in their lives & doing fun stuff with them. Not just parenting. Emotionally, I think they're fab, better than me 🤣 Very proud of them

This, and we are the same with our children

but one of my children has been through some traumatic events and has mental health issues and another has had anxiety and depression from very young age so I think as others have said it can be a mix

We didn't have much either growing up but I knew my parents did the best they could.
We were clothed, clean and had a good home. My parents never punished us. We'd just get a serious telling off if we needed to be disciplined.
They gave us freedom and trusted us.
They expected us to help around the house.
They were strict when it came to school and education, which I am really grateful for now.
I have lovely memories of picnics and days out, going to the library and on bike rides, of Sunday morning breakfasts of pancakes or French toast, of cakes being baked on rainy days, reading newspapers that were left in the table and watching films with my siblings.
My family are all still very close and we're in regular contact and see each other as often as we can.

I love this.

I had a dreadful childhood and I always say that if I do have a child myself (still on the fence due to dreadful childhood) how I will know what to do is to basically do the polar opposite of what my parents did on almost everything. This is how I would navigate parenting.

My mum came home pregnant from travelling, 25, no real work experience, no job, no savings, hadn't lived in the country for four years. It had disaster written all over it.
She was the most brilliant, most patient, fun mum. She genuinely listened to everything I said and respected my feelings. She was enthusiastic about her interests but encouraged me in what I was interested in. She knew I was an individual and not a 'mini me' or her clone.
I try to do the same with my own children but I don't feel I'm as selfless or as controlled as she was. I cry infront of them if I get a bill through I can't pay or if I have a disagreement with their father. But that's ok because my mum taught me that we are all individuals. I am not her and I am not raising kids that are just like me, they have had their own life experiences and a new set of cultural influences.
Show yourself some self compassion. You are not just a product of your environment. Find your own way with parenting. I am not a strict parent. It just doesn't work for me. I try to be fair, and to listen. All kids really want is consistency and to be heard.

Exactly. I had a dysfunctional upbringing, the kind that wasn’t immediately noticeable from the outside. Emotional, psychological abuse, which eventually graduated to financial abuse. Thank fuck my grandmother was around to give us some normalcy.

have had lots of therapy, including Parent and Infant psychotherapy. Was terrified of ‘becoming my mother’ when I found out I was pregnant.

read “Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving”, as a validating book. And continue with therapy. Wanting to work on yourself and asking how you can do well as a parent will take you a long way.

Get counselling for yourself op. Read or listen to 'the book you wish your parents had read' and look up 'emotion coaching'

Pretty difficult at times, cared for my mum who was mentally very unwell and at times abusive. Dad worked a lot but was a stable factor when he was home. I had to do the work on myself through therapy when I was older.

It's very hard. I don't think I grew up in a super stable household and it wasn't always very happy. It wasn't a bad childhood though and I have some very fond memories. There are lots of things my parents got right. They loved us without doubt and unconditionally. They were always honest and direct. We were never punished or even scolded but mostly listened because we didn't want to worry our parents. At least I did. However, my parents didn't get along. My father was good to us children but verbally abusive to my mum. However I was always on edge because my parents didn't get along. My dad was good to us children but verbally abusive to my mum. I always worried for and felt guilty about my parents. Always felt responsible for their happiness or lack of it. My mum suffered from severe depression and anxiety when I was a teenager and I always felt like I needed to protect her from everything. So even though I knew she wouldn't be cross with me if I confided stuff in her I never did because I didn't want her to worry and that led me to take some very bad decisions. It still does. So that's where I think you need to be careful with your depression and anxiety. It's ok to be depressed and it's ok to tell your child so in age appropriate terms but don't let it be a burden on them. Don't let them feel that there is anything they can or should do to make it better for you.