Being signed off work with stress

[4StoneToLose]

I work for the civil service 4 days a week.

Currently feeling very overwhelmed with work and finding it very hard to cope.

Having a lot of issues at home with my four year old son who we’re battling trying to get an EHCP for and having to fight the local authority every step of the way to get him support.

My son is non verbal and often extremely hard work and we have very little support outside of the two of us. He goes to a nursery who have been supportive but reduced his hours a little due to staffing issues and ratios.

My husband works long hours in the office and a lot of the grunt work falls to me as I work from home 2 days a week.

He has so many appointments and meetings and calls, that I feel like I’m chasing my tail and constantly having to work in the evening to catch up.

I can’t keep up at work and I’ve dropped the ball on a couple of big projects recently and it’s started to be noticed.

I don’t know what to do. We can’t afford for me to lose my job but I honestly feel like I might crack up soon. It’s all too much.

Has anyone had any experience of being signed off with stress?

OP, the bad news is that caring responsibilities are associated with poorer long term health, and an average life expectancy reduction of 8 years.

Because being a carer is hard, and adequate social support is often not available, many carers live under conditions of chronic stress, and develop other physical and mental health disorders. If you have a health condition that has a substantial and long term effect on your daily life you are likely to be covered by the Equality Act and entitled to receive reasonable adjustments.

I still can’t stop feeling sick about the thought of work again next week When I was in a similar situation, a friend said to me “your work should not make you sick”. Something that hadn’t occurred to me up till then.

Being off through stress is unlikely to mess up your future as much as making a mess of your work, which you say you are already beginning to do.

@4StoneToLose I am also a civil servant. It's practically impossible to sack someone so I wouldn't worry about that - most people can't be bothered doing the paperwork!

You've such a lot on your plate. It's always work that has to give in these circumstances. I'd take a couple of weeks off. Speak to your GP.

In the meantime, contact your employee assistance programme. Do it tomorrow first thing when you log on. Most of the civil service ones will offer 6 counselling sessions if you explain the problem and ask for it. I've supported two of my team to access this in the last 6 months because their home lives were affecting their work.

We try to support people to stay at work where possible as it can be a slippery slope if people do go off sick - but sometimes a bit of time away helps get things back on an even keel. I had 2 weeks off sick at the beginning of the year because life was crashing down around me. I actually discussed with with my manager beforehand, it was quite clear I wasn't able to do my job properly.

Also - you must, must speak to your manager and let them know how you're feeling. They need to go through a stress reduction plan with you for starters.

I was signed off for a number of months. I haven't felt there to be any stigma at work as a result (also in the civil service). And if your department is anything like mine, there's a lot of movement within the civil service, so you won't necessarily be working with the same people on return.

Please prioritise your health. The sick policy exists for a reason, and I would say take the support you need.

@desikated most insurance policies don’t pay out if someone kills themselves regardless of whether or not they have pre-existing MH conditions. So a period of sick leave with stress may increase you premium marginally but it doesn’t mean you have different exemptions to the policy in that regard.

OP in your shoes I would get signed off for 2-3 weeks to give you some time to regroup. As pp have said this is not a short term issue, so you need to work with DH to develop a long term plan. It’s hard enough to rely on school/wraparound for childcare while working anyway because of all the bloody sick days/inset days/school events etc and then add in a child with significant SEN and it becomes even harder. Even if you do get an EHCP it might not get you a place at a suitable school, or there might not be holiday clubs, or your son might start a great school but not cope well, etc.

This should not be all on you to solve. Some options:

• both you and DH reduce your hours at work. Two people working 0.6FTE earn more than one person working 1.0FTE and one working 0.2 because of tax, NI etc. This is especially true if you are relatively high earners.
• your DH could negotiate to work from home, some of the time
• you could continue to work full time but employ a nanny with experience of SEN who could then also look after your other children before/after school
• extend the term on your mortgage to enable you or DH to drop hours
• Look at moving to a cheaper area, new/different jobs

There is no reason that you should be the default carer and parent to make all the sacrifices at work to deal with this situation.

@Guibhyl I’ve probably been a bit harsh on my husband here.

He does do a lot of childcare where he can, does the drop offs for both our older child and one of the 4 year olds. Also takes his share of the sick days which seem to happen a LOT with 3 children. He already works slightly odd hours to manage the drop offs and pick ups for the 2 “non-SEN” children. His work is a very male dominated engineering area of work where the amount he does for our children is already seen as mad, i can’t see them agreeing to anymore. The civil service is definitely more family friendly in that regard.

I work 3 days but over 4 to accommodate the school hours pick up for our SEN child at his specialist placement. Obviously no wraparound available for this.

I’ve ended up taking the lead on the ehcp stuff as I was more able to attend a lot of the original appointments and then it’s quite hard for two people to be fully across what’s happening with the myriad of professionals involved.

To be honest I don’t find this helpful. Feels a bit like you’re trying to kick me when I’m down

I don’t currently have a long term health condition

@4StoneToLose this all just sounds really rough and hard work.

I was literally having a conversation with a friend today encouraging them to take sick leave. (They are sick!)

Our entire employment system is set up on the premise that sometimes people are unwel and can't work. In part That's why there is employment law to protect people and why things like sick pay and occupational health exist.

You are in an exceptional circumstance and under huge stress - obviously your mh is impacted negatively and this is making you unwell.

I know it's big gulp moment but take the time you need to sort things out, make life a little more manageable and reduce the stress. No, there's no silver bullet here and I know there are many challenges you've highlighted that are really tricky. But you will be better placed to face them all if you are in a better mental health place.

Hi OP. I've been signed off before. Doc wouldn't sign me off with "stress" as it's not a medical condition, so the note said depression and anxiety, which was what the stress was causing. It didn't go against me - I had a fantastic boss who helped me return gradually. I didn't want anyone at work to know why I was off as I worried they'd treat me differently, but by and large people don't ask. They just ask if you're feeling better and you say "yes".
Take the time. X

Councils usually have provision for children with SEN in the holidays but these are not widely advertised because of funding.

I do feel for but i think sorting out the early stages are harder. Things will get better

Our council don’t seem to unfortunately - they’re known for being one of the worst for SEN provision typically.

I’ve advertised for a PA via the TAs at the specialist school nursery he attends and a few are interested so that’s one positive

Hi all, as an older lady (60) and still working full time I now have advanced arthritis in my hips, knee. Iv asked for my hrs to be reduced as I stand all day, but was told no. I also have a drs note advising less hrs etc but to no avail. Very tempted to go off sick and try to find another job. Any advice please