Being signed off work with stress

[4StoneToLose]

I work for the civil service 4 days a week.

Currently feeling very overwhelmed with work and finding it very hard to cope.

Having a lot of issues at home with my four year old son who we’re battling trying to get an EHCP for and having to fight the local authority every step of the way to get him support.

My son is non verbal and often extremely hard work and we have very little support outside of the two of us. He goes to a nursery who have been supportive but reduced his hours a little due to staffing issues and ratios.

My husband works long hours in the office and a lot of the grunt work falls to me as I work from home 2 days a week.

He has so many appointments and meetings and calls, that I feel like I’m chasing my tail and constantly having to work in the evening to catch up.

I can’t keep up at work and I’ve dropped the ball on a couple of big projects recently and it’s started to be noticed.

I don’t know what to do. We can’t afford for me to lose my job but I honestly feel like I might crack up soon. It’s all too much.

Has anyone had any experience of being signed off with stress?

I really feel for you OP, currently going through the same issue with my LA. I am too fighting for a EHCP for my non verbal DC. He started nursery in sept, he can only go for one hour a day as he needs a one to one but there is not enough staff.

It's hard, I have my own health problems and took 4 months off for stress and MH. If you need it do it, I understand you have bills but your own health comes first. You can't do your job if you don't take care of yourself. Sending virtual hugs 💐

I do hope your manager is supportive- it’s clear you care about your job and the impact this is having on it. I would much rather someone take the time off they need and their work is covered than someone continue to struggle and mistakes made.

CS here. I’d be fully supportive if you were in my team. Having someone signed off with stress is nothing out of the ordinary. I’ve also been signed off myself in a previous department, so I’ve seen it from both sides.

I have no experience at all of the EHCP process so can only offer sympathy, no advice there. I can advise a little on the work side of things:

• Try to take some time to rest - easier said than done by the sounds of your circumstances, but do try.
• Stay in contact with your line manager, and discuss an OH referral - IME the reports are usually favourable to the employee and managers will usually implement any recommendations about hours, future workloads etc.
• As others have said, use the resources available from PAM assist or whoever your EAP provider is.
• Be aware that you are likely to hit a sickness absence trigger but it’s not usually as scary as it sounds. When you return, your LM should have a return to work interview with you and talk you through the process, and the policy should be on your intranet too. Even if you are issued with a first stage warning (and the manager may have discretion to decline to do so), it just means your future sickness will be monitored in case you hit further triggers. Ignore the PP who talked about everyone in that position being managed out; if the Civil Service managed out everyone who was ever signed off with stress, there’d only be a skeleton staff left! I’ve been promoted since my return from stress-related absence so it absolutely does not have to have an adverse impact on your future.
• Do you have a Carer’s Passport? If not, look into it when you get back. It’s not a free pass for anything to do with your son that affects your work, but if you move teams in the future you can give it to your new manager and it will help explain your situation. Your department may have a Carer’s Network too - use these resources for support and advice.

Take care of yourself OP, and good luck with your child’s EHCP.

Take a bit of time off. Got a friend in this situation - almost identical but she’s a single parent. Battling for an EHCP as non verbal (5yrs old) and school can only take her on reduced timetable (90 mins a day). She’s so stressed with it, she had no choice but to get signed off for a few weeks. She’s sorting out a childminder now for rest of week to help the non 90 mins she’s in school until EHCP is granted and she can attend a school more suitable for her needs

in my gov dept yes it’s on your record but you only need to declare for internal jobs if on a live warning. Not sure if you’ll get one as very much depends on your department and attitude of senior leaders re warnings

Teachers don’t change nappies and my friends in same position. Child can’t be potty trained as she doesn’t have any awareness. She lives in her own bubble really, plays alongside other children but doesn’t interact etc. So much red tape, I attended the appeal with her (mediation) and they said still don’t have enough evidence. It’s madness as in the meantime my friend is having to be off sick as she can’t work with her SEN child home all day bar 90 mins in school. Even with funding for 1-2-1 the school can’t recruit anyone to do the job, no-one applied to the last advert. So difficult

The other thing to think about is whether you make a formal application for term time only employment.

I meant to add, yes the number of sick days will stay on your record but in terms of future jobs, it will only be an issue within the CS 1) if you were to apply for another job while the warning was still “live” (usually 12 months) when it has to be declared, or 2) if the number of days off was so significant / it developed into something classed as a disability, the new department wanted you to go through an OH referral - again, this wouldn’t block a future change if you’re honest and engage with the process, it just holds up transfers a while. In general they wouldn’t be looking for an excuse not to employ you, they’d be ensuring any additional support was in place for you joining.

Outside the CS it’s not an issue as most departments only provide the legal minimum in references now (confirmation of dates worked and position(s) but having worked in other sectors, I’ve personally had much much more support when dealing with stress within the CS than outside it so I’d be cautious about moving.

Would you being at home stop the need for wraparound care for your eldest? Can you cut costs any other ways too, to allow you to take a career break?

Thank you to everyone for your kind comments

I spoke to my boss this morning about my mini cock up and he was really nice about it.

I’ll have a think about what I want to say to the management team next week. Some time off would be wonderful - one less stress on my plate - but it feels such a failure. I’ve always been really well respected at work that I feel like I’ll always have a black mark against my name.

Unfortunately can’t cut any costs elsewhere I don’t think. Our mortgage went up by £300 at the beginning of the year which has really put a strain on us

Your friends child sounds very similar to my son and the 90 mins a day and not being able to recruit a one to one is all my biggest fears.

Hope your friend is ok - the stress must be off the charts

Grumplechops gives you really good advice.
Op when it comes to it in the end,
Yourself and your family come first.
By taking time off to get yourself in a better place and offload, it is the right thing to do for you.
Your well being is vital,
Seek counselling, think of yourself because your child and partner need you to be OK.
You deserve a break.
Your workplace will support you if it is a decent place.
Gossip, opinion is unimportant
You are right!

I'm also a Civil Servant. Unless you're particularly unlucky with your team, taking some time off sick with stress shouldn't cause you issues.

I've known people return after over a year off sick or after a lengthy career break (6 years is the longest one I've encountered).

I would suggest:

• speaking to your manager. They may be able to put some support in place to help you at work.
• get a Carers Passport
• speak to your EAP (ours is Pam Assist)
• you could also try speaking to the Charity for Civil Servants and your union (if you're in one).

It's worth seeing if you can access some support through those routes. But don't feel bad if you need to take some time off sick to de-stress.

Your wellbeing is crucial. Sometimes it's better to take some time off now than trying to push through and burning out down the line and needing more time to recover.

Op are you in a union or can the charity of Civil servants provide legal support for educational solicitors?

I'm sorry OP that sounds very stressful.

No you don't have to disclose on job applications.

It is discrimination if they do not offer a job or retain employment due to sickness.

I have had two (month long) absences for anxiety and depression. I was promoted 3 months ago in that context. I don't think I work in a particularly caring environment just one that knows the law and follows it. It saddens me that people are recommending you don't go off sick due to employment concerns.

I know the physical / mental health comparison is old, but if you had the flu (the real flu) and needed to be off for 2 weeks or a month you would be. Obviously no one (no one half way decent or literate in employment law) would take that as any reflection on your ability to work.

This might sound a bit dramatic, but take the time now while things are just about do able. If you don't, the risk is that things will get worse and then you'll be more unwell and also have to take more time off.

You are in a situation that is materially and objectively very stressful. Please treat yourself with the compassion and care you would give to others

Oh and yes I also had to disclose on insurance policy. It made a negligible difference and they won't pay out if I kill myself. There are bespoke insurance providers for people who have or do experience mental health problems.

Do you have a family support worker? I would contact your local family/childrens centre and ask for support.

Mine was great. I think that could be a starting point for you here.

Is that via the health visitor? They’ve been pretty crap to be honest.

What support can they offer?

They asked me to attend a support group for children with ASD which is only available during work hours

Thank you.

Im really glad you were able to take some time without it having a detrimental effect

Both my DC have additional needs, one rather severe (ASD, learning difficulties). Went a few times over the years to GP and was always told that getting signed off is not a solution as it won't solve the root issue. In the end, I had to leave work and found a less stressful part time job.

If you have a child with complex need, by any means get a short sicknote but issue will not go away. Today it's the ECHP, tomorrow behaviours, then appointments, then another crisis for something else. Clearly, your responsibilities in your job are not compatible with your caring responsibilities. You need to change the job/hours you are work. Anything else is not sustainable long term.

No, it’s not a health visitor. It’s the children’s/family centre in your local area.

Give them a call, I think they could help you.

Sorry for the drip feed as I thought adding this bit would be quite outing but feck it.

My four year old son is a twin. His twin doesn’t have any issues though but it all adds to the logistical and stressful nightmare we’re currently in. His twin is still a 4 year old with all the associated behaviours and occasional difficulties. Things got much easier on the twin front last year when he was potty trained and able to talk to us more and more. But got harder seeing even bigger developmental gaps arise between the two of them.

I don’t see how I can possibly change jobs as we need the money from my salary.

We live in a 3 bed semi as it is so can’t downsize.

Were never going to be able to solve the root issue though which is more support which simply isn’t available ☹️

I think there are very few parents with disabled child who can 'afford' to cut their hours. We all have bills to pay. Mine are teens now and it is just my lived experience. also, the older they get, the harder things will get. Wrap around childcare, school holiday childcare. once you get to secondary age, there will be no holiday clubs there anymore... it's absolutely awful but that is the reality. My child attends a special school and I am one of very few mums who works. Most have a parent full time at home as there is just so little support.

You will also need to consider the fact that you may struggle to get wrap around childcare and holiday clubs once your son starts school. Nursery is so much easier organisation wise. There is very little, in some areas next to nothing in term of holiday childcare for SEN kids. Unless you have family to help and your husband taking over more, you are going to have a an impossible task