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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel the way I do about my MIL?

71 replies

pinkbunns · 22/10/2023 17:04

Another MIL one!

I am starting to really dislike my MIL.

I spend hours helping MIL and FIL, from writing letters, helping them with their smart phones, sorting out Amazon refunds, looking after the dogs when they go on holiday, etc.

Last week MIL had suspected cellulitis and couldn't get an appointment with her GP so I called in 111 and spent ages on the phone arranging an appointment and she never even said thank you.

Yesterday MIL is just so nasty and rude to me for no reason.
"You need to start cooking for DH as he is tired from work " MIL informs me quite rudely.

MIL will often make these kind of comments, think she has a right to interfere in our marriage and I never say anything back to her.

When I go round to help and my husband will say "she's here to help" MIL will just scowl at me.

I actually feel quite nervous around my MIL as she will often make offensive comments and I don't know how to react.

I have told my husband that I don't want to help anymore as his parents never show me any appreciation.

You would think after spending hours getting MIL an appointment with 111 MIL would at least speak to me nicely.

I dont expect anything in return but it would be nice to feel appreciated and if someone had helped me as much as I have helped them I would at least get them a box of chocolates or a thank you card
Nothing.

I have told my husband that I am not willing to help such ungrateful people and it's not as if they ever help me.
They will help my husband and treat him but when it comes to me I am just the unpaid help.

I have had enough but husband has said he will talk to MIL but I am not convinced MIL will just be nice and grateful all of a sudden.

OP posts:
Paltrypam · 22/10/2023 17:06

Op don’t be a martyr

Simple as that

Paltrypam · 22/10/2023 17:07

Is there any reason why your husband doesn’t do their admin?

TenThousandSpoons · 22/10/2023 17:07

Yanbu.
Don't help out any more.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 22/10/2023 17:08

Stop doing it. Do you think each time you help they might start being nice to you? Clearly they don't care.
Why do you do it?

Spirallingdownwards · 22/10/2023 17:09

Yes stop helping and let DH do it if he wants to. If she brings up nonsense about cooking his dinner again tell her he is a grown adult and can cook himself

Evaka · 22/10/2023 17:09

Yep. Stop trying to please her. She sounds like a dick and isn't remotely your responsibility.

Original poster
pinkbunns · 22/10/2023 17:09

Paltrypam · 22/10/2023 17:07

Is there any reason why your husband doesn’t do their admin?

He helps them when he can but he works full time and also has a small business.

None of the siblings help apart from my husband.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/10/2023 17:12

Drop the rope, stop being a martyr, refuse to be a doormat, and walk the fuck away from these ungrateful assholes.

Do not do another single thing for them. Ever. There are consequences for treating a person horribly, and it's high time your MIL learns this.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/10/2023 17:15

None of the siblings help apart from my husband.

No, your husband stuck you with the job, so he's no better than his siblings. Clever little trick, eh?

Think of it this way, op, there's probably a good reason none of their other children want to help them.

Paltrypam · 22/10/2023 17:16

Do you have children op?

Paltrypam · 22/10/2023 17:17

I suspect the siblings he don’t help because they aren’t close to their parents, have no desire to be Involved and don’t have a partner who seems to lack a backbone

Paltrypam · 22/10/2023 17:18

None of the siblings help apart from my husband

surely surely you can see this sentence is a little…. Inaccurate op

Wheredidyougonow · 22/10/2023 17:24

More fool you. This is on you. You are choosing to be treated this way. Why do you 'never' say anything to them. First post nailed it - martyr. Don't complain because you continue. They aren't even your parents, their own children don't care yet you go running after them?

Tinkerbyebye · 22/10/2023 17:27

So just stop. You have told your husband you will. He picked it up and if he can’t do it because he is busy, has work the that’s what he tells them and they wait until he is free, get one of the other siblings to help, or sorts it themself

if they call and you answer a breezy sorry xx is there, can you call back at yy time

PrinceHaz · 22/10/2023 17:30

Talking to her will cause a meltdown from her. She will not change ever. So I suggest you stop helping and go low or no contact.
I spent last Easter listening to MIL complaining, taking her everywhere and at the end of it, she was very, very rude to me.
I decided that day after 30 years of it, that I’d had enough. I haven’t seen her since and it’s been very pleasant. DP would, no doubt, prefer it if I sucked it up to give him a quiet life, but I absolutely won’t anymore. I’m looking forward to no further insults and no further wife work at Christmas and on her birthday.

Nevermind31 · 22/10/2023 17:40

They treat you like a doormat because you act like one.
they call for help? Ignore or tell them to call DP.
you don’t even need to make a big drama out of it… just stop helping - you are busy

RedHelenB · 22/10/2023 17:42

Paltrypam · 22/10/2023 17:18

None of the siblings help apart from my husband

surely surely you can see this sentence is a little…. Inaccurate op

No because OP said her dh helped out when he could.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 22/10/2023 17:43

How old are they? Unless they are incapacitated surely they can sort these things out themselves.
I’m 75 and book my own doctors appointments, do my own shopping, sort my own Amazon returns out, you’re tired too and you’d have more time to cook if you weren’t spending vast amounts of time running round after them.
Pull back and stop doing so much for them. No need for a big announcement, just don’t do as much.

HowToSaveAWife · 22/10/2023 17:48

Down tools and just start being very, very busy.

"Apologies MIL, I can't today - perhaps call DH or one of your other kids. Hope you get sorted."

End of. Stop being a martyr.

BettyPhuckzer · 22/10/2023 17:51

There's two things happening here

Firstly you are doing things for your parents in law with an expectation of appreciation. I think that's very reasonable BUT YOU ARENT GETTING ANY APPRECIATION

Secondly, your parents in law are so used to you doing things for them, that it's become the norm, standard, run of the mill. Not needing appreciation to be shown

Therefore stop doing things for them. Be otherwise engaged when needed. And choose carefully when and how you help them and help irregularly and not often

That will start to balance the situation

SaracensMavericks · 22/10/2023 17:51

YANBU at all. If they are not prepared to be polite then they cannot expect you to help them. Simple as that.

Paltrypam · 22/10/2023 17:52

RedHelenB · 22/10/2023 17:42

No because OP said her dh helped out when he could.

Show quote history

Which is likely very very little going by what the OP says

nutbrownhare15 · 22/10/2023 17:53

Have you posted about this before OP?

TidyDancer · 22/10/2023 17:54

Where does the cooking for DH thing come from? I'm sensing that he's moaning to them, which absolutely needs to stop immediately if that is happening.

Is there some kind of strange dynamic in the family that's allowed this to develop the way it has?

gamerchick · 22/10/2023 17:54

I'm sure I've just read this before.

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