To feel the way I do about my MIL?

[pinkbunns]

Another MIL one!

I am starting to really dislike my MIL.

I spend hours helping MIL and FIL, from writing letters, helping them with their smart phones, sorting out Amazon refunds, looking after the dogs when they go on holiday, etc.

Last week MIL had suspected cellulitis and couldn't get an appointment with her GP so I called in 111 and spent ages on the phone arranging an appointment and she never even said thank you.

Yesterday MIL is just so nasty and rude to me for no reason.
"You need to start cooking for DH as he is tired from work " MIL informs me quite rudely.

MIL will often make these kind of comments, think she has a right to interfere in our marriage and I never say anything back to her.

When I go round to help and my husband will say "she's here to help" MIL will just scowl at me.

I actually feel quite nervous around my MIL as she will often make offensive comments and I don't know how to react.

I have told my husband that I don't want to help anymore as his parents never show me any appreciation.

You would think after spending hours getting MIL an appointment with 111 MIL would at least speak to me nicely.

I dont expect anything in return but it would be nice to feel appreciated and if someone had helped me as much as I have helped them I would at least get them a box of chocolates or a thank you card
Nothing.

I have told my husband that I am not willing to help such ungrateful people and it's not as if they ever help me.
They will help my husband and treat him but when it comes to me I am just the unpaid help.

I have had enough but husband has said he will talk to MIL but I am not convinced MIL will just be nice and grateful all of a sudden.

Do you plan to have any children op?

@pinkbunns

In the future I will be taking a step back and let my husband sort it out as for my own mental being I think it's best I minimise contact with MIL.

Be prepared for the strenuous pushback not just from MIL/FIL and your husband's siblings who've managed to stay out of the firing line, but also from your husband who is leaving you at the cliff face to sort out whatever his parents want whilst he carries on with whatever else he's doing.

You are used to doing your "duty" and biting your tongue so as to cause no stress to anyone but yourself, so also be prepared for others, as well as your own helpful nature, to put the guilt on you. 🌹

@WhereYouLeftIt - Yes from what I understand MIL has always had a nasty temperament.
I have tried to be nice to her but as you say she will not change and it is her not me.

@Daffodilsandtuplips - Thank you for your kind words and support.

I have heard MIL say to DH "We have spent thousands on your education and we are always helping you" so he definitely feels obligated to help them and like you say it should not be at my expense.

I agree people think WFH is not really a job and even DH says "your always on break or you hardly work".

I do feel as if MIL just expects/assumes she should be helped because she is 70 and how in the past DH used to run round after her.

@MintJulia - MIL will need help with writing letters to OpenReach and she even demanded I go and argue with an OpenReach engineer and her neighbour once when they were trying to erect broadband poles on MIL property.

No thank you was ever given despite me working from home and having to drop everything to argue with the engineer and neighbour because in laws were out.

They often need help with smartphones, laptops, online shopping, looking after the dogs, doing odd grocery shops, gardening etc.

I enjoy helping people, but I won't help people that are rude and unappreciative like MIL and I have told my husband I won't be helping anymore because I am tired of being constantly disrespected.

@Newestname002 - My husband says he understands how I feel and insists MIL dosent mean to be nasty and is grateful but actions speak louder than words.

I think deep down my husband is annoyed as I know MIL will be asking him and million questions and he won't know how to respond.

Don't be scared of her. She's just a person; a very rude and unappreciative one. What's the worst she is going to do, shout at you? If she speaks to you like shit either walk out immediately or tell her not to speak to you like that. If she carries out tell her you won't be helping her anymore and leave.
If your DH wants to see her and help her out that's up to him, you don't have to have anything to do with her. She's done herself a disservice treating you like crap as now she won't get any proper help and it serves her right.

I do find MIL scary, I get quite nervous around her as I dont know what mood she will be in.

As I say to my husband she appears to have no awareness about her behaviour and seems to think it is acceptable to speak to people the way she does.

I have made it clear to my husband that even in MIL's later years I will not be helping and that they will have to seek alternative arrangements.

Because my MIL and FIL nursed MIL's own mother and FIL's parents in their later years they expect the same from me.

@pinkbunns

I think deep down my husband is annoyed as I know MIL will be asking him and million questions and he won't know how to respond.

Annoyed with you, yes. He will need to learn how to deal with her emotions pressuring him because she and FIL think they're owed for what they've done for him (as his parents) in the past and dealing with any guilt he may have.

Watch out that the focus doesn't now change and you're now helping him indirectly do all the things you used to do directly for them so that you are still de facto their skivvy. 🌹

But you don't need to be scared of her OP. You don't have to take anyone shouting at you and treating you like crap. You are a grown up, you can choose what you will and won't put up with. You either don't see her anymore or you tell her off. She's rude to you anyway, all she will be is ruder at worst if you tell her to watch her mouth. I'd personally tell my husband you won't be helping at all now as you are sick of being treated like crap. She can either buck up her attitude or she can sort out her own problems with the help of her kids. If it's crap help it's her own fault. Stick to what you've said and don't back down or be persuaded otherwise.

The only way to deal with her is to snap back. From MN I gather that people would rather just stop having any interactions with family or inlaws, than have any sort of confrontation. Sometimes it's worth the confrontation though. For your own sense of self worth/self respect, I think it would be better for you to deal with her head on. Next time she says something like that to you, ask "Who the hell do you think you're talking to?" Don't be scared, she's just a MIL! Show strength, demand respect and don't let people walk all over you. It will probably improve your relationship and it will definitely improve your own sense of self.

You are kind and you know MIL is rude. and abrupt.
Be less available.

You are likely to be yourself and continue some helping.

Be happy to do less but never expect a thank you.
I hope your MIL does become more appreciative of you both.

You insisting You won't help in laws in their old age makes no sense because you're doing so much of the heavy lifting now. Surely they will need more help as they age and you will be locked into this obligation to carry on? You should stop now so they find ways of coping without you.

Your husband is half the problem here, he thinks your wfh job isn't really work? Honestly op this man and his family are all disrespectful to you, stop helping them out and demand respect from your dh.

"I have had enough but husband has said he will talk to MIL but I am not convinced MIL will just be nice and grateful all of a sudden."
Of course she won't be. The question for me is, why isn't HE aware of that? Has he not seen how she speaks to you, scowls at you? If he hasn't, he's not very observant. If he has, he's in denial.

You mentioned 'golden child' - which presumably makes his siblings the Scapegoats. IIRC, the Golden Child/Scapegoat dynamic springs from a narcissistic parent - which chimes with her expectation that ALL her children should be running after her. And don't let FIL off the hook - he's an Enabler.

You also touched on obligation, how he feels that because of past financial help. It might be worth reading up on FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt. It's another unhealthy dynamic caused by parents, and it's possible your husband is in FOG and that's why he's offering up your time and sanity to his parents.

"Because my MIL and FIL nursed MIL's own mother and FIL's parents in their later years they expect the same from me."
Oof, I'd be dropping that into the conversation next time I saw her (if there is a next time), even if I had to crowbar it in! And I'd be hammering it into my husband's head that there is no way, EVER, that that is going to happen. Because if he's in FOG/denial, he might be telling himself that 'well, pinkbunns enjoys helping people, I'm sure she'll put all the shit my mother dished out to one side and get on with it'. I can almost guarantee it. Head that one off at the pass with an absolutely unambiguous refusal up-front.

I agree with a lot of your post and you have made some good points.

My husband is very aware of how she treats and speaks to me but he a lot of the time he will defend her and make excuses for her.
When I bring it up he will just be eager to change the conversation so nothing is really ever address or resolved as he refuses to discuss it.

MIL is very critical and nasty to her other children. They live their on lives.
Where my husband's world resolves around his parents.
MIL will even text the OH of her children to demand that they go over more and help.

FIL isn't too bad and has the nicer personality and is the opposite of MIL.

I understand that there will be some interaction with MIL but I have told my husband that any more scowling or nasty comments and I am going to be saying something to her and if it causes an argument than so be it.

They're not your responsibility. No one likes a martyr 🙄

She's not bipolar, she's a narcissist.

Please research it with your OH (not for him), do it together.

I'm a child of a narcissistic parent, it's really important that he starts to recognise the behaviour for what it is.

For what it's worth, you are doing the right thing. My husband did this, but the downside meant I then had to cope on my own, as he won't see her much any more. Being able to see the behaviour for what it is helped me to build up resilience and coping strategies.

Yeah just stop doing it. If they ask why say their reactions to you made you think they didn’t want you around. Let him go and do it. And maybe other siblings might step up if you stop. MIL will probs bitch about you but she’s already doing that isn’t she so?

Become extremely busy and say you’d love to help but have no time.

Stop helping the ungrateful old cow!

Zombie thread

Don't visit them on your own again. Next time the two of you go round to see MIL and FIL, make absolutely sure that it is you who drives. Then, when she insults you one more time, you will be able to tell her what you really think of her, and that you will not tolerate being spoken to like that. Then you walk out.

Pick up your bag & car keys and leave. Just go. Don't warn your DH that you plan to do it, because he needs a massive wake-up call as well. Get in the car and drive off. You don't have to go far, just around 10 minutes' drive, and find a supermarket or wherever to pull over.

Your phone will have already rung by then, so you can then either text DH to make his own ruddy way home, or offer to collect him from round the corner.

She’s embarrassed you have to help her do stuff she should be able to do herself.
putting you down immediately afterwards makes her feel better. She says the first thing that pops into her head .
she might even have RSD (rejection sensitive dysforia).
She doesn’t think like you so do t expect a thank you. Her brain is not wired like your’s.