To feel the way I do about my MIL?

[pinkbunns]

Another MIL one!

I am starting to really dislike my MIL.

I spend hours helping MIL and FIL, from writing letters, helping them with their smart phones, sorting out Amazon refunds, looking after the dogs when they go on holiday, etc.

Last week MIL had suspected cellulitis and couldn't get an appointment with her GP so I called in 111 and spent ages on the phone arranging an appointment and she never even said thank you.

Yesterday MIL is just so nasty and rude to me for no reason.
"You need to start cooking for DH as he is tired from work " MIL informs me quite rudely.

MIL will often make these kind of comments, think she has a right to interfere in our marriage and I never say anything back to her.

When I go round to help and my husband will say "she's here to help" MIL will just scowl at me.

I actually feel quite nervous around my MIL as she will often make offensive comments and I don't know how to react.

I have told my husband that I don't want to help anymore as his parents never show me any appreciation.

You would think after spending hours getting MIL an appointment with 111 MIL would at least speak to me nicely.

I dont expect anything in return but it would be nice to feel appreciated and if someone had helped me as much as I have helped them I would at least get them a box of chocolates or a thank you card
Nothing.

I have told my husband that I am not willing to help such ungrateful people and it's not as if they ever help me.
They will help my husband and treat him but when it comes to me I am just the unpaid help.

I have had enough but husband has said he will talk to MIL but I am not convinced MIL will just be nice and grateful all of a sudden.

“Hours making a 111 appointment, arranging an Amazon refund”? Really, both sound like 5 minute jobs and you are expecting undying thanks!

I feel sorry for your MIL - you sound like hard work

How come the other siblings don't help? Are they unable to or do they choose not to because their parents are so unpleasant?

Firstly, dh needs to call them out very directly and say he won't tolerate such treatment of his wife.

And I think you need to start standing up for yourself a bit more. When mil is rude and offensive I think you need to say I don't appreciate how you're speaking to me, if you want my help with x then you need to be more respectful.

You are well within your rights to stop providing care for them, but I do understand that it might not feel like something you can actually do. Your dh needs to have a frank chat with his parents and siblings and agree a care plan shared out with everyone.

Your PILs health and paperwork are not your problem OP. They have D.C. Let them get on with it. You were probably put in a position where you felt you had to help with the health apt. In future tell them you’ll contact X to help out because you’re very busy/not home. Then call your dh or his siblings and let them deal with it.

Not your circus…

Thanks for the replies.

The siblings have all had issues with my in laws and the siblings tend to do their own thing which MIL absolutely hates as she thinks everyone should run round after them.

It is mainly my MIL that causes all the problems in our family.

The siblings and FIL have discussed the possibility that she may be suffering from undiagnosed Bipolar as she is up and down all the time but MIL refuses to go to the doctors about it.

The only people spared from MIL's nasty ways is my husband and FIL.

Because my husband is the golden child I think it is just assumed/ expected that I will run round after them as well.

I know my husband gets tired from MIL as he is always having to tell her "just be nice to people" as he gets so embarrassed by her comments at times.

I think I will just step back and let them get on with it.

It seems she's always been rude and ungrateful to you. So why are you still being surprised by this after all this time? As others said, stop being a martyr and grow a backbone and start sticking up for yourself. If she's rude to you, call her out on it. Why are you letting it continue? Say something like " you know what Mary? I've had enough of listening to you speak to me this way time and time again. I've just spent the last hour trying to sort out your XXX. If you can't be appreciative and polite about it, you can sort yourself out from now on." And then leave and go home.

If you're not willing to stand up for yourself, stop complaining about it.

It's your husband's responsibility to help his parent. My MIL was the same - ungrateful, needy and a pain.

I foresee problems with your dh on the horizon when if you do step back

Block her number on your phone and leave it all to your DH. She is totally NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. And if anyone tries to tell you otherwise, they can do one.

Usually I would say something but because of my husband I have bitten my tongue.

This has gone on for long enough and I will say something the next time MIL makes nasty comments.

MIL is rude to everyone apart from my husband and FIL.

I definitely don't want to continue helping them as I feel as if it's not my responsibility, I have done it for 5 years and I am drained from all the negativity from MIL.

For 5 years you have Been doing this op?

Have you ever discussed this with a friend? Your family? It is sad that it’s taken a mumsnet thread to make you see that you don’t have to do all this and put up with this

What was she like when she was a bit younger? Illness in the elderly can cause personality changes. In elderly care, it's often what first alerts carers to UTIs etc. Why would they think bipolar and not age related neurological issues?

Usually I would say something but because of my husband I have bitten my tongue.

your husband is failing you. For five years he seems to have done bigger all to address this situation aside from having the odd word with his mum

Do you work op? I found when.I didn’t work or worked part time everyone thought I was their default Gofer, go for this, go for that, their tame help with this, that, and the other, a PA without pay.

“It won’t take you long, you’re not doing anything else, can you drop me off at the airport, pick some parcels up!” Until I found my voice and said No.
Why didn’t DH say “we’re here to help” instead of “She’s here to help”?
Whatever you do your MIL won’t start to treat you better so just pull back.

From what I have heard MIL has always been like this.

FIL's own siblings dont visit because of how she is. Last time they visited was over 20 years ago. FIL has to visit them separately.

The husbands/wives of the siblings have had the same treatment I have.

MIL is 70 and is in relatively good health, she drives weekly on motorways, is a member of various clubs, and very aware.
The family have suspected Bipolar for years.

Next time she's like that just say "why are you being rude to me? I've just spent 3 hrs helping you and I don't understand why you need to be rude"

Be upfront.

not your mother, not your problem!!! just refuse to do anything for them!

YANBU - maintain your boundaries.

You are seen as staff by her

Expect your Dh to become unhappy by your decision as more work will fall in his direction.

Let him know that he can set boundaries too or tell him that they need to pay for help. But it won't be you.

MIL is 70 and is in relatively good health, she drives weekly on motorways, is a member of various clubs, and very aware.

If this is true, why on earth are you doing so much for them? She can manage things herself.

Elope.

This shows every sign of running out of control. Who pays for what needs to be decided and agreed openly.

No one should be allowed to make assumptions and dob others into paying for stuff they don't know about. That's simply not on.

What it is also not is your MILs day. Step back from this craziness and decide what you and DP want. Then, and only then, work out who pays for what.

@Aquamarine1029 - it is smart technology, Amazon, online shopping, writing letters, technical things etc that she struggles with.

@TeaGinandFags - yes as the years go on the in laws will require some degree of care and help.

I guess it is something my husband will have to work out between himself and the 4 siblings but knowing the siblings it will be left to my husband to look after them as apart from myself he is the only one who helps them.

@Paltrypam - To be honest I feel quite embarrassed to discuss this with any friends or family as I know it is wrong how MIL has treated me.

In laws paid for my husband's private education, paid for him to go university, paid of all his debts in the past (before he met me) they help him whenever he needs it.

Because of that I feel my husband finds it hard to tell his mum things and is caught in the middle.

@Daffodilsandtuplips - Yes I work full time but it's mainly WFH and it's fairly flexible.
I feel a lot of pressure from my in laws as they don't really have anyone other than myself or husband to help them.

In the future I will be taking a step back and let my husband sort it out as for my own mental being I think it's best I minimise contact with MIL.

I have told my husband nobody else treats/speaks to me the way his mother does and I won't tolerate it any more.

"I feel a lot of pressure from my in laws as they don't really have anyone other than myself or husband to help them."

Well, that's the bed that MIL made for herself, isn't it?

It's pretty clear that she has been this way for decades, probably forever. You cannot change her. She is not capable of changing. The only thing you can do is change your reaction to her. She wants help? Change your reaction from your previous 'yes of course' to 'sorry, no can do'. You've spent five years at the coalface taking this shit off her and you are absolutely right to "be taking a step back and let my husband sort it out". You tried. She will always treat you like this. It's not you, it's her, as the saying goes!

Step back and stay stepped back, don't feel obliged to her, FIL, or your husband to deal with her.

I’m pleased you’re taking the advice from here onboard and taking a step back. It won’t be easy, taking that first step, but once you’ve taken it the next will be easier.
DH doesn’t owe his parents anything for his education. Good of them to pay his debts off though, but he certainly shouldn’t be offering your time to appease his conscience.
Some people don’t consider WFH as ‘real work’, I’ve got friends my age (70’s+) who have dd or dil’s who work from home and think they can just ‘pop round’ for a cuppa. My own FIL thought the same when I had a business from home, I had to hide the car streets away and lock the door to stop him visiting whenever he was bored.
MIL can drive so she can do her own shopping, hospital appts, etc. Buy her a book on computing for beginners, she can then do her own online shopping.
Keep up this resolve op. You sound a lot stronger than from your op.

How old are they? Why do they need help? If your MIL is capable of being so rude, she is capable of picking up the phone and dialing 111 herself.

Stop helping them. Stop visiting them. They are making you miserable and you are under no obligation to put up with their ignorance & ill manners. Your dh can visit them at the weekends. Otherwise they will just have to get on with things by themselves.

Be totally unavailable. They have only themselves to blame.