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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Undermined

75 replies

Lilypotts · 22/10/2023 08:26

My 2 daughters aged 17 and 13 stayed with my in laws for the weekend for me and husband to go away. On my way home, I found out that, on my husbands say so, my in laws let our 2 girls stay in our house overnight, with no adult present. I am absolutely livid that this decision was made without my knowledge and have argued with husband and in laws. I feel totally undermined. Am I over reacting, as they all seem to think I am?!

OP posts:

Hiddenvoice · 22/10/2023 08:39

I don’t think you should have argued with your in laws as your husband made the decision and he is also their parent so they were following his instruction.

I think it’s okay for the 17 year old to stay on her own without an adult and if she’s responsible then it’s maybe a good chance for her to have some one on one time with her little sister. I assume she’s confident enough to phone for help if she feels she needs it?

I wouldn’t have left the 13 year old on her own but if she was happy with her sister then I’d have been okay for one night. As long as they knew to lock the doors etc.

I think my argument would be the your husband kept this from you. Did he feel you would argue the decision if he brought it up?

ComeOutSun · 22/10/2023 08:42

The ILs had permission so probably assumed you were in agreement with their son. I wouldn't blame them. Strange decision though since they presumably enjoyed having them at their house? I know my parents would never have allowed it when I was 17. You and your DH need to make an agreement about this issue.

Original poster

Lilypotts · 22/10/2023 09:11

I don't feel my just turned 17 yr old is responsible enough yet, to stay on her own overnight, that's one thing but the fact it was planned between my IL and H behind my back, for a few days before going away. They all knew that I wouldn't allow it to happen and they must have known I'd be pee'd off after finding out. I wouldn't have know anything about it, if my neighbour hadn't txt me, to say they could see someone in the house!

OP posts:

HattieIou · 22/10/2023 09:45

I wouldnt argue with the IL they've had permission from your DH. At 17 it's plenty old enough. 13 however is another story. It's an issue between you and your DH.

KnickerlessParsons · 22/10/2023 09:48

But they were ok, weren't they. So no issue there. 17 and 13 is perfectly old enough to be left alone. I expect they ordered pizza and watched Netflix.

Main issue is your DH giving them permission behind your back. Although I expect he did it because he trusts the kids and you don't.

Original poster

Lilypotts · 22/10/2023 10:19

My DH isn't the most responsible of people himself! I know how responsible my daughter is, thats why I wouldn't leave her alone overnight, especially with her younger sister. It's the fact that it was all hidden from me, that's what's got to me more.
It's a decision that should have been made by myself and him, not him and his parents.

OP posts:

Homesweethome23 · 22/10/2023 10:26

Is there more to this? Why do you feel your 17 year old is not responsible enough to stay at home alone? Your dh and ils thought it was fine, did they do it behind your back to prove she is capable as you wouldn’t give her chance and are too overprotective?

Was they ok overnight? If so I really can’t see the problem.

Coffeerum · 22/10/2023 10:36

Your in-laws have nothing to do with this, it is fully between you and your husband.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 22/10/2023 10:41

The 17 year old could be going off to uni to live on her own next year so unless there’s a LD or neuro diversity you haven’t mentioned then I think yabu about her being home alone.

13 is a bit young to be left even with the 17 year old, unless the 17 year old was very mature and responsible, which you say she isn’t, so I don’t know think you’re being unreasonable to be annoyed about that.

Sirzy · 22/10/2023 10:43

A 17 year old could up and live elsewhere tomorrow!

do you have a track of being over cautious about these things? I wonder if the “behind your back” approach was a way of making you see that actually it’s fine. I don’t think many people would be getting a babysitter for a 17 year old (with no additional needs etc)

1990thatsme · 22/10/2023 10:45

YANBU but this is a DH problem. ILS had parental permission for this.

Aim your fury at him.

pictoosh · 22/10/2023 10:47

Your dh is allowed to make parenting decisions regarding his family. I think you're overreacting.

pictoosh · 22/10/2023 10:49

Interesting that your thread title doesn't relate to your fear, their safety...but you being 'undermined'.
Do you have to be the decider on things?

ConnieTucker · 22/10/2023 10:50

Was anyone else in the house with them did the neighbours know?

my 13 yr old would not be happy with this. They wouldnt like to be in the house alone over night.

the fact he lied and hid this, and conspired with others to lie, and got the children to lie as well, would have me raging at the dishonesty.

Cadenza12 · 22/10/2023 10:51

At 17 your DD is definitely old enough. I guess that they didn't discuss with you because of your reaction.

CurlewKate · 22/10/2023 10:53

@Lilypotts
I can kind of see why your dp didn't tell you!

What on earth do you think would happen?

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 22/10/2023 10:55

Considering your 17yr old could move out and live independently from 16yrs I do think YABU..

And I think a 17 and 13yr old are perfectly capable of fending for themselves for one night, learning disabilities aside.

HOWEVER, I do think you should have been told that's what was happening and it not be kept from you. Although maybe they thought you would over react 🤔

thermalvestwearer · 22/10/2023 10:57

This is on your DH. You and him need to sort it out.

It's not to do with your ILs.

DRS1970 · 22/10/2023 10:57

I understand your concerns, but personally feel it is an acceptable situation, except for you feeling undermined. There are 16 year olds with their own homes, so I would imagine a 17 year old is mature enough to look after the house and a child overnight

rockinginarockingchair · 22/10/2023 11:11

pictoosh · 22/10/2023 10:47

Your dh is allowed to make parenting decisions regarding his family. I think you're overreacting.

I agree with this he is their father your not the only parent.
Your overreacting big time.

Basilton · 22/10/2023 11:19

Are you generally over protective and prone to molly coddling the nearly adult aged child? I suspect you are. Perhaps they decided to do this to show you that she is perfectly capable of being left alone!

pinkyredrose · 22/10/2023 11:22

Why is your 17yr old too irresponsible to be left alone? Maybe you should be teaching her some life skills.

Original poster

Lilypotts · 22/10/2023 11:27

If you knew my daughter, you wouldn't say that. She has some mental health issues, that's a huge factor in my concern for leaving them alone really.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 22/10/2023 11:33

But why do you get to over ride everyone else? How is holding her back going to help?

Original poster

Lilypotts · 22/10/2023 11:33

Nobody else was in the house with them, they were alone. I don't believe my eldest is responsible enough to be left overnight with her sister yet, she also has some mental health issues, which is a factor in my concern. The fact that my DH knows this and planned it with my IL's has really made me angry.

OP posts:

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