Undermined

[Lilypotts]

My 2 daughters aged 17 and 13 stayed with my in laws for the weekend for me and husband to go away. On my way home, I found out that, on my husbands say so, my in laws let our 2 girls stay in our house overnight, with no adult present. I am absolutely livid that this decision was made without my knowledge and have argued with husband and in laws. I feel totally undermined. Am I over reacting, as they all seem to think I am?!

But not significant enough to mention in the first post. It is astonishing how often these details emerge when responses aren't going with the thread starter.

I'm sorry if I didn't give every detail of my family life but when responding to a reply like yours, well then I'll give more details.

You need to calm down he is the dad and your 17 year old is a young adult.
And at 13 is plenty old enough to stay by them selfs with a 17 year old.
Even on their own.
Your making a mountain out of a molehill.
As a poster said above you are molly cuddling too much.
They need to grow up and you need to back down as harshly as that sounds but its true.
Your husband has done nothing wrong neither have your in-laws.
You really are making this in to something its not.
What if the 17 year old is working and left in an office on her own you cant control everything.
They need to learn how to be independent.

Your 17 year old can't stay for one night on their own? Why on earth not?

Well it's pretty obvious people are going to want details because the average 17yo (which is obviously what people are basing their answers on considering no extra info was provided) should absolutely be able to spend one night on their own with a 13yo. 17 year olds have babies and live alone.

Without any background info, a 17 and 13 year old are fine to spend a night alone together, it wouldn't occur to me to arrange childcare for them. So what's the full story?

Everything turned out fine, you are the one making this into a massive issue!

I don't know why posters need to pick apart whether they think a 17yo should be responsible enough to stay alone. That wasn't the OP's issue.
The issue was she left the 2 with PIL, her DH knew she didn't want them alone overnight and still allowed it.

(edit for typo)

It’s kind of irrelevant if posters think a 17 year old can stay overnight on their own. They don’t know this 17 year old and the 17 year old was not alone, they were responsible for a 13 year old.

I would be pissed off too op if DH had done this and not told me. I would have been open to the conversation from him of ‘I think we should leave them overnight’ but not to go behind my back with his parents and decide something about our children, it’s not up to the in laws to help him make these decisions.

for what it’s worth I would leave my 17 year old overnight and possibly with the 13 year old too but I would want to know about it so I could check in etc.

Using the word undermined is very telling. What is the underlying issue between you and your DH that he did this?

Thank you, that's right👍I don't know, some people are so quick to judge, when they don't have all the details. I'll respond accordingly to posters tho and inform them with more details. I'm not an overprotective mother, I'm a concerned mother who knows that my eldest shouldn't be left alone overnight yet.

I think you need to ask yourself honestly why your husband, in-laws and teenagers agreed this plan amongst themselves. It strongly suggests that they all feel you are finding it hard to let your young people develop independent living skills, which are really important at this age. Instead of being furious or feeling undermined, open a conversation with them all about it. After all, your husband is a parent too, why should you be in charge of all the decision making? It would be excellent if you were able to tell your daughters that you are very proud that they managed so well, and sorry that you doubted them.

I don't understand most of the responses in here. You have been betrayed by family and it's appalling. Of course you have a right to know where your children are sleeping and also to know whether or not anyone is in your home. I'd be furious, too.

Thank you, yes exactly. I'm not going to give everyone, every detail of my family life. it seems to me a lot of people on here don't actually consider the bigger picture. I'm a mother who just wants her kids to be safe but most people think I'm overprotective, that's because they don't know the full story.

It's a DH problem. He is the parent too. He said it was OK. You need to accept its a DH problem, and find out why he went behind your back and lied to you

Most posters seem to be ignoring the fact that your husband went behind your back on this. And are blaming the victim. Weird. Hattielou is right.

To cook this up between the three of them is just awful. Really head-fucking stuff IMO. How would you ever trust your dh again?

Other posters don't know your kids and even if they were the most mature, capable kids on earth, your dh should still have discussed the issue with you and you should have both come up with a decision you were both happy with.

I hope the weekend away was worth it??? I doubt it 😟.

I suppose they didn’t feel that they could tell you for whatever reason.

This is terrible. Imagine if an accident had happened and you had received a telephone call to say there was a fire or burglary... you would have thought thank goodness your teenagers are safely with your in-laws.
You are the mum and you do the decision making, not your in-laws working with your husband to undermine your decision.
That's your home.
That's your children.
I would be arguing with all of them too.

I'm a mother who just wants her kids to be safe but most people think I'm overprotective, that's because they don't know the full story.

You were never going to get useful responses without including some background in the OP. Responses are based on the average 17 year old.

But that’s because you haven’t told them the full story. If you’d said ‘AIBU to think it was irresponsible of my DH to decide behind my back that our 17 year old with MH issues should be left alone overnight with her younger sister, when I believed they were staying with my PILs?’ you would have had a different response.

Reading your update I am going to make a jump. Is he down playing the MH issues? And is of you are coddling her?

Because if he left my 13 year old where there is a legitimate risk of the older sibling being impacted by MH, he wouldn't be my DH much longer.

Instead of arguing with everyone there needs to be a conversation.

You think the 17 year old isn’t responsible. Your husband does.

and there’s a reason he did it behind your backs you can either argue with everyone and actually not resolve anything. Or you can discuss it. Discuss. Not either or you making decisions unilaterally.

If you can’t do that then maybe you need counselling. Communication is clearly not your attitude g point as a couple and needs improving.

Blaming your PIL doesn’t achieve anything. The probably feel very in the middle here.

Thank you🙏I've said I'll respond to posters accordingly but it seems to me that everyone just enjoys being judgemental anyway! I'd be here all day giving every detail!

Ok, well it seems your husband and in-laws, as well as this children. Feel,your eldest is capable and responsible enough, and as it also appears everything was fine, then it seems they are correct.

plus the oldest is nearly an adult and should be treated as such.

It’s most definitely undermining.

It’s collusion, over quite a serious matter at that.

What were the children supposed to do? Keep it secret from you forever? A totally bad message for them, and example to them.