Undermined

[Lilypotts]

My 2 daughters aged 17 and 13 stayed with my in laws for the weekend for me and husband to go away. On my way home, I found out that, on my husbands say so, my in laws let our 2 girls stay in our house overnight, with no adult present. I am absolutely livid that this decision was made without my knowledge and have argued with husband and in laws. I feel totally undermined. Am I over reacting, as they all seem to think I am?!

You are the mum and you do the decision making, not your in-laws working with your husband to undermine your decision.
That's your home.
That's your children.

And her DH is the dad, that's his home, that's his children. It sounds like the reason they cooked this up between them is because they do not agree with OPs judgement and probably believe her to be overprotective etc.

Well you don't really want other people's opinions do you. You just want people to agree with you and if they don't you throw in a little bit more information to try and change their opinion.
Most people seem to think that your are right to feel aggrieved that your family has gone behind your back but also that there must be some reason that they did so and based on the info you have given it seems that it's because you aren't allowing your teenagers some independence and are far too controlling.
Be annoyed that they have done it this way but maybe a little self reflection as to why they felt the need to do so.

I am waiting for the drip feed that PIL's live next door.😀

Ignoring all other factors, of which there seem to be not a few, in your shoes my beef would be with hubby and I would be giving him merry hell.

Instead of discussing it with you, he went behind your back and that is what is unforgivable. Parents should be able to work together. For one partner to thdn sneak off to arrange otherwise breaks the partnership.

A practical solution would be to quietly explain to ILs the situation. That way, if it happens again they don't have the benefit of the doubt. As for hubby: you and he need to thrash this one out. May I suggest Santa puts a pair of decorative nutcrackers in his stocking this Yuletide?

Or if you lived in an area that was flooding...imagine if the police had phoned you and you had told them that you had no idea that your daughters were home alone. This is about your DH not bothering to even discuss his decision with you beforehand.

I think a lot depends on your partner’s reasons for keeping it from you, but I can’t think of any good or valid reasons.

It was either:

• sheer mindless thoughtlessness
• fear of confrontation or conflict
• gaslighty malice
• worry that p-i-law unable to cope??
• defiance
• low regard for your feelings

As others have said, it’s the communication / relationship with you and your DP that you need to look at.

So who caused all these issues? Are you all in therapy?

Not really the point though, is it? They went behind her back. That is what she is objecting to.

Is the house still standing, did she have a mass house party and the interior is now covered in vomit?

I'm a bit weirded out at the 17yr old not being allowed? My 16/11 DDs practically push us out the door. They just enjoy the independence of "running the house" however I have brought them up to be independent so maybe that's where its different.

Your DH and ILs clearly think they are capable and this is why the decision was made.

Is 17yr old still curfewed etc??

Yes

The decision was made behind the OP's back. It hardly sets a good example to the children, either.

How are people saying this isn’t IL fault?
They’re the people who was supposed to be responsible for looking after the children and lied and let down OP along with DP, they’re all to blame.

Not only that they have taught 2 children to lie to their mum and be sneaky.

I would worry about leaving children that age no matter how grown up they act, my 13 is very responsible but I still have to check he’s turned off the hob properly as for some reason he just doesn’t he turns it off at the wall, hob stays on.

Theres many little safety things I would worry about leaving him for the weekend, also how does anyone even know if 17 year old didn’t just go off and leave 13 year old alone.

None of that is being an overprotective mum that’s just common sense and normal parenting.

I’m shocked at some of these replies.

But if the OP is letting her worries hold back her children perhaps it was done with the best of intentions. There gets a point where sometimes you do have to do the wrong thing for the best reason.

a 17 year old not being able to stay alone over night in the vast majority of cases isn’t healthy and it isn’t sustainable. This is one where I would like to hear the other side of the story from the others involved.

This is on thr father for making the decision. Clearly his view, his in-laws view and the kids view differs to the ops. So what makes her right and them all wrong, when the older girl looked after her sister and all was fine.

so again, why should the op be the one to decide her near adult child isn’t capable.

Assuming the reason they were staying with DGP was because you specifically didn't want them home alone, DH and PIL know this, then YANBU I would be furious.

Yanbu to be annoyed that they lied to you. That is very undermining and it isn't right to teach the kids to keep secrets from you.

However, I would be reflecting on why they felt the need to lie. You say that your 17yo isn't ready to be left overnight. I couldn't possibly comment because I don't know her, but it's interesting that 3 other adults who presumably know and care about her don't agree with this assessment.

I probably wouldn't have left a 17yo in charge of a 13yo overnight, so I'm kind of with you on that, but I also know that a lot of people would be fine with this, so I would be open to discussing it.

Why do you think it wasn't discussed with you? Do you have form for vetoing plans and refusing to consider suggestions from your DH/DC? I can't see why they didn't just talk it through with you if you're normally reasonable and openminded about stuff?

I cannot believe people baby 17 year olds quite și much.

This ^

@Lilypotts

This was a decision to be made by you and your husband, not your husband and his parents. I'd be livid too. Do they often "plot" behind your back?

Sirzy I do see your point. Communication is key now for the OP.

Actually- I can easily imagine a scenario where the dp concerned wouldn't even think to mention it. Imagine pils ring him to say " Jane and Joan want to stay in your house tonight-is that OK?" And he says "Sure-of course." If, like many of us , he didn't see it as a problem, he could just forget to mention it.

@Frasers

Because the all made a plan for the children to stay at their grandparents house and if it’s all so fine and innocent why did 3 grown adults lie and have OP’s own children lie to her.

Would you seriously not mind if a you had no idea where your children are staying?
It’s not only that I mean I am just guessing here but OP must have enquired at some point during time away how the children are or asked them and got lied to.

I find it all very sneaky and strange.

Yeah id be annoyed at all of them tbf. Obviously there was a reason they were staying at their grandparents for the weekend. If they were fine to be left at home unsupervised then you wouldn't of asked grandparents.

How did it even come about for them to be at home, did they ask if they could go home for a night?

I don't believe my eldest is responsible enough to be left overnight with her sister yet

But she was/they were, and nothing happened (unless you forgot to mention that they burned the house down) so maybe you DH's judgment is more accurate than yours.

Why are people implying nothing bad happened therefore it's no big deal. That could be good luck rather than good judgement.

We don't know what DD's mental health problems are. If she's one step away from being hospitalised then I wouldn't willingly leave her alone overnight.

DD may not be a typical 17 year old.

I would be furious if DH thought it not important enough to have a conversation beforehand.

Sorry, I've just realised this thread is a month old. Hope you had a constructive discussion with your DH @Lilypotts and that all's well now.