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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be crushing on a married man at work?

58 replies

Throwapple123 · 22/10/2023 01:03

my work crush (M32) is married and I (F 25h am in a long term relationship. I am so sick of this crush, I just want it to go away! Any tips on how to stop this now?

OP posts:
Bature · 22/10/2023 01:04

Just have the crush. You aren’t required to do anything about it.

Airyfairy99 · 22/10/2023 01:10

Wife of 23 years, 4 kids (not yet 40) , chikdhood sweethearts etc etc STAY THE FUCK AWAY AS YOU WRECK A FAMILY ! I HATE MY NOW EXDH AND HIS AFFAIR TROLL. DONT lower yourself to be a family wrecker

Airyfairy99 · 22/10/2023 01:11

Dont come on here looking for validation to go ahead with your crush !

vodkaredbullgirl · 22/10/2023 01:12

🤔

Airyfairy99 · 22/10/2023 01:12

Im not yet 40 is what i meant

MILwoes1 · 22/10/2023 01:14

Please please please from someone who done this and got burned. It’s not worth it. Stay away. Please I know it’s hard but it’s honestly the right thing to do. You’re young and you will meet someone and get over this. To get over it put yourself in his wife’s position, how would you feel if you were a wife and someone younger went with your husband? Sending hugs because it’s hard but trust me in 5/10 years you’ll look back and think oh thank god I done the right thing x

Fionaville · 22/10/2023 01:23

You're 25, not 15. Of course you can stop crushing. If you fantasise about him, you are basically fantasising about being a home wrecker. Home wreckers never live happily ever after.

Wibblebits · 22/10/2023 01:23

Theres always a better man out there

HattieIou · 22/10/2023 01:24

Typical MN, someone comes on here asking how to stop it as they are sick of it. Gets told to stay the fuck away and don't come here looking for validation. Fucks sake this place!

shootingstar1 · 22/10/2023 01:27

A crush won't last forever . You are human and it's perfectly normal to fancy people from time to time . It will run its course and fizzle out (if u don't act upon it). My advice would be to keep your distance, distract yourself when he is around, and remind yourself why you are with your partner.

SleepPrettyDarling · 22/10/2023 01:29

Hot Priest: ‘It’ll pass.’

Rainbowqueeen · 22/10/2023 01:32

Be completely professional. No private chats, especially by text or email or WhatsApp.

If your workplace is very social, sit with other colleagues. Focus on making strong friendships with other people.

Focus on his bad points. We all have some. Is he a fussy eater, consistently late, always at work (so not equally sharing home duties with his wife ). Keep busy, keep away from him and it will pass

LadyTrunchbull · 22/10/2023 01:50

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Lithgow2000 · 22/10/2023 01:51

Throwapple123 · 22/10/2023 01:03

my work crush (M32) is married and I (F 25h am in a long term relationship. I am so sick of this crush, I just want it to go away! Any tips on how to stop this now?

These responses aren't helpful are they. I've been in this situation and it's so hard. I didn't want to pursue anything i just wanted it to stop. My advice is to create as much distance as you can.

Batnm · 22/10/2023 01:58

It’s easy to have a crush on someone because you get on well and have never had to face adversity together, heck you have probably never actually seen him in a bad mood. My point is knowing him at work is not the same as knowing him in a relationship.

Added to that, it’s very easy to get complacent in a long term relationship. All relationships have ups and downs, sometimes there is a phase we’re you feel more like friends than romantic partners.

You are not a monster for having a crush, you are human. Please take a step back and look at the reasons you are attracted to this man. Have a long, hard think about what may be lacking from your own life or relationship that makes this man so appealing. For example, maybe your existing relationship lacks spontaneity or you feel less desirable. It might be that the attraction you feel for this man is simply a desire for something you feel is missing.

Also, Google the term limmerence. Seeing your colleague gives you that dopamine hit, which makes a crush and any resulting affair like an addiction. Affairs very very very rarely result in a lasting relationship between the affair partners. It is far more likely that you will blow up your personal and work life simultaneously if you act on this crush. Plus when the excitement of a new relationship fades, maybe this man is just not as special as you think.

I recommend watching” Rece Affair Recovery” on tick tock. She gives practical suggestions on how to stop thinking about a crush. She talks in depth about limerence and the addictive feeling of having a crush.

renthead · 22/10/2023 01:59

I would just shag him and get it out your system. Once you've done that the novelty will probs wear off. If it doesn't then he might actually be a good match.

😂

I don't understand why OP is getting a hard time. I have had crushes on married / otherwise unavailable men while also being married / unavailable myself. It's the nature of crushes. I know this can be agony, OP. My advice is just to limit contact as much as possible. Don't give it oxygen. They always eventually end.

MsMarple · 22/10/2023 08:52

If you aren’t able to avoid him (or even if you are) then set your imagination to work for the result you want: picture him doing all the annoying things that have given you the ick about people before - clipping his nails on your sofa, leaving the bathroom in a state, or whatever it is you really won’t like. Maybe there are things he does now that would come to grate - weird laugh? Politics you don’t agree with? Look for faults and fixate on them until your feelings are more manageable.

JMSA · 22/10/2023 08:53

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Nice Confused

MsMarple · 22/10/2023 08:55

Also, agree with PP about fixing problems in your own relationship. What is lacking there that you are imagining you’d get somewhere else? Can you get it with your current partner or should you actually be moving on?

MrsSkylerWhite · 22/10/2023 08:55

Yes of course YABU.

If you’re unhappy in your relationship, leave him first. Infidelity stinks.

BeggyMitchell · 22/10/2023 08:59

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You're brave Grin.

Booklover23 · 22/10/2023 09:03

Crushes are almost always based on “the idea” of someone than who they actually are.

my guess is that you’ve seen a glimpse of something that’s lacking in your own relationship/partner and magnified it onto your new crush.

If you can work out what that is, then perhaps you’ll be able to move past it better.

Original poster
Throwapple123 · 22/10/2023 22:51

Thank you for all the advice so far. I wanted to emotionally distance myself from the scenario because it was becoming into more than just a crush… However, I'm beginning to believe it's never worthwhile. He's probably flirting and crossing boundaries with a few other women as well.

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 22/10/2023 22:54

Don't bother. We have all had crushes, but when it crosses my morals, hes married, relationship with someone else..or indeed if im attached or not its a no go. Breaking families up ..nope.

LolaSmiles · 22/10/2023 22:56

It's not the end of the world to fancy someone else.
It is a problem if you let yourself get dragged into blurring boundaries or doing mental gymnastics to justify it.

Remain professional with him, be friendly but not friends, and avoid social situations with him unless it's a group work do.
Then look at your own relationship and see what's lacking for you there.

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