To ask step son to treat sister with a bit more respect?

[Habel]

Ok so I know I’ll probably get bashed for this but basically just wanted to ask what are peoples general expectations are of how an older sibling should treat their younger sibling. I know siblings argue but it isn’t the arguing that bothers me. Just guess I’m more trying to find out if this is normal sibling behaviour?

I have been with my partner for almost 7 years, we have a 5 year old daughter and a 1 year old son. My partner also has an 11 year old son who we have to stay every Friday - Sunday. My daughter is besotted by her big brother, absolutely adores him - admittedly she can become a bit much as over excited 5 year olds can, but as soon as she does then we tell her to give him his space etc which she then does. I also get that 11 is getting to that age when they’re starting to become a bit to ‘cool’ for things. I just can’t help but let it get to me that he can’t EVER be nice to her. Not once said a nice word to her for about the last 2 years I’d say? Yet she counts down the days until he is here, absolutely cannot wait and runs to the door when I tell her he’s here - he walks in and she says hello and tries to give him a hug in which he just tells her to get off without even saying hello back to her. On the other hand though he goes to his little brother and makes a fuss of him. Then after that he goes on to his Nintendo and let’s his little brother watch him on it whilst I’m brushing my daughters hair, she looks over and see’s him having fun laughing with him and says ‘once you’re done brushing my hair I’m going to ask if I can watch too’ - I finish and so she runs over and just sits next to him in which he responds with ‘get out of my space’. I just can’t help but feel so defensive about the situation and just some guidance on if this is normal or not would be appreciated. She’s asked me in the past ‘why does he love little brother and not me’. Thing is I’m not looking at it through rose tinted glasses in the way that I think he wouldn’t dare find her annoying, but I just think to be SO cold to her all the time is surely a bit much. I did wonder if it could be a jealousy thing that she lives with their dad full time but then he isn’t like it with his little brother? I just know that tomorrow will come and they’ll say goodbye for another week and she will try hug him goodbye which won’t be reciprocated, he’ll tell her to get off and then go hug and kiss his little brother goodbye in front of her face. Just breaks my heart a bit - BUT is it normal?

most 11 year old brothers wouldn’t have much interest in their 5year old sister- especially greeting them at the door as they come home!

you seem to be trying to force a relationship rather than letting them behave like normal siblings would . If you back off then he might let things grow naturally . If it’s not too late

I’d go to town over this. What does his Dad say and do?
What is she learning about relationships?
Either he treats her kindly or you ship out for the weekend- I’d be telling her dad one more weekend like that and you’re off with her and your ds- Alton towers, grandparents, hotel from family expenses. You can’t allow her to be treated like this.

It’s not ok she is five he is being incredibly rude and showing favouritism is just mean. Your partner needs to seriously pull him up on this with consequences. It’s bullying.

Oh dear that was so sad to read. Your poor little girl obviously recognises how differently he is treating her in comparison with your baby boy.

Could his Dad not have a quiet word with him to see if their is a problem and why is he reacting in such a hostile manner when all she is giving him is her love and admiration.

I think the fact that your daughter is five and you met your partner "almost" seven years ago is what's at play here.

For right or wrong your DSS may see you (and in extension) your DD as a reason for split.

Also at that age (11) - anyone being too friendly and wanting to be involved in everything is likely to be off-putting.

Are you pushing this all a bit too much? You seem "over-invested" in making him like your DD (see first point - is there a reason?)

Also - does your DS like similar things to you DSS - are they being encouraged by your DP/DH to be "brothers" and your DH/DP is oblivious to fact that siblings come in different sexes?

What is your DH/DP dynamic here? What does he think?

He sounds rather unkind. What does his father have to say about it?

@Fidgety31 I do get that. Just surely a simple hello would not be to much to ask?
I don’t force anything! I sit back and let them get on with it, maybe the occasional ‘aw she’s just really missed you’ but that’s it. I just struggle watching it is all.

He needs to be talked to about kindness and how he might feel if was treated in the way he is treating his sister.
It's not nice and hes old enough to understand that.

Your husband needs to speak to him as his behaviour is not OK. Siblings get annoyed with each other but it shouldn't be so constant.

Does he maybe blame her for him not seeing his dad much? You've been together 6 years and have a 5 year old so I'm wondering whether in his mind he sees her as a catalyst of some sort.

@Lamelie His dad basically just blames it on being siblings! But don’t think it’s registering with him how much it’s actually affecting her, especially now seeing how much he interacts with his little brother. He’s had a word with him before but nothing has ever changed. I think shipping out for a weekend for some girly time sounds like a good idea thank you!

He does sound like he is being unkind but we don’t know the circumstances of his childhood, parents separating, feeling replaced, individual children’s characteristics.

5 years olds are exponentially more annoying than 1 year olds. And more complicated. And (I have both) pre school girls are more emotionally complex than pre school boys.

I have an 11yo boy and younger siblings. Our best chats are in the car without younger kids, or on the sofa under the duvet after littler one’s are in bed. Morning school bus run when he is fresh of mind is best. At these times he can tell me why and what he feels about stuff- siblings, being the oldest, being held to higher standards. All casual, not a ‘sit down talk’ which is guaranteed to send every pre/teen into defensive mode.

Going on what you’ve shared, he doesn’t sound like a bad kid; he’s kind to his baby brother… I’d be giving him some extra attention and trying to figure out why (you might not to look too hard) to figure out the resentment of his SS.

Going in like a tonne of bricks is, in my opinion, unlikely to see a turnabout in how he feels about his step sister.

I think it is bad character, to treat your sister like that. He should be taught differently. It would have hurt me so much if my brother would have behaved like that. Luckily he did not, showed me love every day. You are right to expect kindness. I also think you, together with your dp, should dive in to why he acts like this. There probably is an underlying reason like pp said.

Why are you not giving any background @Habel ?

Why are you also letting your DD feel let down by the fact that an elder sibling is not interacting with her as you feel he should?

I am not trying to bash you at all but think you are implying that DD's emotions are dependent on how she is treated (by male siblings) and I don't think that is healthy.

I think that is very hurtful and I can see why you’re upset by it. I’d have his dad have a chat with him. In general too about how you treat people, kindness etc.

@Frenchfancycat what background would be useful to know?
I don’t let her feel let down by anything that I have insinuated, as I’ve said I don’t know if this is just normal sibling behaviour or not - so 98% of the time I bite my tongue. I can just tell on my daughters face that it’s hurt her, or from when she’s made comments like I mentioned in the post.
Also not saying her emotions should be dependent on how he treats her, I just don’t want it to affect her in any way in the long term.

@Habel

The questions I asked in my first post at 22.12H

There seems to have been a quite tight turnaround in meeting your DP and having DD - do you think this may have affected his (DSS's) attitudes?

What does your DH think?

What is your and his (DH) family dynamic?

Why are you so invested in making this right for your DD?

Do you think you are trying too much (if so why?)?

I would suggest treading carefully here- not saying there is not an issue that needs to CR addressed, but I’d be careful as you could make things a whole lot worse if not handled carefully as I strongly suspect that there is a reason why he is behaving this way towards his sister. It may not be particularly nice, but there is usually a reason why children behave as they do. it seems like he resents her (as well as possibly finding her annoying/ not being particularly interested in her).

I don’t know why he might feel that way towards her- may be worth trying to figure it out (sensitively), if you can. Could he possibly associate her arrival with less time with dad, for instance? Your son, coming along much later, may not quite evoke the same feelings if that is the case. Equally, it could be that your DS is “easier” for him- little one’s are very different to 5 year old’s in terms of “input” required by an older sibling.

@IntheJingelyJangelyJungle Definitely agree that 5 year old girls can be more annoying than 1 year olds, but I do always always step in to let him have his space so he doesn’t actually end up interacting with her all that much -
He’s very much an electronics/gaming type of child, so it’s hard to get much out of him at times. Although definitely think what you said about car chats are a good time to talk! He lives around 45 minutes away and so will speak to my partner and see if he can try and find out if there’s anything ticking away and bothering him. And you are right, he’s not a bad kid, he’s never been physical, doesn’t get in trouble at school etc. And I do care a lot for him! I guess it’s just hard when you have to see one of your own get hurt though.
Thank you for your post, I’m going to speak to my partner and see if he can try to delve a little deeper.

I'd have no worries about telling him he was being rude and mean if I heard him treating her like crap. I'd do it with my own children, I'd certainly do it with step children as well. He is entitled to his own space and to play with who he likes, but he is clearly winding her up and being deliberately cruel and I wouldn't have that. He's old enough to be polite and say hello and be kind even if he doesn't want to hug her.

i wouldn’t accept this, she is old enough to realise her brother doesn’t like her. He doesn’t have to “like” her and doesn’t have to spend time playing with her, but he absolutely should be kind and treat her with the same respect he’d treat a friends younger sister or a younger cousin.
Saying hi, asking how she is, letting her sit and watch games with him etc - this isn’t asking much and whilst totally get that an 11 year old isn’t interested in playing with a 5 year old, an 11 year old is old enough to know that his behaviour is mean and hurtful to a young child.

Your DH needs to talk to him, you need to spell it out that no, it’s not usual sibling behaviour. It’s actually quite unusual that he is ALWAYS unkind to her. That would worry me if it were my child - demonstrates a serious lack of empathy.

@Frenchfancycat I guess it’s hard to say, as I don’t think that’s something he would even be able to register properly at his age just yet. It could of I suppose? DD was a happy surprise and when we told him the news he was very excited at the time, actually more so then when we told him the news about our DS! They also used to get on well when they were both younger.
DP thinks it’s just siblings and doesn’t see why I let it bother me. He has spoke to him in the past briefly to just ask him to say hello when he comes through the door but nothing ever sinks in.
My partner works full time. I’m currently on a break from my university studies until our little boy is old enough to start the local preschool so now a SAHM. Partner picks DSS up every Friday on his way home from work, drops him home every Sunday - used to be every Monday but he was getting to tired before school. I do all housework during the week but we share on weekends.
I guess I’m just invested as I’m seeing it’s beginning to affect her, I’ve been staying out of it in terms of not saying anything at the time but have raised concerns over it with my partner like I said previously and he’s had a word but that’s as far as it’s fine. I don’t think I’m trying to hard when it’s something that could affect my daughters view on healthy relationships with her siblings, yet also aware that if I do try to hard then it could completely push it to far in the wrong direction.

@Consideringachange2023 Thank you. I do think what you have said is spot on, my view on it completely!

You’re essentially being asked if you contributed to the break up of the relationship of his mother and father. In which case it may go some way to explaining the resentment towards your daughter even if he didn’t initially show it, it may have built over time. It does seem you are deliberately fielding this question.

He is being unkind though and needs to be told to make more effort. He’s punishing her for something.

Good luck with it!

My last thought… I’d be careful with your terms and language when speaking to DP…

You used the expression re you SS ‘I care for him’ followed by ‘one of your own get hurt’.

DSS is one of your DPs ‘own’ (just as your shared children are) and I suspect he loves him just as he does your shared children.

Tread gently with all. Blending a family is complex!

@BananaSpanner oh I must of been being slow, didn’t realise sorry! Definitely wasn’t the cause of their break up, they broke up when DSS was around 1 and I met DP when DSS was 4!