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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask step son to treat sister with a bit more respect?

66 replies

Habel · 21/10/2023 22:05

Ok so I know I’ll probably get bashed for this but basically just wanted to ask what are peoples general expectations are of how an older sibling should treat their younger sibling. I know siblings argue but it isn’t the arguing that bothers me. Just guess I’m more trying to find out if this is normal sibling behaviour?

I have been with my partner for almost 7 years, we have a 5 year old daughter and a 1 year old son. My partner also has an 11 year old son who we have to stay every Friday - Sunday. My daughter is besotted by her big brother, absolutely adores him - admittedly she can become a bit much as over excited 5 year olds can, but as soon as she does then we tell her to give him his space etc which she then does. I also get that 11 is getting to that age when they’re starting to become a bit to ‘cool’ for things. I just can’t help but let it get to me that he can’t EVER be nice to her. Not once said a nice word to her for about the last 2 years I’d say? Yet she counts down the days until he is here, absolutely cannot wait and runs to the door when I tell her he’s here - he walks in and she says hello and tries to give him a hug in which he just tells her to get off without even saying hello back to her. On the other hand though he goes to his little brother and makes a fuss of him. Then after that he goes on to his Nintendo and let’s his little brother watch him on it whilst I’m brushing my daughters hair, she looks over and see’s him having fun laughing with him and says ‘once you’re done brushing my hair I’m going to ask if I can watch too’ - I finish and so she runs over and just sits next to him in which he responds with ‘get out of my space’. I just can’t help but feel so defensive about the situation and just some guidance on if this is normal or not would be appreciated. She’s asked me in the past ‘why does he love little brother and not me’. Thing is I’m not looking at it through rose tinted glasses in the way that I think he wouldn’t dare find her annoying, but I just think to be SO cold to her all the time is surely a bit much. I did wonder if it could be a jealousy thing that she lives with their dad full time but then he isn’t like it with his little brother? I just know that tomorrow will come and they’ll say goodbye for another week and she will try hug him goodbye which won’t be reciprocated, he’ll tell her to get off and then go hug and kiss his little brother goodbye in front of her face. Just breaks my heart a bit - BUT is it normal?

OP posts:
WinterDeWinter · 21/10/2023 23:13

You need to set minimum kindness standards. It's very hard though. My DS resented my DD from the beginning and is also ND - his unkindness/'frankness' has had a terrible and lasting impact on her self-esteem.

BananaSpanner · 21/10/2023 23:19

Habel · 21/10/2023 23:13

@BananaSpanner oh I must of been being slow, didn’t realise sorry! Definitely wasn’t the cause of their break up, they broke up when DSS was around 1 and I met DP when DSS was 4!

Then I think he’s got no reasonable excuse for being so unkind. I have an older boy and a younger girl. He finds her annoying sometimes and they do fight but he doesn’t like to see her upset, will look out for her and is capable of enjoying her company. I don’t think what you describe is normal sibling behaviour.

needtonamechangeforthis1 · 21/10/2023 23:23

Just an idea but what about doing some family activities where they need to work together to succeed? Like family team building.
Something fun but challenging and away from screens. Perhaps high ropes, escape room for kids or even just a treasure hunt? Something a bit different that's interesting enough to keep Dss engaged and challenged. It still suitable for your Dd too.

cestlavielife · 21/10/2023 23:27

they broke up when DSS was around 1 and I met DP when DSS was 4!

So several ywars of being the sole attention? Then suddenly a new sibling....
You csn only finc put the why by your dp probing
Asking open ended, maybe he had siblings csn say "i remember growing up my sister was so annoying!" ....and listen to what dss has to say

CoraPirbright · 21/10/2023 23:30

V few 11 year old boys are going to want to have much to do with a 5 year old girl but surely a basic level of civility is required? I think your partner is doing his son a disservice in not teaching him that a tiny bit of kindness in these situations is necessary.

saraclara · 21/10/2023 23:33

I'm not sure why people are making excuses for him. It's not just that he's 11 and she's five and he doesn't have anything in common with her. He's being actively hurtful and unpleasant to her. Ignoring her when she greets him and constantly spurning her is deliberately cruel. He knows he's doing it and he should have been pulled up on it long ago, preferably by his father.

Siblings might quarrel or irritate each other, but his rejection is of a different level and is constant. His dad should recognise that its his job to teach his son good manners and a degree of empathy.

Frenchfancycat · 21/10/2023 23:33

@Habel Thanks for frank response - I wasn't prying but thought you were evading the "OW" question (not that it matters really)

I think you have a DP problem not a DSS problem

From the sounds of it he is leaving you to parent "all his children" whilst you are the SAHM

There appears to be some unresolved issues that DSS may have picked up on

What is his relationship like with his DM? Are you in contact? Is it acrimonious or workable?

Can I ask ... are you much younger than your DP?

sprigatito · 21/10/2023 23:34

Family therapy might help unpick why he feels so hostile towards her. Of course siblings squabble and he probably doesn't have much in common with her, but most siblings at these ages have some affection for each other and will get along some of the time.

I wonder whether he has subconsciously registered her arrival as marking the finality of his parents' split, and resentment has grown from this. It doesn't make sense to an adult because they split years before you had her, but children's minds are complicated. Some kids hold onto hope for years that their parents will get back together. There's probably also some jealousy that she gets to see Dad all the time. Again, he's probably not aware of why he feels that way; family therapy may really help.

Original poster
Habel · 22/10/2023 08:24

@Frenchfancycat If I’m honest, I think you must be very switched on to gather that from my post because I could probably do a whole new post just on my DP’s parenting. He’s very much a Disney dad I would say, wanting to be their best mate and leaving all the parenting up to me - which again then leads me to be ‘evil step mum’ when I put my foot down. For example no bed times, whatever food they want, endless screen times…he’d let them do anything if I wasn’t around. He loves being the favourite and it causes problems!

DSS relationship with his mum is good, it’s mainly DP in contact with her as both me and her don’t drive and she lives 45 minutes away so DP does all the picking and dropping off, so there isn’t much need for me and her to be in contact. It’s all civil between all parties though. She’s had a few questionable partners in the past where DSS has mentioned he wasn’t a fan for different reasons but now she seems to be with someone who he really likes which is good.

I’m quite a bit younger then DP, I’m 26 and he’s 35.

OP posts:
fgsstopbs · 22/10/2023 08:29

Please don't try and force him to spend time with her. My eldest is now 12 and when his little sitters were born on his dads side he didn't interact with them as much as his dad and step mum wanted and it made him resent going to his dads in the end. Things are better now but my son dreaded going to his dads. Maybe try and book an activity born children enjoy and can do together.

Beezknees · 22/10/2023 08:35

Saying hello and being nice isn't too much of an ask. He should be doing that.

People talking about "siblings" though - he may not feel that sibling connection, as harsh as it sounds. I do not view my dad's other kids as my siblings, I am not close to them and never will be. It's not something you can force and unfortunately can sometimes be the case with half siblings.

margotrose · 22/10/2023 08:38

My feeling is that the 5yo is very demanding of his time and attention whereas the 1yo is just "there" and not forcing himself on his brother.

It can be very difficult for adults to have patience with demanding children, let alone 11yo boys who just want to be left alone most of the time.

That's not meant as a criticism of your 5yo at all, but I do wonder if the her constant demands for hugs and attention are making him feel a bit overwhelmed and irritated, especially as you say he's a bit quieter and just likes to play his games etc.

Housesellingnightmare · 22/10/2023 08:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

AgentJohnson · 22/10/2023 08:43

Your stepson is being unkind and his father is a useless parent. If anyone needs a talking to, it’s his dad.

WandaWonder · 22/10/2023 08:43

He needs to be civil but that is all, you can't force something but no he should not be rude either

Original poster
Habel · 22/10/2023 08:56

@fgsstopbs We honestly don’t force him to spend time with her, like I said in original post I will always tell her to give him, his space. Little kids are annoying I do get that side of it! But surely it has to work both ways a little, she gets told to leave him alone but then he should be told to at least say hello when he walks through the door?
I think booking an activity like that sounds like a good idea though thank you!

OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 22/10/2023 09:17

He is 11 which can be tricky. Just started secondary school, dealing with homework, different friends etc. Plus he hasn't much in common with a 5 year old girl. I'd make it clear that he mustn't be unkind to his half sister, give her a hug when he arrives, but I'd let him keep to himself if he wants.

It's about that age that DS decided that he hated his sister who was 8. He was struggling with friendship groups at his new school and I think seeing DD pottering about without a care in the world was annoying.

We made it clear that while he didn't have 'play' with her, open nastiness was not acceptable.

We did what we could to help DS with friendships and entertained DD ourselves. We let DS go to his room and told DD he was busy.

By the time they were both at secondary school they got on well and chose to spend time together. They are great friends now.

MrsSkylerWhite · 22/10/2023 09:19

YABU asking him. You need to be telling him. Poor little girl. Comments suggesting this is typical behaviour of an 11 year old with younger sibling is not our experience at all. The opposite.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 22/10/2023 09:48

5 year olds are annoying but he’s just being rude. As you say, it’s fine if he doesn’t want to spend loads of time with her, I doubt they have much in common, but he needs to say hello and acknowledge her presence.

I’d correct him every time hen’s rude to her. He’s old enough to be civil. I’m sure there’ll be times he’ll find her annoying and tell her to go away, that’s normal for an older sibling, but that should also be balanced out by other nicer exchanges.

Beezknees · 22/10/2023 09:54

MrsSkylerWhite · 22/10/2023 09:19

YABU asking him. You need to be telling him. Poor little girl. Comments suggesting this is typical behaviour of an 11 year old with younger sibling is not our experience at all. The opposite.

They're half siblings. It's a completely different dynamic. They don't live together all the time, there are step parents involved. Those types of relationships are much trickier and more sensitive.

margotrose · 22/10/2023 09:57

MrsSkylerWhite · 22/10/2023 09:19

YABU asking him. You need to be telling him. Poor little girl. Comments suggesting this is typical behaviour of an 11 year old with younger sibling is not our experience at all. The opposite.

But they're not siblings.

They're half siblings who only see each other a couple of days a week - you can't compare it with a full sibling relationship as the dynamics are completely different.

MrsSkylerWhite · 22/10/2023 10:00

They're half siblings. It's a completely different dynamic. They don't live together all the time, there are step parents involved. Those types of relationships are much trickier and more sensitive.”

Fair enough, you are clearly more knowledge than I. Whatever the relationship, an 11 year old being nasty to a 5 year old in her home is unacceptable.

Beezknees · 22/10/2023 10:02

MrsSkylerWhite · 22/10/2023 10:00

They're half siblings. It's a completely different dynamic. They don't live together all the time, there are step parents involved. Those types of relationships are much trickier and more sensitive.”

Fair enough, you are clearly more knowledge than I. Whatever the relationship, an 11 year old being nasty to a 5 year old in her home is unacceptable.

I agree in that respect, it's just much trickier to navigate.

MrsSkylerWhite · 22/10/2023 10:07

I’d just tell him to stop and put sanctions in place if he didn’t 🤷‍♀️ It’s really not on, whatever the relationship. I don’t see why half siblings need to be tiptoed around any more than siblings.

ChokeToDeathOnThreePoundsOfMeat · 22/10/2023 10:08

I would stop being the "evil step mum", personally. If your DH CBA to address the issue, it's clear he's not bothered about discipline. You deal with your own DCs as you think appropriate, but follow your DH's lead regarding his son.

And if you need to remove your DD from the room sometimes so she's not exposed to your DSS' unpleasantness, remove your DS too. Your DSS will do neither of them any good as they get older, with such obvious favouritism.

I also agree you need to speak with your DH. He needs to step up.