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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask step son to treat sister with a bit more respect?

66 replies

Habel · 21/10/2023 22:05

Ok so I know I’ll probably get bashed for this but basically just wanted to ask what are peoples general expectations are of how an older sibling should treat their younger sibling. I know siblings argue but it isn’t the arguing that bothers me. Just guess I’m more trying to find out if this is normal sibling behaviour?

I have been with my partner for almost 7 years, we have a 5 year old daughter and a 1 year old son. My partner also has an 11 year old son who we have to stay every Friday - Sunday. My daughter is besotted by her big brother, absolutely adores him - admittedly she can become a bit much as over excited 5 year olds can, but as soon as she does then we tell her to give him his space etc which she then does. I also get that 11 is getting to that age when they’re starting to become a bit to ‘cool’ for things. I just can’t help but let it get to me that he can’t EVER be nice to her. Not once said a nice word to her for about the last 2 years I’d say? Yet she counts down the days until he is here, absolutely cannot wait and runs to the door when I tell her he’s here - he walks in and she says hello and tries to give him a hug in which he just tells her to get off without even saying hello back to her. On the other hand though he goes to his little brother and makes a fuss of him. Then after that he goes on to his Nintendo and let’s his little brother watch him on it whilst I’m brushing my daughters hair, she looks over and see’s him having fun laughing with him and says ‘once you’re done brushing my hair I’m going to ask if I can watch too’ - I finish and so she runs over and just sits next to him in which he responds with ‘get out of my space’. I just can’t help but feel so defensive about the situation and just some guidance on if this is normal or not would be appreciated. She’s asked me in the past ‘why does he love little brother and not me’. Thing is I’m not looking at it through rose tinted glasses in the way that I think he wouldn’t dare find her annoying, but I just think to be SO cold to her all the time is surely a bit much. I did wonder if it could be a jealousy thing that she lives with their dad full time but then he isn’t like it with his little brother? I just know that tomorrow will come and they’ll say goodbye for another week and she will try hug him goodbye which won’t be reciprocated, he’ll tell her to get off and then go hug and kiss his little brother goodbye in front of her face. Just breaks my heart a bit - BUT is it normal?

OP posts:

Beezknees · 22/10/2023 10:11

MrsSkylerWhite · 22/10/2023 10:07

I’d just tell him to stop and put sanctions in place if he didn’t 🤷‍♀️ It’s really not on, whatever the relationship. I don’t see why half siblings need to be tiptoed around any more than siblings.

It's his dad that needs to be doing this though. But OP has said he likes to be the Disney dad. So it's not going to go well. Dad needs to be firmer.

Gwendimarco · 22/10/2023 10:18

11 can be quite a difficult age. I think if you told him what she’s said (“why doesn’t big brother love me”) that could be a wakeup call.

I wasn’t very nice to my younger sister around that age, with a similar age gap. Looking back, it was sibling rivalry / jealousy. She was still a little child, cute and confident and all her mistakes were forgiven because she’s “only 5”, just as I was becoming spotty, awkward, self-conscious and “old enough to know better”, even though I didn’t feel it.

I was mean because I felt bad around her, rather than because I wanted to hurt her, if that makes sense. When I received feedback about how I was affecting her, I was genuinely surprised and ashamed and made the effort to change. I needed a few reminders from time to time, but I did try to be nicer.

Could be something similar is going on with your step son?

Whataretheodds · 22/10/2023 10:22

Habel · 21/10/2023 22:25

@Lamelie His dad basically just blames it on being siblings! But don’t think it’s registering with him how much it’s actually affecting her, especially now seeing how much he interacts with his little brother. He’s had a word with him before but nothing has ever changed. I think shipping out for a weekend for some girly time sounds like a good idea thank you!

His dad basically just blames it on being siblings!

That's not OK. Your OH needs to parent here.

I suspect there is something in your daughter being a similar age to the age your SS was when his parents split?

MargaretThursday · 22/10/2023 10:22

Fair enough to ask him to say hi when he comes in. Not fair enough to expect a hug. She's old enough to know that hugs need permission on both sides and neither side should be forced into doing it. Would he high five her maybe? Ask him nicely.

Again playing video games, 5yos are inclined to chat, point across the screen etc so I'd try and keep her from watching.

I'd do a bargain with him. He greets her on entry, maybe with a high five, then you keep her away from the games.
After he's played a bit, try introducing something fun that both a 5yo and 11yo can enjoy. Start with her and invite him to join. I found bribery of snacks while playing gave them the excuse to be able to come and join in without losing face.

It's not easy finding things a 11yo won't be bored, but a 5yo can do enough. And don't spend all the time "giving her one more chance because she's younger".
I've 7 years between mine and the 12 to 5yo gap was the hardest. The 12yo wants to do things the 5yo can't, and the 5yo gets bored, or you do things more round the 5yo and the 12yo is too afraid of their own dignity to do "babyish" things. Once they're 14yo or so they get nostalgic for kids things and it gets easier.

But if you push them too much at this point, it leads to resentment and you may not come out the other side for longer.

margotrose · 22/10/2023 10:26

MrsSkylerWhite · 22/10/2023 10:07

Again, this isn't the same as a normal parent/child relationship.

Step-parenting adds a whole new dynamic to the situation.

MrsSkylerWhite · 22/10/2023 10:27

Beezknees
**
It's his dad that needs to be doing this though. But OP has said he likes to be the Disney dad. So it's not going to go well. Dad needs to be firmer.

Yes, he does but if he’s not prepared to, no way would I allow anyone to be so nasty to my five year old daughter in her own home whoever they were. If dad and SS don’t like it, tough.

Too much pussyfooting around useless men on MN!

MarjorieStuartBaxter · 22/10/2023 10:27

My 11 year old winds my 6 year old up but she can be annoying it's just a typical 11 year old don't read to much into it just tell him at the time also it may be hard for him his dad ducked off and had more kids while he was young not saying he's acting resentful maybe he just wants some peace and time alone with his dad

gotomomo · 22/10/2023 10:32

I actually agree with your dp, he's behaving like a typical sibling, she's an annoying little sister and no more. It's fine for your dp to ask him to be nice, particularly when he just arrives but I think his behaviour is normal for an age gap relationship

Onhols · 22/10/2023 10:32

Is it possible that he’s jealous that he’s an outsider and asserting control over your DD the only way he can? And being nice to the baby is designed to emphasise that?

Lavenderflower · 22/10/2023 10:34

I think some of this may be typical sibling behaviour, however, some of this behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud. He may find some of her behaviour overwhelming. Perhaps you need to have a conversation with him about what you have observed and then explore why he feels animosity towards his sister.

gotomomo · 22/10/2023 10:37

My dp is 6 years older than his sister, she says he was mean to her when he came back from boarding school (aged 11) and wouldn't let her near his things, monopolised his dad etc - she says it tongue in cheek, they get on well but, 11 is a tricky age

Cotton55 · 22/10/2023 10:41

saraclara · 21/10/2023 23:33

I'm not sure why people are making excuses for him. It's not just that he's 11 and she's five and he doesn't have anything in common with her. He's being actively hurtful and unpleasant to her. Ignoring her when she greets him and constantly spurning her is deliberately cruel. He knows he's doing it and he should have been pulled up on it long ago, preferably by his father.

Siblings might quarrel or irritate each other, but his rejection is of a different level and is constant. His dad should recognise that its his job to teach his son good manners and a degree of empathy.

100% agree with this.

OP this is definitely not normal sibling behaviour. People need to stop making excuses for this. He was 1 when his parents broke up so clearly, you had nothing to do with it. Yes, he was his fathers only child for 6 years before your dd came along but that still does not condone or explain his blatant rudness and cruelty towards your dd.

Your dss should be pulled up on it. Preferably by his father. No one is asking him to be her best friend but he should be asked and expected to be polite, kind and civil.

ConnieTucker · 22/10/2023 10:45

dint announce his arrival or make a fuss. Have him walking in the house very, very casual. Like how you are supposed to act when coming home while puppy training. It is no big deal you are back and it was no big deal you left. Take the excitement out of it.

dont do all the parenting. Your partner should be parenting. Dont allow him to make you the bad cop.

go back to uni now. Dont wait for free hours. That might not work out as you want anyway. And if you get pregnant again thats career over for you. What course are you doing and how long have you got left?

ConnieTucker · 22/10/2023 10:47

Cotton55 · 22/10/2023 10:41

100% agree with this.

Your dss should be pulled up on it. Preferably by his father. No one is asking him to be her best friend but he should be asked and expected to be polite, kind and civil.

Show quote history

I also completely agree with this, but can see the issues are the father not the child. In my house he would not have been rude to my daughter and then gone on his xbox. He wouldnt have seen the xbox for the rest of that day.

cellarst · 22/10/2023 10:55

Your DH isn't helping at all here by allowing his son to be so rude. He's old enough to know greeting people isn't optional. He doesn't have to hug her but some sort of acknowledgement is needed. He's being just plain mean by loving on his half brother in front of her and it's going to affect the relationship between all of them. The unlimited screen time won't really be helping. Is there anything they enjoy doing together?

Frenchfancycat · 22/10/2023 16:58

@Habel

Oh lovely I feel for you - from the age of 19 you have but in an unenviable position as stepparent and mediator.

You are a young mother now as well as an experienced step parent who is being left to hold the family together while your DP gets to be the "fun one".

Is this what you really want? Will your DP listen to you and your DD's needs as well as his own and those of your DS?

Is he a bit sexist in favouring his sons?

I am not judging you at all - I became a SM at the age of 28 - it was (and is 30 years on) incredibly hard. I worry that (for want of a better word) you have been "groomed" to be the one picking up the family business.

What do you want for the future?

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