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Original poster

To cut ties

53 replies

Ninkynonkywoo · 21/10/2023 15:51

Fairly long back story but will try to keep this short.

DP & I split up 7 years ago, we reconnected 5 years ago and I have 2 DC with him and 1 DC I had whilst we were separated

My youngest DC dad chose to not have any contact and what's nothing to do with him, my ex and his family have been amazing in treating youngest DC like he is one of their own.

However , there is an event taking place in December where MIL is having all the grand children but refuses to have youngest DC - this is a common occurrence and have pretty much been informed by another family this is how it will always be going forward so he will miss out on any trips away she does, sleepovers etc

Whilst I understand he is not related to them by blood, and he s always treated the same on birthdays etc, I don't know if I should stop DC calling them nanny etc because of this exclusion, I have no family myself so this is all DC knows and I don't want him to grow up to think this is normal but I don't know what to say as I am also grateful DC is not excluded on birthdays etc

OP posts:
MrsPinkSky · 21/10/2023 15:55

This is absolutely disgusting.

She'd be firmly told by me and my husband that if she can't accept them all as her grandchildren, she won't be having a relationship with any of them.

It's cruel to leave the youngest out, what a nasty spiteful woman.

Arabellla · 21/10/2023 16:02

It all sounds very odd as you say ‘his family have been amazing in treating youngest DC like he is one of their own’ , so I’m not sure why they would exclude him from family events.

Is there something you haven’t mentioned?

Are you and DP expecting too much MIL in other areas like childcare, presents, money etc?

Coldinscotland · 21/10/2023 16:03

You walk away and take your dc with you.. Dh can go with you or choose his cunty family...

Original poster
Ninkynonkywoo · 21/10/2023 16:04

MIL will help with childcare for the 2 DC who are hers

I suppose I don't know how to approach it because I don't want to sound ungrateful for the fact they do buy DC gifts and things

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 21/10/2023 16:07

I'd their much of an age gap between your children? Could it be she finds the younger one too much?

Arabellla · 21/10/2023 16:09

Maybe she is worried she is going to have to provide child care for the youngest too?

Has she suggested the childcare for older dc or did DH?

No way should she exclude DC3 from family events but there must be a reason if she previously treated him like family.

jiinglebells · 21/10/2023 16:11

Oo it is tough tbh - you and her son split up, with 2 DC already and you were then apart for two years and then came back to the family with another child that wasn't your DPs - it's not really a normal situation and two years separated to then come back with another child is quite a lot!

Your child is included on birthdays and treated the same, but perhaps she wants something with just her grandchildren? I don't think your other 2 DC should be told to stop calling her nanny because of that tbh.

If your partner is happy to take on the third child that isn't theirs and treat them as family, that's absolutely up to them. They don't get to make that decision for everyone else though, it's lovely of the extended family to treat your third DC the same at birthdays but there might just be things that aren't the same for them.

Original poster
Ninkynonkywoo · 21/10/2023 16:11

To clarify, it's not regular child care or anything, MIL does not help with anything else (we don't ask) and DC go to school clubs and nursery whilst we work

It's only specific events that are grandchildren only DC has been excluded from - her youngest grandchild is 6 months older than my youngest DC and they have always maintained they will have the DC when they get a bit older but it's been confirmed now this will not be the case ever 😪

OP posts:
assignedferretatbirth · 21/10/2023 16:13

If I'm being completely honest I think it's too much to ask to expect them to treat your youngest exactly the same.

Of course they should get Christmas and birthday presents, but I wouldn't expect the in laws to treat them exactly as they would a grandchild.

It's a very unusual situation, far more unusual than coming to the marriage with pre-existing DC.

WeMustGetOffTheMountain · 21/10/2023 16:14

It seems a little bizarre that they would treat your youngest DC the same as their biological GC, then suddenly change their tune and decide the youngest is no longer welcome at family events... Do you have the sort of relationship with them by which you could ask them for their reasoning behind this? What does your DP have to say about the whole situation?

Original poster
Ninkynonkywoo · 21/10/2023 16:14

I wouldn't expect the other DC to stop calling her nanny, I was referring to my youngest

It's so tricky to know what the right thing to do is as I also don't want to upset my DC as that's the only family they know

OP posts:
CuteCillian · 21/10/2023 16:16

Is it a financial issue?
Presumably your ex is paying for your joint DC, so his DM may not be able to afford to take your DC particularly if it's an expensive treat (Lapland or similar).

Original poster
Ninkynonkywoo · 21/10/2023 16:19

Not financial - MIL took early retirement following a bereavement in her family whereby she inherited enough to never have to work again/clear mortgage etc

OP posts:
Paltrypam · 21/10/2023 16:20

I’m confused I thought the family had fully accepted him?

Paltrypam · 21/10/2023 16:23

I wouldn’t want any of my children near this woman and I’m surprised you’re ok with it tbh

Arabellla · 21/10/2023 16:41

It's only specific events that are grandchildren only DC has been excluded from - her youngest grandchild is 6 months older than my youngest DC and they have always maintained they will have the DC when they get a bit older but it's been confirmed now this will not be the case ever

This is a bit confusing. Is MIL also refusing to have her youngest grandchild as well?

Coldinscotland · 21/10/2023 16:45

When your dc start asking questions you direct them to that witch. I hope dh has told whr what an awful womm she is. That's her dgcs sibling she is rejecting.

Kittenkitty · 21/10/2023 16:46

I think it depends. Does your youngest consider your partner to be Dad? Call him Dad etc? If so then your DP shouldn’t be letting his family treat his child this way.

Honestly I feel sorry for the youngest, being treated like this at some point they’re going to feel like a mistake.

RantyAnty · 21/10/2023 17:13

What are the ages?

Is the event Christmas?

Original poster
Ninkynonkywoo · 21/10/2023 19:29

They are 9,8 and 4

No MIL has her youngest GC who is also 4 (just 6 months older)

Yes, DC calls DP dad - a decision made by him when he was younger and is all DC has ever known as family

The event is a long weekend at center parks

OP posts:
Piffle11 · 21/10/2023 19:55

Who is this other family who informed you that this is how it is going to be going forward? I think this will be the perfect opportunity for your partner to speak with his mother, and say, ‘X told us that you are never going to include DC3 in events…’

hotcandle · 21/10/2023 20:12

I wouldn't cut her off from her two eldest grandchildren. If she's good to them and loves them, it's not fair of you to deny them that relationship with her.
I wouldn't forgive a parent who cut me off from a grandparent who loved me.

Your MIL hasn't told you directly that she won't have your youngest. At the moment, you're jumping to conclusions and jumping to major consequences like cutting her off.

Hear it from the horses mouth first. Then go from there, but this is all very dramatic for having no solid detail on what has been said.

hotcandle · 21/10/2023 20:17

Also, she isn't your youngest child's grandparent, so all this shock at her not treating him like such is also a little unfair. She sounds like she makes an effort, but it's a lot to ask someone to form a bond they just don't have.

He has his own set of grandparents with his biological Dads parents. I would maybe focus more on trying to reach out to them to see if they would like a relationship with him. I hope they would jump at the chance.

caerdydd12 · 21/10/2023 20:19

jiinglebells · 21/10/2023 16:11

Oo it is tough tbh - you and her son split up, with 2 DC already and you were then apart for two years and then came back to the family with another child that wasn't your DPs - it's not really a normal situation and two years separated to then come back with another child is quite a lot!

Your child is included on birthdays and treated the same, but perhaps she wants something with just her grandchildren? I don't think your other 2 DC should be told to stop calling her nanny because of that tbh.

If your partner is happy to take on the third child that isn't theirs and treat them as family, that's absolutely up to them. They don't get to make that decision for everyone else though, it's lovely of the extended family to treat your third DC the same at birthdays but there might just be things that aren't the same for them.

I agree with this. Splitting for 2 years and coming back with another child is a lot to come to terms with. I would also try and see it from her side, if you and your husband split up she has no right to see your youngest again. It would be tough for me to allow myself to bond with a child knowing if you split up again that could be it.

Meeting · 21/10/2023 20:25

Everybody goes or nobody goes.

Don't allow your child to grow up feeling like a black sheep because this nasty woman wants to exclude a 4 year old.

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