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Original poster

To cut ties

53 replies

Ninkynonkywoo · 21/10/2023 15:51

Fairly long back story but will try to keep this short.

DP & I split up 7 years ago, we reconnected 5 years ago and I have 2 DC with him and 1 DC I had whilst we were separated

My youngest DC dad chose to not have any contact and what's nothing to do with him, my ex and his family have been amazing in treating youngest DC like he is one of their own.

However , there is an event taking place in December where MIL is having all the grand children but refuses to have youngest DC - this is a common occurrence and have pretty much been informed by another family this is how it will always be going forward so he will miss out on any trips away she does, sleepovers etc

Whilst I understand he is not related to them by blood, and he s always treated the same on birthdays etc, I don't know if I should stop DC calling them nanny etc because of this exclusion, I have no family myself so this is all DC knows and I don't want him to grow up to think this is normal but I don't know what to say as I am also grateful DC is not excluded on birthdays etc

OP posts:
usererror99 · 21/10/2023 20:29

Without knowing the circumstances of the split getting back together after "only" 2 years apart and coming back with a baby in tow fathered by someone who was clearly not the best choice I can imagine his family might have all sorts of thoughts (and judgements) and perhaps just keep largely quiet to keep the peace and accept the child since your new/old partner has until it comes to significant family events like this one. At the end of the day she isn't his grandmother and won't ever be and you can't force her to be. An unfortunate (not really that unexpected) consequence really of what is a pretty unusual situation

Original poster
Ninkynonkywoo · 21/10/2023 20:34

I've tried to reach out to my youngest DCs ex wife (she has his two half siblings) she has 0 intetest in them having a relationship and his DF parents want nothing to do with him either despite my numerous attempts

OP posts:
caerdydd12 · 21/10/2023 20:35

Ninkynonkywoo · 21/10/2023 20:34

I've tried to reach out to my youngest DCs ex wife (she has his two half siblings) she has 0 intetest in them having a relationship and his DF parents want nothing to do with him either despite my numerous attempts

Then why haven't you looked into your DH adopting your youngest?

Original poster
Ninkynonkywoo · 21/10/2023 20:36

And the messaged was relayed via my SIL

OP posts:
caerdydd12 · 21/10/2023 20:39

My last message was unnecessarily accusatory sounding, re-reading it I didn't mean it to sound that way. I should have said if his father has no interest in a relationship you could look at asking permission for your DH to adopt instead. This may solve most of the problems you're facing to be honest.

PrinceHaz · 21/10/2023 20:41

What is the event? If it’s something the older children might brag about on their return, I wouldn’t send any of the children as it would be damaging for the youngest. Otherwise, I’d just treat the youngest on the day of the event, take them out and treat them.

RandomMess · 21/10/2023 20:42

Do you receive maintenance for the youngest?

Would your DP consider adopting your youngest therefore making him truly part of his family?

Neverinamonthofsundays · 21/10/2023 20:46

You go as a family of five or you do not go at all. Horrible to leave an innocent child out.

Notellinganyone · 21/10/2023 20:50

I can’t believe people are condoning this behaviour. If that were me I would tell her that she will either see all of them or none of them. It’s absolutely unacceptable and needs to be nipped in the bud before your DC gets any older.

thermalvestwearer · 21/10/2023 20:52

I think you're asking a lot of her to take on someone else's child as if it was her grandchild, you split from her son and then came back with a baby in tow in 2 years

I would struggle with that to be honest.

She buys the child gifts?

Has your DP looked into adopting your youngest?

xyz111 · 21/10/2023 21:06

You haven't said what DP says about all this?

Original poster
Ninkynonkywoo · 21/10/2023 21:12

DP says he's feels his hands are tied because he's not biologically theirs

OP posts:
thermalvestwearer · 21/10/2023 21:14

But if your DP adopted your youngest that would make a difference? It would legally make your youngest a child of the two of you? I'm surprised he hasn't done this to be honest.

caerdydd12 · 21/10/2023 21:21

Notellinganyone · 21/10/2023 20:50

I can’t believe people are condoning this behaviour. If that were me I would tell her that she will either see all of them or none of them. It’s absolutely unacceptable and needs to be nipped in the bud before your DC gets any older.

It isn't the OP's choice, she can't dictate to her DH that his mum can't see their shared kids again. He has an equal say too.

Ezzee · 21/10/2023 21:41

Notellinganyone · 21/10/2023 20:50

I can’t believe people are condoning this behaviour. If that were me I would tell her that she will either see all of them or none of them. It’s absolutely unacceptable and needs to be nipped in the bud before your DC gets any older.

Really why?
Its not her grandchild, she's been kind with birthdays and Christmas etc but is under no obligation.
Why would you punish 2 other innocent children?
It is very sad and unfortunate but she's allowed that choice.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 21/10/2023 21:43

God this makes me so mad.

If my mother stopped me from seeing a much loved grandma because she got pregnant by another man and thinks the kid should be inserted into everybody else's lives, I would never ever forgive her.

Don't fuck up your children's relationships just because you fucked up yours 😡

Original poster
Ninkynonkywoo · 21/10/2023 21:50

Just to clarify, I would never stop the elder 2 from seeing MIL or want to change their relationship in any way shape of form

I Just feel so shit for youngest DC that he will never experience as much as they do /get to spend any time with them which he is itching to do!

OP posts:
caerdydd12 · 21/10/2023 22:06

Ninkynonkywoo · 21/10/2023 21:50

Just to clarify, I would never stop the elder 2 from seeing MIL or want to change their relationship in any way shape of form

I Just feel so shit for youngest DC that he will never experience as much as they do /get to spend any time with them which he is itching to do!

Honestly it's not ideal but when you rejoin a relationship after a relatively short gap with another child in tow there are things that won't blend the same way anymore, and this is unfortunately for you a consequence of that. Things may change as he gets older, they might not, but there isn't an easy fix here I don't think.

BackAgainstWall · 21/10/2023 22:50

Your MIL is a shallow and heartless woman.

In my book it’s one for all or not at all.

It will have an affect on him because he will grow up feeling inferior and worthless.

You really need to politely educate her.

Paltrypam · 22/10/2023 07:03

Ninkynonkywoo · 21/10/2023 21:50

Just to clarify, I would never stop the elder 2 from seeing MIL or want to change their relationship in any way shape of form

I Just feel so shit for youngest DC that he will never experience as much as they do /get to spend any time with them which he is itching to do!

I would feel shit that my older two dc have to spend time with this woman and I would be quite delighted that my youngest is shielded from her.

PawPrintsInMyPansies · 22/10/2023 07:14

As PP have mentioned, why doesn’t your DH adopt your youngest?

UtterlyButterly2048 · 22/10/2023 07:16

Your MIL obviously disapproves of what you did, but she is taking that out on a 4 yr old. Not something I would ever do, I think it’s heartless and cruel and unnecessarily divisive. She can do whatever she wants but it would certainly affect my relationship with her. Let the older 2 children go and perhaps you could do something special with your little boy, just you and him?

Daffodilwoman · 22/10/2023 07:38

I don’t think the mil is wrong. You can’t force your dcs on anyone. She is not their grandparent and might feel that you will not stay with her son forever. You have already split up, met someone else and taken the decision to have a child with that new man.
Deep down she might be worried about forming a bond with your child, you then splitting up again with her son, and her never seeing that child again. That does happen. Her son’s children are a different matter, she won’t be prevented from seeing them if you split up.
I would make sure your child knows who is father is and that his siblings grandparents are not his. Don’t pretend that your partner is his father as that is not fair at all.
You say your partner’s family are very kind to your dc. Take that, that’s good. Just make sure you explain the facts to your dc and there will never be hard feelings.
Thousands of half and step siblings go through this, it’s not uncommon.

whiteroseredrose · 22/10/2023 08:12

An alternative view - you say the you split up for two years and you had another baby to a different man. Then came back. That is all very bland and I doubt it was that unemotional.

I suspect there was a lot of family upset, possibly an affair which you and DH have decided to move on from. But your DH's mother won't have forgotten her son's upset, and your youngest is the product of all that.

It's great that she and the family treats him warmly, buys presents and celebrates with him etc. but he isn't actually her grandson. He will need to know his heritage as he grows up. (Please don't let him find out from DC in the street like my stupid uncle did). So start thinking about how you are going to approach this as he gets older. He will get to join in lots of things, just not grandchildren only ones.

Universalsnail · 22/10/2023 08:13

Tbh if these were my kids I wouldn't let any of the kids go. Everybody goes or nobody goes.

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