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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is dd taking the mess?

68 replies

autiebooklover · 21/10/2023 07:01

Dd came home from uni earlier in the year. Her and her bf went travelling for a few months. Got back mid august and settled in to a routine of staying with us 3 nights and his family 4 nights. (Although some weekends they visit friends).

Initially we didn't ask them to contribute as they were finding their feet. Dd now has a job earning 24k a year and her bf 28k. But they are wanting to save for a house plus do more travelling in the future. We decided to ask for a contribution of £100 a month. I made it clear this isn't rent it's towards food/gas/electricity etc. (her bf parents have not asked for a contribution)

since we asked dd has started sending me a shopping list to add to food shop (tbf I did say let me know if you want anything) so the list this week is-

3 salmon fillets
3 chicken breasts
Pre grated cheese
Pre grated mozerella
Ham
Bread rolls
Crème frache
Soy
Noodles
Passata

Plus they obviously use the bread, milk tea, coffee , toilet roll etc.

The thing is we only buy basic range and don't eat meat in the week in an attempt to keep costs down . So while we are tucking in to a lentil soup they are gobbling down expensive meals. It feels like they are "getting their moneys worth" but actually it's costing us more to provide this.
Do I say something or suck it up?

OP posts:
JupiterJan · 21/10/2023 07:05

she buys her own food,

WuTangGran · 21/10/2023 07:07

Why aren’t they buying their own food?

StormInaDcup99 · 21/10/2023 07:07

I think you just tell her you can't afford what she is wanting and that the £100 was to go towards what you normally buy and maybe a few extra bits.

Ask her to buy her own (expensive) extras so they will learn value of money better, as she possibly has no idea of food costs

Ragruggers · 21/10/2023 07:07

They need to grow up fast,very cheeky or just immature who knows.Tell them to buy their own food or eat basic food that is available.Dont buy anything on the list just explain you have a budget and stick with it.Perhaps they have no idea but having been at university they must have cooked.Good luck.

Poppydieu · 21/10/2023 07:11

I always charged my dc 20%. Still a bargain.
Just tell her that the £100 is for basics.

madeinmanc · 21/10/2023 07:17

Aww 😁 She's probably still not in touch with the costs of living. I used to eat really well even in my first job, so I don't think just the fact of having a job makes you realise.

Umm, could I have a couple of bars of Lindt 90% if you're going 😅

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 21/10/2023 07:18

Ha… tell her to get it herself

STARCATCHER22 · 21/10/2023 07:21

I’m not sure what you want or expect. She’s paying £100 a month (a £100 that you wouldn’t have if she wasn’t living with you 3 days a week) and you asked her to let you know what she wanted. She’s done that.
If you expected her to just eat the basics along with you all, why ask her to let you know what she wanted?!

Moving forward, I think you’ll just have to ask her to get her own shopping bits. I wouldn’t be surprised if they decided to move into his parent’s house more permanently though.

I don’t disagree with asking grown up children to pay housekeeping but you’ve set her up to fail on this one. Seems unfair to me.

SaracensMavericks · 21/10/2023 07:23

Hmm it's tricky because you did say that the £100 contribution was partly towards food. Maybe ditch the £100 contribution and let them sort out their own food (as it sounds like they're cooking separately anyway)? This would be a better "learning experience" for them too.

Planesplanesplanes · 21/10/2023 07:24

You need to be clearer with yourself what your expectations are and then communicate them with her. It’s your house and she will taking the lead from
you. She has just done as you have asked.

RoyalImpatience · 21/10/2023 07:25

Cheeky rude or maybe because they have not been in charge of a household yet they don't understand bigger costs.

Can't you just mention that this will be too much to afford and shower her a spreadsheet or something?.
I'd use it as a learning thing.

I've always talked money with my two and I hope they would know to add on to a list like that... Is this OK and I would be honest back as to why not.
But... I would ask for token rent at that age but would like to think I could buy food

RoyalImpatience · 21/10/2023 07:26

Yes tell her when you say ask for what you want... You meant what kg of lentils

CurlewKate · 21/10/2023 07:28

Obviously she should be contributing-she is taking the piss.

It does sound as if she needs to move out. "Gobbling down" sounds as if you resent her and you've had enough!

itonlyhappensonce · 21/10/2023 07:31

You're not helping them to grow up if you buy their shopping. It's not like they've got to do cleaning and life admin to the extent you do running a house, so get them to pull their weight looking after themselves more. They'll never cope when they move out otherwise.

Edwardandtubbs · 21/10/2023 07:35

Please just be really honest with her. I am staying with my mum temporarily at the moment (albeit different circumstances, I'm older and waiting to move into a house I've bought) and she just makes assumptions.

I have the opposite problem, she has very expensive taste and I don't, but she'll return home from Waitrose with the weekly shop including all sorts of posh stuff (and always too much food - the freezer is bursting, but that's another matter) and then asks me for half towards whatever is on the receipt.

The only other thing she has said she will want a contribution to is the electricity and she'll charge me half of whatever the next quarterly bill is. I don't affect any other bills as I am resident at my house - staying overnight regularly.

For the time being I am sucking up the food thing as she is being incredibly generous letting me stay with her when I would otherwise be faced with living in a place with no running water. But I can't afford this for much longer!

FusionChefGeoff · 21/10/2023 07:38

As well as hitting you financially this isn't helping her grow up.

You could either

a) charge rent instead and they buy their own meals. Still ok to use eg family tea / bread / milk.
b) charge (more!) for food but give her a budget for her list eg out of the £200 a month you can spend £100 a month on special requests

BettyPhuckzer · 21/10/2023 07:40

Scrap the £100

Daughter buys own food

You work out what 3 days x 52 weeks of electricity, gas, council tax, broadband comes to, and charge her that

She can live rent free as that's essentially what's happening now

Sceptre86 · 21/10/2023 07:41

Put her shopping list in a supermarket online shop and send it to her so she can see how much it comes too compared to the £100 a month she is contributing. £100 a month is a pisstake and I'd be telling them its time they moved on. I don't believe in the 'softly, softly' approach promoted on mumsnet. They are adults, it's time they were told to start acting like it, contribute at least £100 a week (which is still a great deal between the two) and if not them I'd give them a cheese grater as a present when they move out.

ohdamnitjanet · 21/10/2023 07:42

I’d be asking them to pay for the shop and cook for the family on the nights they are there. Then you can all enjoy salmon and chicken breasts. But yes, they are taking the piss.

MidnightOnceMore · 21/10/2023 07:46

She should pay a contribution to bills + her own food now she is an adult earning a wage.

SapphosRock · 21/10/2023 07:47

If my adult child was paying me £100 I wouldn't mind buying them salmon and chicken if they wanted it.

That shopping list comes to £25 max. I don't think it's particularly extravagant.

Ignore the request for pre-grated cheese though I'm sure they can manage to grate their own cheese.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 21/10/2023 07:49

If she’s just graduated she’s probably still in blissful ignorance to what life costs. Uni houseshare bill splits in grotty student accom, no council tax, etc, add up to less than real life living costs, plus she’s got the novelty of her first paycheque – which stretches far when you’re not paying rent! Of course she thinks she, and by extension you, can afford profligacies like grated cheese (is she too good to grate her own?!).

Sit down and have a conversation about costs and expectations, especially if they’re saving for a house: when they’ll need to account for buildings and contents insurance, home maintenance, an emergency “fuck, the boiler’s gone and it’s December” fund. Show her a breakdown of your monthly house budget and how £100 is really a token gesture, not a real contribution.

trulyunruly01 · 21/10/2023 07:50

They're taking the piss.
The two 20-somethings (a couple) in this house pay £300 a month and sort their own food unless I am cooking a family favourite and they're invited. They have their own little fridge freezer in the spare room.
They've lived here some years and when we formalised the arrangement I asked them to look a spareroom online and see how much a local double room with en-suite in a flatshare would cost. Then I asked them to take into account all the extras they would get as part of living in a family situation. They worked it out.
Then I halved that. And unbeknown to them, I put £100 away for them, it's a furniture fund for when they have their deposit.

Needeyebrows · 21/10/2023 07:51

You need to sort this out sooner rather than later. DD needs to buy her own food and 100 a month between two adults is taking the piss. Why does she feel that she doesnt need to contribute equally to the household?

When I lived at home aged 20 I paid my mother 360 euros a month and bought my own shopping, sister did the same and that was over twenty years ago.

Your DD is an adult.

Tiredchicken · 21/10/2023 07:57

you need to come to a fairer arrangement and you need to show her how much it costs to have a house. She’s a grown adult! it sounds like she’s continuing to live like a teenager with parents taking care of everything!
her and boyfriend need to contribute to bills and buy their own food. They also need to be pulling their weight (when they’re there) with cooking/cleaning.
my husbands parents did not prepare their children for real life and he got a shock at what it takes to run a house and budget it’s a disservice!
the way you’ve set it up with your daughter is the problem but it’s not too late to sit them down and talk it through…
otherwise you’re going to find yourself resenting them swanning off on fancy travels having saved a fortune living it large at yours!

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