Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is dd taking the mess?

68 replies

autiebooklover · 21/10/2023 07:01

Dd came home from uni earlier in the year. Her and her bf went travelling for a few months. Got back mid august and settled in to a routine of staying with us 3 nights and his family 4 nights. (Although some weekends they visit friends).

Initially we didn't ask them to contribute as they were finding their feet. Dd now has a job earning 24k a year and her bf 28k. But they are wanting to save for a house plus do more travelling in the future. We decided to ask for a contribution of £100 a month. I made it clear this isn't rent it's towards food/gas/electricity etc. (her bf parents have not asked for a contribution)

since we asked dd has started sending me a shopping list to add to food shop (tbf I did say let me know if you want anything) so the list this week is-

3 salmon fillets
3 chicken breasts
Pre grated cheese
Pre grated mozerella
Ham
Bread rolls
Crème frache
Soy
Noodles
Passata

Plus they obviously use the bread, milk tea, coffee , toilet roll etc.

The thing is we only buy basic range and don't eat meat in the week in an attempt to keep costs down . So while we are tucking in to a lentil soup they are gobbling down expensive meals. It feels like they are "getting their moneys worth" but actually it's costing us more to provide this.
Do I say something or suck it up?

OP posts:
Tiredchicken · 21/10/2023 07:58

Oh and more importantly her and boyfriend will struggle massively to actually budget and pay for household when they eventually move out!

Thatnameistaken · 21/10/2023 07:59

Good grief, they have a higher income between them than our household!
Of course they should be buying their own food AND contributing to bills. If his parents are happy to fund their lifestyle let them move in there full time.
They're totally taking the piss

madeinmanc · 21/10/2023 08:00

Having read later posts I agree that you probably weren't clear enough and she has actually done what you asked.

DoozieDoh · 21/10/2023 08:03

You are asking us if you should buy them salmon and lentil soup for yourself because they give you £100 a month?

Of course you shouldn't. You can't afford to house two additional adults three nights a week for no money.

KeyWorker · 21/10/2023 08:04

I think it’s fine to say that the £100 is for electricity/water/council tax etc and they will have to do their own food shopping. I think they also need to be pulling their weight with housework. I would also consider upping the £100 to £150-200/month. Having 2 of them 3 days a week is like one person 6 days a week.

payriseday · 21/10/2023 08:04

Combined income of over £50k and you're putting up with this? If all you buy is basics then it will be patently obvious that you're struggling to this pair every time they open your fridge. You don't need to shop for them because they obviously aren't eating the same as you, or with you.
Sit yourself down and work out how much money they are taking home every month. Then get a bloody grip and talk to them together. Tell them money is really tight (in case they hadn't noticed) and while you are happy for them to be saving for the future, they can't really do it at your expense. So you've worked out x - a more realistic figure - that you'd like them to pay monthly, and buy their own food. Not the flat cost of fuel - add a bit more for the fact that you'll be maintaining and cleaning shared spaces. If they paid you £400 pcm for 'rent' also to his family they would still be pretty much rolling in it compared to you.
If they don't like it they can move out. You know you're going to subsidise their lives and watch them enjoying great food, nice clothes, lovely nights out and fantastic holidays don't you? You've even mentioned their plans to travel in your post.
It's fuckin' ridiculous to tell Op to let these two adults live with her for nearly half the week rent free.

samepasswordforall1 · 21/10/2023 09:12

They are fully functioning adults and you won't be doing them any favours with the way this is panning out. I don't think it has anything to do with how much income you have, how wealthy or poor you are, it's just not adequate parenting to continue to treat adults as children once they are earning.
So they pay a quarter of all household bills ( should be half but they are only there half the week) So that's half of gas, electric, internet, water and council tax.
They then purchase all their food and pay a small amount towards loo roll, washing powder, milk etc

madeinmanc · 21/10/2023 09:17

Maybe they "should' be paying all those bills but in reality no-one's going to afford a house deposit that way any more, unless there's family support. If you want them on the housing ladder and out of your home they need to put as much as possible into saving for a house. That's how it is now.

Didimum · 21/10/2023 09:23

Wow. This is so ridiculous and there’s no way I’d put up with this from two adults earning £52k between them.

Time for her to come back down to earth. Split your utilities equally between whoever lives in the house, proportionate to how many days they stay and charge them that. She definitely buys her own food.

muchalover · 21/10/2023 09:24

I will never understand why people infantalise their children with paying their way. My son pays £700 a month to live at my house.

He has pets and I don't do any care for them, he does all his own washing and most of the cooking. I do the majority of cleaning and he works in the garden with me.

We are adults and share the cost of living. He saves and recently bought a good used car for cash.

I raised adults not children.

Didimum · 21/10/2023 09:25

madeinmanc · 21/10/2023 09:17

Maybe they "should' be paying all those bills but in reality no-one's going to afford a house deposit that way any more, unless there's family support. If you want them on the housing ladder and out of your home they need to put as much as possible into saving for a house. That's how it is now.

Which might be understandable if they also weren’t saving up to go travelling … again.

Tinkerbyebye · 21/10/2023 09:26

Sorry the £100 a month isn’t going to cover food if that’s what they want each week. So I would be pushing back. Be honest you can’t afford it the £100 is to cover heat, elec etc. if they want rood like that they buy their own. Give them a cupboard and a shelf in the fridge they get their own food and prep it as well

Createausername1970 · 21/10/2023 09:28

My adult DS is currently working and although it's a low wage, and he couldn't live independently on it (he gets between 1200 and 1600 a month depending on his shifts) it's still a lot for living at home, so he is contributing £400 a month to the household. I have shown him how much we pay for council tax, water, gas, electricity, food, pet insurance (he wanted the dog) etc.

Up until very recently we were giving him pocket money and paying £75 a week for driving lessons. And will do again if the situation changes.

So at the very least, your DD should be paying her way if she can afford to do so. And if she can't, then out go the salmon steaks and in come the fish fingers.

payriseday · 21/10/2023 09:33

madeinmanc · 21/10/2023 09:17

Maybe they "should' be paying all those bills but in reality no-one's going to afford a house deposit that way any more, unless there's family support. If you want them on the housing ladder and out of your home they need to put as much as possible into saving for a house. That's how it is now.

This is complete rubbish. £52k a year they don't need that much 'family support', particularly when family can't afford it. They are letting Op take just £1200 per year from them, which is a derisory amount.
Just imagine if they allowed themselves around half their take home pay for things like clothes, food, holidays and small rents to parents... you're looking at them potentially being able to save around £20k per year with very little effort. Imagine how that could look if they don't go on holiday for a year, and were to be careful with spending - they could save even more. No need for family to do anything more to support them than offer them a reasonably priced roof over their heads.

Woollymonster · 21/10/2023 09:35

So you have two adults, earning £52,000 between them, staying in your heated house, having the use of bathroom, kitchen and laundry facilities, for the sum of £25 a week between them?
And you do their food shopping???

Pourmeanotherwine · 21/10/2023 09:36

I've had this conversation with DD who is currently in year3 at uni, as one of her options for next year is a masters at our local uni.
We thought we wouldn't charge rent but she would buy and cook her own food. She often cooks separately when she's home anyway, as she is vegan and we're not.
I guess if she was working we might ask for a contribution towards household basics as well ( loo roll, washing up liquid, etc).

madeinmanc · 21/10/2023 09:54

Well people I know don't charge their children full rent, just contributions to bills. It does seem to depend on whether you're working class or middle class, though. Middle class parents rarely charge full rent, it's just not the done thing, but then people come on here raging about it 😂

rainbowstardrops · 21/10/2023 09:55

I think the waters got muddied when you said the £100 was towards food/bills etc and you asked her to let you know if they want anything. She's either taking that literally, or they're being CF's.
I'd be saying you'll cook xyz dinners this week and if they want salmon and chicken and less basic stuff then that's down to them to buy.

madeinmanc · 21/10/2023 10:00

I love these threads, it brings out all the people saying "my children worked down the mines and slept on a flattened cardboard box and I still charged them 1000 pounds a month" 🤣

DoozieDoh · 21/10/2023 10:03

madeinmanc · 21/10/2023 09:17

Maybe they "should' be paying all those bills but in reality no-one's going to afford a house deposit that way any more, unless there's family support. If you want them on the housing ladder and out of your home they need to put as much as possible into saving for a house. That's how it is now.

Then they can't afford to eat meat either. Same as the OP. The young couple can't afford to eat salmon, save up for a home and traveling.

Hibambinos · 21/10/2023 10:03

I would say you’ve thought about it, and from now on it’s £40 each a month for bills and they buy their own food. Still an absolute bargain.

SaracensMavericks · 21/10/2023 10:05

SapphosRock · 21/10/2023 07:47

If my adult child was paying me £100 I wouldn't mind buying them salmon and chicken if they wanted it.

That shopping list comes to £25 max. I don't think it's particularly extravagant.

Ignore the request for pre-grated cheese though I'm sure they can manage to grate their own cheese.

The £100 is per month though. So if this shopping list is a typical weekly request then that leaves nothing towards bills.

Shinyandnew1 · 21/10/2023 10:10

The thing is we only buy basic range and don't eat meat in the week in an attempt to keep costs down . So while we are tucking in to a lentil soup they are gobbling down expensive meals.

Sorry, but this is crazy..why on earth haven’t you said anything already??

TheHoover · 21/10/2023 10:12

It sounds like you are on a budget so it simply boils down to the fact that your budget cannot stretch to these items.

show her your budget sheet so she can see all your outgoings and where her £100 is contributing. Then come to an arrangement on what the £100 covers eg all bills and utilities, household / cleaning items and store cupboard and fridge basics.

Dont buy anything extra for them that you wouldn’t have bought anyway and if she wants to have different meals from you then she buys the ingredients and cooks the meals herself. I wouldn’t even get in the habit of going to the supermarket for her - finding time to do this around busy day jobs
is something we all have to learn to do.

Floralnomad · 21/10/2023 10:15

Just tell her if she wants specific food then she needs to buy it otherwise she’s welcome to what you have in .

Swipe left for the next trending thread