Is dd taking the mess?

[autiebooklover]

Dd came home from uni earlier in the year. Her and her bf went travelling for a few months. Got back mid august and settled in to a routine of staying with us 3 nights and his family 4 nights. (Although some weekends they visit friends).

Initially we didn't ask them to contribute as they were finding their feet. Dd now has a job earning 24k a year and her bf 28k. But they are wanting to save for a house plus do more travelling in the future. We decided to ask for a contribution of £100 a month. I made it clear this isn't rent it's towards food/gas/electricity etc. (her bf parents have not asked for a contribution)

since we asked dd has started sending me a shopping list to add to food shop (tbf I did say let me know if you want anything) so the list this week is-

3 salmon fillets
3 chicken breasts
Pre grated cheese
Pre grated mozerella
Ham
Bread rolls
Crème frache
Soy
Noodles
Passata

Plus they obviously use the bread, milk tea, coffee , toilet roll etc.

The thing is we only buy basic range and don't eat meat in the week in an attempt to keep costs down . So while we are tucking in to a lentil soup they are gobbling down expensive meals. It feels like they are "getting their moneys worth" but actually it's costing us more to provide this.
Do I say something or suck it up?

The 100 quid will just cover utilities. Tell her if she wants extra food apart from basics. She buys them herself.

Wouldn't most of us feel uncomfortable cooking salmon fillets and chicken breasts and eating them in front of hosts on budget lentil soup, regardless of the larger debate ? They can’t not know it’s for budget reasons can they really ? That’s the sort of things I may do with my v. little one, buy them the meat and skip it myself, they wouldn’t notice obviously.
Why everything x3 btw if there’s only two of them ?

Id show them a spreadsheet of your finances, including the food shop. Hopefully it’s miscommunication and they understand. I’d let them either eat family meals (and explain adding things to the list means do you want a particular snack, not an actual extra meal) and maybe meal plan together, or independently buy their own. Spreadsheet is your friend I think.

They are still using facilities such as heating, water, electricity etc so £100 is nothing for both of them.

They need to buy some food if it is different to what you provide

You need to be 'unable' to go shopping for a couple of weeks... give them your normal shopping list and your normal budget and let them get on with it.
A little practical experience goes a long way.
They probably have no idea of the cost of shopping if they dont actually do any..
Other than that, sit them BOTH down and have an honest conversation.. you know.... like adults....

Why wouldn't you say something? It's your dd, if you can't be upfront with her how can you be with anyone?

@Sceptre86
Highly disagree with this. Fair enough, they should be buying their own shopping but OP should have made it clear it's a few bits not a whole bloody list. You will be telling them to 'move on'? This is what I don't understand, fair enough the boyfriend but that's her daughter. Why do you people think that once your child reaches 18 they should automatically stand on their own two feet - it's ridiculous. It was OP's choice to have kids and you're essentially saying sling them out as soon as she turns into an adult? Ridiculous. They want to get on the property ladder and as a parent thats the least you can do to help your child succeed.

OP, be honest with them. Explain that they buy their own food and pay the £100 towards the running of the house. If you can afford it, you should maybe try and put the money they gave you away in an ISA. when they are ready to buy the house, give it back to them.

More food envy 😂

😂😂😂

They can buy their own food. Our youngest, 20, in last year at uni, lives with us, works part time. Contributes £100 each month and buys any food outside of the norm that he particularly wants.

They earn 52k between them and are only paying your £100 per month?

I lived at home in my twenties, earned much less than 52k and paid £250 a month, as well as for any extra food I wanted that wasn't part of my parents' regular shop.

Yes, she's taking the piss but you're also enabling her to do so.

Maybe point out that the £100 was a contribution to utilities, and the food you already supply. If they want anything over and above, they buy it.

I think its spectacularly cheeky, even if you haven't explained to her how much they are costing you... by her age she should have realised this for herself.

However, as it seems you haven't, I do think you should explain the costs and ask her what she suggests she pay, and see if it comes near a reasonable amount!

Thank you everyone taking replies on board

If you're uncomfortable increasing the rent, maybe just stop buying their extras.

I would be asking them for regular updates on how much they have saved for a house deposit. A year of saving ought to be enough for a small 2 bed.

The sooner they buy the better. Saving for a larger than 10% deposit at the expense of everyone else is unreasonable if money is tight yourselves.

When I worked full time I had to pay my parents £250 month dig money when living with them. This contributed towards food and utilities. That was almost 20 years ago.

But they are wanting to save for a house plus do more travelling in the future.

Well I'm sure there are plenty of things you want, too!

Time for them to grow up. They should buy their own food and each pay at least £100 pm towards bills.

But they are wanting to save for a house plus do more travelling in the future”

Aw, diddums, bless! Then of course they should live almost gratis.

This is bloody ridiculous OP.

£53k between them and their sole outgoing is £12.50 a week each.

And it doesn't sound like you can afford to subsidise them.

£12.50 each will barely cover the increase in utilities. Never mind tea coffee loo roll and all the other basics.

They are massively taking the piss.