To be fucked off at accusations of hothousing?

[Sunshinebuttercupsrainbows]

My son is 7 and has SEN, he goes to a special school. It was a huge fight to get him in there and is now thriving socially, emotionally and academically to the extent he’s now working a year ahead in maths and two years ahead in reading and comprehension.

I’m part of a community of parents with children with SEN, many of whom home educate because the system is just not set up for their children. Many of these are my closest friends but there are certainly some that are more like just acquaintances.

My son was out of school for a while before I was able to get him into his current school so I did a lot of educating him at home. Because this became our norm, we still do a lot of it now. He doesn’t get homework from school so it’s not in addition to that, it’s usually just 30 minutes before bed of some maths and reading comprehension sheets off of twinkl before we do bedtime stories. He doesn’t complain and is currently enjoying it, when it becomes a battle I’ll probably stop because life is too short!

Anyway, I had some good news about his learning that I shared with my friends after school today. One of them then posted in the bigger group chat congratulating my son on his efforts and achievement.

One woman in the chat that I’m not particularly close with then said “Well done, hardly surprising though the amount of work you make him do, big believer here that kids needs to be kids rather than being hothoused but each to their own!”.

I’m fuming. I have only shared what I do with him because other members of the group have asked for advice. I’ve never once bragged about his achievements to this group (I absolutely do to my close friends as we all do and we all celebrate our children’s successes because we love and support each other!). If anything I’m extra cautious not to be braggy or patronising.

My son has had such a difficult journey so far with his education and to be honest with personal life too that I’m so angry to be told that I’m not letting him just be a kid! He does so much socially, has great friends and spends lots of time playing with them and being out in nature, lots of screen time too so I’m definitely not a role model parent by any means. But I’m gutted that his success has been put down to me hothousing him!!!

It screams of somebody who either thinks they are failing themselves (classic mum guilt) or feels insecure about their own child's abilities because they have a tendency to compare, which is a shame but there's no need to put you down. I would probably ask her to her face why she felt the need to piss on your parade and watch her squirm!

I find the insecurity can sometimes be how little time they have for doing stuff like this too.

Honestly says so much more about her than you though, OP.

Ignore her. She's an idiot.

You and DS are doing what works, and you're both happy.

I'm delighted for you (also have a child with SEN so I can guess just how hard you have worked to get to this point).

Sometimes a deafening silence is more eloquent than words

Just thank the original commenter and ignore the idiot.

Or double down and say "now he's achieved this, we're adding an extra hour a night to ready him for Oxbridge" 😂

@Sunshinebuttercupsrainbows
Just think about it as people sharing information and ideas. Her opinion does not alter your son's life or your routine in anyway. The outcomes that your son is experiencing should validation enough. I would not be annoyed with her. I would just dismiss it as her opinion. Not everyone will agree with you and your methodologies, but you are not doing it for external agreement or validation.

Congratulations for finding a system that seems to be working well for your son.

Her comments say more about her than they do about you... smile sweetly and sail on.
Dignity is a powerful statement in itself.
You sound like a great Mum, proud of your amazing boy.
You do you.x

Being an sen parent is difficult. I must admit I struggle inside when I hear of how academically wonderful other sen children are doing - wouldn't comment though as that's petty. My own have learning disabilities so all learning is a slog for them, with meltdowns over any homework etc.

I'd ignore and rise above. Its easy to take cheap shots to try and make yourself feel better, like that other parent did

Ihnore
everyone else can see she's being a cow

Well done your son. He sounds like he is flying.

Silence is so much better in situations like this, it’s taken me years to learn that.

The minute you bite back, it looks like you have a case to answer and also that she has needled you. Grey rock dignified silence all the way.

it works in all sorts of scenarios and totally takes the wind out of troublemakers’ sails.

Yes yes ignore and rise above is the right response.

But I'd love to pop the Derry Girls gif of Sister Michael caustically saying "well I think it's safe to say, we all just lost a bit of respect for you there Claire"

Triple points if her name is really Claire

I'd say yabu if you're pushing it, but not if it's something he's asking for. Other than ADHD I'm pretty NT, but I once spent a huge chunk of my summer holidays working through an advanced maths workbook. Guess it was my current hyperfocus at the time. No-one made me do it, and I was happy doing my own thing. If it's the same with your son, then good for you guys :)

Either don’t reply or if you do - my favourite is to ask them to explain what they mean.

‘that’s so sweet of you for sharing friend A - thanks for being proud of him with me!’

followed by ‘I’m afraid I don’t quite follow Maureen - perhaps you could clarify when you have a moment X’

nothing takes the wind out of a mean comment more than someone having to explicitly explain what brand of mean they were being…

@@Radiodread has it spot on

I am unashamed to say I hothoused my ADHD child. He will graduate with a university degree this year. He will have options he would otherwise never have had and he is grateful. I think you should just maintain a dignified silence because that other mother posted that because she was sad and scared.

It is great that he is doing so well and made so much progress . Well done to you both.

Kindly though, as he is ahead and settled and working hard, why do 30 extra mins work before bed. I get you are invested in his education because of his history, but wouldn’t a fun activity be a better use of fun time for the two of you.He’s in the right school now, perhaps you can ‘stand down’ a bit.

He is still very young and has plenty of time and opportunity to extend his formal learning. I would think going through photos of you as a kid, or your wider family, or looking at a world map and talking about where you have been and what it was like, and him thinking about where he would like to go and maybe looking at photos of that country or place, or playing Cats Cradle or jacks. Now you have sorted and fought for his education, you can go back to mum mode and enjoy your little boy because he’ll be big in the blink of an eye.

As for the other mum, don’t say anything, or give it another thought. Why would you?

If just ignore, why would you care what anyone thinks or says. As a parent you need to let go of that pretty quickly!

This did stand out to me though, doing maths activities, comprehension sheets and reading before bed with the more you do the more screen time you earn? Honestly, if a kid is at school and thriving academically as you say then I’d not bother about playing schools at home. I had a few with SN but in different ways. I did play at being school at home and doing what you have mentioned with one, but their SN were based around physical illness so at times in primary they averaged 1-2 days at school, so we had to do work at home to make sure they didn’t fall behind with the school curriculum. For the rest, nah. That’s not lazy parenting, it’s about time and place, leaving teachers to be teachers and formal learning at school. Home was tv, screens and books for those who liked to read (had some readers and others who would rather poke their eyes out). This ‘lazy parenting’ as some here have said led to all doing good uni degrees, and for those now out, good jobs.

I’d also be wary of the forced reading so many do with SEN. I had one who hated it. Could read no problem. Was happy to do it at school in the allotted time because that was ‘the rule’, comprehension no issue. If you asked them to read a word outside of this narrow window they would refuse, they despised it. Never changed. Absolute minimum reading possible all the way through school including high school. Great uni, great degree, great job, would throw up if you put a book in front of them to read ‘for pleasure’. Zero problems reading or comprehending, great vocabulary but reading anything outside of a strictly technical thing required for a specific purpose, nope.

As a sen parent also some people get it others just don’t. Then there is the jealous types that are going to judge you no matter what you do. I would like to say leave it and rise above. But I think I would need to say thanks for all your support everyone. Best get back to hothousing my child otherwise known as helping, caring, assisting etc etc
If you have to see that one regularly it may be best not to!

I kind of want you to laminate this. LOOK at what you've achieved!!! Honest, just tell her to do one, do not let anyone take this away from you and DS.

Hateful b*tch she is. I would ignore the mean comment but take note. That person is not a friend and is not a safe person because they have the disease of jealousy and hatefulness within them and enjoy causing pain and hurt on the occasion of a congratulation. Pretty sick and twisted. I call it abuse. Avoid having abusers in your life at all times, nip them in the bud, and it will go much nicer. She's done exactly what she set out to do - spread her dis-ease of the mind and made you feel uncomfortable. Just like a toxic infection, personally at my age, I identify these people immediately and have no further interaction with them. They enjoy the fight.

I think it says a lot more about her parenting and friendship than it doesn’t about yours.

It sounds from your posts that you’re doing an amazing job and that your son is thriving in his new environment - which is a huge relief for those of us whose kids are not suited to mainstream education!

Please don’t let this dickhead but a dampener on the achievements both of your son and of your supportive parenting that has allowed for this spectacular change to happen.

If what you’re doing is considered hothousing, then I’m a massive advocate of it!! Long live the hothousing!!

You don’t need to say anything, all the other parents would read a comment like in horror. It makes the other mum look awful, bitter and mean!

I think I’d just her message hang there unanswered like a bad smell tbh.

You don't need to reply OP.
She has embarrassed herself by commenting as she did.
Well done to your son.

I see the crab in a barrel mentality abounds everywhere.

Congratulations on your son’s success. Long may it continue 👍🏾