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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucked off at accusations of hothousing?

104 replies

Sunshinebuttercupsrainbows · 20/10/2023 21:41

My son is 7 and has SEN, he goes to a special school. It was a huge fight to get him in there and is now thriving socially, emotionally and academically to the extent he’s now working a year ahead in maths and two years ahead in reading and comprehension.

I’m part of a community of parents with children with SEN, many of whom home educate because the system is just not set up for their children. Many of these are my closest friends but there are certainly some that are more like just acquaintances.

My son was out of school for a while before I was able to get him into his current school so I did a lot of educating him at home. Because this became our norm, we still do a lot of it now. He doesn’t get homework from school so it’s not in addition to that, it’s usually just 30 minutes before bed of some maths and reading comprehension sheets off of twinkl before we do bedtime stories. He doesn’t complain and is currently enjoying it, when it becomes a battle I’ll probably stop because life is too short!

Anyway, I had some good news about his learning that I shared with my friends after school today. One of them then posted in the bigger group chat congratulating my son on his efforts and achievement.

One woman in the chat that I’m not particularly close with then said “Well done, hardly surprising though the amount of work you make him do, big believer here that kids needs to be kids rather than being hothoused but each to their own!”.

I’m fuming. I have only shared what I do with him because other members of the group have asked for advice. I’ve never once bragged about his achievements to this group (I absolutely do to my close friends as we all do and we all celebrate our children’s successes because we love and support each other!). If anything I’m extra cautious not to be braggy or patronising.

My son has had such a difficult journey so far with his education and to be honest with personal life too that I’m so angry to be told that I’m not letting him just be a kid! He does so much socially, has great friends and spends lots of time playing with them and being out in nature, lots of screen time too so I’m definitely not a role model parent by any means. But I’m gutted that his success has been put down to me hothousing him!!!

OP posts:
bombastix · 20/10/2023 22:33

She is jealous. Congrats to you and your son for your achievements.

TheRealLilyMunster · 20/10/2023 22:35

I would respond with:

Big believer here that you shouldn't make a tit of youself on a group chat, but each to their own.

Getoutgetout · 20/10/2023 22:36

Can I ask how you found the school? My DD is 4 and in mainstream. Academically incredibly advanced but probably autistic with a pda profile. I don’t know where to start to find a school that would be right. She’s so social and lots of friends but also can’t cope in a mainstream environment. So how how do you find a school? I don’t know where to start. Thanks.

Overcooker · 20/10/2023 22:36

If you’re inclined to reply I’d be inclined to keep it short, something like “I don’t think this is a fair, accurate or kind comment”. Give her an opportunity to reflect and recant before things escalate, particularly via a public forum.

LongLostTeacher · 20/10/2023 22:40

Don’t reply.

Her response comes from her own jealousy and insecurities. Don’t let someone like that take the shine of your pride.

momonpurpose · 20/10/2023 22:44

bossybloss · 20/10/2023 21:45

I think you should send your last paragraph here to her. I would be 😡 fuming!!!

I agree. Your son has clearly benefited from what you have done. I cannot imagine watching my friend go thru all of this and not celebrating her sons accomplishments. You are doing great and your son is blessed to have such a mom.

FussyPud · 20/10/2023 22:45

My son has just left special school, he learns coding languages for fun. Some people enjoy learning, and that acquaintance needs a multi-pack of grips from their nearest hardware emporium.

TravellingT · 20/10/2023 22:47

You've done nothing wrong, she has by being unnecessarily unkind.

You're doing a great job, raising a kid is hard enough but to raise one who has struggles no one should have to face is even harder- but look how well you're doing! You have a happy child who is talented, bright and I bet he knows it! That is a huge achievement, and that cow is probably jealous she's not as good as you.

You should be incredibly proud of yourself, so much so that you realise people like that are to be pitied.

If you're going to reply though...

"I'm a big believer that we should support each other through good times and bad, it's a shame some people can't, but each to their own"

AtTheStream · 20/10/2023 22:47

You sound like an amazing mum and your boy is thriving after a difficult journey. Its a lot to do with him but also a lot to do with you.

Focus on the great comments completely ignore her. She’s put her snarky thoughts out for all the world to see and that’s enough embarrassment.

Ellie56 · 20/10/2023 22:47

I would reply firmly, "No, it is not because he is being "hot housed," as you so rudely put it, but because he is now in the right school where his needs are being met."

jazzyfips · 20/10/2023 22:48

I couldn’t get worked up about something someone said whom I don’t really know.

CheekyHobson · 20/10/2023 22:51

Hopefully the pretty universal consensus here will reassure you that you can pointedly ignore maintain a dignified silence in regard to her comment, safe in the knowledge that every sensible person who reads it will also be eye-rolling hard at it.

KenIsAnAccessory · 20/10/2023 22:51

Dicks head gonna dick....ignore. That parent has made themselves look small and silly.

Therealjudgejudy · 20/10/2023 22:55

It be so tempted to say something but i think your best response is dignified silence.

Everyone else in the group will know shes being deeply unpleasant.

AbbeyGailsParty · 20/10/2023 22:56

Your son sounds happy, doing well in school and is ok with doing some homework. He’s happy and that’s what matters so you’ve done nothing wrong.
The others woman’s comment was nasty and bitchy in any context.

WearyAuldWumman · 20/10/2023 23:00

You get jealous asshats everywhere. Just smile sweetly at the so-and-so.

MojoDojoCasaHouse · 20/10/2023 23:01

YANBU but I expect the other mum is jealous. I can understand that having a demand avoidant ASD child. I’m a really good parent but can’t get her to comply with doing work. Even though I know it’s not my fault I still feel like a failure. Success is the best revenge so just enjoy it, be glad it’s working so well for you DS. Well done you.

PlipPlopChoo · 20/10/2023 23:04

Please ignore the comment and carry on though nothing has happened. It will make her look like the bitch that she is.

MCOut · 20/10/2023 23:05

Completely ignore her. What a bitch. Everybody has their moments, but she could have kept that to herself.

Escapetofrance · 20/10/2023 23:11

Don’t reply. You know that your ds enjoys working and is doing very well. Be proud of your achievements and don’t let this person take away the delight you should rightly be feeling. You don’t need to answer to her or defend your actions.

occa · 20/10/2023 23:11

Not replying is probably best but I'd likely not be able to stop myself and would have to say something like "There's always one 🙃"

Miriam101 · 20/10/2023 23:12

What a dick. I would be RAGING. But I also agree that it's best not to turn it into a row in public for people to gawp at. They go low, we go high and all that.

Mrsgreen100 · 20/10/2023 23:12

Do reply at all , she’s showing herself up tbh
take the high ground and ignore her

RedHelenB · 20/10/2023 23:14

At age 7 half an hour a day of homework is a lot. I can see where she's coming from. But you're his mother and trying to do your vest for him so I wouldn't upset myself with her having a different opinion to you.

Greenlady56 · 20/10/2023 23:24

I’d totally ignore and just not engage with anything she says or writes again. Life is too short for tolerating arseholes.

Don’t worry about it OP.

I took our little one to the library and museum when quite young and my husband’s friend’s (fucking obnoxious) wife used to say “ChILdHoOd Is FoR fUN.” I just ignored and turned around and said something to my baby because I don’t think much of her style of parenting - but that stays entirely in my thoughts, of course. And my baby was actually more interesting than her.

Well done to your little one - and to you! I’d be over the moon too. Seriously, she must be bitter/spiteful to not share joy about a child’s progress- esp when they have additional needs and obstacles to overcome.