To be fucked off at accusations of hothousing?

[Sunshinebuttercupsrainbows]

My son is 7 and has SEN, he goes to a special school. It was a huge fight to get him in there and is now thriving socially, emotionally and academically to the extent he’s now working a year ahead in maths and two years ahead in reading and comprehension.

I’m part of a community of parents with children with SEN, many of whom home educate because the system is just not set up for their children. Many of these are my closest friends but there are certainly some that are more like just acquaintances.

My son was out of school for a while before I was able to get him into his current school so I did a lot of educating him at home. Because this became our norm, we still do a lot of it now. He doesn’t get homework from school so it’s not in addition to that, it’s usually just 30 minutes before bed of some maths and reading comprehension sheets off of twinkl before we do bedtime stories. He doesn’t complain and is currently enjoying it, when it becomes a battle I’ll probably stop because life is too short!

Anyway, I had some good news about his learning that I shared with my friends after school today. One of them then posted in the bigger group chat congratulating my son on his efforts and achievement.

One woman in the chat that I’m not particularly close with then said “Well done, hardly surprising though the amount of work you make him do, big believer here that kids needs to be kids rather than being hothoused but each to their own!”.

I’m fuming. I have only shared what I do with him because other members of the group have asked for advice. I’ve never once bragged about his achievements to this group (I absolutely do to my close friends as we all do and we all celebrate our children’s successes because we love and support each other!). If anything I’m extra cautious not to be braggy or patronising.

My son has had such a difficult journey so far with his education and to be honest with personal life too that I’m so angry to be told that I’m not letting him just be a kid! He does so much socially, has great friends and spends lots of time playing with them and being out in nature, lots of screen time too so I’m definitely not a role model parent by any means. But I’m gutted that his success has been put down to me hothousing him!!!

@kopitiamgal completely understand where you’re coming from, although the culture of the group is very much of sharing our successes as well as asking for support on our struggles. My friend maybe shouldn’t have shared (it was a short “well done to little X on his news today, he’s worked so hard!”)

I would definitely reply. I would make a point that you don't consider that doing a bit of homework together which he enjoys is hot housing and that you would rather him do something that he likes rather than have extra screen time.

I'm with PP, who say don't reply

"Saucer of milk hun?"

Some people just can't bring themselves to be happy for anyone else, or their kids. It is usually the people that like to shout the loudest about their/their kids own achievements and expect praise.

Well done to your son xx

In your shoes I think I’d also feel hurt and deeply annoyed by this.

But by the same token I’ve withdrawn from various SEN groups over the years where there is a lot of chat about the exceptional giftedness of people’s children. Not because they are not absolutely right to celebrate and be delighted and proud, but because I don’t have that common ground with them, and it feels quite painful to be reminded of the vastly different outlooks for our children’s futures.

I can see how people get defensive, in a population where everyone is already feeling alienated and isolated and fearful. And also in a group of people who, frankly, might be prone to expressing themselves clumsily, or who might struggle to see how things can be different for different people in different situations.

It may well be that the first place their mind goes is the almighty meltdown / burnout that their child would experience at the slightest suggestion of homework, and they project that without thinking.

Does it feel less painful to think about it in this light? Your child is happy and thriving, and that is wonderful.

Maybe she thought it would be lovely for others to join in the congratulations. But it seems to have backfired. As much as I have seen groups where it's all 'open and supportive' people have good days and bad days, especially SEN parents must be under a lot of stress I don't think you can completely eliminate the risk of someone letting their true feelings slip. Of course, not to say that your feelings aren't important! Or that she's not mean. If she does 'hothouse' her kid maybe she is frustrated it's not getting results, or like lots of other ND kids hers seems clever and coping in mainstream.. but they're not - really.

There must be loads of other congratulatory comments though if the group really is supportive. In which case focus on thanking/liking those and ignore this woman. Your son doing well is reward enough and in any case she has already made herself look bad, you don't need to sink to her level. If nobody else has really commented then erm you have your answer they are not interested and your friend shouldn't have posted... but still, ignore.

She sounds thick, nasty and possibly jealous. I would just ignore her.

Did I read it correctly though, your son can "buy" more screen time by doing more of the extracurricular work? Because that does sound a little intense.

I would reply
you ok hun? Always here to listen.

I would definitely completely ignore her comment. She's probably just a bit jealous and bitter and trying to upset you - don't give her the pleasure of letting her see it's got to you. Just be super nice and normal and she'll probably feel really awkward and small.

Tell her thanks for the congratulations and you’re a big believer in not caring what other people think

If you feel you have to reply, reply to the supportive reply saying thanks for the support. Ignore the asshole, these are her issues, not yours. And well done to your son.

I like this message. I'd add in at the start "I don't MAKE him do anything..."

I also like "fuck off".

Or "saucer of milk for Janet, meeow" with a dozen laughing faces.

What a snarky cowbag!

But by the same token I’ve withdrawn from various SEN groups over the years where there is a lot of chat about the exceptional giftedness of people’s children. Not because they are not absolutely right to celebrate and be delighted and proud, but because I don’t have that common ground with them, and it feels quite painful to be reminded of the vastly different outlooks for our children’s futures

This. I suspect your post just touched a nerve, OP. Try to be mindful if you do reply.

@sprigatito yep but it’s not described to him like that. More a case of “you’ve played a lot of Minecraft already. Why don’t we do some maths together then you can have a bit more time?”. Slightly differentiated version of “no screen time until you’ve done XYZ” which I thought was fairly standard!

maybe the mum was just having a bad day. Her daughter is very academically able herself but I don’t know what happens behind closed doors so will show some grace and definitely not reply. We all have our bad days.

absolutely that. I've made the mistake of replying in similar situations, and have now learned that it never, ever works. It's maddening to sit on your hands, but it really is the only way to deal with a public comment like this.

I'd love to reply "hothousing? Lol!"

But I think ignoring it is better.

However, if she tries to have another go at you when you all get together, then all bets are off...!!!

From what you have written here I think you might want to say:

I don’t hot house my son, I resent the implication.

You can say that or say something to that effect or say nothing. I’d personally say nothing but I’d know better where I stood with her.

Did you mean to be so rude?

perfect op for the MN classic

She is a rude cow, but I’d assume she is probably having a rough time w her kid and somewhat bitter. I’d (probably) pull her up like this though.

That comment says more about them than it does you.
Rise above it.

Wow! Sounds as though you are both doing amazingly well. It’s not just what your child is learning academically that’s doing him good, he’s also learning to be conscientious, committed, hardworking and focussed. He also has routine.

You are teaching your DS life skills. Well done! Be proud of what you are both achieving. You don’t need jealous comments putting you down. Ignore her

This of course far more sensible

Rise above it

And leave her feeling silly

I’d say

“I’ve read your comment a few times and it seems like you are having a dig at me. Not sure why. I just try my best at all this parenting stuff and hope it works out ok in the end.”

She sounds like a right jealous idiot. Don't say anything, she's said enough. She's definitely shown her true colours.

Well done, OP. And well done DS!

Another one to say don't reply. Let the rest of the group take it on. They'll all be uncomfortable with her comments, and it will have more impact from someone else, even if they just send a well done message to counter her nasty reply.

Say nothing and let the tumbleweed blow through. That's the best way to make her reflect on what she's said