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Original poster

DH’s become a bully- wwyd?

73 replies

Flumpmallow · 20/10/2023 21:23

and it’s because of his job

apologies double posting and posting here for traffic as I’m feeling quite low.

Dh has a well paid job, he’s the major earner (for now but I’ve had a massive pay increase to kick in from the new year). This job has been the worst thing that’s ever happened to him. Yes it’s been more money, but slowly but surely his demeanour has changed. He’s started getting picked on and frankly bullied at work by someone in senior leadership. Long story less long, this person was peer to peer, and this person trod on DHs back, to credit for his project and secured the snr role and now seems to be out for blood. He was denied bereavement time off and basically had a bit of breakdown. Was signed off and has been having therapy.

He’s back to work now and is handling work better BUT at home, he’s just like like a bubbling pot, ready to boil over. Very short tempered, takes any commenting on his behaviour as like a personal attack and sometimes he’s just so highly strung he’s unpleasant.

when he’s in a good place, we talk about how he’s acting and how it’s ruining our marriage and is unfair to the kids. But I just don’t really know what to do. I also work full time so whilst I understand he’s in such a crap situation I do need him to an adult in the household. He does a fair amount around the house but he’s perceiving it as him doing everything. But it’s not the case, due to how much scrutiny he’s under at work, any time the kids have been ill or sent home from school, ive dealt with it. We split the meals and he does light cleaning like washing up and tidying but it’s me that does the full clean. But he thinks I do nothing.

after a few weeks of calm, youngest had to be picked up from nursery today and I’ve used all my leave so he had to do it and he’s just been on edge since and then eldest’s post school tantrum has pushed him over the edge and he’s back to being a rattle snake

does anyone have any words of wisdom?

OP posts:
Donutofdoooooom · 20/10/2023 21:26

Why is he still in the job? I think you need to have a frank sit down with him and work on an exit plan.

Chestnut5 · 20/10/2023 21:28

Issue him an ultimatum and let him know you will not stay with him if he continues to behave like this. Show him you're serious about leaving and that he needs to acknowledge he's mistreating you and the kids.

Original poster
Flumpmallow · 20/10/2023 21:29

Donutofdoooooom · 20/10/2023 21:26

Why is he still in the job? I think you need to have a frank sit down with him and work on an exit plan.

he’s been applying elsewhere like mad for months and nothing has stuck… which is denting his already low confidence and we can’t rely on one income

OP posts:
Toloveandtowork · 20/10/2023 21:29

Maybe he thinks (wrongly) that the house and kids are your responsibility...

Original poster
Flumpmallow · 20/10/2023 21:31

Chestnut5 · 20/10/2023 21:28

Issue him an ultimatum and let him know you will not stay with him if he continues to behave like this. Show him you're serious about leaving and that he needs to acknowledge he's mistreating you and the kids.

I’ve said this and he just gets defensive and confrontational and it starts him off on his ranting.I’ve highlighted that it’s ruining our marriage, for one we aren’t intimate anymore, and it will ruin our family because it will fuck up his kids and it’s just denial. He knows that my new job is more responsibility so without him I’d be stuffed kids wise as no family around. Job includes working away a few times a month

OP posts:
Angelik · 20/10/2023 21:36

Sounds like he is highly stressed. New job is the best thing to happen, as you know. In the meantime, get to GP and get some anti anxiety meds. Will regulate his emotions and prob put him.in better position to get a new job.

Frasers · 20/10/2023 21:37

Is there more to it op, is he maybe not performing in the role, and they are picking up on that and he’s taking it as bullying? Or playing it to you as bullying when in reality he’s not up to thr job and thinks he’s going to be terminated?

RumbleMum · 20/10/2023 21:37

Is he still having therapy for the bereavement and breakdown? Is this behaviour very out of character for him compared to pre-job and bereavement?

Do you think he’d be open to marriage counselling so you can both discuss this in a more neutral and calmer environment?

Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2023 21:39

He needs to leave the home for a while. He's like a pressure cooker and you simply can't live with that.

Findyourneutralspace · 20/10/2023 21:42

He sounds massively stressed. Does he talk about the job much when he gets home? Sounds like he needs a listening ear and to get things off his chest. That’s not to say home should all fall on you. It just sounds like he’s reached struggling to cope with it all territory, so a conversation about how things can improve would be very worthwhile.
Maybe it will settle when he’s more confident in his role? Or maybe he needs to change jobs (also stressful) or have a bit of counselling on OT if it’s provided.

Original poster
Flumpmallow · 20/10/2023 21:44

Frasers · 20/10/2023 21:37

Is there more to it op, is he maybe not performing in the role, and they are picking up on that and he’s taking it as bullying? Or playing it to you as bullying when in reality he’s not up to thr job and thinks he’s going to be terminated?

It’s a really big company so termination would take at least 18 months, at least.

so there is more to it but the person who got promoted they used to be mates and last year dh got a very good end of year and hefty bonus. The trouble started, I think when this person thought dh was competition for the role, so started a bit of a smear campaign and it really impacted him and he became withdrawn. But his direct manager had never raised nor documented any performance concerns. I have some mutual friends at the company who’ve informed me or backed up parts of dh version of events and I’ve read the emails and listened in on calls. But it all started to come down on him hard when this person took their snr role so I don’t think there’s legitimate performance concerns

OP posts:
Original poster
Flumpmallow · 20/10/2023 21:46

RumbleMum · 20/10/2023 21:37

Is he still having therapy for the bereavement and breakdown? Is this behaviour very out of character for him compared to pre-job and bereavement?

Do you think he’d be open to marriage counselling so you can both discuss this in a more neutral and calmer environment?

He’s having cbt and has paid in advance for some sessions, his last one said his anxiety score had come way down, but I’m not sure if he’s conveying the peaks and troughs he goes through or how volatile he is.

id love marriage counselling but his therapist said he shouldn’t really do 2 different therapies at once

OP posts:
Original poster
Flumpmallow · 20/10/2023 21:49

Findyourneutralspace · 20/10/2023 21:42

He sounds massively stressed. Does he talk about the job much when he gets home? Sounds like he needs a listening ear and to get things off his chest. That’s not to say home should all fall on you. It just sounds like he’s reached struggling to cope with it all territory, so a conversation about how things can improve would be very worthwhile.
Maybe it will settle when he’s more confident in his role? Or maybe he needs to change jobs (also stressful) or have a bit of counselling on OT if it’s provided.

He does, he talks about it constantly. Too much, that’s not to say I’m not happy to hear it or for him to vent but it’s like he gets stuck.

he gets himself in such a tizz he can’t think, I have to intervene and breakdown problems for him. He clearly know the answer but he’s been so nitpicked and ground down, he feels like he can’t do anything right.

he definitely needs a new job, sadly this person has thrown a lot of mud at him so I think the whole organisation is tainted now, but it’s finding one

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 20/10/2023 21:51

I don't condone bullying obviously, but from what you have said he sounds like he is not in a good place, emotionally or mentally, and not coping with unexpected additional stress, and is in need of support and possibly a change of job.

You have focussed on the cleaning aspect of things, could you afford a cleaner for a while, to take some of the load off your shoulders?

He needs support, but you can't provide any if you are floundering too.

Haffiana · 20/10/2023 21:53

Very short tempered, takes any commenting on his behaviour as like a personal attack and sometimes he’s just so highly strung he’s unpleasant.

So this is what he is like in your absolute, direct personal experience. So why when he says that he is being bullied do you believe that is what is happening? Surely he is exactly the same at work as he is at home - because this is who he is - and that is why he hasn't progressed and why he thinks his colleagues are attacking him??

Original poster
Flumpmallow · 20/10/2023 21:57

Haffiana · 20/10/2023 21:53

Very short tempered, takes any commenting on his behaviour as like a personal attack and sometimes he’s just so highly strung he’s unpleasant.

So this is what he is like in your absolute, direct personal experience. So why when he says that he is being bullied do you believe that is what is happening? Surely he is exactly the same at work as he is at home - because this is who he is - and that is why he hasn't progressed and why he thinks his colleagues are attacking him??

He’s definitely being targeted, ive read emails, I’ve overheard calls where he’s had some very unkind things said, I’ve seen how he’s had certain things sprung on him, how he’s being micromanaged and clock watched. I know other people in the organisation who can corroborate parts of his story and this persons overall demeanour.

BUT his resistance to feedback doesn’t make things easier for him

OP posts:
Original poster
Flumpmallow · 20/10/2023 21:58

Createausername1970 · 20/10/2023 21:51

I don't condone bullying obviously, but from what you have said he sounds like he is not in a good place, emotionally or mentally, and not coping with unexpected additional stress, and is in need of support and possibly a change of job.

You have focussed on the cleaning aspect of things, could you afford a cleaner for a while, to take some of the load off your shoulders?

He needs support, but you can't provide any if you are floundering too.

Ah i wish I could! But sadly no, but tbh it seems largely my and the kids that trigger him

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 20/10/2023 21:59

I think the first step would be to get him to realise fully how he is behaving and how often it’s happening. As a starting point do an inventory of all you both do in a week outside of your working hours. Get a piece of paper with 2 columns with your names on it and just keep a record. At the end of the week present it to him and ask him why he thinks he’s doing so much more than you. Secondly each time he behaves poorly I’d have a set response, such as “I’m not prepared to tolerate you speaking to me in this way so I’m going to give you space until we can communicate better”. and walk off. After a few days you’ll likely have walked away on numerous occasions which should highlight to him how frequently he’s behaving poorly.

Original poster
Flumpmallow · 20/10/2023 22:03

Nicole1111 · 20/10/2023 21:59

I think the first step would be to get him to realise fully how he is behaving and how often it’s happening. As a starting point do an inventory of all you both do in a week outside of your working hours. Get a piece of paper with 2 columns with your names on it and just keep a record. At the end of the week present it to him and ask him why he thinks he’s doing so much more than you. Secondly each time he behaves poorly I’d have a set response, such as “I’m not prepared to tolerate you speaking to me in this way so I’m going to give you space until we can communicate better”. and walk off. After a few days you’ll likely have walked away on numerous occasions which should highlight to him how frequently he’s behaving poorly.

This is fantastic advice thank you!

OP posts:
Warriormum1 · 20/10/2023 22:11

I have had a similar experience with my daughter @Flumpmallow . It's definitely a thing. She had a high kudos highly competitive job where everyone was backstabbing each other to get to the top. She would regularly call me in tears telling me about the bullying she had to endure on a daily basis. Eventually she left but it changed her as a person. The scars are still there and I think in some ways the behaviour of the people around her was so outrageous, that being mean to people was somehow normalised. She has calmed down a bit now but she went through a phase of being really horrible to me and she didn't think there was anything wrong with it. IMO your dh needs to get out of his toxic work environment. As long as he is there he will always be conditioned by the toxic behaviour around him.

Frasers · 20/10/2023 22:16

Op, you say no performance issues but also say he’s been off with stress and is being micro managed and struggling to take feedback or be able to break down problems and having unkind things said, So I think performance issues must be part of that, it would be impossible for there mot to be.

id be concerned he’s being managed out. Is he on a pip that you’re aware of ?

it’s a night mare situation if someone who dislikes him and he feels the same back is now effectively his manager.

SkyFullofStars1975 · 20/10/2023 22:19

Saying this kindly, he's using you as his emotional punchbag. If you've talked before and nothing has changed, it isn't going to.

DH runs his own business, and when his behaviour started to make the entire family miserable at home, he was told to leave. He had 6 months in a rented flat, and was desperate to come back again but he didn't until he'd made changes and there was a decent level of mutual respect again in our marriage. It was horribly hard, I felt like I'd had to pick up the entire load during that time but it was a much needed wake up call for him.

Can you seriously consider leaving him in sole responsibility for a few times a month if he can't manage his stress levels?

Original poster
Flumpmallow · 20/10/2023 22:30

Frasers · 20/10/2023 22:16

Op, you say no performance issues but also say he’s been off with stress and is being micro managed and struggling to take feedback or be able to break down problems and having unkind things said, So I think performance issues must be part of that, it would be impossible for there mot to be.

id be concerned he’s being managed out. Is he on a pip that you’re aware of ?

it’s a night mare situation if someone who dislikes him and he feels the same back is now effectively his manager.

No pip no, but it feels like it could head that way. Managing out would be difficult as he’s got the union involved now so things seem more above board and there was a recent suicide in the department, so There’s a hr spotlight there.

there are no legitimate work concerns but some clear bullshit ones, thing around accent and use of hands in a presentation and having clammy hands one (medical condition) things he’s been told to work on that have no clear resolution. Likewise with clock watching and having a stern talking to about not working weekends once, which when brought up later was promptly denied

OP posts:
FloofCloud · 20/10/2023 22:33

Sounds like he needs to make a choice between the job or a less stressful job for him and a family

Original poster
Flumpmallow · 20/10/2023 22:33

SkyFullofStars1975 · 20/10/2023 22:19

Saying this kindly, he's using you as his emotional punchbag. If you've talked before and nothing has changed, it isn't going to.

DH runs his own business, and when his behaviour started to make the entire family miserable at home, he was told to leave. He had 6 months in a rented flat, and was desperate to come back again but he didn't until he'd made changes and there was a decent level of mutual respect again in our marriage. It was horribly hard, I felt like I'd had to pick up the entire load during that time but it was a much needed wake up call for him.

Can you seriously consider leaving him in sole responsibility for a few times a month if he can't manage his stress levels?

If we had no kids, in a heart beat and youre spot on re punching bag. But he won’t leave as I’ve asked him before and I can’t (cost, kids, new role etc) neither of us have any family that can/ will help.

OP posts: