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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bf inviting friends to holiday over me?

88 replies

hurtgf · 20/10/2023 13:17

Been with my bf a few years for context, don't live together.

He's gone abroad to visit family, and mentioned on more than one occasion that he would love for me to join for part of the trip (I have commitments that mean I couldn't go for more than a few days at the moment). This was his idea. I said it would be really nice, and he was going to ask the family he is staying with and suggested I come for a "long weekend".

However I then found out that he's invited friends instead of me to go out for the weekend... I feel very hurt and upset by this.

He said that we made no definite plans.

AIBU to feel hurt?

OP posts:
Mumsanetta · 20/10/2023 18:42

What awful behaviour! I too would phase him out and move on, he doesn’t deserve the emotion or drama of a breakup.

jannier · 20/10/2023 19:01

You've been together a few years but he's not missing you enough to invite you over for the weekend....yeah I'd take that as this is going nowhere

Original poster
hurtgf · 20/10/2023 19:16

I haven't had a massive go at him, I'm not a confrontational person. I've just told him I'm very hurt and confused.

I haven't responded to any of his further messages. At first he was justifying himself and now he's moved on to all the "I love you" stuff.

I actually feel done. He does have some form to be selfish tbh.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 20/10/2023 19:49

hurtgf · 20/10/2023 19:16

I haven't had a massive go at him, I'm not a confrontational person. I've just told him I'm very hurt and confused.

I haven't responded to any of his further messages. At first he was justifying himself and now he's moved on to all the "I love you" stuff.

I actually feel done. He does have some form to be selfish tbh.

I think you are more than fair to match his true energy and by that I mean his actions, because as a pp said words are easy.

Tigger1895 · 20/10/2023 20:30

hurtgf · 20/10/2023 15:42

He seems to think I've no reason to feel sad over this as we hadn't made "solid" plans...

however I feel it's the principle, he's suggested I come but then gone off and made plans for others to come instead

No solid plans? Well it’s not like he gave you the chance to finalise any. I’d be livid

Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2023 21:00

hurtgf · 20/10/2023 19:16

I haven't had a massive go at him, I'm not a confrontational person. I've just told him I'm very hurt and confused.

I haven't responded to any of his further messages. At first he was justifying himself and now he's moved on to all the "I love you" stuff.

I actually feel done. He does have some form to be selfish tbh.

It's not "confrontational" to tell someone you're in a relationship with that their behaviour has hurt you and why. Don't be a doormat and a passenger in your own life, FGS. You'll never get what you need from someone if you don't tell them what that is.

OhNoForever · 20/10/2023 21:02

Wow yanbu. I think that would end things for me. Why aren't you invited as well as his friends?!

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 20/10/2023 21:04

I think he forgot he invited you :( I'd be done too tbh

Ktime · 20/10/2023 21:07

Let us know what he says when you’ve dumped him, OP.

Original poster
hurtgf · 20/10/2023 21:14

@Aquamarine1029 sorry I did explain why, I just haven't been nasty about it or "blown up" etc. I mean I don't like arguments I've just been factual about why I'm upset about this.

I feel so upset today I'm struggling to function.

I know I can do better.

There were no signs before he went. In fact he'd been making arrangements and plans with me for when he is back as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
hurtgf · 21/10/2023 08:53

Ktime · 20/10/2023 21:07

Let us know what he says when you’ve dumped him, OP.

His response was that he "can't believe" I am ending things "over this"...

He's then tried to tell me that I was never invited and I basically imagined the whole thing... ridiculous.

OP posts:
Frasers · 21/10/2023 08:59

God he just gets worse, I can’t believe he’s now moved to gaslighting you. What a horrible selfish little man. He’s invited a couple and wants to host them solo. And disinvited you so you wouldn’t be there.

you need to run not walk. If you take this it will continue to deteriorate. A normal healthy relationship you’d be there with them and he’d want this. Not kicking you into the long grass and lying.

xontinue to have respect for yourself and don’t let this man do this to you. End it and keep it ended

Frasers · 21/10/2023 09:03

I think what makes it worse is he has stood his ground, he’d rather end the relationship than have you there. He could easily have said shit of course you’re welcome right at the start, but he didn’t, he’s held fast to he doesn’t want you to come and will allow the relationship to end rather than let you .

thats shocking. He loves you but not enough that he will tolerate you spending the weekend with them, he’d rather it finished than that.

1990thatsme · 21/10/2023 09:03

hurtgf · 21/10/2023 08:53

His response was that he "can't believe" I am ending things "over this"...

He's then tried to tell me that I was never invited and I basically imagined the whole thing... ridiculous.

Show quote history

The only reason for denying he ever invited you is because he knows he is in the wrong.

Lucky escape.

Allinadayswork80 · 21/10/2023 09:18

So he’s a gaslighter too, dodged a bullet there!
If anything, he should’ve WANTED to have YOU there and badgering you for confirmation of if/when you can come. He’s shown his true colours here and given you a little snapshot of the future with him.
He “can’t believe” it? Reply: “the only unbelievable thing here is that I thought we had a future together”

Wonkasworld · 21/10/2023 09:26

One word: flakey.

ThelmaBorden · 21/10/2023 09:29

How are you doing OP?

Please take on board the wisdom of women on here.

fwiw - if you were perceived as a couple, he would not be asking ‘Aunt Sally’ for permission to invite you, she would have invited you as a couple/expected you to be there? or if he is visiting family solo, why would he ask friends to go and for them to readily accept - couples do not normally do that, do they? certain amount of planning involved surely? booking time off work for example, travel bookings etc.
and if this couple have had no contact with you, ie you do not know them, how would this gel with your new life togeher, in your home I might add - perhaps randomly inviting his friends to come stay for a long weekend.

Yes he is certainly gaslighting.

You know the rule, make a note of what he does, take no note of what he says,
as words cost nothing.

This is shabby treatment, disrespectful, everything everyone here has advised.

He sounds shady anyway, possibly untrustworthy, certainly unreliable.

I’m sorry you are upset, but realise - despite his protestations, he doesn’t really care.
I sincerely hope that you have ruined his weekend

Original poster
hurtgf · 21/10/2023 09:34

@ThelmaBorden I suppose the asking permission of the family is that he is staying in their home and it only would seem polite to check that an extra guest can stay? I totally understand that.

Yes the people he has invited are a couple. I know them and have met them many times, though they are his friends not mine. I agree it's completely odd to invite a couple out to join him... doesn't seem normal to me maybe that's what's not sitting right with me either?

There is also the element of the planning that surely went into it, I did not find out until it was already arranged.

OP posts:
Wonkasworld · 21/10/2023 09:40

You've done the right thing. The fact that he can't see a problem with what he's done, no doubt was the final straw. It's saying he'd rather spend time with the couple, than you.

It's about what his action represents.

Namerequired · 21/10/2023 09:43

He obviously managed to ask the aunt about them staying, yet never managed to ask her about you. Says it all.

msmatcha · 21/10/2023 09:44

He doesn't see you as a long term partner. I'd be looking elsewhere personally.

madeinmanc · 21/10/2023 10:10

Could anything else possibly be going on that he's hiding from you? It just seems like a bizarre thing to happen, why would you be moving in with someone and then "forget" you invited them on holiday?

Original poster
hurtgf · 21/10/2023 10:26

@madeinmanc well to start off with he didn't forget, just in his view there were no "definite plans".

I'm not sure what could be going on? But I'm open to suggestions? Do you mean something going on with this couple?... they do spend a lot of time together.

OP posts:
madeinmanc · 21/10/2023 12:24

Sorry, I have no ideas but interesting that that's what you came to mind for you. It just seems inconsistent behaviour but in any case it sounds like he's let you down to such an extent that there's no route back 😔

Original poster
hurtgf · 21/10/2023 12:34

Well I know they were on holiday a while ago and he mentioned they'd invited him to join... it did strike me as odd, what kind of couple invites a male friend to join them on holiday on his own?

I don't know anyone else that does this but maybe it's just me!

Equally I find it odd that he's asked a couple to come join him on holiday when he's by himself...

They all have much more flexible jobs than mine (work for themselves or from home) so I guess maybe can do these things at the drop of a hat whereas I need more time/planning?

Either way I've ended it.

OP posts: