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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bf inviting friends to holiday over me?

88 replies

hurtgf · 20/10/2023 13:17

Been with my bf a few years for context, don't live together.

He's gone abroad to visit family, and mentioned on more than one occasion that he would love for me to join for part of the trip (I have commitments that mean I couldn't go for more than a few days at the moment). This was his idea. I said it would be really nice, and he was going to ask the family he is staying with and suggested I come for a "long weekend".

However I then found out that he's invited friends instead of me to go out for the weekend... I feel very hurt and upset by this.

He said that we made no definite plans.

AIBU to feel hurt?

OP posts:
Frasers · 20/10/2023 16:59

1990thatsme · 20/10/2023 16:56

Sorry, I thought you said he had invited you, and then you were cross because he invited his friends?

So if he didn’t invite you that weekend, why are you angry?

Show quote history

She means join him and his friends, clearly, on that weekend.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 20/10/2023 17:00

hurtgf · 20/10/2023 16:31

I've stayed with these family members before and I get on well with them as far as I know.

Stop trying to find other justifications for why he’s done this. It’s nothing to do with the people he’s staying with, he’s just been an utter dick to you.

You’re clearly not that front-of-mind when he’s making plans, and are not the person he automatically wants to spend his time with. Solid plans or not, he’s chosen to invite other people without even checking with you! I’d have been devastated if DH had done this to me a ‘few years’ into our relationship. It’s shit.

It also tells you quite a lot about where you fit into his priorities. Whether or not you’re prepared to live with that is up to you.

Mummumgem · 20/10/2023 17:00

Did he definitely invite them instead of you, not as well ?

SwingTheMonkey · 20/10/2023 17:00

1990thatsme · 20/10/2023 16:56

Sorry, I thought you said he had invited you, and then you were cross because he invited his friends?

So if he didn’t invite you that weekend, why are you angry?

Show quote history

No that’s not what she said. She’d been ‘invited’ in that he’d said he like her to join him for a long weekend and she responded that she’d like to go. He then didn’t mention it again and op found out he was now going with friends instead.

Original poster
hurtgf · 20/10/2023 17:02

@1990thatsme I had been loosely invited...

Him- "I'm going to visit x in 3 weeks time. Would be lovely if you could join me on x date for a long weekend. I'll ask Aunt Sally if it's okay for you to come and stay".

Me- "great I would like that, let me know"

Later...

Him- "just packing my bag to go to x, I'm very excited. I must remember to ask Aunt Sally if it's okay for you to come on x date".

Me- "great, I would love to so let me know".

Arrives...

Me- "let me know if it's okay if I come on x weekend, have you asked Aunt Sally?"

Him- "oh sorry, I've invited A & B now and they've booked their flights"

Me- "Oh, I thought that was the weekend you asked me to join you?"

Him- "well we made no definite plans"

OP posts:
1990thatsme · 20/10/2023 17:06

OK, that’s a better explanation. It’s really weird to me that he is excluding you just because his friends are coming.

How do you get on with them generally?

Frasers · 20/10/2023 17:06

Eek that’s really bad op. Is the man and woman a couple?

Namerequired · 20/10/2023 17:06

hurtgf · 20/10/2023 17:02

@1990thatsme I had been loosely invited...

Him- "I'm going to visit x in 3 weeks time. Would be lovely if you could join me on x date for a long weekend. I'll ask Aunt Sally if it's okay for you to come and stay".

Me- "great I would like that, let me know"

Later...

Him- "just packing my bag to go to x, I'm very excited. I must remember to ask Aunt Sally if it's okay for you to come on x date".

Me- "great, I would love to so let me know".

Arrives...

Me- "let me know if it's okay if I come on x weekend, have you asked Aunt Sally?"

Him- "oh sorry, I've invited A & B now and they've booked their flights"

Me- "Oh, I thought that was the weekend you asked me to join you?"

Him- "well we made no definite plans"

That’s awful!! Yous hadn’t definite plans cause you were waiting on him asking his aunt. How is he planning to fix it? I’m sorry, but at best, you just aren’t a priority.

Original poster
hurtgf · 20/10/2023 17:07

I get on with his friends yes.

OP posts:
madeinmanc · 20/10/2023 17:16

What kind of age range is he? If he's 40+ I'd expect more thought and organisation/consideration. But some people are just bad planners, is he?

Original poster
hurtgf · 20/10/2023 17:22

@madeinmanc he's mid 30s.

I think the relationship is done for me. It's obvious I'm not a priority or preference to spend time with... he's given no good explanation other than "we didn't have definite plans"... he hasn't said "oh yes A and B are coming but I'd like you to come to".

We don't live together as we lived a distance apart and then both communed in totally different directions to work. He's recently taken a new job closer to where I am with a view to us living together (he was going to move in with me).

OP posts:
Namerequired · 20/10/2023 17:29

hurtgf · 20/10/2023 17:22

@madeinmanc he's mid 30s.

I think the relationship is done for me. It's obvious I'm not a priority or preference to spend time with... he's given no good explanation other than "we didn't have definite plans"... he hasn't said "oh yes A and B are coming but I'd like you to come to".

We don't live together as we lived a distance apart and then both communed in totally different directions to work. He's recently taken a new job closer to where I am with a view to us living together (he was going to move in with me).

But he’s the reason you had no definite plans, so basically he asked you to go and then withdrew the invite.
It could be he’s got cold feet about moving in together and this is his way of sabotaging it. I think you are right to move on unless he has been perfect outside of this.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 20/10/2023 17:33

You're certainly not a priority for him and the messages he's sending now telling you how much he loves you are bullshit, as someone up thread said, talk is cheap and his actions are speaking way louder. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of answering any of the messages.
Make him an ex.

GabriellaMontez · 20/10/2023 17:41

That's really hurtful. I think that would be a natural end to the relationship.

OrigamiOwl · 20/10/2023 17:43

He's shown you that you're absolutely not a priority. The ball is in your court about what you do with that information

bjrce · 20/10/2023 17:46

I would actually just phase him out - I wouldn't go all furious, I just wouldn't be as available in future.

Ie. Next weekend when he wants to meet up - tell him, you've no definite plans, talk later! then ignore. When he comes back, tell him you're seeing friends for the weekend - give him a taste of his own medicine.

What ever you do - don't let him move it. He suits himself that one!

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/10/2023 17:58

Are his friends a couple or is there a single woman going?

Original poster
hurtgf · 20/10/2023 18:01

It's a couple... @determinedtomakethiswork

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 20/10/2023 18:02

At this stage and his age if he saw you as a serious long term contender for marriage or children etc he would have invited you over anyone else.

From this situation I think he sees you as a convenient place holder.

You deserve far far better treatment.

This would be the end for me tbh, he hasn't made you a priority at all and then trying to excuse himself with " we didn't make definite plans. " ( wtf? )

But if you decide to stay with him do not move him in with you at all.

PaminaMozart · 20/10/2023 18:20

I'm afraid I agree with @TomatoSandwiches : he sees you as a convenient place holder.

He's recently taken a new job closer to where I am with a view to us living together (he was going to move in with me).

Cocklodger in the making ?I fear he is using you!

This is one of those occasions where solid actions would have to match a lot of words before I'd even consider continuing with this relationship.

Lochness1975 · 20/10/2023 18:22

He would be an exbf now

ItsADoggieDogWorld · 20/10/2023 18:27

Say you don't want him to move in, and if he says anything just say 'well we didn't make definite plans'.

madeinmanc · 20/10/2023 18:33

At mid 30s I suppose you expect someone to have their stuff together unless they have ADHD or something. I don't understand why you couldn't just join them all, unless space is limited.

It's a weird one, I suppose you could try talking it over with him to see if he's really sorry. Does he have a history of thoughtless behaviour?

Were there any vibes about him cooling off before he went away?

Lavender14 · 20/10/2023 18:35

Yeah that would be a natural ending for me too. Next!

Mumsanetta · 20/10/2023 18:42

What awful behaviour! I too would phase him out and move on, he doesn’t deserve the emotion or drama of a breakup.