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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To rehome the dog without my mothers agreement

65 replies

PurpleBugz · 20/10/2023 11:55

Got a puppy when I was in a happy committed relationship. I have always had dogs and know they are a commitment you don’t take on lightly.

My toddler turned out to have significant special needs so walking the dog became a challenge as son wasn’t safe to take on walks. I got pregnant just before my Sen kiddo looses his school place as his needs are too significant for school. So I can’t even walk dog when he’s at school now. Partner has to take on dog walking.

I then am struck with long term health problems affecting my mobility. Partner can’t cope with it all and we spilt up.

I face the reality I need to rehome the dog. My mum offers to have the dog as her dog just died. Seems a brilliant solution.

My mum has spent 12 weeks of the last year on holiday and every time I’m expected to have the dog. My mother makes regular comments about how she has taken on the burden of my dog. Every time I say we need to rehome dog mum says no.

My dad is terminal and when he dies my mother plans to spend even more time on holidays so this problem is only going to get worse.

I’m really suffering today can’t cope have sent kids to my ex as I can’t hardly walk etc. Then my dad is in hospital and my mum phones me to go get the dog as she’s not home. I say I can’t drive. Mum very pissed off with me. Which I will excuse because my dad is very ill and she’s upset. But I’m being made to feel like a terrible person because I cant get the dog.

I know her husband is dying but he’s my dad and I’m upset too. Instead of going through this as a family I’m getting her on my case for a dog I’ve been saying needs to be rehomed for the last 2 years.

Would I be unreasonable to just rehome the dog next time I have her? Her chip is registered to me so I can do it without mothers involvement. It just feels so horrible to do behind her back as she’s had the dog 2 years now. but saying I can’t have the dog is just being ignored.

I’m upset about my dad I don’t want this dog drama maybe it’s making me unreasonable? What do I do?

OP posts:
Coffeerum · 20/10/2023 12:00

In what world is giving the dog away behind her back more reasonable than just saying “sorry I can’t look after the dog this time”???

XelaM · 20/10/2023 12:01

Hire a dog walker/sitter

Original poster
PurpleBugz · 20/10/2023 12:03

Coffeerum · 20/10/2023 12:00

In what world is giving the dog away behind her back more reasonable than just saying “sorry I can’t look after the dog this time”???

Yeah that's why I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable. But when I say no she won't accept it makes it clear it's my dog my responsibility. Which I agree with but I'm saying the responsible thing to do is rehome

OP posts:
hellsbells99 · 20/10/2023 12:03

Is there a local dog minder who takes in dogs for a weeks holiday etc? My neighbours use one like this and it is great - the dog loves going and they know their dog is well cared for

Original poster
PurpleBugz · 20/10/2023 12:04

XelaM · 20/10/2023 12:01

Hire a dog walker/sitter

I can't afford it. Lost my job as son out of school. I've done it a bit when I have the dog but I struggle to even pick up the poo in the garden now

OP posts:
Laiste · 20/10/2023 12:05

You are absolutely not being unreasonable to not have the dog in your life now.

Rather than re-homing behind her back tell her firmly that you cannot look after the dog any more. At all. Ever.

She'll kick off i expect. When this happens i'd be honest and say that you'd seriously thought of re-homing it when she next makes you have it, but decided that the better thing would be to tell her you just won't be having the dog at yours anymore.

caerdydd12 · 20/10/2023 12:05

Haven't you already posted a thread about this?

HattieIou · 20/10/2023 12:05

Definitely DO NOT rehome the dog behind her back that's a terrible decision. Just say no when she asks you to have the dog!! Simple. She will have to ask someone else. No one is forcing you.

Original poster
PurpleBugz · 20/10/2023 12:06

hellsbells99 · 20/10/2023 12:03

Is there a local dog minder who takes in dogs for a weeks holiday etc? My neighbours use one like this and it is great - the dog loves going and they know their dog is well cared for

Edited

My mother won't consider this I've suggested it. She thinking you have a dog you should care for it. Growing up we always had dog friendly holidays. But because it's my dog she feels I need to have her while mum goes away

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleBugz · 20/10/2023 12:07

caerdydd12 · 20/10/2023 12:05

Haven't you already posted a thread about this?

Oh god have I?! Possibly it's been going on for two years

OP posts:
Laiste · 20/10/2023 12:07

Remind her it's chipped to you and that you are prepared to re-home it if she keeps pushing.

I expect that will be enough to stop her asking you.

It probably won't stop the PA digs about taking the dog off you in the first place though. But that's PA mother's for you! Flowers

AudiobookListener · 20/10/2023 12:09

Either it's still your dog, in which case rehome. Or its now your mother's dog, in which case she steps up and takes full responsibility. Let her decide and if she won't then rehome behind her back if necessary.

caerdydd12 · 20/10/2023 12:09

PurpleBugz · 20/10/2023 12:07

Oh god have I?! Possibly it's been going on for two years

Show quote history

I'm sure there was a thread a month/few months back exactly the same..

Original poster
PurpleBugz · 20/10/2023 12:10

AudiobookListener · 20/10/2023 12:09

Either it's still your dog, in which case rehome. Or its now your mother's dog, in which case she steps up and takes full responsibility. Let her decide and if she won't then rehome behind her back if necessary.

That's exactly my thinking. It just feels so cruel!

OP posts:
Thebigblueballoon · 20/10/2023 12:11

Good God, don’t do it behind her back. That would be really cruel. Your mum has been selfish regarding palming the dog back on you when she goes on holiday, though. Sit her down for a firm chat and point out that you will no longer look after the dog when she goes away, so she will have to find a suitable kennels or dog sitter for during her multiple trips. If she can’t commit to that, tell her you have no choice but to rehome the dog.

Liglig · 20/10/2023 12:12

It is clear that the dog is too much for you right now and you are doing the right thing by rehoming it. Be firm and tell your mother that she needs to agree to have the dog at all times from now on or you will re-home it, if she cares enough about the dog she will take him on and if she does not care enough then she has no right to expect you to keep the dog, she either wants it or she doesn't. If she cannot cope with having the dog full time, then she too is not suitable to be a dog owner. You can't win, either way she will be annoyed at you but giving the dog away is irreversible once done so I would try to avoid rehoming if possible.

AllWeWantToDo · 20/10/2023 12:12

caerdydd12 · 20/10/2023 12:09

I'm sure there was a thread a month/few months back exactly the same..

Show quote history

There was one recently where the dog the mums and she left it with the op and went to live abroad

Worddance · 20/10/2023 12:12

No you're not being unreasonable. I'm sorry your health is so poor at the moment. Let your mum know you can't have the dog again but are prepared to re-home it. It will likely cause distance between you. Stand your ground.

Catza · 20/10/2023 12:15

PurpleBugz · 20/10/2023 12:06

My mother won't consider this I've suggested it. She thinking you have a dog you should care for it. Growing up we always had dog friendly holidays. But because it's my dog she feels I need to have her while mum goes away

Show quote history

But it's not your dog. You rehomed it with your mother. It's her dog now. This is a conversation I would be having before saying you can no longer help with it.
If you rehome the dog behind her back, then for the next 20 years you will be hearing at every opportunity how horrible you were to rehome the dog. I'm not sure it's the best solution either as far as getting her off your back.
And finally, is anybody thinking about the dog? Would rehoming it cause unnecessary trauma and if so, is it justified over something your mum says to you on occasion? (The answer may be yes, and it is fine but it doesn't sound like it was thought about).

AudiobookListener · 20/10/2023 12:15

PurpleBugz · 20/10/2023 12:10

That's exactly my thinking. It just feels so cruel!

Show quote history

It's not cruel if you give her the choice. Currently she is being cruel to the dog because it has no fixed stable home and owner. Also being pretty shitty to you and your child. Because she is insisting on something that isn't actually available. Childish. Are there other ways in which she won't accept your circumstances and illness?

HarpieDuJour · 20/10/2023 12:16

I think you should tell your mum that you can never look after the dog, and that if she just drops it off anyway, you will be forced to rehome it because you can't care for it any more.

caerdydd12 · 20/10/2023 12:17

AllWeWantToDo · 20/10/2023 12:12

There was one recently where the dog the mums and she left it with the op and went to live abroad

Show quote history

Maybe it's that one, just doesn't seem as familiar as this situation. Although either way I'd say the advice will be very similar 😂

Original poster
PurpleBugz · 20/10/2023 12:17

I just want to add. I e had the talk multiple times with my mum she just ignored me. Last couple holidays she will send a text saying im going away on Friday so you need to collect dog before then. Then she just goes leaving dog with my very sick father who can't do the stairs let alone walk a dog. I literally can't say no because of this and I can't afford the dog walker/kennel myself when it happens. This is why im feeling rehiring behind her back is the only way I can do this.

But I think I will be sure to tell her that's what I will do next time

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 20/10/2023 12:17

Give her the options.
Don't do it behind her back.

Tell her that she's acting like this is still your dog that you are responsible for and the whole point of you rehoming the dog was you couldn't meet the animal's needs and it was cruel to keep them.

Tell her to choose. Is it now her dog and therefore her responsibility so get a dog walker and stop demanding you help, the microchip will be updated with her info.

Or

The dog is still your dog and your responsibility therefore you will re-home them/surrender them to a shelter.

AnSolas · 20/10/2023 12:18

But when I say no she won't accept it makes it clear it's my dog my responsibility. Which I agree with but I'm saying the responsible thing to do is rehome

You need to say that
if it is your dog you will take it back today. [You get to rehome the dog "guilt" free.]

But if it is her dog you are not doing any care because you just cant do it at all and she needs to sort out its ongoing care. That you understand that she is going through a lot and that the dog is a great companion. However you were upset when you had to accept that you could not manage to care for the dog and nothing has changed. You are very sorry and dont want to fall out over the dog but you just can not be involved in minding it.

Every conversation which has a dog request is sorry to interupt you understand but you cant and dont want to fall out over this.

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