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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To rehome the dog without my mothers agreement

65 replies

PurpleBugz · 20/10/2023 11:55

Got a puppy when I was in a happy committed relationship. I have always had dogs and know they are a commitment you don’t take on lightly.

My toddler turned out to have significant special needs so walking the dog became a challenge as son wasn’t safe to take on walks. I got pregnant just before my Sen kiddo looses his school place as his needs are too significant for school. So I can’t even walk dog when he’s at school now. Partner has to take on dog walking.

I then am struck with long term health problems affecting my mobility. Partner can’t cope with it all and we spilt up.

I face the reality I need to rehome the dog. My mum offers to have the dog as her dog just died. Seems a brilliant solution.

My mum has spent 12 weeks of the last year on holiday and every time I’m expected to have the dog. My mother makes regular comments about how she has taken on the burden of my dog. Every time I say we need to rehome dog mum says no.

My dad is terminal and when he dies my mother plans to spend even more time on holidays so this problem is only going to get worse.

I’m really suffering today can’t cope have sent kids to my ex as I can’t hardly walk etc. Then my dad is in hospital and my mum phones me to go get the dog as she’s not home. I say I can’t drive. Mum very pissed off with me. Which I will excuse because my dad is very ill and she’s upset. But I’m being made to feel like a terrible person because I cant get the dog.

I know her husband is dying but he’s my dad and I’m upset too. Instead of going through this as a family I’m getting her on my case for a dog I’ve been saying needs to be rehomed for the last 2 years.

Would I be unreasonable to just rehome the dog next time I have her? Her chip is registered to me so I can do it without mothers involvement. It just feels so horrible to do behind her back as she’s had the dog 2 years now. but saying I can’t have the dog is just being ignored.

I’m upset about my dad I don’t want this dog drama maybe it’s making me unreasonable? What do I do?

OP posts:
HattieIou · 20/10/2023 12:19

Seeing your updates, just tell her what you're doing and then do it. Don't do it behind her back though. Tell her you are doing it.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 20/10/2023 12:22

Tell her "Next time you leave the dog for me to look after I WILL rehome it. I have told you repeatedly that I can no longer look after it. Here is the number of a dog walker that can pop in to look after the dog."

Original poster
PurpleBugz · 20/10/2023 12:22

@AudiobookListener haha yeah she's only ever thinking of herself or going on about what she does for others. That's just how she is.

OP posts:
mummymeister · 20/10/2023 12:23

speak to the Cinnamon trust they take in dogs during times of crisis and will help you out. google for your local rep.

Viviennemary · 20/10/2023 12:25

No. You tell her the dog is being revoked. (don't know how easy it will be to rehome a 12 year old dog). But if she wants to take it on your are absolutely not available to look after it when she goes on holiday.

MeltedBrain · 20/10/2023 12:26

Remove the dog. It's not cruel. The situation you're in is cruel, your mum is a little cruel. Organise a nice home for the dog and take the weight of it off your shoulders, you're carrying more than enough.

paintingvenice · 20/10/2023 12:51

Rehoming a dog is such a euphemism. Realistically you are giving the dog up to kennels. There are a huge number of dogs being given up at the moment and comparatively few people looking to adopt.
by all means give your dog up, but don’t make yourself feel better by painting it as a new home and family. That is relatively unlikely to happen quickly.

AirFryerFrequentFlyer · 20/10/2023 13:01

If your Mum cares so much about the dog, make her understand that if it is of any age over about 2/3 and/or has any issues at all, it will likely remain in long term kennels, stressed by constant noise of other stressed dogs, missing home and family and not understanding why it's been dumped, for life or until they can find a reason to PTS.

The reality is shelters cannot cope with the number of dogs being surrendered. The outlook is bleak for your dog unless you know someone within your circle who would take it on responsibly.

TeaGinandFags · 20/10/2023 13:03

My original thought was to sit your mother diwn and get her to decide who the dog belongs to/ has respondibility for the dog.

Since you have tried to do this and she simply dumps the dog onto you ag the last minute, my personal solution would be bf to rehome it while she is away and ptetend it met with some dread accident.

If she refuses to behave like an adult, you are not obliged to treat her like one.

WaltzingWaters · 20/10/2023 13:03

I think you need a really serious this is it type talk with your mother. You cannot and will not be taking the dog anymore. Ever. You cannot manage it. Either she takes full responsibility for it, or you’re willing to find it a new home. Make sure she knows it’s the last time you’ll discuss this and that if she asks again for you to take the dog, you will re home it.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 20/10/2023 13:04

Absolutely rehome the dog and if doing it behind your mum’s back is the way to achieve that, do it. She’s backed you into a corner.

Thebigblueballoon · 20/10/2023 13:06

TeaGinandFags · 20/10/2023 13:03

My original thought was to sit your mother diwn and get her to decide who the dog belongs to/ has respondibility for the dog.

Since you have tried to do this and she simply dumps the dog onto you ag the last minute, my personal solution would be bf to rehome it while she is away and ptetend it met with some dread accident.

If she refuses to behave like an adult, you are not obliged to treat her like one.

What?! No. Her mother might be selfish and blasé about making the OP look after the dog, but never pretend it has met with a nasty accident. That’s another level of deceit and really distressing for her mum/supposed owner!

WhateverMate · 20/10/2023 13:08

PurpleBugz · 20/10/2023 12:03

Yeah that's why I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable. But when I say no she won't accept it makes it clear it's my dog my responsibility. Which I agree with but I'm saying the responsible thing to do is rehome

Show quote history

No, the responsible thing to do is point out she is now the owner of the dog and refuse to look after it when she goes on holiday.

She'll either find someone else or rehome the dog herself.

Oh and change the chip details.

Original poster
PurpleBugz · 20/10/2023 13:08

AirFryerFrequentFlyer · 20/10/2023 13:01

If your Mum cares so much about the dog, make her understand that if it is of any age over about 2/3 and/or has any issues at all, it will likely remain in long term kennels, stressed by constant noise of other stressed dogs, missing home and family and not understanding why it's been dumped, for life or until they can find a reason to PTS.

The reality is shelters cannot cope with the number of dogs being surrendered. The outlook is bleak for your dog unless you know someone within your circle who would take it on responsibly.

I know. Can I contact a shelter and keep the dog myself while they find new owners do you know? She's a pedigree dog and very well trained. Very expensive breed so I'm sure she'd be homed quite fast really

OP posts:
nottodaytaverymuch · 20/10/2023 13:10

If your mum couldn't be bothered to take proper ownership of the dog including having the microchip updated to her and sorting out alternative dog sitting, then legally and morally you are okay to rehome the dog.
She isn't being a good new owner and your stress is mounting. The dog is not getting what it needs either. Everyone is stressed and unhappy by the sounds of things. You can either rehome with/without her knowledge or tell her to take proper ownership, then it would be her responsibility to rehome if she couldn't cope. She offered to help but obviously can't now and is waivering, leaving you and the dog in unfair limbo.

WhateverMate · 20/10/2023 13:13

TeaGinandFags · 20/10/2023 13:03

My original thought was to sit your mother diwn and get her to decide who the dog belongs to/ has respondibility for the dog.

Since you have tried to do this and she simply dumps the dog onto you ag the last minute, my personal solution would be bf to rehome it while she is away and ptetend it met with some dread accident.

If she refuses to behave like an adult, you are not obliged to treat her like one.

Since you have tried to do this and she simply dumps the dog onto you ag the last minute, my personal solution would be bf to rehome it while she is away and ptetend it met with some dread accident.

This is ridiculous because apart from the fact it's a disgusting lie, the OP's DM is not 'simply dumping the dog on her'.

The OP is agreeing to look after it, so needs to stop doing so.

It's not like she flings the dog through the door and shoots off in a taxi.

WhatHaveIDoneNo3 · 20/10/2023 13:14

She’s being very very unfair, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate with your health, children and your dad being poorly.

How she can just dump the dog on you knowing all the above is just cruel.

WhateverMate · 20/10/2023 13:17

Seriously OP, there's no need to make this more difficult than it needs to be.

  1. Refuse to look after the dog and stick to it.
  2. Tell her to use a kennels or find someone else.
  3. Change the chip details.

This is not your dog but you're not helping your mother to understand this.

Myhusbandearns150k · 20/10/2023 13:18

Poor dog.

TheCatterall · 20/10/2023 13:37

@PurpleBugz Tell her once and for all (preferably via text for a record) - well mum seeing as it’s my dog as you keep reminding me when you don’t want to look after it - I’m doing what’s best for the dog and having it rehomed.

speak to local charities and start working with the.

or your mum steps up and magically becomes a brilliant dog owner over night..

HaplessRhombus · 20/10/2023 13:37

You need to just straight up tell her it isn't your dog or your responsibility any more.

"I will no longer have any responsibility for this dog. Either you take it on as your own with all the responsibilities that involves, or I will rehome it with someone else"

And stick to it. If she sulks, she sulks. She can't force you to care for the dog if you stand firm. The most she could do is ditch it on your doorstep when she goes on holiday, in which case you rehome it as you've stated. She sounds like an awful person anyway, kicking her daughter when she's already struggling with a lot.

CiderJolly · 20/10/2023 13:46

As tough as the situation sounds I think I would try and make it work for the dogs sake. Can you and your mum chip in for a dog walker when your mum isn’t there? If the dog is 12 then how much longer will it live realistically? You’ve managed this far. Seems pointlessly cruel to send it to a kennel now.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 20/10/2023 13:51

PurpleBugz · 20/10/2023 12:03

Yeah that's why I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable. But when I say no she won't accept it makes it clear it's my dog my responsibility. Which I agree with but I'm saying the responsible thing to do is rehome

Show quote history

I totally agree with you about the need to rehome the dog but it's no longer your dog so you can't rehome it behind her back.

What you can do is stand your ground and make it clear it is HER dog and you will not be helping her with it anymore and this way it's up to her to find a way to cope or rehome it.

SuddenlyOld · 20/10/2023 14:40

CiderJolly · 20/10/2023 13:46

As tough as the situation sounds I think I would try and make it work for the dogs sake. Can you and your mum chip in for a dog walker when your mum isn’t there? If the dog is 12 then how much longer will it live realistically? You’ve managed this far. Seems pointlessly cruel to send it to a kennel now.

How do you know how old the dog is? OP hasn't said how old it is, only that she's been trying to rehome it for 2 years.

Allinadayswork80 · 20/10/2023 15:18

A frank conversation needs to happen as the PP’s have said - ask her if she considers the dog HERS or YOURS. If she says hers, then emphasise your physical and family struggles and you just can’t and WON’T have the dog again, it is now HER responsibility as it was HER decision to take it on. It sounds like she hasn’t actually acknowledged your illness or that of your child’s which makes me think there’s much more to this than just the dog. If she considers the dog yours, then go ahead and rehome. Or tell her that next time she dumps it on you last minute, you WILL rehome it.