....to dread family gathering

[AnnaSewell]

My mother has a birthday coming up. She is in her late 90s with very little mobility and sight, so we are visiting her in her small sheltered flat, rather than my older brother's house nearby.

I am my.mother's least favourite child. She never intervened to protect me from my late father's violence and expresses no interest in my life She only really engages with me to ask about my husband and adult daughter. At the moment I ring her once a week, ask her how she is and listen to her.

I have recently been involved in some quite long and high profile employment litigation. She has never asked me anything about the case. Both my brothers expressed interest and sympathy and made contributions to the crowdfunder. My mother who is wealthy, ignored suggestions from my older brother that she might do the same.

Meanwhile my daughter has decided that I was completely wrong to have engaged in this legal battle, which was significant for others working in the sector. (The lawyers thought otherwise. I received an apology, a settlement and much sympathy from the wider public.)

In order to demonstrate her disapproval.my daughter no longer visits me and ignored my own recent birthday.

The prospect of being in the same small room as them both for several hours is making me feel sick.

Going for a walk and/or leaving early are both options. Repeating the mantra, 'This too will pass' under my breath a lot is another...

Eugh, that sounds awful.

I wouldn’t go.

well done on the legal case.

Look, by going, you're not going to be her favourite child. I would get Covid!

Why bother going?

Don't go Op.

don't go, OP. No excuses, no reasons, no anything.
Just "i won't make the gathering, happy birthday and have a good time"

and reduce contact with people who don't enhance your life.

Unfortunately you are going to be ill on the day of the party.

Much respect to you on winning your case.

Another vote for not going. You don't have to make yourself available as a target for their bad behaviour. You're worth more than that.

I think it is tricky. It could well be my mother's last birthday - certainly her last one living independently - and while she shows me no affection, I think she likes the idea of having her three children and one grandchild around her.

With my daughter I think I want to convey the (perhaps unfashionable) idea that one perseveres with family relationships even though there are times when communication is less easy.

I am tending towards the idea that I should make a point of speaking up about the legal case. My brothers may be responsive/interested. I also have the option of claiming I have a headache and need air - the flat is going to be warm and stuffy, so this will be true. That way I can take a bit of time out....

I think I would go for the sake of your relationship with your daughter. Your mother isn't going to change now and has been indifferent all your life you say so I think your reluctance to attend her birthday is all tied up in this new rift with your daughter. But if your daughter is going that shows she is at least willing to be in the same room as you. If you don't go it looks very much like you are avoiding her.

And what's wrong with that?

I wouldn't put myself through it. Neither of them deserve the OP's attention. I'd only go if not would create issues with my brothers

OP was your daughter embarrassed about the case? Is that her problem?

I wouldn't go OP. Like pp said, I would get a virus and stay home, popping a card round at a later time when you can drop and run.

It's ok, you didn't ask for the treatment your mum gives you.

About your daughter, have you always had a problematic relationship? For both of your sakes, this is the relationship I would work on. Most children don't want to not get along with their parents. Could it be that some of the responsibility in the breakdown of the relationship lies with you? Perhaps it's worth reflecting a bit about her childhood and whether you can accept any fault there. Then build the bridges.

I would go. Be the better person. I would also give myself an excuse to be able to just “show my face” and get on with that ‘other pressing thing’ if need be, so they are expecting you not to stay too long. I would also forearm myself for approaches to responding to things that push my buttons. It might be something like rehearsing lines in my head phrases like - “mum, is there any reason you aren’t showing any interest in this legal case which has been important to me? Have I done something to annoy you?”. With your daughter there isn’t the same sense of moral pressure to resolve it because you have more time.

Re my daughter. We had a good - even a close - relationship.

I am a second wave gender critical feminist. She is a passionate believer in gender identity ideology, who believes/has been led to believe that I am hateful because I discuss issues affecting women's rights on social media - and she has informed me that I deserve to lose my job for doing so.

I am happy for for our opinions to differ and do not wish to engage her in pointless debate.

However, some months back she sought to extract a promise from me that I would not allude - even in the most passing way - to ongoing litigation during a planned visit to us. When I said that I felt it was problematic that she wished to control what I could and couldn't say, her response was that she wouldn't come.

We still communicate a bit on the phone/What'sApp. But, for example, I sent her a gift of stuff she needed in her new flat for her birthday. She didn't send a gift or even a card on my recent birthday.

I'm getting pretty pissed off with her behaviour, while remaining aware that this is not untypical of those who get sucked into cultlike beliefs.

That’s crap AnnaSewell, but you have time to iron out the kinks with your daughter. Your priority is getting a sense of acknowledgement from your mother before she passes away. If that pisses off your daughter during the event, so be it. You can deal with the fall-out later.

I don’t know what a “second wave gender critical feminist” is! Keep life simple is my motto. Don’t get sucked into anything that causes arguments. If I was your mum I might went to distance myself from your issues too.

Staying as a loving DD and mum is important but all these labels and beliefs clouds sensitivity and judgement. That ship has sailed but you chose to post your views. Most parents love unconditionally. You seem to have ended up not being a great daughter or mum, but your beliefs, as backed up by the court, are triumphant! Well done for that. Hopefully you have masses of friends.

Try and keep in contact with your daughter, even at a low level. See the advice to parents whose children are think they are the opposite sex. Cutting off contact is what the gender cult want. What that level of contact looks like for you I don’t know, but play the long game here and consider her brainwashed.

AnnaSewell. Ignore that comment saying you haven’t been a great daughter or mum by someone who remains purposely vague and ignorant about important issues to preserve an unfair status quo and apparently be ‘good’ ie- compliant, unchallenging, passive, and never standing up for themselves or anyone else.

Your DM is not going to change now. perhaps just go along and make the best of it, knowing to expect little from her.

Re your DD. Perhaps it was a mistake not to have agreed with your DD not to discuss the tinder points. My DD and I have had to just agree to disagree and avoid future discussions of it.

It would be rather incendiary to insist on bringing the subject up at your DMs birthday and I would dig deep if I were you into your motivations. And rather selfish to potentially spoil the occasion for everyone.

If the daughter said something like “I hate arguing with you, is it okay if we don’t talk about this when I visit?”

It would be an emotional appeal, understanding that it is something which is front and centre of her mother’s mind, but not an important part of their relationship.

Thats very different from defining terms to suit oneself and pressuring the other person to make promises, without offering any effort on one’s own part. That’s an unacceptable demand.

From the quite way you talk about your daughter's differing beliefs to you, I think it's pretty to clear that the root of the issues the is not the litigation, that's just been the touchpoint. You say you're happy for her to believe different things to you but then you make comments about her being "sucked into cultlike beliefs" and rather than acknowledging "she believes" you feel the need to add (even on an anonymous Internet forum) "has been led to believe". You clearly don't respect her beliefs - but worse, you infantilise her by refusing to even respect her intelligence sufficiently to accept that she may hold those beliefs on her own terms as an intelligent independent adult who has weighed the evidence and come to a different conclusion to you.

Go to the party. Leave early if you want but don't bang on about the court case and if you do have to have any discussion or comment on the topic with your daughter, try to hold in the obvious contempt you have for her intellectual capabilities. Otherwise you will lose that relationship forever.

Just don't go to the gathering - it's not compulsory.

I think keeping quiet looks like tacit agreement that standing up for women's rights is unspeakable and saying I am only good if I am compliant and silent.

I have been involved in a legal case with high profile representation that lasted over a year. I've done live TV, broadcast stuff and press. I have some future speaking engagements.

In such circumstances am I just meant to sit back and listen to my younger brother droning on about how he's moving up the rankings at his local sports club? To focus solely on older brother's retirement plans? To spend hours sympathising with my mother's increasing disability? To hand round plates and do the washing up. Do I not get any share of the conversations?

Why do both my mother and my daughter wish to shut me up? Why must I have questionable 'motives' for not wishing to go along with this.

I don't want to start a fight on a family occasion. I simply want to signal that I - and my beliefs - are worthy of respect.

This can't be your sole topic of conversation though surely, and if it is I feel a bit sorry for your family. It's not a case of keeping quiet and handing round plates, there must be plenty of other things to converse about.

You don't respect your daughter's beliefs. It's a two-way street.

If I were you I wouldn’t go. The thing I find interesting is the final line that you have used . You say you and your beliefs are worthy of respect, but take a look back at how you describe your family members and their beliefs. You are quite derogatory about them.
If you want respect, you need to also give respect.