....to dread family gathering

[AnnaSewell]

My mother has a birthday coming up. She is in her late 90s with very little mobility and sight, so we are visiting her in her small sheltered flat, rather than my older brother's house nearby.

I am my.mother's least favourite child. She never intervened to protect me from my late father's violence and expresses no interest in my life She only really engages with me to ask about my husband and adult daughter. At the moment I ring her once a week, ask her how she is and listen to her.

I have recently been involved in some quite long and high profile employment litigation. She has never asked me anything about the case. Both my brothers expressed interest and sympathy and made contributions to the crowdfunder. My mother who is wealthy, ignored suggestions from my older brother that she might do the same.

Meanwhile my daughter has decided that I was completely wrong to have engaged in this legal battle, which was significant for others working in the sector. (The lawyers thought otherwise. I received an apology, a settlement and much sympathy from the wider public.)

In order to demonstrate her disapproval.my daughter no longer visits me and ignored my own recent birthday.

The prospect of being in the same small room as them both for several hours is making me feel sick.

Going for a walk and/or leaving early are both options. Repeating the mantra, 'This too will pass' under my breath a lot is another...

I remember you past threads about your dd.

Important family gatherings can be so hard - the amount of emotional resources you need can be huge. My extended family get on okay, but I am dreading an event in a fortnight.

Go, but plan in advance how to make it workable for you. Maybe go for a short time?

If you value your relationship with your dd, don’t talk about the case. That’s up to you.

I really felt for your dd on your previous thread. All she asked was not to discuss it. You claim you support her right to hold different opinions, but that’s evidently not the case. You made it into some thing about you being silenced or controlled. She’d reached out to you at a very human level.

I know this is not the kind of answer you are looking for, but I would try visualising. I would visualise myself talking about what I’ve been up to (but bearing in mind people tend to have tunnel vision, only wanting to engage in topics which neatly slot into their pre-existing worldview - it’s possible others might experience you talking about your achievements as ‘Lording it over them’, as ‘showing off’, as causing trouble, because they don’t want to feel inadequate in some way), and it going smoothly without drama, and then the next topic comes up for conversation “would anyone like another cup of tea?”.

there must be plenty of other things to converse about

I'd say that some of the spin offs - meeting celebrities, going to really a smart central London locations for drinks and parties - were of potential interest, even if the details of litigation are not.

Yes, I can talk about the day job and the way in which cuts are impacting on services in the city where I lived. If anyone asked or listened. Which, by and large they don't.

If I talk about more ordinary things, I am perceived as dull and boring. If I talk about anything less usual, I am seen as a show off and/or troublemaker.

So sometimes doing the washing up and saying nowt has been a strategy. Because it is hurtful if you say something and there is no response, other than someone turning away and saying, 'So tell us all about your golfing progress, Derek.'

I think I would swerve it entire and would just turn up early with some nice goodies - breakfast /brunch bits
Give her a card and gift and enjoy a cup of tea.

Bring a cake or something nice for the party later and say you are sorry you can't stay but you have a private health related appointment you cant miss.

Have something in mind to say next time someone turns away and says, 'So tell us all about your golfing progress, Derek.'

Something direct like “Well that was an awkward change of subject, anyone would think I hadn’t just told you about something important to me”.

But that’s family life. There are topics people talk about and topics people don’t. I have family whose sole chat is gruesome health talk and other family members who would find that depressing and inappropriate. One side of my family loves a robust debate about politics, the other side smile, nod and change the subject.

Noone is being silenced. It’s not a power thing, it’s just the ebb and flow of the social world.

I really feel for you OP. I don't feel seen, heard or valued by my family either, and I hate occasions where we are together and there is an expectation of 'playing happy families'.

Re 'respecting beliefs', you clearly don't respect your daughter's support for gender ideology, and I don't blame you. I'm a gender critical feminist too, and I'm full of admiration for you fighting that legal case. Your mother and daughter don't feel the same admiration for you, and I know that hurts, but it sounds like it's not going to change. I would avoid the whole topic like the plague when you're around them - you won't get what you need from them and you're setting yourself up for pain and frustration

Re the birthday gathering, I would go with whichever option feels less bad for you. If you do go, stay for as long as you can bear it, keep conversation light and fluffy, and nod and smile at everyone else's stories. I know this feels horrible and inauthentic, so give yourself time and space to feel whatever comes up for you after. Good luck either way

Go. Be the better person. It’s not about you, or your brother it’s about your mum. What they all think of you doesn’t really matter in the big scheme of things, and they clearly don’t understand the situation . Swerving will just lead to more talk, opinions etc. Bring a massive bunch of flowers and a tray of snacks and change the subject if they bring up your legal case. Sounds great by the way.

I think your DD was mature and sensible in asking you to not discuss the topic you so strongly disagree on. She was trying to preserve your relationship, and you rejected her. In her mind, you may have signalled to her that your beliefs, and being able to talk about yourself and your TV appearances and what have you, are more important to you than being with her.

it’s just the ebb and flow of the social world.

I think in the case of my family it's more particularly about sexism/being against women having space to speak.

Attention ebbs from me - if it ever reaches me in the first place - and flows around others.

I agree with the leaving early idea though!

Your idea to leave for air is a good one.
I would go and be polite.
Take a photo early on and then, apart from the cake cutting, it is probably best if only some of you are in the small room at a time.
You might end up having a lovely walk outside with your brothers.
Your daughter might change as she gets older - hearing that your brothers' support you will be reality.

Your mother is 90 and she is mean; you are not - that is why you should trust your instinct and go.

Can you all, without your old mother, go out for a Pub meal afterwards and end the day on a high?

I think you will feel better if you stick up for yourself before your mother dies. I speak from experience.

I wouldn't go. I'd make it very clear to my siblings why I am no longer putting up with her behaviour (which has been going on for some considerable time based on your post, so it's not a recent development due to age or whatever they may dare to suggest) and I don't have to put up with it now. You will have to make your peace with her at some point so if I were you, I'd do it before her birthday and then not show up.

As for your daughter - it's clear that she has different beliefs to the ones you have and that's as much as you can say about that. I'd do my best to bite my tongue on that (for the moment).

I don’t really get why people seem to think that sticking up for yourself when you are being belittled and humiliated by your mother at family gatherings is such a terrible thing to do. You can do it with a shrug, a smile, a ‘hey ho’, it doesn’t need to be remotely aggressive. You are simply not allowing yourself to be treated badly.

Honestly you seem set on making it all about you. Keeping your daughter in your life by accepting her request is simply being a mum and accepting she has different opinions from you.

Just breeze in with a card, a bottle of champagne, congratulate your mum , greet your family and then have a pressing engagement and leave early. Avoid any serious debate, nor even bother to discuss your brother’s boring sporting achievements. None of your family seem interested in your legal victory, or anyone else’s beliefs other than their own so it seems pointlessly stressful to even engage on these topics.
And certainly don’t hand around plates or do washing up.

Go if you feel you should - you sound like you may regret missing what could be your mother's last birthday and avoiding your daughter is not a great idea if you want to maintain a relationship with her (be the mature adult showing love transcends disagreement).

But don't raise the contentious issue of your legal case. Sure it's important to you but knowingly raising it at someone else's birthday celebration where you know it won't be well received, is exceedingly bad manners.

Wanting to keep reinforcing how much you feel you are in the right is a very self centred and inconsiderate way to go about things. Especially when you are complaining that both your mother and daughter have done similar to you. You all sound as if you are cut from the same cloth to me.

In such circumstances am I just meant to sit back and listen to my younger brother droning on about how he's moving up the rankings at his local sports club? To focus solely on older brother's retirement plans? To spend hours sympathising with my mother's increasing disability? To hand round plates and do the washing up. Do I not get any share of the conversations?

it’s one bday party - just go along and humour everyone -
difficult with your DD but who cares what your DBS think about you or anything else -we don’t choose our siblings.
Surely no one discusses religion or politics or gender with someone with opposingviews.

Has the case perhaps caused a lot of awkwardness for your daughter in her own life? Just wondering, it's a hot topic and if people know you are related they are likely bringing it up to her, and she might just want a relief from hearing about it tbh. I also don't think it's that big of a sacrifice to not talk about it if it upsets your daughter to talk about it... like, on a basic level it's rude to keep talking about something someone has made clear makes them uncomfortable. I'm sure you have other people in your life you can discuss this with. You are not being 'silenced' you are being asked to not upset your daughter when there is no practical reason to do so. I do understand the difficulty in not being able to talk about such a major thing in your life, but as you do have other outlets and people to talk to about it, then surely its easy enough to find other things to talk about with your daughter. Remember to keep focused on the end goal: having a good relationship with your daughter. That doesn't mean you do all the compromising, but this is a compromise that is easily achievable, so why not.

I think some people seem to be missing the sexism in the scenario. Put up and shut up ladies, have a lovely smile and help with the dishes, so we can all have a lovely time together. Don’t make a fuss. Be seen and not heard, etc, etc.

I can assist the posters who insist upon you being quiet and charming to keep those social cogs turning, with this public announcement.

You sound awesome. I think I would just "get Covid" and skip this event altogether. It sounds like there's (understandably) a small part of you still hoping for validation from your family, mum in particular, but I think you may need to try and let that go. Your daughter will probably see sense and come around eventually.

Yes we are missing the sexism as it is such a rare occurrence in families 😂

As one GC person to another I get this!

We do have to be mindful that we do not get entrenched and dig too deep into our own camp, becoming rigid and not open to other views.

We do have to respect other opinions, even if we not agree.

It sounds you like you want to go. In that case you arrive, hug and thank each of your brothers for their support, say you are thrilled to have won the case and acknowledge not everyone feels the sane as you, and that is fine with you ( whilst hoping SILENTLY that dd will see the light eventually one day)

You make this day about your mother and her life, not about you and GC.

Ask your dd how she is, what she has been doing and don’t provoke an argument. If she mentions her feelings - say you understand she is not in agreement and you differ on this subject but your love for her is unaltered by your differences.

Vow to stay for an hour only. Make it count. You don’t need to apologise for choosing to follow your own values, equally there is no need to talk about it beyond a brief conversation.

Good luck!

You say it's likely your mum's last independent birthday - and possibly last ever birthday if she's mid 90s - so the focus should on her. No one will thank you if a row or atmosphere occurs because you were talking legal cases, gender politics or other topics. And if that turns out to be the last get together with your mum you will be blamed for it not being a happy occasion.

If she's late 90s surely it won't go on for hours? Could you stagger attendances eg you go 10 till 3 with a brother and your other brother and daughter go 12-5 so you only overlap for 2-3 hours yet your mum has company for 7 hours if that's what she wants?

Get some background music on, get your mum talking about memories, wear your thickest skin and exit as soon as you can.