....to dread family gathering

[AnnaSewell]

My mother has a birthday coming up. She is in her late 90s with very little mobility and sight, so we are visiting her in her small sheltered flat, rather than my older brother's house nearby.

I am my.mother's least favourite child. She never intervened to protect me from my late father's violence and expresses no interest in my life She only really engages with me to ask about my husband and adult daughter. At the moment I ring her once a week, ask her how she is and listen to her.

I have recently been involved in some quite long and high profile employment litigation. She has never asked me anything about the case. Both my brothers expressed interest and sympathy and made contributions to the crowdfunder. My mother who is wealthy, ignored suggestions from my older brother that she might do the same.

Meanwhile my daughter has decided that I was completely wrong to have engaged in this legal battle, which was significant for others working in the sector. (The lawyers thought otherwise. I received an apology, a settlement and much sympathy from the wider public.)

In order to demonstrate her disapproval.my daughter no longer visits me and ignored my own recent birthday.

The prospect of being in the same small room as them both for several hours is making me feel sick.

Going for a walk and/or leaving early are both options. Repeating the mantra, 'This too will pass' under my breath a lot is another...

I wouldn't avoid the topic at all OP. In fact your brothers should want to know because it's also down to men to fix the ridiculous ideological nonsense we now find ourselves being gaslight and sued over.

And your DD needs to grow out of her fragility, we are allowed to discuss things in the open and disagree.

I'd go. I think you'd regret not going by the sounds of it

I think your tactic depends on what you want to achieve. Atm it looks like you want them ( your Mum , your brother and maybe your DD ) to change which is good but I suspect not practical in one gathering.
I suspect they see you in a certain way and treat you in a certain way you can change this atm only by changing your behaviour. So I would go and smile politely, I would listen about others but I won’t ask them encouraging questions so the onus would be on them to make the conversation. If they ask you about your case and other stuff I would prepare short polite generic answer to shut the topic. I don’t think you really want to discuss with them your life, it’s pointless, and they want it to show their attitude to you, so don’t give them this ammunition - ignore them in a way, don’t tell them anything as they want your response to react so don’t give it. It’s like don’t ever wrestle with a pig, it’s the same idea. Go and be polite but a bit distant, they are not your close friends and allies so don’t bother. However you should go to make in a way a point for your DD , it’s very rude of her not to send your happy birthday message at least. Plus your mum is so old and you may regret not going. However don’t wash dishes, no, just sit and smile and talk about weather or anything similar and stay CALM. ( you don’t even imagine how irritating it will be for some of your relatives but they won’t be able to do anything without looking silly . I’m talking from my own experience 🙂)

I was struck by some of the remarks you made about the general family dynamic:

My own feeling is that the attention my mother pays to my partner and my daughter is partly designed to emphasise my lowly position.

Infuriatingly my younger brother has inherited my mother's attitude. He addresses all his conversation to my husband and never asks me anything. (My sister in law has also noted that he never bothers to talk to her. )

What does your husband think about this pattern? Has he noticed it? He should have your back and ideally, the two of you should have a strategy to handle it - such as him batting the ball back into your court.

Also, it does sound like you have allies in your order brother and SIL, so I would focus on those relationships.

I think my husband is aware of the pattern. He is torn between politeness/respect for others and indignation on behalf. On one occasion at my request he visited my mother on his own and pointed out to her that my father had committed a serious assault on me when I was 17. My mother admitted that it was not impossible that he had done this, but she never subsequently asked me about this. It's as if she deletes anything that doesn't fit in with her own version of events.

My husband does support me by trying to get the conversation to include things I've been doing, when I am being marginalised, But when he does this he gets the same response that I do. Either a brief 'closed' question or a short silence followed by a change of subject. (This is particularly the case in gatherings involving my mother and my younger brother. Things are a great deal more normal when my older brother and his wife are about, and so my husband's support is less required.)

My past experience from when I was younger would suggest that direct challenges to this dynamic are unhelpful. My mother used to either become tearful or go into denial. I'd be accused of being 'touchy'. There would be suggestions rather similar to some made on this thread, that wanting to be considered as a participating member of the family, were all about me wanting to be centre stage all the time.

Don't go

You're allowed to not go

I'd be accused of being 'touchy'.

This requires another calm and direct challenge “I am being direct. It’s something I’ve decided to do from now on, whenever I am being disrespected. It is working wonders for my sense of well being. I recommend it”.

Your mother sounds like a classic narcissist. Don’t agonize about this get together, don’t go. Your mum has to be the centre of the universe in her mind and will not allow for anyone else to have any opinions. My mother was like this all her life, however l went NC with her and found peace of mind. Well done on winning your case, that’s something to be proud of. Start to look after yourself for a change .x

It's odd that you can stick by your ideals and principles, to the point of long and expensive litigation and public exposure, with your employer and the public in general. But with your own mother, brothers and daughter, you cave.

I consider my principles to be my identity. My husband and, yes, DC are secondary to those. My DH may walk out; my DC will hopefully go on to lead their own lives and will always be free (from me) to be whatever they are; I will be me until the day I die. It's the only permanent thing in my life.

I can't fathom putting myself in any situation where I park my identity at the door before I enter. What purpose would my presence have? What would the people in the room want from me, if they don't want all of me? Would I be prepared to give it to them? Everyone, literally everyone is free to take me as they find me, or not. No hard feelings. You lose some people along the way, sure, but evidently they are not for you anyway.

I'm probably around 10-15 years younger than you, by the sound of things, and I find it sad that you have had this many years of hiding. You only get to live life once.

(Your daughter's ideas will most likely evolve as she matures, I wouldn't read too much into it. You're allowed to feel the way you do, and so is she. It shouldn't change the love you feel for each other, and she's puerile to let it affect her daughterly actions towards you imo. I think you're modeling well how to be a woman of substance, and would reinforce that by continuing to do that at this next meeting.)

I’m you on a much smaller scale op.

I’m a vocal feminist within my family and they do humour me but I totally bore my elderly mother so she cuts across me to talk about inconsequential (fictional) shit she watches on soap operas. I’m her least favourite child too and despite being educated and accomplished in my career it’s only the opinion of my brother that matters despite the fact that he left school at 16 and worked in the same factory all his life.

I can’t help but get snarky and ‘difficult’ about it.

I know that when you see everything little thing through the lens of male privilege - especially in your own family dynamic - it’s hard to let go and meekly hand round the biscuits. But you know what op, I’d do it. Not for the mother, who is a lost cause (no disrespect) - I’d do it to get a foot hold in with your dd. Keeping a thread on that relationship, and finding a quiet neutral space between the two of you where you agree to disagree, would be a major priority for me.

Well done on the court case, and fighting the good fight on behalf of those who live in silent fear on the potential ramifications for girls and women on this issue.

This.

A friend of mine has many opinions and beliefs. She drones on about conspiracy theories every time I meet her. Apart from not agreeing with her, it is tedious to have the same conversation repeatedly when we both hold differing views. I cut the conspiracy theories short when she starts with them and am steadfast in refusing to enter a discussion with her. It is the only way we can maintain a friendship.

They aren't worthy of respect.

You’ve been a champ OP. But go and see your daughter and give her a hug. And ask your DH to help you fend off any bullshit. Your DM sounds a right pain - you are going to see your daughter, not her.

My first thought....your relationship with your DD cannot be discarded. Sometimes you just need to agree to disagree and not mention certain topics again.

As for your mother...she's 99. You won't change her and she probably doesn't have many birthdays left. I think you should put on a brave face and go.

Well done with the case OP, that's brilliant. I'm also a gender-critical feminist and no longer discuss this with my DD because we will never agree about it and I don't want to fall out with her. I would avoid the topic with your DD if you can, for the sake of your relationship with her. However, it sounds like your DM has behaved terribly over the years and I'm not sure that I would care to salvage that relationship.

I would go to Mums "do" - it could well be her last.

Keep it brief, keep it light, and then go.

No need for any discussions with anyone about cultural/political views etc.

Not the time or the place.

I have read your responses carefully and it’s very clear you’re deeply embedded in your views to the extent it colours every area of your life, to the extent that not being able to discuss it at this gathering will habe you declaring uourself marginalise.

i think due to this you should not go, as you will wish to discuss it with them and potentially be insulting, for example you even stated your own daughter wishes to silence women. I very much doubt that’s true and it’s quite offensive. Just there are some views she doesn’t agree with or wish to be associated with. Especially if she works in social policy.

you are also quite disdainful of your family and put them down, the golf club, the sports club job.

i do think you need to decline because i think there is a high chance you will go in there and reveal what you are on this thread and potentially be quite offensive.

Social policy is an area which, unfortunately, is fully signed up to this belief system. And yes, people who insist that trans women are women, and trans people are the most marginalised people in society, DO want to silence women. We see it happening every single day.

Many of us find it shocking that so many sectors which should be supporting and championing women are doing the literal opposite.

If you work in social policy and you don't want to be associated with the view that women are female people and need, for example, their own prison accommodation and their own rape crisis services, that's really not great.

Amen.

I also get the feeling that things have gone to the OP’s head quite a bit and she now feels rather superior to her family.

Gone to her head?

It sounds as though she was fired or disciplined at work for not pretending to believe in gender ideology, went through a gruelling court case which was eventually resolved in her favour, and her daughter said she deserved to be fired.

Is that kind?

It sounds like not going will make you feel worse than going, OP - in other words, you will feel guilty at not being at what might be your DM's last birthday. If that's the case, I would say for you to view going as allowing you to feel better in yourself by attending, even if it's hard . But if you do go, don't spoil the sacrifice you are making - instead commit to small talk and biting your lip because otherwise you will just end up feeling guilty, which is exactly what you want to avoid.

I bite my lip with my DM - she is also difficult (to say the least), but keeping in touch with her makes me feel better than going non-contact or starting off down conversational routes which will end up in conflict and a make me feel bad. It doesn't mean that I am abandoning my views - I am just putting my own well-being first.

Re your daughter, she knows your views and perhaps will come round to them in time. There is nothing to be gained, and a lot potentially to be lost, by going over the same ground over and over.

If you were in my family, I would be very proud of what you have achieved, by the way!

One thought I had with regards to your mother is this...she is a very elderly woman, you say she doesn't ask or talk about the case. You say she asks you about your husband and daughter. I think this is probably fairly usual for a woman of that generation. Thinking back to my own grandmother who if she was still alive would be of a similar age, she wouldn't have the first idea of what happens in a legal case, she certainly wouldn't have been able to hold a conversation over it. Any conversation I've ever had with older family members has generally centered round discussing what my dh and kids have been doing. I think these are very easy and relatable topics for elderly women.

Or it could be she’s avoiding the subject! My DM is of a similar age. Always avoids conflict. That’s her choice and it’s too late to recruit her to your position. It’s not what interests 99 year olds. I know what I think but I wouldn’t bother my DM with it. She just needs to stay alive. Plus she’s not likely to relish you falling out with your DD over a subject she’s not bothered about and doesn’t affect her. It’s probably boring for her. I would be the same at her age.

But a more common reaction would be, 'Why am I expect to repress this? Is it caring of others to wish me to do so?'

I think you should repress it because, quite honestly, the overwhelming impression I get is you’re hurting you and your daughters relationship and to me nothing is worth that.
Why wind yourself up questioning why she doesn’t see your point of view? She doesn’t agree and that’s it, she’s entitled to feel that way.

I understand this is a big deal in your life that you feel compelled to discuss but if I were you I’d lighten the mood, roll up, do the necessary and get the hell out. You are not going to change anyone’s views or personalities so make your peace with that and drop the rope.

Her daughter said she deserved to get fired. (The court disagreed.)

That's not a kind thing to say.

You can disagree with your mother about whether trans women are women and still respect her views and agree that she doesn't deserve to be fired for them.

Loving your user name! I would go and show face, if you feel it's going badly then just make an early exist

You aren't going to change these people unfortunately