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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend wanting to be occupied/busy all weekend - AIBU ?

67 replies

Fairylightsareon · 19/10/2023 18:15

Friend is single mum. Her DC go to their dads eow. On these weekends she wants to be out of the house as much as possible and busy doing things. She never wants to be alone it seems. Her DC are 15 & 16, so not toddlers ie hard work/tiring. I have DH & DC at Home. I like to spend as many weekends at home as I can. I have the luxury of interaction from DH/DC, even if we're not doing things together, there are other people in the house and I'm not alone. I feel guilty that I hardly spend any day time with my friend at the weekends. After working all week I have things to catch up on at home/I want to be at home to enjoy my time and chill. I purposely don't suggest things like lunches etc with her because she will turn it into a whole day out and not just a few hours lunch.

AIBU to think she needs to learn to be by herself some days ? Personally,I prefer to go shopping etc alone.

AIBU not going for lunch etc with her because she will turn it into a whole day thing ?

OP posts:
EmpressaurusOfCats · 19/10/2023 18:17

Can you realistically do dinner with her sometimes, since she can’t turn that into an all day thing?

mintbiscuit · 19/10/2023 18:18

Just tell her you’re busy. Or that you want alone time with your family. What are you afraid of?

I’d offer a one weekend out of 4 to establish a pattern of when you’re willing to meet up.

Dotcheck · 19/10/2023 18:18

Well, of course you can spend your time how you like- you’re not obliged to spend every other weekend with her.

However she may be naturally extroverted- it may not be the case that she ‘needs to learn to be alone’

Coffeerum · 19/10/2023 18:19

You are not being unreasonable for not planning things with her if you don’t want to, you’re being unreasonable with your assertion that your way is better and because you like to do X, Y or Z thing alone that she should too and she needs to spend
more time alone.

sprigatito · 19/10/2023 18:20

You just need to set firm parameters every time, and stick to them. "I'd love to meet for lunch; I've got other plans in the afternoon though, so I'll need to be off by 2.30" or whatever. She isn't your responsibility.

AskNotForWhomTheBellCurves · 19/10/2023 18:22

YABU to say she needs to learn to be by herself because that’s none of your concern, but YANBU for not wanting to spend the whole of every other weekend with her. If she doesn't want to be alone that’s fine, but she needs to make other friends and not put the whole expectation on you every time.

MereDintofPandiculation · 19/10/2023 18:22

YABU in criticising her desire to be busy all weekend. YANBU in not wanting to lunch with her.

Gowlett · 19/10/2023 18:22

I have a friend like this. Doesn’t enjoy her own company. Just say yes to what you can do, and don’t feel guilty saying no. With my friend, I know I’m not the only one she’s asking!

newamsterdam · 19/10/2023 18:28

You can do what you want. She cna do what she wants. Stop judging her so much, you're being a shitty friend.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/10/2023 18:28

Just do as much as you want to do, and then go home. Some people are happiest at home and some like to be out doing stuff when they can, and the weekend is when she is free, so I don't think she needs to change her ways - you just need to get better at saying "I'm off now".

Humidititties · 19/10/2023 18:35

newamsterdam · 19/10/2023 18:28

You can do what you want. She cna do what she wants. Stop judging her so much, you're being a shitty friend.

No she doesnt

stylishnot · 19/10/2023 18:42

newamsterdam · 19/10/2023 18:28

You can do what you want. She cna do what she wants. Stop judging her so much, you're being a shitty friend.

This. What a drama over nothing. Clearly say you need to leave and do. No one is forcing you.

Cherrysoup · 19/10/2023 18:46

I once invited a friend round for a cup of tea. She was still there 4 hours later, I was horrified. Eventually, I had to go to the yard to get the horse in, thank god! When I went to hers, it was an hour max, people’s weekends are precious, so YANBU.

TaraRhu · 19/10/2023 19:11

You are just different ! Plus with a partner and kids at home you can have a quiet weekend without feeling lonely.

You just need to find a middle ground. I agree wit. The poster that said dinner/ then it can't go on all day.

Basilton · 19/10/2023 19:23

There is nothing in your post that suggests she is actually badgering you constantly on her child free weekends. So yes YABU, if she wants to be busy that is her prerogative, she doesn’t need to learn to be by herself just because you say so.

Jibo · 19/10/2023 21:31

YABU and sound like a terrible "smug married". Hope your poor friend has some fun single mates! If not, perhaps you could encourage her to make some.

Riverlee · 19/10/2023 21:35

Does she demand/expect you spend time with her? Is she making you feel guilty?

You’re not responsible for her social life. Maybe if she says how she doesn’t like to be alone, suggest she takes up hobbies. Maybe learn something new.

Also don’t feel guilty about enjoying chilling at home with your family. That’s what weekends are for!

organicbox · 20/10/2023 07:16

I think you're getting a harsh response here. If you're used to people pleasing, it can make you feel quite panicky when people have ongoing wants from you that you don't want to fulfil.

YANBU to not want to do what someone else wants, but YABU do decide how she should be instead.

Maybe you can use this as an opportunity to get more comfortable with letting other people be disappointed in what you do. It might be a good idea to say, that you're really fond of her, but your circumstances are different and you really don't like socialising much on weekends.

Perhaps your friend is someone who likes to be with people all the time and would be better joining a sports group or meeting new single people or dating or something, but again, that really is up to her.

Having the courage to disappoint people is a really important element of living your own life.

Original poster
Fairylightsareon · 20/10/2023 08:27

I feel there used to be a lot more expectation from her for me to do loads with her at her weekends. That expectation has fortunately dwindled a bit. I feel guilty not being there for her when I know she is clearly wanting people to do things with her. She has other friends who are also single and she sees them. I just do not want to give up 1 whole day of my precious weekend (and after doing a 50 hour week) to go shopping (which she loves, it's my idea of hell). I'm also not interested in going to the theatre/a show/days out. Just not my thing. I see my elderly relatives at the weekend, so having a whole day out with my friend for 1 day of the weekend then leaves me with 1 day to see elderly relatives/do food shop/laundry and I've then spent the whole weekend just doing things for other people. My friend loves being around people, she thrives on it. I get it that when her DC are away eow she has no one else at home, even if it is just for some background noise/someone to watch a TV programme with/ dinner with etc. That must be hard.

OP posts:
honeypancake · 20/10/2023 08:31

That would drain me too! Not teenagers to "hang out" with girlfriends all day long anymore. Tell her in a nice way - you will be happy to meet up for a coffee or a quick lunch but will have to run afterwards. No long explanation needed really!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/10/2023 08:42

Surely just say let's meet for lunch but I'm seeing (relative) at 2 so can we meet at 12? Or similar. If you want to see her, she can't 'turn it into an all day thing' if you say no, surely

theduchessofspork · 20/10/2023 08:44

Dotcheck · 19/10/2023 18:18

Well, of course you can spend your time how you like- you’re not obliged to spend every other weekend with her.

However she may be naturally extroverted- it may not be the case that she ‘needs to learn to be alone’

Yes this

She likely needs more friends rather than to become more like you

EvenBetta · 20/10/2023 08:50

A complete non issue. See her or don’t, use your words like an adult. ‘I have to go at 2’
What she has to get used to is none of your concern.

GingerIsBest · 20/10/2023 09:06

So basically, your friend is not a priority for you? That's fine - you get to decide what is and is not a priority - but don't be surprised if this friendship dwindles. When DO you see her?

Personally, I can't understand someone not ever wanting to see a friend on a weekend, ever because it's ONLY about family and home time. But each to their own.

Woollyjumpersandtomatosoupweather · 20/10/2023 09:09

Is she hassling you to meet at weekends and youre feeling guilty? It sounds like she has other friends she can do all the outings she wants to do at the weekend so just say coffee/lunch would be great but have to leave at X time to do something. Speak up!

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